To Whom It May Concern:
I’m suicidal. And no, it’s not what you think. I am safe. I am not harming myself. I do not have a plan, and I do not plan on doing anything. But I’m suicidal. And I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t.
People think of things like suicide in such black or white terms. But much like everything else we are so quick to place into categories, being suicidal falls into a gray area for me. Sometimes, I wonder if it does for anybody else. See I can be in a really great mood, right? I could be having the best day of my life. Still, suicidal thoughts will linger. I don’t have to be in a bad mood to be suicidal. I will still have those thoughts if I’m surrounded by the people I love, or if I’m doing something I’m passionate about.
I wake up most mornings thinking I’d be better off dead. But I’m quickly distracted by my husband and son, who are sound asleep next to me. I still feel it, but I try not to give power to it. Throughout the day I am faced with challenges that directly affect my subconscious. Either the suicidal thoughts get louder, or they remain just a feeling.
I should explain better; sometimes being suicidal is different than suicidal thoughts. It’s an actual feeling. The feeling that you have an itch you can’t scratch, that a dark cloud is shrouding you. It’s anxiety and depression, it’s mixed state. You’re drowning, there’s no air, and coming down from that feeling takes so long you think it’s impossible. You have blinders on and you don’t know what’s going to happen next. You just have to push through. And while this feeling is happening, you go through your day, as normal as you can, without feeding the feeling.
Some days are harder than others, and today happens to be one of those days. I know I’m not feeling good, and I’ve taken that into account. But I woke up thinking my family is better off without me. Then I started thinking about finances and my heart sunk a little more. I started thinking about my parents and my depression got worse. And I started thinking about everything my husband does so I can test a career in writing, and God, he can do better than me. It’s not fair to him. If I can’t impress the people surrounding me now, can I face how my son will inevitably feel about me? And I just start crying, because it’s all too much, and I’m just a joke. I feel like I’m drowning, over and over and over again. It would be so much easier to end things, and my family could finally get away from how terrible I am.
The way I feel isn’t a reflection of reality though. I know I have things to live for, I know things will get better. I know my family loves me, and the people who don’t like me don’t matter. In fact, they probably don’t give a shit. I know this feeling will pass. I just wish my mind and my body would work towards getting better.
I’m not bad yet. I haven’t made any attempts in almost two years, and I’m really proud of that. Every attempt I’ve made to take my own life ends the same way; I fade into a sleep, and I do regret my actions. I think I used to romanticize my own death back when I had nothing to lose. Now everything is on the line, and I’m terrified of the day my thoughts will become louder than my voice. But I know realistically it may not always be this way, and I may need to admit myself to the hospital again someday.
I have great plans for my future and for my family. So please don’t worry. I don’t intend to end my life and I’m not self-harming. And if I was, I’d go to the hospital. I wanted to write this so people better understood feeling suicidal. It’s so much more than just one day someone decided to end it. It goes deeper than that. It’s years of torment, even on good days. It mostly doesn’t happen randomly — it’s a build up. I don’t want to die; my subconscious and my illness may disagree, but today my voice is louder, and I will not succumb to the evils of my mind.
People with mental illness live in dark places and gray areas. It’s not something that shuts off and on — it comes in waves, it peaks and it fades. But these feelings are never gone. And I wish more than anything in this world they would disappear. I am a warrior of my own mind, and I will continue defending my inner peace. Every day may be hard; but it makes me stronger every day.
If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
*Originally published on The Mighty.
Oftentimes, I have a lot of random thoughts in my mind. Thoughts that relate to politics, religion, relationships, parenting, friendships, aging and even death. Grant it, it’s very normal to think about every day topics (like the ones I just mentioned) and that’s exactly why I started this blog. To write about things I think about that aren’t being talked about in mainstream media.
There’s so much to write that I don’t always get a chance to write a full blog. But the “what-if” questions don’t go away. Here are some of the real life issues that have crossed my mind recently. –
Can you relate to any of these?! Which “what if’s” have you thought about?! Please share in the comments section below –
Another Mother’s Day is almost here! If your mother is still living, you are very fortunate (I know I am!). Many people who have lost their mothers always tell me “You’ll miss her when she’s gone, so show her now how much you love her.” Even if you had a dysfunctional relationship with your mother or if she wasn’t around at all, remember you wouldn’t be here without her. No matter how bad of a mother you may have had, your life was made possible because of her (and your father). And while most mother-daughter relationships can be rocky at times, all of us – son or daughter – should always choose to honor our mothers on Mother’s Day. Here are some gift ideas for this Mother’s Day:
Flowers – this is the #1 Mother’s Day gift (probably of all time). You can’t go wrong with a beautiful bouquet!
Jewelry – what woman doesn’t love jewelry?!
Fancy soaps & lotions – women always love to smell good!
Shoes – women collect shoes like men collect ties. We can never have too many shoes!
Cooking utensils / kitchenware – since most mothers spend more time in the kitchen than fathers do, cooking appliances are always needed.
Subscriptions – what does your mom like to do? Read magazines? Drink wine? Or is she a collector of sorts? Either way, getting a subscription will stretch out her Mother’s Day gifts for another 11 months.
A day off – instead of letting your mom cook, clean, drive or do anything else, give her the day off. Let her rest & you can pick up the slack.
A tablet – from the Nook to the iPad, new tablets are always coming out in the market. Now is the perfect time to upgrade your mom’s tablet.
Nice meal out – cooking for your mom is nice, but taking her out is even nicer. Take her to that special restaurant or high-end eatery so that she can enjoy an elegant dinner on your dime!
Quality time – as children get older, move out the house and start their own lives, moms tend to miss out on quality time. Take an hour or two (or the whole day if you can) to spend with mother doing whatever it is she wants.
Clothes – just like shoes, women can never have too many clothes! Shop till you drop for your mom!
Books – reading is never a bad thing. Whether it’s a self-help book, a romance novel or a great mystery, buying your mom a book would be a nice gift.
Something personalized – a personalized gift can be very meaningful. Whether it’s homemade, monogrammed or something sentimental, I’m sure your mom will love a personalized present from you!
Picture frame – what better to get than a picture of your mother’s children (that’s you!) in a beautiful picture frame?! Something that she can put on a mantle or in her office at work that she can show off will make your mom proud.
Makeup – Don’t you want your mom to look good?! I don’t know if men are fully aware, but makeup is NOT cheap! Whether your mom shops at her local department store, Sephora or orders from a specialty boutique online, buying making for your mom will save her a lot of dough.
Let me know in the comments section what you ended up getting for your mother this year –