Tag: Sexy

The One Question You Should Never Have To Ask While On A Date

Dating. It can get freakin’ crazy town up in here.

One thing has been coming up a lot lately in conversations with clients and friends is the idea of first dates.

And what I realized is that the one question that you never want to have to ask on a date:

“So, is this a date?”

I’ve been on dates (and non-dates) where that was the question one (or both of) us was asking ourselves. And if that is happening, then it’s time to shift our strategy.

A long while back, I rebelled against dates. I resisted the idea of blowing $100 on someone I barely knew. Then I resisted my pattern of getting too physical, too quickly. We’d both be stuck in the dopamine and oxytocin roller coaster and we’d have no idea whether we actually liked or loved each other. We DID know that we wanted to screw each other, though. And that’s a great thing.

So then I shoved the pendulum in the other direction. I wanted to get to know women as friends, first. I want to know if I actually love hanging out with you. Because no matter how much great sex we have, we still have to be in each other’s company in non-naked situations. Can we go on a four-hour car ride with each other and not want to duct tape each other’s mouths? Can I have a blast with you at Target? Can we just chill out at home together and enjoy NOT talking? As long as there was initial physical attraction and chemistry, let’s put that on hold so we can get to know each as humans, first. So from then on, it was coffee. Or gelato. Real simple and casual. No pressure! No risk! And I still believe in that overall strategy. I want a best friend AND a lover.

But it’s time to bring sexy back.

Because I noticed there was no spark on those dates. The vibe would already start off as friend zone. And therein lies the problem. If I want to find love, sex, romance, I HAVE to create a space for it to show up. If you want to order love and sex, you gotta put them on menu.

My point is not about what you actually DO on the date. The content is mostly irrelevant. It could be an espresso in Central Park. Sweaty salsa dancing in a dark corner of the local Cuban joint. Picking out your favorite baboon at the zoo.

It’s more about the CONTEXT of the date.

One fine day I got the phone number of a woman I met and felt a vibe with. Normally, I would have said, “We should meet up sometime and grab coffee.” And in MY mind, I would have been thinking, “Let’s see how the meetup goes. If it goes well, we’ll declare it a date retroactively. If it doesn’t go well, it’s ok because it was never a date to begin with!” No risk!”

But with that approach, she doesn’t know what to do.

“Is he even interested in me?”
“What should I wear?”
“Does he find me attractive?”
“Is he going to be treating me or are we splitting the check?”

All of which add stress and confusion for her.

So with this particular woman, I just said:

“I want to take you on a date. What does your week look like?”

NO ambiguity.
NO hesitation.
NO “so you wouldn’t wanna, kinda, sorta go out sometime, would you?”
NO “hanging out”, “grabbing coffee”, “grab a bite”.

And there are several benefits of being bold and direct.

FOR HER
She knows what you’re wanting.
She knows what’s she’s going into.
She gets to respond to your honesty.
It’s clear who is inviting who and who should pay (YOU).
She will actually feel your desire for her. Which feels a lot different than covertly desiring something FROM her.
She can RELAX.

FOR YOU
If she’s NOT interested, you get to know right away. No need to waste time/money/energy/tears on finding out later.
You feel good that you were unapologetic in owning and declaring what you want.
You know that if she DOES say yes, that she knows it’s a date, too. It’s ON.
You know that both you and she won’t be playing any games or be stressed out in the ambiguity.
You’ve created a space for romance, flirtation and courtship to happen. And she gets to choose whether she wants to enter that space.

I spoke with several women friends about what I did and they all said something like “Whoa, that’s bold. I love it. Wish more guys did that.” And to be honest it was a new way for me. And it felt fucking great. I was energized. I was open to whatever answer she was going to give me.

So guys (and ladies), next time you are romantically/sexually interested in someone, use eight simple and powerful words.

“I want to take you on a date.”

And no matter what they say back, you’ll be clear. Either it will BE on, or it’s not, and you can MOVE on.

