Seriously, there has GOT to be some sort of voodoo at Target. That is the only explanation for how that place traps the most innocent people into these marathon shopping excursions that result in overdrawn bank accounts and hurting feet.
First of all, going to Target on a Sunday is the worst. You get there and every single space in the mega parking lot is full. ARE PEOPLE CLUBBING IN THERE??? Is there a drink special??? Am I underdressed in these Uggs and sweatpants? Do I need a neon green wristband to get in? Why is it so full at 11am on the Lord’s Day??? “Club Target” is POPPING!
Then you play “scope that spot” and find one (after losing 3 to people who can turn sharply faster) and you end up at the farthest end of the lot. You walk the three blocks to the door, dipping and dodging cars that are coming both ways to play the same game you just finished, and finally enter Target.
What greets you is chaos. It’s a shopping amusement park. And if you weren’t high on whatever oxygen they must pump through the vents to keep you on a high, you’d turn right around. But you don’t. We don’t. We never do. They must pump the same air they pump into casinos in Target. I just know they do. We go right in, jolly, because Target has got voodoo.
You walk into Target with your shopping list ready. You’ve written down 10 things you need. YOU ONLY need 10 things, you’ll pick them up and you’ll leave. That’s the plan. But it fails. EVERY SINGLE TIME.
You go into Target sometimes just because you need some glue and you walk out with a new cabinet, a dorm refrigerator and 4 new lamps. But you forgot the glue and you have no explanation for it.
You GOTTA pay your bills before going to Target. Otherwise you’re gonna be homeless with a nice body pillow and 3-tier clear cart. It is NOT a game!
I once went to target for a travel size toothpaste. I came out with hair oil, shoes, fruit roll-ups, tape. And forgot the toothpaste, of course! I got home like “CRAP! Now I don’t have toothpaste for my trip!” I had to buy toothpaste when I got to the airport. BUT I HAD TAPE!
But you haven’t seen temptation until you’ve gone to a Super Target. You try not to spend at least $200 under that pressure of a Target that is laid out like the bricks of the pyramids. Those Targets are TWO or THREE floors. You walk in, breathe in deeply and whisper “I’m home.” You get a cart and start dicing between the aisles like the pro you are.
When you’re done with floor 1, you gleefully place your cart on those cart escalators and clap your hands like a drunk seal because it amuses you so much. And then you proceed to do damage on floor 2. Four hours later, you walk out with a bank account that’s $500 poorer and tons of time that you can’t account for in your day. And you get home to find that you just bought a new computer chair, 15 2-pocket folders, a wrench, several picture frames and a bucket hat. Then you put your face in your palms and tell yourself this will never happen again. And you go back the next Sunday for a repeat and cry on your couch again about how you’re such a failure.
This is me every time I walk into Target:
It’s just such an experience that we seem to enjoy failing at. One day I went into Target rocking a red shirt and tan pants. Someone asked if I could help them pull something from a shelf. And I did. I even told them what aisle to go for the next thing they needed. Listen, when in Rome… be helpful. Or something like that.
And since Target has restaurants in it, when you get hungry you ain’t don’t have to leave. I LOVE getting a personal pizza from the Pizza Hut there. I sit down, reload and start shopping again. This is how one trip becomes a full day event. I walk in at noon and walk out at 6pm wondering what I did with my life.
TARGET HAS VOODOO, Y’ALL! That red sign with a bulls-eye is a conspiracy to hypnotize us and make us do things like spend all our money and time. You can’t tell me otherwise. (-__-)
Ugh. I love that store and I can’t help myself.
So, am I the only one? I’d love to hear your Target stories below.