Tag: Men

Do I Really Like Him?! Part 3

Recently I wrote about how I can tell if I really like a guy. Although there are a lot of different ways for me to tell (click here to read some of them), I’ve thought of even more:

I cook for him – I don’t cook for just anyone. I cook for myself every week but I don’t often extend my hospitality to someone I’m dating. It’s rare these days that I cook for a man that I’m seeing let alone invite him over for a real home cooked meal prepared especially for him. I thinking cooking for a man is a form of intimacy, and I don’t extend that to just anyone.

Tell my friends less & less about our business – In the beginning of any relationship, most women tend to share every little detail about the new man they’re dating & all the dates they go on. But once I become more serious about someone, I stop sharing specifics because I want to “protect” our relationship.

I get less & less excited about him because we are comfortable around each other – As with anything you’ve had for a while, the novelty will wear off. Yes, I like the “comfortable” stage of any relationship, but I also miss the newness that every new courtship brings.

I actually pay for a date – I still maintain that a man should pay for a date. If a man asks me for my time & is trying to get to know me better then he should bear the financial responsibility of courting me. But, if I like a guy there will come a time that I offer to pay for our date – whether it be something as small as leaving a tip when he picks up the tab for dinner or treating him out to a night on the town – all because I like him enough to do so.

Has what I like in a man shifted BECAUSE I met him or SINCE I met him? – There are certain qualities that I look for in a man and if he doesn’t have them I tend to run in the opposite direction. But as a friend once told me, “You make exceptions for exceptional people”. In other words, if I meet someone of interest who may not be exactly what I’m looking for, I might (and I do mean might) be willing to change my perspective.

What do you think? What are the top 2 things that you’d like to have in someone you’re dating?

In what ways can you tell whether or not you’re really into someone?

Do you think they can tell that you’re into them? How do you know?

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Is Every Woman ‘Marriage Minded’?

marriage

I think that there is a big misconception that every woman wants to get married. Of course, a large number of women do want marriage, but there isn’t any data stating that number is at 100%.

Personally, there are some days when I want to be married. To have someone to come home to, tell me I’m still beautiful even after I’ve gained a few pounds and especially someone to share my happy & equally sad moments with. It would be lovely to have a spouse when it’s time to buy a house, celebrate my next big birthday or even take a vacation. Quite a few of my friends are married & seem to be enjoying the benefits of having a lifelong partner.

But, there are those times when being single isn’t such a bad thing. You don’t have to worry about someone being all up in your business, possibly being cheated on or dealing with unlikeable in-laws. You don’t have to split your finances, answer to anyone or put anyone else’s needs above your own. Basically, there are lots of reasons to enjoy being single.

According to the US Census Bureau (2014) less than half of all adult Americans are actually married (around 47%). This is a huge difference from 50 years ago when nearly ¾ of all adults were married. There may be many different reasons for this, but it just seems that people don’t want to get married like they used to. We know there are lots of men who shy away from marriage but what about the women? Is every woman ‘marriage minded’?

There are several famous & accomplished women who chose not to get married like billionaire Oprah Winfrey, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Academy Award® winner Diane Keaton. These women focused on their career, created a legacy and are extremely successful.

What exactly does it mean to be marriage-minded? Someone who is marriage-minded is looking for someone they can spend their life with, not just someone they can spend the night with. Instead of focusing on flaws, they look for the good in others and can recognize real marriage potential. Most importantly, they carry themselves as wives and not as girlfriends.

But just because some women are marriage-minded does this mean they all are? Does every woman really want to have a husband & be tied down for life? No, of course not. Of all of the unmarried adults in this country more than half of them are women. Some of these women may want to married (it just hasn’t happened yet) but there is also a share of those women who have no desire to be married. Women who have personal experience with divorce, don’t want to be tied down, aren’t interested in having a family or are more into growing their career. For some there are no real benefits of marriage. And quite simply, not everyone is “the marrying type”.

These are all very legitimate reasons for not wanting to be married. As a society we shouldn’t be so harsh on women who are choosing to do more for them & are not interested in marriage. When you see a woman without a ring on her finger, don’t assume that she wants one. After all, you know what they say “Marriage ain’t for everybody.”

How Did the Slow Fade Become the New Breakup?

You’ve met someone. And this one’s great.