Oh yeah, she said yes.

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*This article was originally published on Jeffrey Platts website.

Men, You Are Not Sexy If….. (Pt. 2)

Last week I highlighted some key characteristics that I thought made a man unsexy. Well, that was only the tip of the iceberg. There are sooo many other things that are a turn off to me. Will they stop me from dating a good man? Probably not, but they sure are fun to write about.

Here we go:

  • Long fingernails – I don’t know any women who prefer to be with a man who has long fingernails. They’re just not sexy. We don’t want our cheeks getting scratched up when he touches our face or be forced to look at the dirt underneath his nails that he’s bound to accumulate. Besides, what does a man need long fingernails for anyway? They’ll just get in the way when he tries to lift weights or fix a flat tire. Some men can get away with long hair, but not long fingernails.
  • Text me instead of calling me – It’s hard to believe that 5 years ago this wasn’t even an issue. Sure texting was around but it wasn’t nearly as prevalent as it is today. Nowadays it seems to be all that men do even though they shouldn’t. I don’t care if other women are okay with texting, I am not. When you don’t take the time to pick up the phone & call me, you become very unsexy to me
  • Not well rounded – It’s great when you meet someone who is an expert in something, but it’s even better when you meet someone who knows a little about a lot. One who may not know everything but he is at least familiar with a wide range of subject matters – that’s what I call sexy. I’ve met cute guys who are nice, funny and smart but haven’t been outside of the town they were born in. I know men who can talk my ear off about wrestling or art but know nothing about politics or technology. What’s the saying? “Jack of all trades, master of none” – this is the kind of man I prefer.
  • Too many sexual partners As I’ve mentioned before, there is nothing sexy about a man who has slept around. Sure that may mean they have a lot of practice but practice doesn’t necessarily make perfect. Look at Shaquille O’Neal or even President George Bush. Shaq couldn’t hit a layup no matter how many times he tried in his nearly 20-year NBA career, and President Bush wasn’t any better in his second term than he was during his first. Doing something repeatedly doesn’t always make you any better at it and there is nothing sexy about a man who hasn’t been careful about his past
  • Cuss too much – Cursing is not sexy. Sure, sometimes curse words slip out accidentally or can really emphasize the point we’re trying to make but as with anything in excess, it should be kept to a minimum. A real man knows how to use his words wisely & chooses wise words

If I think of any more (which I’m sure I will) I’ll be sure to post them. After all, if these things bother me, I’m sure they bother other women as well.

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Men, You Are Not Sexy If…..

  • Drive a hybrid – I know, I know. These cars are fuel efficient & economical, blah, blah, blah. But I’m sorry, there is nothing appealing about a man who is concerned about saving the environment by way of his monthly car payments. Everybody knows that the kind of car a man drives says a lot about him and if he’s that conscious about what he drives, how super-conscious will he be about other things that matter even more?
  • Has a baby momma (not to be confused with an ex-wife) – I already wrote about why I don’t date men with kids (click here). Not only do I consider these men not to be marriage potential for me, I also think it’s very unsexy to have a bunch of kids with people you weren’t willing to commit your life to. Yes, things in life happen but if you haven’t “learned your lesson” then I think you are not only unsexy but you are also unwise.
  • Exhibit poor table manners – There is nothing worse than an adult eating like an animal. Make that a wild animal. It’s okay to enjoy good food, but be tasteful with the way you enjoy it. We’ve all been out with people who talk with their mouth full, spit as they talk (Ew, gross!) or someone who leaves their elbows on the table – Tsk, Tsk. My personal pet peeve when it comes to dining is when people hold multiple utensils in their hands at the same time. I should do an etiquette post later to explain more but basically unless you are cutting up some food, you should only hold 1 utensil at a time. So put that left hand down!  The way a person eats also says a lot about them (I eat slowly, I wonder what that says about me?)
  • Use a coupon on a date – All grown men should know by now that coupons are a no-go for a date. I definitely believe I am worth more than you saving a couple of dollars. So save those for hanging out with your boys (yeah, let them tease you about it), taking your mother out to dinner or for ordering carry out when you’re dining alone (which you will be if you use one on me). Shoot, you can even use them after you get married & no longer need to impress anyone. But if you are on a date, please leave those coupons taped to your refrigerator at home
  • Think you are God’s gift to women – I’m sure every man, whether they show it or not, believes that they are the answer to every woman’s problem. Well, I’m here to tell you that you aren’t. We are God’s gift to each other. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to only give us women a gift, and not you now would it?! (insert sarcastic smile here)
  • Have long fingernails – Okay, I just had to throw this one in here. I CANNOT stand any man with long fingernails. Why don’t you just cut them off? What need does a man even have with long fingernails? If you’re nails are too long, you’re obviously not doing any manual labor and for me that’s just not sexy

