Tag: Relationship

READERS: Question Of The Day – Wearing Your Exes Clothing?

Is it disrespectful to wear an exes clothing when you’re in a new relationship? (Including their old sweatshirts/tshirts, etc)

Once you break up with someone is it wrong to still wear their clothing around the new boo?

woman in jersey

It’s Days Like Today When I Wish I Had A Boyfriend

My car battery broke down today. Well, it really happened yesterday but I’m still dealing with it today. I actually noticed the problem on Sunday because on my way to church my engine was having issues. When I put the key in the ignition all I heard was a clicking noise and I had to try 2-3 times before the engine actually started. I didn’t think too much of it and was just glad to be able to make it to the house of the Lord without any problems. After church the car did start but, again, it didn’t start right away. I had plans on Sunday afternoon but I canceled them because I didn’t want my car to get stuck.

Monday morning I had a very important meeting to go to so I made sure to leave my home extra early, in case there were any problems with starting my car. I made it to my meeting on time (early actually) but instead of dealing with the hassle of it all after the meeting, I decided to call a tow truck. So now I’ve got AAA involved. The tow truck comes but it’s not the one that I ordered. I specifically asked for a flatbed truck – you know the kind of truck that your car sits on top of, but that’s not what they sent me. They sent me a smaller truck instead – the kind that pulls your car behind it – so I turned it away. After waiting 30 minutes for the original tow truck, I now had to wait an additional 20 minutes for the actual truck that I ordered in the first place.  So the tow driver gets in my car & much to my chagrin it starts with no problem. He asked me if I still wanted a tow since my car was now running. I told him that since he was already there and I had been having problems with my car earlier that he should just go ahead & tow it directly to the mechanic. (Plus I never get to use my AAA card, so why the heck not?!)

When I got to my mechanic I waited for 2 hours while he replaced the battery. When he came to tell me my car was ready he also told me that the battery seemed rather new and I should check to see if there was a warranty on it. That’s when it dawned on me that I had replaced my car battery a couple of years ago at a local Sear’s auto repair shop. Shoot!

When my car was ready I paid the bill and raced home to look up my old car repair receipts. Sure enough my car battery was replaced in November, 2010 meaning I was just one month shy of the 3-year warranty. The faulty battery was still under warranty. Yippee! Well, now I wanted my money back especially since I couldn’t return the new battery. But wait, in order to make good on the warranty Sears needed to have the old battery back. Are you following me so far?

In order to release the bad battery so that I could take it back to Sears my mechanic needed to have a battery in its place. Kind of like collateral, you could say. Apparently, there is a disposal fee for car batteries and if my mechanic wasn’t actually going to dispose of my battery then he needed to dispose of another battery in its place. So here I am at Sears with the old battery and realized that they will have to keep that battery so that they can send it back to the manufacturer. Now what am I to do? I have a new battery under my hood, the faulty battery in my trunk and now a brand new battery to take home. Oh but wait, I still need to take a battery back to the mechanic. I asked the guys at Sears if they had an old junk battery that I could take off their hands but they didn’t. I didn’t want to give my mechanic the new Sears battery, because it’s brand new and he might just try to sell it to someone else (and we can’t have that, can we?!). I didn’t have an old battery to give to him & I certainly can’t return the new battery he just installed in my car, so what’s a girl to do?!

Its days like this, I wish I had a man to take care of this stuff for me. I mean all this running around and dealing with my car has really taken a toll on me. I’m able to handle it all, but it would be sooo nice to have a man in my life that can handle things like this. A boyfriend who can tell me not to worry, will get my car fixed and deal with the whole battery situation. (Side note: Do men ever have situations where they wish they had a woman in their life?)

Anyway, until that day comes I guess I’ll just keep handling my business on my own like I always have. I just hope to have a man soon enough that can take care of all the “manly” things in my life so I can focus on the “womanly” things. =)

Car tow 2

(In case you’re wondering, I ended up taking the brand new battery with me and plan on selling it to the highest bidder. No I wasn’t able to return the new battery so I ended up paying the mechanic the disposal fee out of my own pocket)

Men With Kids Need Not Apply: Why I Prefer To Date Men Who Don’t Have Children

This topic has been addressed many times before online, in the news and everywhere else, I know. But I thought I would add my perspective to this ongoing conversation. There are many reasons why I don’t want to be with a man who has children (or even just 1), so I thought I’d share my perspective from a more logical approach. I’m gonna break it down for you –

