Tag: Sex

Singles Getting It In While Married People Stay Abstinent?

The Apostle Paul gives tips to married people on how they should render to one another due benevolence in the form of sex and how they should only “abstain” from having sex when both married parties consent, but make sure they don’t “abstain” too long so that Satan doesn’t tempt one of them because of his or her lack of self-control, or incontinency.

It’s funny how even the Bible recognizes how for married people the biggest challenge is that they continue to come together as one by having sex on the regular, while for us, singles, the biggest challenge is to not have sex and remain celibate until

In other words, the flesh is a beast! It wants what it wants now and wants the opposite of God’s will.  (Romans 7:18)

But God be thanked because it is He who gives us the strength to walk out His perfect will in our every day lives.

As long as we continue to acknowledge Him about every thing, including our relationships, and as long as we look to Him to keep us while realizing there’s no way we can ever keep ourselves, then He will continue to give us the power to be kept.

So yes, we, as singles, can remain abstinent until marriage – and from henceforth we will while our married brothers and sisters continue to get it on like popcorn (and we won’t hate on ’em either ‘cuz our time is coming real soon 😉

Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy {Jude 24}

As always, Be and STAY Encouraged!  
*Excerpt taken from the Kim Brooks blog

If I’m Such A Great Woman, Why Haven’t I Met Anyone Else Great?

Wow. Where do I start? I’m 42, and have never been married, and I guess that I have been dating idiots, or men who are not even dating material for the last 10 years. People always ask me why I am still single, I get all the popular comments, like “Oh, that’s a shame, still single at your age”. It’s ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with me, I’m athletic, been told I am attractive, outgoing, and I enjoy sports, and all sorts of out door activities, and have a great circle of friends, so why after all this time have I not met anyone? My last serious relationship was back in college! I’ve dated on and off for a few months to a year, only to have things crash and burn for one reason or another. What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried the online dating, only to become seriously jaded by it all. I do have an open mind, and have even considered meeting and dating guys I normally would not. But nothing ever comes from it. Do I give up? I’m tired of friends telling me that when I least expect it, I will meet someone great, well, I have not been expecting it, and it never came. What now? :(


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Dear Lauren,

I’m reminded of a story that Rich Gosse, the founder of AmericanSingles, once shared with me. It was an amazing response to how he dealt with skeptical press inquiries about his new business model.

“What kind of loser (I’m paraphrasing here) would go to an online dating site to meet someone?” the press would ask.

To which Rich would reply: ‘Well, there are a number of people out there who are socially awkward. There are a number of people who are somewhat weak and needy. There are a number of people who are so desperate for companionship that they’d do anything to avoid being alone. I call these people ‘married people’.”

I thought that was a brilliant answer. After all, there’s no special skill for getting married. Buy a ring, take a vow, and you’re married. It’s why I’ve never once worried about my qualifications to give dating advice. I don’t suddenly get smarter if I propose to my girlfriend. And if she dumped me, I wouldn’t suddenly get dumber.

All of this is me saying that there’s nothing wrong with being single. … Despite the title of my second book, Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised To Get Mad, being single is a fine state of affairs. I’ve been that way for 35 years and frankly, I’m a little anxious about getting married.

That said, most single people (including myself) DO want to get married. Which is why questions like Why You’re Still Single and “Why He Isn’t That Into Me” are supremely relevant. And since the age-old answers like “I’m picky,” “I just haven’t met the right guy,” and “Men suck” aren’t leading us to a desired conclusion, everything I write is designed to create a greater level of self-awareness in how we are complicit in our own fates.

Shining the light on myself, I’ve definitely been too picky at times. I’ve been difficult and argumentative at other times. I’ve been in dire financial and career straits at other times. Not surprisingly, now that my career as a dating coach is in order and my head is on straight, I’m more open to giving and receiving love.

So what’s your blind spot? I couldn’t tell you, but I know there’s something there that you’re not seeing. Read this post from a few months back and you’ll hear yourself, Lauren. It’s from another amazing 42-year-old woman, who can’t fathom why she hasn’t put it all together. You seem to be more self-aware, in that you’re claiming to have an open mind about dating. So that’s a start.

But I think the greatest thing keeping single people single is that they don’t truly make an effort to change things. They say they do, but they don’t really DO anything about pursuing love.

Think about dating as a job hunt. This is the core metaphor driving my first book, and a guiding principle of my friend Rachel Greenwald’s book as well. When we’re unemployed, we do everything in our power to find work. Yet when we’re single, we sort of hope things will work out. You said it yourself. “It’ll happen when I least expect it.” No! It’ll happen when you create it. So what are you doing to create it?

Are you telling your friends to set you up with single eligible guys?

