Tag: Gentleman

Is Chivalry Dead Or Just On Life Support? (Revisited)

I’ve addressed the issue of chivalry before (click here to read it). However, as I continue to date and have friends that date I think this issue will probably need to be addressed again from time to time. First, let’s be clear on the purpose of dating – dating is an important step in finding a spouse. But this definition primarily deals with people who are dating seriously. In this post, I’d like to address chivalry as it pertains to your first couple of dates.

As you read this, please bear in mind that the 1st date is the time where the man is appealing to the woman. His whole goal is to get to know the woman and express his interest in her so it is up to the man to make the right impression. With that said, we all know that a man should open the door for a woman and pay for the date. It amazes me how many women don’t enforce this. I understand that this is 2013 & women are making more than men these days, but still! Ladies, let a man be a man and pay for the date; after all he asked you out. (More about this in another post)

Okay, so now let me address a few other things I think a man should do:

1)      Don’t play loud music in the car: So you’ve picked me up and I’m sitting in your passenger seat. This is the perfect opportunity to have conversation, not listen to whatever play list you have in your stereo. Listening to music can be a nice ice breaker but this early on in the date you shouldn’t have run out of things to talk about already.

2)      Walking on the outside: So now we are walking towards the restaurant and there is no way that I should be on the sidewalk closest to the street. I know, I know – that tradition may be a little old school and maybe even a little outdated, but nonetheless – there isn’t a woman I know who doesn’t appreciate this small gesture of chivalry. Some men have argued that this shouldn’t be a big deal anymore so I say to them, if it’s not a big deal, then why not just do it?

3)      Open the door for me: I cannot emphasize this enough. I know that most men already do this but I need to clarify: Don’t open the door for yourself, walk in & then hold the door behind you for me to walk in after you. That’s not how chivalry works. Being a gentleman means that the lady goes first through the door. My ex-boyfriend used to do the whole ‘hold the door open after him’ routine & I quickly put him in his place. No woman wants to be an afterthought, and when you hold the door open after you’ve already walked through it then that’s exactly how we’ll feel – like an afterthought.

4)      Let me order first: The golden rule of any date is to let the woman go first. If you follow this while you are ordering your dinner there shouldn’t be any problems. Your server should know to look at the woman first when taking the food & drink orders, but in the event that they don’t men please let her order first! I’ve had guys order their drinks before me & it was an instant turnoff. A while ago, I went out with a guy who interjected his order before mine. I quickly put him in check, “Oh, I see you’re not the type to let a lady go first.”  This was a double entendre (if you know what I mean) but he got the hint and quickly apologized.

(When ordering this is especially helpful when you are trying to gauge how much money you can spend that night – if you let me order first, you’ll know how much you have left to spend. Hello!)

5)      Who goes first on the escalator/elevator?: The elevator is easy – always let the woman enter & exit the elevator first. Plus, you get to see how cute my outfit is if you let me go ahead J    The escalator is a little different, though, and here is where it gets tricky. In theory, a man should always go first on an escalator that is headed down. However, on an escalator ride going up the man should be behind the woman. Here’s why: if I am headed uphill and lose my balance, I am more likely to fall backwards. Therefore the man should be behind me. If I somehow trip on a descending escalator, then the man should be in front of me to catch me if I fall. Makes sense doesn’t it?

6)      The good night kiss: Ah, going in for the dreaded good night kiss. Should you ask her first or just go for it? I think there’s no right or wrong answer for this one. Men, you have to gauge your date to see what’s best. I’ve had men ask if they could kiss me first and sometimes I say yes & sometimes I say no. I’ve also had men who just go for it & I am not afraid to reject them. I either turn my head (so they get my cheek instead) or I pull away altogether. Yeah, that makes things a little awkward sometimes but a kiss isn’t any good unless we are both feelin’ it. So guys, before you try & kiss your date start with a hug and try to determine if she’s comfortable enough to kiss you back. Some girls actually think it’s cute when a guy asks them first before trying to kiss them. I know I do J

At the end of the day, men, all of these things will impress your date and put you ahead of any other man that she’s dating. Not to mention, it doesn’t cost you anything to be a gentleman!

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I Want The Perfect Man, But Would He Want Me?

As I think about the type of man that I want to be with and the qualities I would like for him to have, I wonder whether or not I have the qualities that he would want. I do believe that just about every woman has some wifely qualities in her but are they the right ones? I would love to not have a “perfect man” but I man who is “perfect for me”, even though I’m not perfect.

I want a man who is –

Good with money: As the potential head of my household I want a man who is responsible with his own finances. I want a man who knows how to make money and protect the income that we have together. I want a man who not just saves money but is also financially savvy even though I’ve had my share of money problems.

