Tag: Friends

Am I Her Back Up BFF?

I know someone who was really good friends with another female. They would hang out together, talk all the time & even lived together at one point. As the old folks would say, “they were thicker than thieves”. This friendship lasted years and just like two old friends, they would occasionally have their spats. But these spats never lasted long, and they would go right back to being friends again.

Then one day, things started to get weird. I’m not sure if it was jealousy or if their friendship had simply run its course but whatever the case, their friendship slowly started to disintegrate and seemingly without any good reason.

Then one day as things would have it, one of the girls started to reach out to me. First, it started off with text messages then it escalated into actual phone calls. She was asking me what I was doing over the weekends to see if we could hang out together, but the doozy was when she invited me to her birthday party. Although we were distant friends I had never been invited to party with her before. I always love a good party so I gladly accepted her invitations. I did find it odd that she was just now starting to include me in her life even though we were already friends. Should I be offended that she never invited me anywhere before? Maybe, but the past is the past and the only way to grow a friendship is to be a friend, right?

So little by little, I found myself spending more time with her and sharing more & more of my life with her and she started doing the same. She started telling me about her friends, her family, and her own life stories. Eventually, the conversation came around to what happened between her & the other girlfriend that she used to hang with all the time. She told me that that relationship was on the rocks but that she was glad she found a new(ish) friend in me.

Yes, it kind of sucks that it took the demise of one friendship in order for another to blossom but that’s life. Sometimes things must wither or die off before something new can take its place. While I can never replace what she had with her old friend (nor would I try), I’m glad to know that I can be there for someone when they need it.

 

I Just Lied To My Friend

I have a friend who always begs me to tell her about my dating experiences. It’s almost as if I’m her entertainment. She calls me up to see if I have any “hot date” stories. I think the reason she does this is because she doesn’t date much herself. It’s not that she’s unattractive, boring or anything like that but she lives in a small town where there’s not a whole lot of action and there certainly aren’t a lot of eligible bachelors.

We talk a couple of times a week and she never hesitates to dig into my personal business. This is fine because, after all, we’re friends. But after some years of conversation with her, I’ve realized that she doesn’t have any juicy stories to tell about herself. And understandably so, she hasn’t been out on a date in probably 1-2 years herself (again she just lives in a really rotten area for dating).

I’m flattered that she has such a great interest in my love life but I hate feeling like I’m her source of entertainment every week. She thinks that when you’re in a relationship you should share everything with your closest friends. I agree that close friends should talk and should be able to talk freely but I don’t think they need to know all my business, especially when they’re not divulging any business of their own. (I’ve written about this before.)

People who are engaged or married have told me “what happens in a marriage stays in a marriage”. And while I’m not married yet, I certainly understand why there’s no need to share everything with people outside of your marriage. I do value her advice (most of the time) but I must admit, a lot of the times she’s off the mark. Maybe it’s because she’s a little older than me, maybe it’s because she hasn’t dated in a while, or maybe it’s because she’s more conservative than I am.  Whatever the case is, I find myself wanting to tell her less & less about the men that I date. She seems to sense that I might not be sharing everything during our conversations because she’s always pressing me for more information. Unfortunately, I’m just not going to be the friend who gives it to her.

At one point in time, I did tell her that I would always share things with her because we are so close. But as a single woman looking to get married I now realize that this statement was a mistake. The only person that needs to be involved in my relationships is the man I’m with & God. Maybe when (and if) she ever gets married she’ll understand that herself.

Have you told a friend too much about the person you’re dating? Has it ever backfired on you?

So This Is What It Feels Like To Be In Your 30’s…

Old 2

With every passing year I truly realize how much older I am getting. Little things that didn’t use to be an issue have now become a whole ordeal (if you’re over 35 you know what I’m talking about). Things that no young person would think about have started to happen to me. Here are just a few of those things:

I literally have to stretch as soon as I wake up – when I was younger I could just hop out of bed & start my day. But now I have to do stretches as if I’m preparing to run a marathon before I can even brush my teeth. It seems that my muscles are getting tighter as I get older.

stretch

Drink more water – really everyone should do this no matter what age they are, but there’s something about getting older that makes drinking water a necessity more than ever before. It’s almost as if I have to make up for all that bad food and drink I had when I was in my 20s. Oh well, good thing I actually like water!

water

Get tired earlier – I’ve always been a night owl so it’s nothing for me to stay up well past midnight. But as I get older I realize I’m getting tired earlier & earlier. I’ve started to get ready for bed earlier, but I haven’t quite got it in my head that I actually need to go to sleep earlier. I’m sure there’ll come a point when I start to fall asleep on the couch more & more which will prompt me to start going to bed earlier.

