Tag: Romance

2 Reasons Why You Are Invisible To The Opposite Sex

There are two simple things you’re doing that make you invisible to the opposite sex. And everyone, actually. It doesn’t really matter what your sexual orientation, culture or shoe size is.

A lot of people talk about the basics of dating and relationships.

  • Love yourself first.
  • Make a list of the kind of partner you want.
  • Be the person you want to find.
  • Wear clothes that make you feel good.
  • Don’t pick your nose in public.

But none of that matters and you’ll never meet anyone if you don’t interact with people.

Imagine you are feeling great, looking strong and sexy, fully enjoying your life, in a job that lights you up—thriving in all areas of your life, except your love life. And you complain that you never meet anyone good. And what if the Universe was putting beautiful, sexy, kind, compatible partners in your path each day but you couldn’t even see them? How frustrating would that be? Well, you’re probably doing that a lot more than you think. I know I do. I just did it today. Here are the two simple reasons why you’re likely missing out on meeting more interesting people in your life. And maybe feeling alone in the process.

1. You don’t look up.

You are walking down the street texting. Tweeting about your burnt bagel. Reading the top ten reasons New York bagels are the best, Instagraming the filtered photo of your burnt bagel. Rarely is something really that important that it can’t wait until you’ve reached your destination or can step aside and pause. And of course, there is the basic safety of looking out for people, cars, bikes and baby strollers (been there). It’s scary when I look up after walking a few blocks and I can’t remember anything I walked past. My head has been tilted down 45 degrees, just like Charlie Brown. “Wow, there is whole world out here that I’m not paying attention to.”

Or I’m sitting on a bench in a park crowded with fun and interesting people, but they might as well not even be there because I’ve chosen my little glowing box as my security blanket. Or I’m at a sidewalk cafe but as long as I look like I’m being productive, I won’t be that weird person who eats a meal by himself, enjoying his own company.  That’s so uncool.

How is someone supposed to make eye contact with you if you’re distracted and looking down? Or how are you supposed to notice OTHER people that you might find cute or interesting? Living like this is like taking a big ass bedsheet and covering the top half of the movie screen. That movie would suck to watch.

 2. You plug up your ears.

After the eyes, come the ears. I love my iPod and iPhone. Having all my music with me at all times was incomprehensible 20 years ago. Unless I wanted to lug around five boxes of cassette tapes. (Anyone under the age of 25, click here.) And my default used to be that whenever I was out of the house and in transit somewhere, I always needed my soundtrack of Bobby Brown and Earth, Wind & Fire to musically lubricate my strut. But then when I looked up from my phone one day, I noticed everyone around me was doing the same thing. They felt so unapproachable with their white cords dangling from their ears. “Whoa, that must mean that I’m probably looking unapproachable myself.” Yes, there are no rules. You can always tap a cutie on the shoulder and say hello. But chances are most of you aren’t going to do that if they have earbuds in. And yes, there are times when I do want to listen to music or I don’t want to be bothered by anyone. Earbuds are great for that.

This is not a tirade against smartphones, texting or listening to music. It’s about bringing awareness to our habits so we come from a place of choice, not auto-pilot. Yes, take pictures. Yes, listen to Billie Jean. Yes, text your mom. But do it as a choice not an unconscious habit. Monkey don’t see. Monkey don’t hear. Monkey don’t date.

These two simple choices help accomplish two things:

  1. You’re present.
  2. You’re more approachable.

So look up, unplug and see what happens. You might just meet a new friend. Flirt with a potential new lover. Recognize an old friend. Get a new job contact.

Or you might see a happy kid with a balloon and just smile.

I’ll leave you with the words of a wise young man:

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” — Ferriss Beuller

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*This article was originally published on Jeffrey Platts’ website.

Are Men Pickier Than Women?: “The List” – Part 1

The other night I went to a relationship forum and there was a lot of talk about “The List”. The question came up as to whether or not women keep a list of the qualities & characteristics they want in a man and the response was a resounding “Yes!” When the men were asked if they had a list the answer was still yes but the men admitted to having a much shorter list than most women do. So what’s on these lists? And are these “lists” truly necessary? Well, since I can’t speak from a guy’s perspective, I’ll give you my opinion & tell you a little bit about my list.