You’re super excited about where things are headed. Maybe not to the altar — no one can know that yet. (You’re not delusional!) But it seems like this person would be a great plus-one for your cousin’s wedding in July, or worthy of that extra $100 ticket you got to that concert in August. You may have only been on a few dates, but they’ve all been practically perfect. Things are looking good.

But then, suddenly, something shifts, out of nowhere — almost imperceptibly at first.

An ignored text. An unreturned email. Excuses like, “I’ve just been so busy at work.” A canceled date … and then another: “Sorry, I’m going out of town.” No effort to reschedule.

Internally, you’re panicking, because you’ve been here before. This is a slow fade, you realize, and soon you know this person with the amazing potential will be completely gone from your life — and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

“You will never get closure in these types of situations, which is what almost everyone wants,” Boston-based dating coach Neely Steinberg tells Yahoo Health. “It’s always, ‘Why did you just disappear? I need to know!’

It’s one of the most frustrating aspects of modern dating culture: Disappearing is easy, and it happens often. Fading out is the new quasi-breakup.

Truth #1: Slow fades happen when things start getting real.

You’re dating, having a fabulous time, and everything seems to be great, until:

1. The other person suddenly realizes the relationship is going to seriously evolve — like, imminently — unless he/she pumps the brakes.

2. The other person figures out he/she’s “just not that into you.”

Enter the slow fade.

“In these situations, when one partner ‘needs’ more than the other individual is willing or able to give, they find it easier to simply begin backing away,” psychologist and counselor Karla Ivankovich, tells Yahoo Health.

Often, the slow fader feels like he or she is drowning. “Perhaps they were dating and then, at a certain point, it’s obvious the other person starts having expectations about the person and the relationship,” Steinberg says. “And the other person has two choices: ‘OK, I’m in, let’s do this, let’s have a relationship!’ or, ‘Oh, shit, I’m not ready for a commitment,’ or, ‘I’m not sure about this person,’ or, ‘I just don’t know what I want.’”

Related: The Number One Relationship Problem, According To Therapists — and How to Fix It

Rather than communicate fears and concerns — not an easy conversation to have — the slow fader gradually slips away, “so that the other person will get the hint without having to have an open discussion,” says Steinberg.

She also says that this is why a slow fader will often still show signs of interest even as they’re disappearing, making the ultimate poof! moment that much more confusing. “They are conflicted themselves,” Steinberg says. “They want to know that you’re still there, that you’re still an option, that the door hasn’t fully closed, just in case they have an epiphany about you.” (Which they may, later on. We’ll get to that.)

Truth #2: Millennials are primed to pull a slow fade.

It’s not you; it’s the generation. According to Ivankovich, millennials are practically groomed to pull a slow fade. “There are two concepts I refer to on a daily basis: ‘Our ADD Nation’ and ‘Our Disposable Society,’” she says. “In the ‘ADD Nation,’ children are taught to jump from sport, to activity, to interest, to academics, and to do so with intense frequency. If you are not excelling at something, get rid of it.”

And while no one is perfect, we’re primed to think that we can always get closer, do better, or find a better fit without putting in any additional work. We think we can simply “trade up.” This is the idea behind the concept of the “Disposable Society,” Ivankovich says.

Related: Should We All Be In ‘Monogamish’ Relationships?

“We are more inclined to toss the item, or relationship, than to actually put the time in to address the problem and fix it, especially with relationships,” Ivankovich says. “As you can imagine, commitment is not as important in this concept.”

Truth #3: That being said, its harder for millennials to truly fade out.

Blame social media. It may seem easier “to do the slow fade for younger people, who are more tapped into technology,” says Steinberg. “A few less texts than normal, a few less emails than normal, and then slowly … poof. But I think it’s also harder for younger people to truly vanish, because they’re all on social media, which is actually one of the most difficult things about the slow fade: They’re never really gone.”

This is tough on their fadee — who’s left wondering what the heck went wrong. “You can still see them and their activities on social media,” Steinberg says. “You get caught up in the whole social-media stalking thing, and that can hinder you from just moving on.”

But that’s not all. Social media is also tough on the slow fader, and it’s why he or she may just walk back into your life. If you’re living well, looking good in those Instagram photos, or meeting someone new, they may start to reconsider tossing you out. “Social media perpetuates the myth that everyone is happy and living life to the fullest,” she says. “And remember your grandmother’s old saying: You only want something when someone else has it. We are a society of coveters, so imagine your surprise when someone else has gladly engaged in a relationship with what you previously tossed away.”

So should you give a slow fader a second chance?

