Tag: Self Esteem

Is It Really True What They Say About Women Who Have A Lot Of Sex?

Nothing irritates me more than persistent half-truths and complete fabrications hyped as fact. Myths about women’s sexuality are continually refurbished and bought by the masses; old morays sold as shiny new tools to be hurled as weapons of control. It’s time to expose reality by shattering outdated perceptions of women who have a lot of sex.

Myth: Women Who Have a Lot of Sex are Easy

Fact: Women who engage in casual sex set higher standards on their new boy-toy than they place on men considered relationship potential. This is one element of casual sex where men and women’s approaches differ greatly. Men tend to lower their standards when looking for a hook-up while women seek better looking, more successful, and all-around awesomeness. So, bad news for the fella who tries to pick-up a lady because he thinks she’s “easy” — unless you are all that and a bag of chips or have serious A-game, odds are you’ll go home solo… not because she’s a bitch or a tease but rather because you weren’t up to snuff!

Myth: Women Who Have a Lot of Sex Have Low Self-Esteem or Self Worth

Fact: Although evidence shows many women and men who have diagnosable disorders or emotional troubles tend to have frequent indiscriminate sex, having multiple sexual partners is a side-effect of their disorder not the cause. Women who engage in casual sex, while maintaining healthy practices, tend to have higher self-worth and less hang-ups surrounding body image. There are wounded souls and damaged goods on both sides of the gender aisle but to assume a woman is “broken” based on how she chooses to express her sexuality says more about how you perceive yourself than how she really is.

Myth: Men are Wired to Have a Lot of Sex, Women to be Monogamous

Fact: There are multiple examples throughout history and in modern times where women, free from patriarchal dogma, have sex with multiple partners or even multiple husbands. If the females who have a lot of sex were limited to depraved, damaged or improperly wired ladies, then these societies would not exist or persist. Granted these cultures are few and far between but frankly, so are matriarchal societies! Nevertheless, they serve as an illustration that the number of sexual encounters a woman has is determined more by societal and social norms than wiring.

Myth: Women Who Have a Lot of Sex are Commitment-Phobic or Incapable of Monogamy

Fact: Research suggests men and women equally seek the loving arms of a committed partner. Studies indicate when a low sex-ratio is present (more marriage-aged men to marriage-aged women), infidelity in committed relationships decreases because women are in demand and set the rules in which sex and relationships occur. When contrasting with instances of high-sex ratio (higher number of marriage-aged women to marriage-aged men) where men are in demand and have more options, the rate of cheating increases. Still having doubts? Consider sexual satisfaction and why women cheat. When measuring the BIG O (orgasm) women report a much higher level of gratification when sex occurs in a committed relationship rather than casual hook-ups. As for why women cheat, if having a lot of sex were the defining factor then you would assume that most women would be unfaithful for the novelty, thrill or pure opportunity. However, that is not what the data shows and you would be wrong! The majority of women betray their spouses to fill an emotional void or to feel a deep connection with another.

Myth: American Women Have a Lot of Sex Compared with Rest of the World

Fact: The media wants us to believe that the U.S. is the land of sluts; slamming down our throats in tasty 30 second sound-bites, not only are we the land of the free but the home of casual sex. In reality the land of ball parks and amber waves of grain is ranked thirteenth globally for number of sexual partners and 24th for frequency of sex per week. So much for us being liberated sex mongers!

Myth: Women Today Are Having More Sex than 10 Years Ago

Fact: Hook-up culture is all over the news and dominates the perspective we have on the modern woman’s sexual behavior; however, looking at stats from the CDC paints a different story entirely! The number of sexual partners a woman between the ages of 15-44 in 2002 versus 2008 have remained virtually the same. Not buying it? Recently, research from Paula England delve into this very issue by asking college students, who we can all agree are at the center of the hook-up culture storm, how many hook-ups they have had during their college career. Based on the hurricane of media attention you would assume this number would be well in the double digits for a female undergrad. The number? Drum roll please, 4-6. That’s right folks, an average of 4-6 hook-ups within 4-5 years of college. The other tidbit worthy of mentioning, nearly 30-40 percent of what these hormone raging young adults consider hook-ups does not involve intercourse!

It’s almost inconceivable how an article like this is relevant in 2014 and a case needs to be made to defend women who explore their sexuality. Truth is, even if women today were having more sex than their mothers, why should it matter? As long as a woman knows why she is having sex, has consensual sex within those parameters to maintain her emotional health and sustains physical health by using protection… why does everyone care so much?

The next time you see an article on the evils of the hook-up culture notice that the focus is on the behavior of women. Who do you think most of these women are having sex with? Are you worried about your son’s ability to commit in the future? Oh, that’s right. “Boys will be boys.” What do you think your attitude says to your son about his sexuality? Isn’t his body just as special a gift to share as your daughter’s?

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*Article was originally published on Huffington Post.