Yes, I do have a “list”. I have a written list of things that I want in a man and although some of those qualities evolve over time, the majority of things I’m looking for haven’t changed. The last time I checked my list had about 20 qualities, which a lot of people may think are too many. (I tend to think that it’s not enough, but that’s another post) When men hear that I am looking for 20 qualities they laugh at me & often say “So, that’s why you’re still single”. Well, I am to here to write that I don’t care what people think or if they laugh because I think my list is valid and don’t plan on getting rid of it anytime soon. So what’s on my list you might be wondering? I won’t share everything because that would be too long but here are a few of the qualities that I want in a man –

  • God-fearing: This is priority #1. I need a man who loves & serves the Lord. Notice I said love AND serve. Not a guy that just says, “I believe in God” or “Yeah, I go to church”. I know a lot of men don’t actively wear their Christianity on their sleeve but if I can’t see the God in you then I can’t see me with you
  • Ambitious: Life is too short to stay happy where you are. If you can do more, you should. I’m preaching to myself on this one, but I believe anyone who is not working to their potential needs to get off their behind & make it happen! I have too much life left to be with someone who is complacent where they are
  • Attractive: I’ve written about this before. Everyone can agree that attractiveness is very important in a relationship and I’ve always thought this was something that I would have to compromise on. As a woman, you always hear that a man can become attractive to you over time or if he has a great personality he will start to look better. I have resolved that I don’t want to be with someone that I’m not attracted to, so this quality will stay on my list.
  • Romantic: Life is tough, so a little romance with my husband would be nice. I’m not expecting to be romanced every week but a guy who knows how to light a candle and owns a wine rabbit will go a long way with me. J
  • No children: This is something that I will write about in a future post, but I am definitely not interested in being a stepmother at this point in my life.
  • Personality: Anyone who knows me personally knows that I’m pretty outgoing. I can’t be with someone who can’t hold their own in terms of conversation. I need intellectual stimulation (that is such a sexy term, isn’t it?!) and someone I can have fun with. So if a guy is boring or can’t keep me interested then he’s not the one for me.

As you can see this is only a glimpse of my “list”. I get much more detailed as the list goes on.

So, do men keep a list? And if so, how many things are on it? I’m talking about beyond the basics – attraction, smart, loyal, etc. – what else is on a man’s list?

I’d love to hear your thoughts….

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I Want The Perfect Man, But Would He Want Me?

As I think about the type of man that I want to be with and the qualities I would like for him to have, I wonder whether or not I have the qualities that he would want. I do believe that just about every woman has some wifely qualities in her but are they the right ones? I would love to not have a “perfect man” but I man who is “perfect for me”, even though I’m not perfect.

I want a man who is –

Good with money: As the potential head of my household I want a man who is responsible with his own finances. I want a man who knows how to make money and protect the income that we have together. I want a man who not just saves money but is also financially savvy even though I’ve had my share of money problems.

Able to fix stuff: A man who knows how to fix things is sexy. Fix the toilet, change my flat tire, own a toolbox, anything – I like it! I believe that a man should know how to repair things but as a woman I’m not so good at housekeeping. I don’t like to clean & only do it out of necessity. I know a woman should be domesticated but cleaning isn’t really my forte.

Interesting: I am strongly attracted to a man that I find interesting & intellectually stimulating. And even though I’m pretty good at holding up my end of the conversation, when it comes right down to it I’m not always very exciting.

Attractive: I like men who are polished and well put together. Now, I don’t want him spending more time in the mirror than I do, but I think it is important to look as good as you feel.  I like a dapper looking dude even though I’m not always looking my best every time I leave the house.

A good listener: What woman doesn’t like a man who listens? Yes, I know we women talk a lot but it’s great to be with someone who is an active listener. But as much as I talk, I don’t always like to pay attention. I get bored when the conversation isn’t interesting enough.

Romantic: What woman doesn’t like a little romance? I expect a little romance every now & again, but I’m not very romantic myself. Why you ask? I’ve always thought romance should primarily fall on the man so that’s never really something I’ve put too much effort into.

Sane: There are a lot of weirdo’s out there so it’s not easy to find & connect with somebody who is not crazy! I am moody but I chalk that up to being a woman. J

Even tempered: I don’t want a man with a bad temper or someone that I have to argue with all the time.  I have my own attitude but I chalk that up to being a Black woman. J

A Gentleman: I like a man that opens my door (actually, that’s a requirement) & gives me compliments, even though I’m not always lady-like. For example, I talk about my menstrual cycle sometimes and have been known to put my feet up on the dashboard when I’m sitting on the passenger side.