tired

Talk to your friends less & less – As you get older people that you know become more & more absorbed with their own families. This leaves them less & less time for talking with their friends – like you!  It’s one thing to build your career & still have friendships. It’s easy to chat with someone while you’re on the way to the airport or in the office working late & need a quick break. But when you’re raising children, your time & attention is devoted solely to them which leaves less time for your friends. I’ve been a victim of this more times than I can count, but that’s life I suppose! (But that’s also why I continue to make new friends; gotta replace the ones who are too busy for you)

friends

Okay ya’ll, when did you know you were getting old?! Sound off in the comments section –

To All The People Who Claim They Don’t Like Drama, But Really Do…

Drama

Some of you need to stop. Please, just stop it. You act like you don’t like drama. You act like you don’t want to be in the middle of “things”, but you always are. Why is that? I know why. It’s because you want to be.

I have a friend who is single with no children, not really busy outside of work, has no responsibilities, not even so much as a dog. Every time we speak, it seems like he’s in the middle of either family drama or in between two friends going at it. He seems to be annoyed by it all but I believe deep down, he actually enjoys not only hearing all the drama but being in the middle. And why wouldn’t he? He doesn’t have much going on in his own life. Like I said, no kids, no wife, or anything special going on in his world so to be involved in other people’s drama I think gives him a “sense of purpose.”

There’s nothing wrong with this either. Sometimes people thrive off of other people’s drama. How boring would life be if all we did was just focus on our own lives? Things can get pretty mundane without friends or family who have drama.

As for my friend, he always complains that people are such a mess yet he still continues to find himself in the middle of things. I think he actually likes it that way. I don’t know, maybe it makes him feel better than other people? Maybe he feels like because his own personal life is so peaceful compared to others, he actually feels good by “helping” others by getting involved. But from where I see it, his life is pretty bland without the drama of other people. And that may also be why drama-filled folks are attracted to him in the first place.

So be honest folks. It’s OK to admit you like drama. Life would actually be so boring without it. You definitely shouldn’t go around causing drama, but it is OK to engage when necessary. Maybe it is best that the person who doesn’t have a chaotic life gets involved with the drama because that’s the only way a voice of reason can be heard.

Do you preferred to live drama free? Or do you preferred to bring others into your drama?

Misery Does NOT Love Company

jealous

You know that old saying, “Misery loves company”? Well, it’s not necessarily true. Sure, feeling down & out can suck and being hurt calls for comfort but that doesn’t mean I want everyone I know & love to feel the same way I do. Basically, just because I am unhappy, doesn’t mean that I want everyone else to feel the same way I do.

I had a friend who recently got into a relationship – an exclusive relationship – with a woman he’s known for a while. He seems to be very happy & in love. I’ve even asked him when he plans on proposing (I may be jumping the gun here, but neither one of them is that young so it’s only a matter of time). I’m sure by this time next year he’ll either be married or at least engaged. Every time we talk, he mentions her & all the date nights they have and how beautiful he thinks she is. No, their relationship is not perfect but he has nothing but good things to say about her. Black love is alive!

I am very happy for him, but I’m going to be honest…….sometimes it’s hard to hear about his great new relationship. It’s hard to know how much he is enjoying life now that he has found someone to share it with. On the other hand, it may be hard listening to all of his gushing but it does me good to hear about someone falling in love. It lets me know that it’s still possible to find someone at any age that you will want to spend your life with. It signifies that I shouldn’t give up on dating but instead learn how to truly be happy for others, just as I would want them to be for me.

What do you think? Is there any part of you that is NOT jealous when someone you know is happily in love & you’re not? Or does it bother you to hear them talk about it? Please share in the comments section below –

Me & My 6 Friends

friends

I was looking through my phone the other day trying to find a phone number and noticed that the same 6 numbers kept appearing on my screen. In spite of all the people I know & have ever talked to, it seemed that only 6 of them were important enough to talk to on a frequent basis. Does this mean I only have 6 friends? Out of all the people I could be calling, I only like 6 of them? Or maybe only 6 people like me enough to call me?! (I’m sure that’s not it though. Lol) Whatever the case may be, if someone got ahold of my phone & looked at my incoming/outgoing calls, they would surely think that I only had 6 friends.