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Girlfriends ARE Sexier Than Wives

This is an interesting article that I read this morning, written by Gina B. from Six Brown Chicks. I must say that I agree with her wholeheartedly. Of course, sexy is in the eye of the beholder but you can’t argue that once you’re married the “chase” is gone. There are many, many benefits to marriage but the element of keeping it sexy is easier without the “burden” of being a wife.

Maintaining your sexiness takes work after you get married and is probably less of a priority than when you were single. When you throw children into the mix, a mortgage and other family needs, things like shaving your legs everyday or wearing lingerie to bed usually take a backseat. I’m all for keeping things hot and perhaps the definition of sexy changes once you get married, but you can’t disagree that it is easier to keep it sexy because you want to, not because you have to.

Read the article below –

               Wife Versus Girlfriend — Who Is Sexier?

I’ve been in a relationship for a while now, which means that everyone demands to know when we’re getting married.  Oddly, that question bothers my boyfriend FAR less than it annoys me.  I avoid the question for a few reasons.  First, my decision to change my marital status is nobody’s business.  And if I’m being honest? I don’t think that the concept of being a wife is all that sexy.

To be clear . . . I’m not talking about women who choose to be the girlfriend, as in “other woman.”  I’m referring to a monogamous relationship where there is a consideration to make the transition from girlfriend to wife.

My opinion has been shaped by watching good friends and colleagues evolve from single to married, and how their lives and perceptions of their spouses have changed over the years.

My theory is unsettling to several people – especially the couples who disagree, and those whose lifelong ambitions have been to say “I do.”  But before becoming offended, I invite you to really think about it.

Here are the differences, as I see them:

Girlfriends are fun.  When a man goes public with a girlfriend, everyone is happy for him.  “Finally!”  they exclaim, “he has someone to have fun with, who’s good for him.”  If they like her, his friends will be excited to witness the relationship unfold and see where it leads.  The couple hangs out together and they play together — all efforts to get to know each other and maximize their experiences.  It’s very exciting and suspenseful – especially for the couples’ family and friends, who are voyeuristically sitting back with bowls of popcorn, watching, wondering and making suppositions as to whether or not the couple will “make it.”

Wives are serious.  Wives run households and take care of all of the people who reside within the four walls of their homes.  Wives have responsibilities and they sacrifice.   There’s no mystery.  The couple has crossed the marital finish line, and it’s time to start building a life together.  In some cases, date nights have to be created to keep the spark.  Nothing to see here, folks.  Keep it moving.

Girlfriends are voluntary.  There’s nothing that keeps a man there, except that he wants to be there.  There are no legal obligations.  No fear of financial ruin.  In most cases, there are no children to remain for.   It’s pure desire.

Wives are perceived as obligation.  I really REALLY hate hearing a man refer to his wife as “the old ball and chain,” or complaining because his wife is keeping him from doing something he’d rather be doing.  Yet I hear those things all of the time.  I’d be a gazillionaire if I had a dollar for every time I heard “I can’t that night.  There’s an event that my wife is making me attend” or “I’d better not, or my wife will kill me.”  Unfortunately, I rarely hear a married man say “I can’t WAIT to get home to my wife.”