Let’s say a slow fader comes back from the dating graveyard. They say they’ve made a big mistake, or maybe they simply ask you out again. But should you actually entertain the notion of a relationship with this person?

Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer here. “Sure, a person can be worth a second try in some cases, but proceed with caution,” Steinberg says. “There needs to be open and honest communication about what happened [and] how you were hurt, and boundaries need to be set, communicated, and held to.”

“A sincere apology is nice, but their actions need to prove their words true,” Steinberg adds.

And there’s certainly no guarantee they won’t fool you twice, which is why Ivankovich is a skeptic. “Leopards don’t change their spots,” she says. “Personalities are consistent over the course of a lifetime. If it happened once, it will happen again.”

With all that, Ivankovich says she is also a realist. “People get back together because it is comfortable,” she explains. “The devil you know is far easier to get back into bed with than the one you need to get to know. … It’s a personal choice.”

If you do decide to re-engage with a slow fader, you have to let go of the past and the way it ended (or rather, faded). “It is not appropriate to go back into a relationship ‘looking’ for the next time they screw up,” Ivankovich says. “This is setting the relationship up for failure before it even gets back in motion, so in order to make it work, there needs to be two completely agreeable people.”

Only you can decide whether it’s worth it.

slow fade

*Article originally published on Yahoo.

Top 5 Reasons Why A Woman Should Never Propose

proposing

I don’t think a woman should ever propose to a man. EVER. Of course, it does happen but that doesn’t make it right. It is true that men do most of the proposing, mainly out of tradition, but also because it makes the most sense. Just think about it – men need more time to figure things out in the relationship department so when they are finally ready they can propose without any hesitation.

There are many logical reasons why a woman should never be the one to ask a man to marry her. Here are just a few –

Because. – No explanation necessary

Embarrassment – Can you imagine telling all of your family, friends and even co-workers about your big plans to propose to your boyfriend only to be rejected by him? How embarrassing that must be! Grant it, a man could be embarrassed by the rejection as well, but there is something a little less ‘ladylike’ about facing a rejection of that magnitude.

Cost of the ring – Times may be changing, but men do still make more money than women and probably always will. So why should a woman bear the cost of an engagement ring when it doesn’t make financial sense for her? Purchasing a ring, even a wedding band, is a rather large investment and a woman shouldn’t be forced to make that investment until the day of the wedding.

Rejection – Being rejected sucks! And I’m pretty sure men don’t like it any more than we do, but the difference is that they are used to it. Think about it – they get rejected more times than not whenever they ask a woman out, try to get a second date, or even when they attempt to get a woman’s phone number. For some men, that could mean rejection on a daily basis (or at least weekly). Do they like it? No, but it’s something that they are used to & seem to handle a little bit better than women.

If he didn’t ask, he wasn’t ready – This should be quite obvious, but people don’t usually do something until they get good & ready to do it. The difference, though, between men & women when it comes to relationships and marriage is that women are usually ready first. Our nature is to nurture so desiring companionship and wanting to settle down comes natural to us at an earlier stage in life. For men, on the other hand, the desire to “nest” (settle down) is not their first inclination. (There are some guys that want to marry earlier in life, but that’s definitely not the norm) And there is no point in engaging a man with the whole “marriage talk” until he’s ready. If you do it too soon he’ll either reject you or at the very least feel pressured to say yes, which he may end up regretting. Men were born to be the aggressors, so why not let them be what they were created to be? No woman should take away his ability to decide when he’s ready to settle down.

Ladies, what do you think? Would you ever propose to a man? Under what circumstances? Men, how would you feel if your woman proposed to you? Do you know of any woman who has? What’s their story? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below –

And Thou Feet Shall Never Be Kissed!

Every so often, I come across men who think more of themselves than they probably should. They figure that just because they are college educated (statistically speaking most men aren’t), don’t have a bunch of children, single & doing okay for themselves financially, their feet deserve to be kissed. Well, I for one, don’t think that any man is to be “worshipped” just cuz he’s ‘got it going on’.

What if I carried myself as if I were ‘all that’?! I’m educated, don’t have any children and am a pretty decent catch but I certainly don’t think any man should worship me for any of those reasons.

The problem with men who have a sense of entitlement is that it affects other aspects of the relationship & can cause conflicts. These men may feel like they don’t need to apologize when they’re wrong or compromise in any way. Why be willing to work hard in a relationship if you feel as if the other person is “lucky” just to be with you? If the person you’re with truly thinks that they could’ve done better than you, then that’s not someone you should be with. No person should ever feel like they’re expendable.