I know that as we get older, it gets harder & harder to maintain friendships, let alone make new ones. While I’ve always been a pretty friendly person, it doesn’t mean that I always want to talk to everyone I know all of the time. Sure, it’s nice to switch it up and talk to different people some of the time but for the most part I think we all choose to talk mainly with those in our inner circle, whether that be 1 person, 2 people or even more! I am fortunate to have a few good people that I can call on at pretty much any hour of the day (literally, ANY hour) to vent, to laugh with or even cry with. And even when those 6 people aren’t available, I still have an outer circle of friends to talk with.

The funny thing about my “6 friends” is that they aren’t the same 6 that I talked to all the time last year. Things always change & life happens. With that said, people’s schedules change and their priorities shift. It’s not that my friendship means any less to them or theirs to me, it’s just that the person I may have “leaned on” last year may not be willing to or even the right person to “lean on” again this year. Or maybe the insight I gained from 1 dear friend last year has inspired me to pass on that insight to another dear friend this year. Perhaps we are going thru similar situations now, but weren’t before. For all these reasons & more, it’s easy to see why my close circle isn’t so big anymore.

How many people are in your inner circle?! Do you have a handful of good friends or just 1 or 2? Do you wish you had more or are you comfortable with the amount of people that you trust & talk to all the time? Please share in the comments section below –

How Will You Accomplish Your Dreams?!

dreams

‘…Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty(Zechariah 4:6)

Are you facing a situation that seems impossible? Have you been fighting a battle for a long time? The key is: don’t go around talking about how big the problem is. Don’t go around confessing that you’re never going to make it. No, start declaring, “The gracious hand of God is upon my life!” When you realize God’s hand of favor is upon you, you will accomplish your dreams faster than you thought!

When those thoughts of doubt come, declare the truth of God’s Word! “How are you going to get out of debt?” “The gracious hand of God is upon my life.” “How are you going to get well?” “The gracious hand of God is upon my life.” “How are you going to break that addiction?” “The gracious hand of God.” “How are you going to accomplish your dreams?” “The gracious hand of God!”

The more you brag on God’s favor, the more you declare and believe His promises, the more you’ll see His favor. As you keep standing in faith, as You keep hoping in Him, you’ll see His promises manifest in your life. You’ll experience His favor and victory and see every dream and desire come to pass!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY

Father God, thank You for placing Your dreams and desires within me and for creating a plan to bring them to pass. Even when I can’t see a way, I trust that You are making a way. You are good, and today I declare that Your gracious hand is upon every area of my life in Jesus’ name! Amen.

— Joel & Victoria Osteen

What Being A BFF Means In Your 30’s

BFF

Everybody knows relationships change over time. But I didn’t anticipate my BFF friendships to evolve so significantly as we moved from our 20s to our 30s. It might just be me or it might be something more universally experienced—either way, I felt something shift.

Perhaps the biggest change is the amount of time we spend together. In my early twenties, all we had was time. Whether they lived in another state or just down the road, we saw each other constantly. And we’d take trips together: Vegas, LA, Miami, AC, Newport, Dewey, Richmond. We used any excuse to hang: birthdays, job promotions, new boyfriends, it being Thursday.

My high school BFFs and I did beach trips. We’d talk for hours and hours. We’d discuss work, the future, guys, the good ole days of high school. We’d laugh about life and sometimes we’d cry about it too.

I’d meet my college BFFs in NYC or Baltimore and catch up over cocktails. We’d sneak out back for an obligatory I-only-smoke-when-we’re-together cigarette. I’d bitch about work or my boyfriend and they’d do the same. We’d laugh and laugh and laugh. Then we’d borrow each other’s flatirons, put on our shortest-yet-still-tasteful skirts and hit the bars. Usually an obscene amount of dancing would occur.

As I navigated my 20s, I was lucky enough to snag a few more BFFs. Some I met at various jobs, others while living in new cities. We’d meet for happy hours or days at the beach or go camping for the weekend. We’d talk about writing, turning 30, and whether our boyfriends were ever going to propose. (They did.)

As 30 approached, we all started getting married and having kids. Some sooner, some later. Some marriages faltered and some are still thriving. Everyone’s children are gorgeous.

Now I see most of my BFFs once a year. I can’t blame the fact that I live abroad; even when I was one state away, getting together was difficult. (I saw one of my favorite people in the world three times in one year – and she only lived ten minutes away!) Lives are more complicated. Children get sick and weekend trips are canceled. Parents fall ill and summer getaways take a back seat. We’ve traded cocktails on the beach for mimosas at baby showers.