Are you going to singles events – parties, trips, cruises – or at least doing activities that have single men in attendance?

Are you taking online dating as seriously as you could be?

Have you gotten a new photo?

Have you a one-of-a-kind essay?

Have you signed up for a six-month subscription on a big dating site?

Have you been searching for and initiating contact with men?

Have you been giving men second chances on dates?

Have you considered hiring a matchmaker or a http://www.evanmarckatz.com/coaching/?

If you’re not doing all of these things, you’re not doing enough. Yes, it’s great when the universe provides a cute, attractive, successful, intuitive, funny, kind, emotionally available man at your doorstep. But since this hasn’t happened in 42 years, what makes you think it’s gonna start now?

Listen, I don’t know you from Adam, which is why any advice I can give you is a bit scattershot. But I can tell you this:

Happiness studies have shown that happy people are the ones whose goals and actions are aligned. So if a guy is a people person, but works as a security guard by himself for eight hours a night, it should come as no surprise that he’s not all that happy.

So ask yourself: are your goals and your actions aligned?

Your goal: You want to be married.

Your actions thus far: ???

If love is truly more important than anything else in the world, maybe you should start living your life like it. Take action and change can happen. Otherwise, it’s just a lot of magical thinking.


*Originally published on Evan Marc Katz.

How To Be Kept

“But I can’t stop having sex!”

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In spite of your past hurts, heart aches, mistake and heart breaks… It’s possible to be kept by God and remain
abstinent ’til marriage! 

A lot of people respond to this by saying to themselves, “Oh, it’s so hard.  I can’t do that!  I need sex! I can’t stop!”

My response to such comments like this is #1, change your confession. Never confess something is hard because your words have power and there is nothing too hard for God; with Him all things are possible (Mark 10:27)
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When it comes to the things of God, your mind may not be able to understand it, your body (i.e. the flesh) may
not want to do it, but your spirit man – who is actually the real you on the inside of you – wants to live for and
do right by God.

God wouldn’t set an expectation without also giving you the tools and the power to sustain.  The 2 tools He has given us on the earth is the Bible which is God speaking to you, and the Holy Spirit on the inside which is God living in you.

When you pray in the Spirit and when you read His Word, your Spirit man grows stronger and your flesh gets weak.

Every day as you seek God’s face in His Word and pray – even if it’s just 15-30 minutes a day, you feed the Spirit,
and starve the flesh.  As you do so, you’ll see it’s not hard it all – because God is a keeper – to those who want to be kept!

Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with
exceeding joy. {Jude 24}

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*Originally published on Kim on the Web.

Do You Know About The Buttered Biscuit?!

Sex may be fun, but it can cause a whole lot of drama! With all the unplanned pregnancies and high STI rates, irresponsibility is at an all time high. “Not right now” is the best way of saying “no sex.” It’s a great method as far as effectiveness is concerned—if you use it 100% of the time, you’re guaranteed to not get pregnant. And if you’re avoiding sexual activity altogether, you’ll be safe from STIs too. But it does involve a whole lot of self-control.

It takes discipline – Saying “not right now” only works as a birth control method if you do it consistently, so it takes a lot of self-control.

Good communication skills – You’ll need to be able to tell your partner what’s okay and what’s not. Which means you need to be comfortable with speaking your mind.

You’ve got support – If you are in a relationship, he’s got to be down with the plan. But remember, saying “not right now” doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have fun.

Waiting requires patience, but it doesn’t cost a thing. There are positive and negative things to say about each and every method. And everyone’s different—so what you experience may not be the same as what your friend experiences.

The Positive

  • Doesn’t cost a thing
  • Never causes side effects

The Negative

  • Can be difficult to maintain
  • Hard to stick to the plan if you’re drunk

But I’m nervous about telling the guy I’m dating that I’m not having sex right now.” First and foremost, make sure you talk to him before you two are in the process of getting hot and heavy. Second, you might want to think before you talk to him about exactly how you want to explain your choice. Be honest about your reasons and clear about what you are and aren’t comfortable doing. If he’s a good match for you, he’ll respect your choice!

Remember, hearts rarely get broken when legs are kept closed.

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*Taken from Bedsider.

Chocolate Vent: Top Blogs of 2014

As 2014 comes to a close, I thought I would highlight my top blogs of the year. These are some of the blogs that received the most views, clicks & generated the highest amount of comments throughout the year. Click on each title to enjoy! –


Do I Pass The “Pretty Feet” Test? – Men seem to take great interest in women’s feet. How good they look, what color the nail polish is and whether or not a woman has flat feet, bunions, corns or just straight ugly feet. Why is this such a big deal? Since when did nice looking feet become part of the dating criteria? I do take care of my feet, but if a man is that concerned he should be making sure his feet look as good as mine!