Sometimes these ‘entitled’ men don’t put in the work or the effort it takes to sustain a healthy & loving relationship either. Instead of ‘putting in work’, they may turn the tables on you & make you feel guilty whenever something goes wrong instead of taking responsibility for their own actions. It is one of the worst feelings in the world when one person is made to feel responsible for everything when it’s not entirely their fault.

But why would a man think that his feet should be kissed? Is it because he knows that there are more women than men? Is it because he knows that some women want marriage so badly that they are willing to put up with more just to secure a husband? Or is it because they’ve been led to believe that they really are a good catch & should think especially high of themselves? Whatever the answer may be, no woman likes a man who is full of themselves and doesn’t have any humility whatsoever. Confidence is sexy, but cockiness is not.

Women, have you ever met someone who acted as if they were better than they really were? Men, do you feel like because you have your stuff together that women should be glad just to be with you? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below –

kiss feet

Men, Stop Waiting So Long To Get Married!

married

On no day will I understand why black men wait so long to get married. The US Census Bureau shows, on average, every other race, both men and women, get married between 26 and 29. But you wait till you’re nearly 31.

And for-real tho, who they countin’? Most of the single black men I know aren’t close to walking down nobody’s aisle.

Two of my close friends, who I’ll call Mr. Eastgate and Mr. Astrodome, are in their mid 40’s, single, no kids, and never married. They both want to get married.  But they haven’t found the right one yet.

Let me tell you a secret: finding the right one has nothing to do with her. It has everything to do with you. There are four things that transpire in a man’s life for him to make the decision to get married.

  1. Belief in Marriage. You must have a value system that believes the institution of marriage is something that’s good. This valuing began in your childhood, most likely from your family.
  2. Expectations. Your beliefs develop a set of expectations of the kind of woman that’s a perfect wife for you.
  3. Past Relationship Experiences. Your past relationship experiences clarify your expectations of what you want and what you don’t want in a wife.
  4. Preparation. According to your refined expectations, you know the kind of husband you want to be. For me, I wanted to be like Heathcliff Huxtable. However, when you where younger, you probably weren’t ‘ready yet’ to take on those Huxtable-like roles and responsibilities. So you took time to work on yourself, get your finances right, and eventually get rid of past relationship baggage/demons.

Here’s where you went wrong. Your expectation of married-life is one-sided. Yes, you’re willing to compromise, but your expectations are all about what you will get from your wife, not what your wife needs to get from you. You also waited to settle down after you completed the preparation stage.

The problem is…

Your expectation of the perfect wife, the woman you’ve painstakingly spent the last # of years preparing for doesn’t exist. You believe there’s someone out there that already meets your expectations of the perfect wife you’ve prepared for. But it is impossible to predict or forecast what your future wife will need you to give her. Why? Because she also went through her own 4-step process to get ready for marriage. And she also has expectations for the perfect husband, which is now your unexpected list of things she needs you to give her. But you didn’t prepare for some of the intricacies on her list. So instead of meeting those expectations, you disqualified her from ‘perfect wife’ status and moved on to the next one…hoping she’ll meet your expectations.

When I got married, I thought I was prepared. In order for us to make it work, and be happy, I had to learn how to communicate in a more caring manner, drive slower, become more patient because she takes longer to get ready, come home sooner because she gets tired quicker, be more affectionate…I could go on. Through 17 years of trial and error and give and take, I have handcrafted the perfect wife for me, the likes of which I could never find on the open market.

Mr. Eastgate, Mr. Astrodome, and my fellow black men, the perfect wife for you is not found, she is forged in marriage. All the things you want and don’t want in your perfect wife, you have to cultivate in her as your wife through the hard work of learning new communication skills, coping skills, adapting skills, etc.

I know you’ve done a lot to prepare yourself for marriage. But don’t confuse what it takes to get married…to what it takes to stay married. As a potential husband, know…every time the level of your relationship increases (i.e., from dating to engagement to marriage), the level of work you have to put in increases to perform at even the lowest levels of proficiency. By the time you reach the marriage level, you don’t settle down, you ramp up!

So fellas, reset your expectations, accept the unknown variables a woman will bring to your life, and stop waiting to find the perfect wife before you get married. Create her in marriage.

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*Originally published on BlackAndMarriedWithKids.