When I call a BFF crying in the middle of the night, it’s not because some guy hasn’t called me back.

It’s because I’m wondering if I’ll ever get my son potty trained. We worry about our kid’s schools or whether we’ll ever get our careers back on track. We no longer dance on tables together. Instead we dance around our kitchens trying to get our three-year-olds to laugh.

Our phone calls are rare and brief – usually under five minutes – but it’s my favorite five minutes of the day. I Skyped with a BFF for two minutes a couple weeks ago and I’m still smiling from it. Sometimes we’ll go a month without contact—but no one gets mad or hurt. It just makes the random texts and phone calls even sweeter. And, we stalk each other on Facebook, of course, so it’s not like we’re completely cut off.

So while I may not see or talk to my BFFs nearly as much as I did when I was younger, I still very much feel their presence in my life. No matter how long it’s been since our last conversation, it always feels like no time has passed. And the time we spend together is richer, more meaningful. Not because we’re older, but because it’s so infrequent and we want to soak it up. And also because we still sneak cigarettes. (Please don’t tell our kids.)

BFF 2

*Originally published on Hello Giggles.

5 Things No Single Woman Wants To Hear

We know you mean well and you’re just trying to make us feel better, but there are some things single women just wish they didn’t have to hear.

Stop saying things like…


1. “Why are you still single?”

There’s no good answer to this question. Why am I single? I don’t know. Maybe… Because I just am? I’m not being sarcastic, it’s just that I honestly don’t know what to say.

Are you asking me to tell you a deep, hidden flaw that drives men away when they get to know me well enough? Are you asking me to retrace my steps through past relationships and find the mistake I made that thwarted a walk down the aisle? Or are you asking me this question because you think I’ve never asked it of myself?

I know you probably mean this question as a compliment — you’re trying to tell me I’m attractive or kind or have some other quality that’s appealing, but if that’s the case, just tell me I’m pretty or I’m kind or, really, anything else.

Just affirm me for what you see instead of interrogating me about why a man didn’t see it, too.

2. “He’s missing out.”
I’m 36 and single, which means I’ve dated (and, unfortunately, broken up with) a number of men. After each breakup, many, many people have told me that the person I broke up with is missing out.

This sentence has never made me feel better. Not even for a single second. I always want to say, “I don’t care if he’s missing out. I’m missing out right now.”

Even if the other person made a mistake or took me for granted or wasn’t long-term relationship material, and even if I’ll be better off without him in the long run, for now, I’m the one who no longer has a plus-one for the wedding next month or a date to the symphony or a vacation buddy or a dinner partner or someone to have intimate conversations with.

I’m the one who’s missing out.

3. “Your biological clock must be ticking.”
For the love of everything holy. I am neither a clock nor a time bomb. How could you possibly know how strong my desire to procreate is, and why is it any of your business?

I am not ticking, but I am definitely ticked.

4. “You’re too picky.”
This usually comes from people who don’t know me well at all, have no idea what I’m looking for in a potential marriage partner and have never met anyone I’ve dated.

The fact that two people are both single do not make them perfect for each other. There are lots of other variables that factor into the equation.

Let me just say this: If I turn down a man who lives in his grandma’s basement, smells like rotting garlic, hasn’t shaved since President Obama won his first election, has fingernails longer than mine have ever been, can’t hold down a job for more than a month and thinks that speaking Klingon makes him bilingual, that’s not being “picky” any more than you saying you’re hungry and then refusing to eat a moldy cheese sandwich is.

5. “You’ve gotta get out there more.”
I have attended college, two grad schools, church, conferences, blind dates, speed-dating events and singles mixers. I’ve signed up for several online dating sites. I went on more first dates last year than most people will go on in a lifetime.

Please don’t imply (or explicitly state) that the reason I’m single is because I’m not trying hard enough.

Plus, research has shown that 63 percent of married couples meet through mutual friends. Not at bars or coffee shops or on dating sites or wherever else it is you think that single people cross paths.

The majority of couples meet because their friends introduce them to each other. So I’m not single because I’m lazy; I’m probably single because of you. It would be more helpful to us single women if, instead of telling us to get out there, you’d host a cocktail hour or a game night or a dinner party and introduce us to some eligible bachelors you know.

And on a personal note, if you’re a friend of mine, I’d just like to say… Seriously, why are you still here? A full 63 percent of my future happiness is resting squarely on your shoulders. So stop reading this, call all the single men you know and hook a sister up.

HuffPo_Dating

*Originally published on Huffington Post.