Men With Kids, Need Not Apply: Why I Prefer To Date Men Who Don’t Have Children – Everybody has baggage but I am not interested in a full set of luggage! As a little girl, I dreamt of becoming a wife & a mother, but never the wife of someone’s father or a stepmother. There are so many issues in dating and marrying someone who has children and I know that I am just not cut out for it. So if you are someone’s ‘baby daddy’- keep it movin!


Am I Wasting My Youth By Not Having Enough Sex? – Sex is a very intimate decision between a man & a woman and should not be made lightly. It’s very easy to come by when you’re younger but as you age, finding someone to “hookup” with becomes more & more difficult. The question then becomes: Should you start sleeping around while you’re still young enough to enjoy it?!


Why I Don’t Do Coffee Dates– There comes a time in a every lady’s life when she expects to go out on ‘grownup dates’. Men, this means picking her, taking her to a nice dinner, engaging in meaningful conversation and ending the date in a courteous & respectful manner. We could even go bowling, to a show or even a sporting event. Inviting me out for coffee should NEVER be an option. Read the full post to see why I don’t do coffee dates.


I also wrote several blogs centered around my time at the gym. Whether it was about the weird grunting noises at the weight machines to people wearing the wrong workout outfit, I’ve probably written about it. If you’re ready to laugh, click on the title to what see exactly what I’m talking about!

Well, I hope you enjoyed my writings in 2014. There’s lots more to come in the New Year!!!


Do You Take A Lot Of Selfies? Then You May Be Mentally Ill

Celebrities take them to show off their lavish lifestyles and normal people use them to document their movements on social media sites.

But experts have linked selfies with mental illness and have suggested that people regularly searching for the perfect angle from which to portray themselves could in some cases be ill.

One leading psychiatrist said the majority of patients he sees with Body Dysmorphic Disorder take a lot of selfies.

Dr. David Veale, a consultant psychiatrist at the South London and Maudsley NHS Trust and The Priory Hospital, told The Sunday Mirror: ‘Two out of three of all the patients who come to see me with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) since the rise of camera phones have a compulsion to repeatedly take and post selfies on social media sites.’

He told MailOnline: ‘Taking selfies is not an addiction – it’s a symptom of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) that involves checking one’s appearance.’

Cognitive behavioural therapy is often used to help patients moderate their obsessive behaviour relating to their appearance.

Sufferers of BDD can spend hours trying to take pictures that do not show any defects or flaws in their appearance, which they are very aware of but which might be unnoticeable to others

In one extreme case of the disorder, a British teenager Danny Bowman tried to commit suicide because he was unsatisfied with his appearance in the selfies he took.

He was so desperate to attract girls, he spent 10 hours a day taking more than 200 selfies trying to find the perfect image, but his habit, which began at the age of 15, caused him to drop out of school and lose almost two stone in weight.

He did not leave his house in Newcastle-upon-Tyne for six months, and when he failed to take a flawless shot, he tried to kill himself by taking an overdose.

His mother, Penny, managed to save him, but he was forced to seek medical help after his habit had spiralled out of control.

He told the Sunday Mirror: ‘I was constantly in search of taking the perfect selfie and when I realised I couldn’t, I wanted to die.

‘I lost my friends, my education, my health and almost my life. The only thing I cared about was having my phone with me so I could satisfy the urge to capture a picture of myself at any time of the day.’

In an article for Psychology Today, Dr Pamela Rutledge, Director of the Media Psychology Research Centre in Boston Massachusetts, said: ‘Selfies frequently trigger perceptions of self-indulgence or attention seeking social dependence that raises the ‘damned-if-you-do and damned-if-you-don’t’ spectre of either narcissism or very low self-esteem.’


BDD is characterised by a preoccupation with one or more perceived flaws in appearance, which are unnoticeable to others, according to the BDD Foundation.

As well as the excessive self-consciousness, individuals with BDD often feel defined by their flaw.

They often experience an image of their perceived defect associated with memories, emotions and bodily sensations – as if seeing the flaw through the eyes of an onlooker, even though what they ‘see’ may be very different to their appearance observed by others.

Sufferers tend repeatedly to check on how bad their flaw is  – for example in mirrors and reflective surfaces –  attempt to camouflage or alter the perceived defect and avoid public or social situations or triggers that increase distress.

People with BDD can find themselves housebound or seek out needless cosmetic surgery. They are also at an increased risk of suicide.

Preoccupation with selfies can be a visible indicator of a young person with a lack of confidence or sense of self that might make him or her a victim of other problems as well.’

She believes that excessive or provocative taking of selfies is a form of ‘acting out’ in young people and can be a cry for help.


*Article originally published on Daily Mail.