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Girlfriends ARE Sexier Than Wives

This is an interesting article that I read this morning, written by Gina B. from Six Brown Chicks. I must say that I agree with her wholeheartedly. Of course, sexy is in the eye of the beholder but you can’t argue that once you’re married the “chase” is gone. There are many, many benefits to marriage but the element of keeping it sexy is easier without the “burden” of being a wife.

Maintaining your sexiness takes work after you get married and is probably less of a priority than when you were single. When you throw children into the mix, a mortgage and other family needs, things like shaving your legs everyday or wearing lingerie to bed usually take a backseat. I’m all for keeping things hot and perhaps the definition of sexy changes once you get married, but you can’t disagree that it is easier to keep it sexy because you want to, not because you have to.

Read the article below –

               Wife Versus Girlfriend — Who Is Sexier?

I’ve been in a relationship for a while now, which means that everyone demands to know when we’re getting married.  Oddly, that question bothers my boyfriend FAR less than it annoys me.  I avoid the question for a few reasons.  First, my decision to change my marital status is nobody’s business.  And if I’m being honest? I don’t think that the concept of being a wife is all that sexy.

To be clear . . . I’m not talking about women who choose to be the girlfriend, as in “other woman.”  I’m referring to a monogamous relationship where there is a consideration to make the transition from girlfriend to wife.

My opinion has been shaped by watching good friends and colleagues evolve from single to married, and how their lives and perceptions of their spouses have changed over the years.

My theory is unsettling to several people – especially the couples who disagree, and those whose lifelong ambitions have been to say “I do.”  But before becoming offended, I invite you to really think about it.

Here are the differences, as I see them:

Girlfriends are fun.  When a man goes public with a girlfriend, everyone is happy for him.  “Finally!”  they exclaim, “he has someone to have fun with, who’s good for him.”  If they like her, his friends will be excited to witness the relationship unfold and see where it leads.  The couple hangs out together and they play together — all efforts to get to know each other and maximize their experiences.  It’s very exciting and suspenseful – especially for the couples’ family and friends, who are voyeuristically sitting back with bowls of popcorn, watching, wondering and making suppositions as to whether or not the couple will “make it.”

Wives are serious.  Wives run households and take care of all of the people who reside within the four walls of their homes.  Wives have responsibilities and they sacrifice.   There’s no mystery.  The couple has crossed the marital finish line, and it’s time to start building a life together.  In some cases, date nights have to be created to keep the spark.  Nothing to see here, folks.  Keep it moving.

Girlfriends are voluntary.  There’s nothing that keeps a man there, except that he wants to be there.  There are no legal obligations.  No fear of financial ruin.  In most cases, there are no children to remain for.   It’s pure desire.

Wives are perceived as obligation.  I really REALLY hate hearing a man refer to his wife as “the old ball and chain,” or complaining because his wife is keeping him from doing something he’d rather be doing.  Yet I hear those things all of the time.  I’d be a gazillionaire if I had a dollar for every time I heard “I can’t that night.  There’s an event that my wife is making me attend” or “I’d better not, or my wife will kill me.”  Unfortunately, I rarely hear a married man say “I can’t WAIT to get home to my wife.”

Girlfriends are keeping it sexy.  As a girlfriend, there are a few things you know for sure:  1) Your man can leave you at any time, so you have to maintain your hotness.  2) If he does leave you, you’ll need the ability to attract a new one.  Most girlfriends stay on their game.

Wives?  Well . . . according to several men, many women make a distinct shift after getting married.  There’s less of a commitment to sexiness, and the complaint is that the “girlfriend version” is much hotter than the “wife version.”

Girlfriends are pursued.   Men enjoy the hunt, and girlfriends are the prey.  Men are known to make grand gestures to further engage a woman.

Wives are no longer pursued.  Men aren’t interested in pursuing what they’ve already won.  I’ve known men to completely change their behavior and demeanor once they’ve “closed the deal.” (To be fair, men don’t typically pursue any girlfriend they’ve had over six months.)

Girlfriends are supposed to be treated like princesses, who are youthful and to be indulged.

Wives are the queens, and while that is a revered position, hers is a more stately and administrative role.

As far as sex is concerned?  Well . . . we’ve all heard the complaints that the frequency of married sex is WAY slower than dating sex.

Disclaimer – if you’ve been in a long-term relationship for several years, you might have defaulted to spouse status without the legal paperwork.

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The direct link to this article can be found here: (http://www.chicagonow.com/six-brown-chicks/2013/04/wife-versus-girlfriend-who-is-sexier)