  • More money coming out of my household: Most men aren’t making enough to support multiple households. Some are, but most aren’t. The more child support and daily expenses that come out of our (yes our, because it’s my money now too) household is less money for any children that we may have together. I would treat his child as my own, but it’s not really fair that I have to help finance someone else’s child (or children). Why should my hard earned money go towards college tuition for another woman’s child?
  • I only want what I have to offer – I don’t have any children, so I’m not asking for anything that I don’t have to offer myself. I’m not a millionaire so I don’t expect to marry one. I’m no Halle Berry, so I don’t expect my man to look like Idris Elba. I don’t have a Ph.D., so I don’t expect him to have one either. You get the picture. I understand that it gets harder to find a man over a certain age with no kids, but couldn’t the same thing be said for me? If I can “beat the statistics” (over the age of 30 and still childfree), then certainly there are men that have as well.
  • Discipline – I don’t want any kid in my house that I can’t discipline how I see fit. I don’t need my stepchild going back and telling their real mother that I spanked them, she comes after me & we end up getting into it. And I shouldn’t have to always rely on my husband to do all the disciplining. They may be his children, but it’s still my house. However, when you’re dealing with someone else’s kids it’s tougher to “lay hands” on them without it being an issue.
  • Logistics: I think it’s too much trouble having to plan & coordinate holidays, weekends, etc with a whole other family. Not to mention it may limit my career mobility (unless my husband retires me!), in the event that I need to move, etc. I would feel like I’m competing for his time/attention for special occasions. Not only do I have to coordinate with the mother of his children, I will also have to coordinate with another set of grandparents. What if I have a big corporate event or throw my mother a big surprise birthday party that I need him to attend with me but his kid has a big championship game the same night? The kid will probably win every time. It may not seem like such a big deal but I can only imagine how all of those missed events will add up. No one wants to feel like they are second best, especially not to a child
  • Not equally yoked – Even though I would be the wife, I wouldn’t have an equal say in raising his child. Most decisions would be made between the real mother & the real father with some consideration to how I feel, but how can I love someone as my own but still not have equal say in what happens in their life or how they are raised?  Also as the wife, I don’t want to hear the words “But she’s my sons mother” because to me that means a compromise will have to be made on my end the majority of the time. No bueno 😦
  • I want to be his first – I want be the 1st woman to bear his children. The 2nd or 3rd time around is never quite the same. I’m sure being with the right woman makes all the difference in raising children, so in a way it would be his “first time”, but that’s still not the same thing.
  • Baby mama jealousy – Let’s face it, no matter how good the relationship is between my husband & his ex, there is always a possibility that she may get jealous after she sees that he’s moved on. Jealousy is a completely normal emotion to feel when it comes to having another woman in your children’s life.
  • I don’t want to be judged – I don’t want my parenting skills to be called into question. I may not be the best stepmother, but my learning curve would be a lot steeper. As the father, he’s been there since the beginning of his children’s lives & has had more of an opportunity to figure the whole parenting thing out.
  • Please hold the guilt trip – Even though it wouldn’t be my fault that my husband & his ex weren’t able to make their relationship work, I would still feel somewhat guilty that his children wouldn’t be able to be with him 100% of the time. Any children we would have together would, by default, spend more time with their father under the same roof. I would feel a little bad that the children from his previous relationship get caught in the middle. Although they wouldn’t be treated as outsiders or like “evil stepchildren”, this could still potentially cause tension between them & my own children. At the end of the day, I don’t have a problem with the actual child(ren) it’s just the circumstances surrounding it all.

Image

Do You Keep Track Of Your Friends Dates?

Dating is not a competition, I know. But most of my single friends are dating and it’s hard keeping track of all their different dates and different men. Every time there’s a new guy in the picture I have to remember to ask them how their date went, what  happened since the last date and when the next date will be. It’s a lot to remember especially when you multiply that by different friends who have multiple dates.

Think about it: If your friend meets a new guy she’ll tell you all about him including his background, anything about his friends that she’s met and of course the many details about her dates with him. Over time, the dates will start to add up and she may reference something from their earlier dates that you’re expected to remember. Not to mention if she’s dating multiple men at the same time, the things you have to remember grow exponentially.

Not only do you have to hear all about her dates, you must remember to ask about them. Women love discussing their dates with their friends but we love it even more when our friends ask about our dates first. Just like any exciting occasion, it says a lot about your friendship when your friends think to ask you about something before you can even start to tell them about it. Plus these are good details to keep in mind so that if there is a wedding later down the line, you’ll have some great memories to share at their wedding reception (I’m always thinking ahead).