Able to fix stuff: A man who knows how to fix things is sexy. Fix the toilet, change my flat tire, own a toolbox, anything – I like it! I believe that a man should know how to repair things but as a woman I’m not so good at housekeeping. I don’t like to clean & only do it out of necessity. I know a woman should be domesticated but cleaning isn’t really my forte.

Interesting: I am strongly attracted to a man that I find interesting & intellectually stimulating. And even though I’m pretty good at holding up my end of the conversation, when it comes right down to it I’m not always very exciting.

Attractive: I like men who are polished and well put together. Now, I don’t want him spending more time in the mirror than I do, but I think it is important to look as good as you feel.  I like a dapper looking dude even though I’m not always looking my best every time I leave the house.

A good listener: What woman doesn’t like a man who listens? Yes, I know we women talk a lot but it’s great to be with someone who is an active listener. But as much as I talk, I don’t always like to pay attention. I get bored when the conversation isn’t interesting enough.

Romantic: What woman doesn’t like a little romance? I expect a little romance every now & again, but I’m not very romantic myself. Why you ask? I’ve always thought romance should primarily fall on the man so that’s never really something I’ve put too much effort into.

Sane: There are a lot of weirdo’s out there so it’s not easy to find & connect with somebody who is not crazy! I am moody but I chalk that up to being a woman. J

Even tempered: I don’t want a man with a bad temper or someone that I have to argue with all the time.  I have my own attitude but I chalk that up to being a Black woman. J

A Gentleman: I like a man that opens my door (actually, that’s a requirement) & gives me compliments, even though I’m not always lady-like. For example, I talk about my menstrual cycle sometimes and have been known to put my feet up on the dashboard when I’m sitting on the passenger side.

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Is Chivalry Dead or Just on Life Support?

How many things do you see wrong with this picture?

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I see at least 2 things wrong: Why on earth isn’t he holding her bags, or walking on the side of the street closest to the cars? (And she’s pregnant at that!) This picture just goes to show that chivalry is dying a slow & painful death.

Men aren’t gentlemen anymore and women aren’t ladies anymore. A real lady allows a gentleman to show acts of chivalry. This includes:

  • Opening doors – Any & all doors
  • Giving up your seat for a female – Especially for elderly women
  • Carrying bags – Especially the heavy ones
  • Walking on the outside of the sidewalk – Even if you think this is an outdated notion, it still holds value
  • Paying for dates – A lady should never have to come out of pocket
  • Helping a lady put on her jacket or her coat

Ways a woman can show her appreciation towards a gentleman:

  • Saying thank you to a man who holds the door open – Saying thank you goes a long way
  • Offer to pay for things from time to time – If he buys the movie tickets, offer to buy the popcorn
  • Serve a man – When eating at home, serve him his plate and don’t eat until he starts eating

Why aren’t men as chivalrous as they used to be? Have men gotten lazy? Or is it because women have fought so hard to be independent so men feel it’s not necessary anymore? Unfortunately, along the way a lot of gentlemen seem to have lost their charm. But there are plenty of women out there, like me, who still deserve (and expect) to be treated like a lady.

So to you gentlemen, even if you feel like some women are not deserving of your chivalrous efforts, please keep them up. The right lady will appreciate them.

When A Guy Isn’t a Gentleman Is His Mom To Blame?

Between my male relatives, dating and having a lot of guy friends I have come across a lot of men. And I don’t know if I should just chalk it up to “it’s a new era” or something else but men just aren’t gentlemen anymore. At least not the kind my father taught me to appreciate.

I realize that this is the 21st century and new times call for new dating practices but there are certain things that are just unacceptable when courting a woman that a man should have been taught. So my question is: Who do I blame for a man not being a gentleman – him or his mother?

Some examples of being a gentleman include:

  • Opening the door (all doors, including the car door)
  • Paying for the date
  • Compliments
  • Tasteful conversation
  • No pressure of intimacy
  • Being considerate to a woman’s friends & family
  • Offering to help when help is needed

Men don’t seem to offer these qualities anymore and I would dare say it’s because they probably don’t feel as though they have to. There are plenty of women that would allow a man to get away with treating her less than she deserves so the bar has been lowered for a lot of men. My contention is that just because other women have lowered their standards, doesn’t mean that I should accept less from any man. I still expect to be treated a certain way when dating a man (and yes, I treat him the way I want to be treated) but that’s becoming harder & harder to come by.

So, who do I blame – Other women for allowing men to treat them less than they deserve, the man himself or do I blame his parents for not raising him to be the gentleman I deserve?

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