Girlfriends are keeping it sexy.  As a girlfriend, there are a few things you know for sure:  1) Your man can leave you at any time, so you have to maintain your hotness.  2) If he does leave you, you’ll need the ability to attract a new one.  Most girlfriends stay on their game.

Wives?  Well . . . according to several men, many women make a distinct shift after getting married.  There’s less of a commitment to sexiness, and the complaint is that the “girlfriend version” is much hotter than the “wife version.”

Girlfriends are pursued.   Men enjoy the hunt, and girlfriends are the prey.  Men are known to make grand gestures to further engage a woman.

Wives are no longer pursued.  Men aren’t interested in pursuing what they’ve already won.  I’ve known men to completely change their behavior and demeanor once they’ve “closed the deal.” (To be fair, men don’t typically pursue any girlfriend they’ve had over six months.)

Girlfriends are supposed to be treated like princesses, who are youthful and to be indulged.

Wives are the queens, and while that is a revered position, hers is a more stately and administrative role.

As far as sex is concerned?  Well . . . we’ve all heard the complaints that the frequency of married sex is WAY slower than dating sex.

Disclaimer – if you’ve been in a long-term relationship for several years, you might have defaulted to spouse status without the legal paperwork.

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The direct link to this article can be found here: (http://www.chicagonow.com/six-brown-chicks/2013/04/wife-versus-girlfriend-who-is-sexier)

You Can Dress Up For The Club, But You Can’t Dress Up For Church?

I was in church yesterday and noticed that a lot of the young woman (around 30 years and younger) were inappropriately dressed. Some were dressed up like they were going to the club, but others were dressed too casual, as if they just went going grocery shopping. And I just couldn’t understand why anyone would be okay to coming to church dressed inappropriately.

People like to quote the Bible by saying, “Come as you are” which based off of a parable that Jesus told (Matthew 22). In this parable, Jesus describes a wedding reception prepared for a king’s son. Those that were invited refused to come, so the king tells his servants to go and invite any & everybody since those that “deserved” to come did not come.  This is often drawn parallel to the fact that people will not be turned away from heaven based on how they dress. Many people misinterpret this verse thinking that this means they can dress any way they want for church, however, this verse is referring to the way a person is “dressed on the inside”; how they are spiritually. No matter what’s going on in their life or where they are mentally, physically, or emotionally anyone can come before God or into the house of the Lord. It’s one thing if you don’t have proper attire. You can’t wear what you don’t have. If you’re struggling to make ends meet and don’t own any nice church clothes then surely, you are not expected to spend money you don’t have just so you can go to church. But if you have proper clothing and don’t wear them, then shame on you!

Those of us who are Christians and are truly walking in the Spirit have to remember that we are living  examples of Jesus everywhere we go, but especially in the house of the Lord. When we come to church wearing our favorite sports jersey or tennis shoes, we are setting a poor example to others that any attire is acceptable in church. And it isn’t. For women who wear low cut revealing tops or too-tight bottoms, please understand that you should not dress in a way that will cause a distraction to others in church based on the way you choose to dress. Dressing provocatively distracts men from focusing on the Word and even I get distracted because it makes me wonder why a woman would wear that kind of clothing to church!

I will admit that there aren’t any scriptural references on how a person should dress for church. But that’s no excuse as there are a lot of things the Bible doesn’t spell out specifically but we know we shouldn’t do (think smoking cigarettes). Most of us dress up for church for cultural & historic reasons more than anything else. I choose to dress up for church because I believe in bringing my best to the house of the Lord. Why would I wear jeans to church when I have a skirt hanging in my closet? Why would I dress nicely for a date, and only wear a t-shirt for God? Why would I wear high heels to a job interview but Ugs to church? This just doesn’t make any sense.

Bring God your best.

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