What about when your friends get into a fight with their significant other? I think part of a friend’s job is to keep score whenever there’s an argument. Why? Well, in the event my friend is in the wrong then I need to share with her why  I think she is the one that needs to apologize. When there is an argument, I need to remind her of her boyfriend’s good qualities and why they fell in love in the first place. So you see, it really is important to keep track of your friend’s dates, after all.

All in all, it’s a great when your friends remember the special moments in your life. It’s even better when you don’t have to remind them.

Image

Grown Men Shouldn’t Text Me

I’ve already talked about how much I hate when men choose to text me. Unless you are under the age of 25, you need to pick up the phone & converse with me like a grown-up. I got a text the other night from a phone number that I had previously deleted and did not respond to it because he did not have the decency to actually call me.

This article hits the nail on the head (again) –

Real Men Talk, They Don’t Text

By Roxanne Jones, Special to CNN
updated 10:06 AM EDT, Wed July 3, 2013

(CNN) — That’s it. Starting today the next guy to text me and ask me on a date will be deleted from my cell phone — permanently.

Want to make plans for the weekend?

Wondering how my day was?

Need to discuss our relationship?

Call me.

Save texting for simple stuff: Let’s meet at 8 p.m.? Do you like sushi? Or even, you looked so hot last night! When it comes to texting, the KISS rule applies — Keep It Simple Stupid. Now of course, there are times when a “U & I R DUN” text may be in order. But that rule is only acceptable if you’ve gone out once or twice and had an awful experience.

Dumping or even divorcing someone via text message is just cowardice. It’s a punk move but it happens quite often and not just among teens, as pop star Katy Perry tells us in the July issue of Vogue magazine. “He’s a very smart man, and I was in love with him when I married him,” Perry says, of her ex-husband Russell Brand. “Let’s just say I haven’t heard from him since he texted me saying he was divorcing me December 31, 2011.”

It’s best to say good riddance to a loser like Brand. Because while it may be cute for teenagers to text their sweetheart all day and night, that is really no way for intelligent, confident adults to communicate. “People can hide themselves in a text message,” warns Bela Gandhi, founder of Smart Dating Academy in Chicago. “When you talk to someone on the phone that’s when their true personality starts to shine. Hearing someone’s voice tells you if they are positive or negative, or enthusiastic about life. The voice conversation is very important. It keeps people from hiding. The phone is a screener.”

As a happily single woman, I am shocked at how many professional, attractive and otherwise intelligent men have no idea how to hold communicate effectively by phone or face to face. Real communication often takes courage. It’s not easy to drop our defenses and reveal our insecurities to one another, especially if we’ve gotten our feelings hurt a few times. But developing your emotional intelligence is a critical ingredient in all healthy adult relationships.

A short text in the middle of the day to let someone know you are thinking of them is a sweet gesture. But if you imagine that sending a daily barrage of texts, such as “driving to work, heading to lunch, or just left a meeting” is a romantic way to show you are thinking of your partner, think again. Or texting in the middle of the night. I once dated a 50-something guy who thought it was romantic to send me a “good morning” text at 4:30 a.m. Good grief. When the chime on my phone jolted me awake, I panicked: “Someone must have died,” I thought. Why else would anyone text me at this hour? Bad move.

“Texting is not the place for anything serious. Never handle something over text that should be handled in person or over the phone. This just shows that you are a weakling who deserves a good slapping. Swallow your fear, and pick up the phone.” says relationship expert Michael Masters, author of “TextAppeal — For Guys! The Ultimate Texting Guide.” Don’t get me wrong, no one has time to be on the phone all day every day, but I can guarantee you that if the woman you’re dating would rather text you than call, the relationship is over.

Also, it’s best to avoid needy “Crack Texting.” “This is hands-down the number one mistake people make,” says Masters. Texting is best used as a slowly developing conversation. And the benefit of texting is that you actually have time to think before you blast off an inappropriate message. I like Masters’ rule: “The hotter the person is, the less you should be texting them. Don’t be needy.”

I get it. I love technology and I text, tweet, tumblr, pin, and share on Facebook with a passion. Social networking is an integral part of my life. But when it comes to romance, women still need to hear your voice or look you in the eye when we’re talking. “[Research shows] that about 93% of how we make our first impressions of people within 30 seconds of meeting them is nonverbal communication — body language, voice tone, personal appearance … ” Gandhi reminds us. “And relying on texting to build a relationship is a recipe for miscommunication, and premature intimacy.”