How To Develop A Healthy Self-Esteem

As we approach 2014, it’s very important to examine not only our accomplishments of 2013 but also what you need to work on in 2014.  Part of working on “self” is boosting your self-esteem. This is hard for me in particular because I feel like self-esteem really should come from somewhere else, not from “self”. (But more about that in another post)

If improving your self-esteem is something that you plan on working on this coming year, here are some things to consider –

  1. Identify your strengths and weaknesses: Do you really know what your strengths are? Or your weaknesses? If so, you should be able to name at least 10 of each. And if you’re really good, you should be able to name 20
  2. Emphasize the strengths and work on diminishing the weaknesses: We all have strengths & weaknesses but hopefully you have more strengths than weaknesses. Focus on those positive attributes and continue to work on those that are negative
  3. Watch your self-talk: If you find yourself talking (or thinking) derogatively about yourself then try to replace those bad thoughts with positive ones. I like to reflect on Scripture myself – “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  Isaiah 41:10 / “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”  Psalms 46:1
  4. Watch the labels you give yourself: Just know that you are who you think you are. You are who you say you are. So encourage yourself with positive affirmations so others don’t ‘mislabel’ you
  5. Associate with positive people – Drop toxic ones: Do you know people who are always negative, always complaining or just plain angry? I know for a fact that I’ve been one of those types of people before, but I’m working on becoming better. It’s hard not to be there for your friends especially when they are going through something, but if you feel like they are pulling you down then you should consider limiting how much time you spend with them
  6. Receive healing from our shame: It’s okay to screw up. Just learn from it & move on
  7. Learn to laugh. Take life one day at a time: Don’t take anything too seriously. We hear all the time that life is short so you should live each day to the fullest, but don’t forget to laugh about the good & the bad
  8. Don’t compare yourself: There’s a quote that saysBe yourself. Everyone else is taken” That should be enough said
  9. Develop and maintain realistic expectations: I’ve always wanted to do big things. Some of my dreams are a little unrealistic, but most of my goals are very attainable. Those are the goals I need to be working towards. You should expect great things of yourself
  10. Learn to love yourself: Last but certainly not least, you should love who you are. You should love every part of you and what you have to offer this world. (I’m trying to do this myself as I write this) I’m not saying that you shouldn’t work on improving who you are but you should be comfortable in your own skin

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Men, You Want Me To Pay For What?!: Why Women Should NEVER Pay For A Date

It’s time to talk about dating again. Particularly how women shouldn’t have to pay for dating. I wrote a piece a while back asserting that dating is more expensive for women than it is for men, but now I want to touch on why a man should ALWAYS pay.

Personally, I don’t think a woman should EVER have to pay for a date. Particularly when we are just dating & not yet in a relationship. My brain can’t comprehend how a man can truly court me if I’m paying for myself the whole time, or even some of the time. If I’m in a relationship then I would chip in because at that stage, I can begin to “invest” in him because he has proven his interest & has already hooked me at that point.

Some argue that so many African American women are single because we are “stuck in our ways”. We shouldn’t mind treating because another woman will. Times are different, yes but that doesn’t mean I change what I believe in. That’s like saying if the new norm is having sex on the 1st date instead of the 4th then I should conform, lest I find myself single. Some values you stick to, regardless of what other women are doing. 

I have yet to meet a man who is raising his daughter to believe that it is okay to pay for dating. They may tell their daughters to have their own money just in case (as did my father), but NOT that they should want to be with a man who lets them pay for stuff. It’s funny how some men say one thing but raise their own daughters to do something else. I hold to the standard “If it wouldn’t be good enough for your daughter, then it isn’t good enough for me.” If you would check a dude for treating your daughter that way, why would you try to pull it on me? Am I not someone’s daughter? Am I not worthy of the same treatment?

Some men would argue: “What if I’m low on cash? Why can’t the woman step up & pay the bill?” Well, if he can’t afford to date, he should probably focus on that part before asking you out. Fellas, being broke doesn’t give you an excuse to be lazy or uncreative. There are plenty of ways to court a woman that aren’t expensive. Point is, a man should show effort. Coming over to “chill” (or inviting me over to do the same) is NOT a date. If you’re short on funds, make a home cooked meal with a good movie & conversation, create the ambience and voila! you’ve got a “real” date. Or what about an outdoor event  – such as a picnic in the park, bowling, or karaoke – none of these outings are expensive but they are dates. So not having a lot of money is no excuse. Where I live there is beautiful weather just about all the time & beaches galore. If a man would take me down to the boardwalk & buy me a $7 corndog a $3 lemonade & hold my hand I would be just as happy. (Yes, I know $7 for a corndog is expensive, but you get my point)

I also hear the argument, “Women are making more these days so why should a man always have to pay? Don’t women want to be equal? It’s 2013 and times have changed.” That’s a specious argument to which I would counter that men are still making more money than women. Period. African American men are still outearning African American women, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. (If you don’t believe me, click here for the stats).  As for me, with the exception of 1 or 2 guys, all of the men I’ve dated made more than I do so there certainly shouldn’t be a women-are-making-more-these-days issue.