You Want Your Daughter to Wait For Marriage, But You Won’t Wait For Me?

A while ago, I got into a conversation about pre-marital sex with a man who happened to be the father of a 13 year old daughter. We started talking about dating standards and how he has tried to raise the bar for young men that will one day want to date his daughter. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and instead of answering yes or no, I decided to throw him a curve ball by asking him if he would ever date someone who was waiting to get married before having sex. His response was, just as I thought, “HELL NO!”  Since he’s a parent of a teenage daughter, I asked him what he was teaching his daughter about sex. He told me that he was teaching her to wait until she got married before having sex (which is exactly what I figured he would say). My next question to him was, “Why is it okay for your daughter to wait until marriage, but you wouldn’t date a woman that’s doing the same thing?”

He responded by telling me that he didn’t honestly believe that his daughter was going to wait for marriage but that the true goal was to at least have her stay a virgin until she finished high school. He didn’t really expect her to wait until she got married. He also said that waiting for marriage is fine when you’re younger but as an adult it’s not to be expected.

So then I started wondering at what age is it okay to “not wait” any longer. If I expected to be married by a certain age, say 30 years old (I’ve missed that boat) should I wait until then? What about after that? But wait, since we can’t tell the future and don’t know exactly when we’ll get married is there a certain age where women should decide that they just shouldn’t wait anymore?

I am of the belief that sex before marriage is wrong. Yes, for religious reasons, but there are many other “non-Biblical” reasons as well (I’ll save that list for another post). The point I’m trying to make is that why is it okay to teach our daughters to abstain from sex but at the same time can’t live by those standards ourselves? After all, I am somebody’s daughter.

I’ve had men tell me “I respect you for waiting for marriage, but I’m not doing that”. It hurts my heart that there aren’t many good men out there that will honor what I’m trying to do with my body (which will one day be his after we’re married, thank you). I feel like it’s a direct slap in the face to both my parents who raised me to wait on the Right One. It’s the equivalent of saying “Sorry Mr. Rhoades, I know that you taught your daughter to wait until marriage and I respect her decision, but I don’t want to date her because I think she should sleep with me anyway.”

I’ve also heard the argument that children shouldn’t be having sex but as consenting adults we should. Waiting for marriage is taught to children and not meant for adults. That argument doesn’t hold water with me because a woman’s body is a women’s body whether she’s 15 or 35 and she should protect her temple/her body (read: be with as few men as possible) no matter what age she is.

It’s just sad that a woman has to lose her values just to gain a man….


Solange, What Were You Thinking?!


In case you haven’t heard, Solange Knowles (Beyonce’s little sister) just got married last weekend in New Orleans. Her new husband (she has been married before) is Alan Ferguson, an award-winning music video director. They’ve been spotted publicly since 2008 and seem to have a lot in common. They look like a lovely couple but the worst part of it all is that she is in her 20’s and he is in his 50’s. He is 23 years older than she is.

Solange, sweetie what were you thinking?! Why on earth would you marry someone who is old enough to be your dad and is only slightly younger than your own mother?! You are in the prime of your life & have so much growing to do. Although you are more mature than most, you are still young yet & don’t know what you don’t know. Yes, you have been married before. Yes, you are someone’s mother. And yes, you have seen the world & are a self-made woman. But none of this has prepared you to be the wife of 51-year old.

You are still coming into your own & still figuring out what this thing called life is really about. Someone in their 50’s has done & seen it all. Even if you did initiate the courtship when you first met and even if you are in love with this man now, what kind of future will you have together? Why would you choose to be with someone who has such a vastly different outlook on life, one that can only come with age & experience – both of which you have not. You have so much growing to do, Solange.

Let’s not forget that you have a 10-year old son. You are essentially subjecting him to someone who is old enough to be his grandfather. Will you have other children? Do you anticipate raising another child (or children) and taking care of your husband as he ages in another 10-20 years? Why subject you and your children to dealing with all of that when you are such a young lady yourself? How will this impact them? Marrying an older man is one thing, but marrying a much older man is another.

One has to wonder what a 51 year-old man has in common with a 28-year old woman. Do you enjoy each other’s company? Definitely. Do you have the same taste in music? Sure. Do you share political views? Probably. But how can he share the same goals or the same vision for a family when he has already outlived more than half of his life and you are just beginning yours? Because of your age difference, you should be in two totally different places in life.

I think it’s great that you’ve found love. But are you sure it’s love? Are you sure it’s not merely adoration or admiration for someone so much older, accomplished and esteemed? Are you sure he’s not with you for your youthful spirit, your confidence or your beauty and not for a long-term future?

Solange, congratulations on your nuptials. I hope that your marriage is as solid as the faith you put into it.

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