Don’t let technology turn you into a coward who is afraid of real conversation, or sharing yourself in any meaningful way. Don’t be a Russell Brand. If you have more virtual friends on Facebook than you do in reality, it’s time to reevaluate your life. Get out there make a few actual friends, in person.

Dating is easy. It’s risky. But it is not nearly as complicated as many people make out — as long as you actually like yourself first and are basically satisfied with your own life. I admit there is one date text I always will answer: “Want to go to the Knicks game tonight?” Now that message just might be the start of a beautiful relationship.

Image

Shouldn’t My Future Mother-In-Law Kiss Up To Me?

Sometimes I think about what my mother-in-law will be like. Will she & I get along? Will I like her? Will I call her “mom” or by another name? (Hopefully not something that rhymes with witch) Will she teach me the family recipes or back me up when she knows that her son & I have been arguing? Will she be proud to call me her daughter-in-law? Will she & I hang out together and talk often? Or will I despise her and complain to my girlfriends about her? Maybe I’ll dread the holidays when & if I come to visit. Maybe she and I will be complete opposites or worse yet, she’ll think I’m not good enough for her precious son. Whatever the case may be I know that once I get married, I’ll have to deal with (or put up with) not only his entire family but also his mother.

Of course, if my mother-in-law (MIL for short) & I don’t get along I would think that it would greatly affect my relationship with my husband, especially if he’s close to his mother. I wouldn’t want him to be stuck in the middle but that just may end up being the case. Who should a husband side with – his mother or his wife? I say his wife, because according to the Bible, “…shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.” (Gen 2:24) Plus we all know the saying: Happy wife = Happy life. Not to mention as his wife I am the one that is committing to him for the remainder of my life, sticking by his side through sickness, times of poverty, bearing & raising his children and will be there for him when he puts his mother in the grave. Yes, that’s morbid I know but that’s all a part of being a wife. So with that said, if I happen to have a MIL that I don’t get along with wouldn’t it be in her best interest to make a special effort to get along with me?

Just think about – if I knew that someone had the power of possibly putting me in a senior home once I got older or letting me move in with them instead, I would try my best to be on that person’s good side. If I knew that someone else was largely responsible for my child’s happiness and my grandchildren’s wellbeing, I would do everything in my power to build a good relationship with that person, especially being as the elder. Sure, there needs to be mutual respect between me & my MIL, and deference on my end since this is the woman that created the man I love & have pledged my life to be with. But don’t think that just because I tolerate you that I like you because those are two totally different feelings.

Until I get married or have children of my own that one day get married, I won’t know what it’s like to have a mother-in-law or to be one. Hopefully I’ll have a good relationship with my own mother-in-law but if not, I may have to prepare to not have a relationship with her at all.

Image

I Don’t Want A Retired Ho

Research indicates that the average man has slept with almost twice as many women as women have with men. Supposedly the average is around 7 women and 4 men. First off, I do not know who they surveyed – clearly no one in my circle! I joke, but those numbers seem awfully underwhelming. Based on conversations I’ve had with acquaintances, friends, relatives and even co-workers it seems that men have way more sexual partners than the average woman.

Not only do men have more sexual partners, it also appears that they stay single longer thereby justifying the higher quantity of sexual partners. It is not until a man is ready to settle down & get married that he can appreciate a woman who has not been around as much as he has. But once he’s had all his fun, why would I want him? What’s so appealing about a man who has slept around, played every trick in the book and is finally ready to settle down? That’s called “sloppy seconds” in my book.

Ah, the all so famous double standard: men can sleep around & women can’t. Yes, I’ve heard this so many times growing up – that it’s okay for guys to do what a young lady shouldn’t. Here’s the flaw with that posturing: a respectful young woman (such as me) doesn’t want a man that has been around the block a whole lot. If you weren’t thoughtful enough with your own body, and your health for that matter, why should I trust you mine? I know that we can’t change our past by erasing our sexual history. And while it may not be fair to judge someone on a past they can’t change, isn’t that just a part of life? We’re all judged on our pasts, whether we like or not.

You may be wondering what I think is an acceptable number of women for any man over 30 to have slept with. There is no magic number, but it should definitely be respectable. Of course it’s hard to find a man with a modest sexual history, but it is certainly a “bonus” for me!

Image