People may question why a woman would equate a man paying for a date to her worth. Well, I’m definitely worth more than a couple of dinners & a movie so self-worth is not the issue. Men & women please understand it’s not about the money, it’s about how a man values me. Considering that he is the one that asked me out, he is the one courting me, it’s up to him to show that he values my time – at least as much as I value my own time.

Now there are men that are used to women doing all types of things for them, including paying for dates (in some cases to prove their loyalty). Some men will taunt women by telling us to “Step our game up because there are other women who would shell out the dough.” And to that I say, “NEXT!” Clearly, those are not the kind of men that will truly value me or are interested in something serious. Anytime a man mentions what another woman will do, it is often a sign that he is not ready to settle down. If a man is thinking about what he can get from someone else, then he’s just not that into you anyway.

I was raised to always have my own money with me in case of an emergency, but not necessarily to pay for the date. I do agree with my father – I should have enough to pay for myself, except it would be for me to pay my own way home should a man ever expect me to pay. “Hello, operator please find me a Taxi Cab.” Lol!

There is an article that talks about this very issue (see below). The author believes that a man would never ask Beyonce to pay for herself, or even expect his own mother to leave a tip if they were dining out together. Most men would argue that the women they date certainly don’t compare to their mothers & are by no means “Beyonce”. Well, if a man doesn’t value me nearly as much as he values a heavily made up, costume-wearing, booty-shaking performer whom he’s never met & wouldn’t stand a chance with anyways, then he has a problem. And no, I may not “compare” to your mother but you also wouldn’t ask Maya Angelou or Mrs. Michelle Obama to pay either if you were to meet them for lunch. It’s a respect & value issue. It’s not about looks or vanity, it’s about how you value them as women. You offer to pay (even though they can clearly afford it themselves) because you know that they are deserving & demand the utmost respect. Well, it should be the same way for dating – I DEMAND the respect & I DEMAND to be valued. One of the best ways a man can demonstrate that early on in a courtship is by paying a woman’s way.

Every time me & my friends talk about this issue I have to remind them that paying for a date is like opening the door for a lady – it doesn’t matter that I can open the door for myself, I still expect the man to do it for me. Chivalry is chivalry is chivalry.

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Here’s the article I mentioned from Six Brown Chicks that speaks out on this issue as well. Read below –

I know that for some folks, the recession is in full swing and all, but make him pay for the date. Yes he has bills, but so have you.

Make him pay.

What’s that you say? “Is it alright for you to handle something small, like the tip?” NO. Make him pay for that, too. Do you think he’d ever take his mother to dinner and ask her to leave the tip? Hmmm, probably not, right?

I know I may sound harsh. But let me tell you, I’ve been there. I’ve helped finance a couple of dates in my lifetime; I understand the reasoning of opening your wallet. You like him. You know he’s not a wealthy man and you’re not a gold digger. Besides, you had a nice time, too, so you don’t see the harm in making a contribution to the date. Chipping in on the evening just feels like the right thing to do.

I’m urging you to FIGHT. THAT. FEELING and MAKE HIM PAY.

It’s a terrible idea to open your wallet and here’s why:

First of all, you like this guy, so, are you just going to show up in a sweatshirt with your hair in a scrunchy?! Heck No! You went out and bought a dress; you got new nail polish AND touched up your highlights. Now, tally all of that money you’ve spent to look good for him. Do you realize you’ve already paid for the date before he even got to your door? So why would ever consider going back into your wallet to help finance the evening? That’s madness! Save your dignity (and your money) and let him pick up the tab.

And if he won’t cough up the cash, kick him to the curb. Why? Well, because of a very cool study released by St. Andrews University that reveals that men are more likely to pay for dinner if they think the woman they’re out with is pretty. That’s very telling; it suggests that men are willing to pay when they are in the company of a young lady they value. If he’s asking you to pay, then he probably sees less value in your company than he would see in some other woman’s company.

Call me crazy, but I don’t think you must be Beyoncé or Kate Upton in order to get a free meal. We can’t all be Beyoncé but, we all deserve a guy who thinks we’re as wonderful as she. We all deserve to be with someone who is in awe of us. We are all worthy of someone who will do whatever it takes to make us happy; someone who cops an attitude when the bill comes is probably NOT that guy.

In conclusion, I’ll keep it simple: There’s a difference between being in a relationship and being valued in a relationship. The best way to discern your future role is to MAKE HIM PAY.

Truly,

Sylvia

Sylvia Snowden is a fabulous Chicago-based journalist, the President of Always Onyx and Director of Community Engagement for the Six Brown Chicks. Follow Sylvia on Twitter @TrulySylvia; reach her at Sylvia@SixBrownChicks.