Tag: Dating

Someone Is Going To Like THE HECK Out Of You!

It’s tough being single. They say marriage is hard work, but it’s almost like those married people forgot what it’s like to be single (and I’m sure they wouldn’t want to trade places in a million years). As a single woman who wants to be married, it’s easy to get discouraged when time continues to pass & you still haven’t met the man of your dreams.  Waiting for “Mr. Right” can be difficult and even though dating can be fun, it can get old really fast.

“Why doesn’t anyone like me?”

“When am I gonna meet someone special?”

“Is there something wrong with me?”

These are all typical thoughts of a single woman who can’t figure out why she’s not married yet. It can cause you to spiral out of control mentally & really question yourself and what you have to offer.

Fortunately, I try not to let this get me down. I know that when the time is right I will meet the right person. The same goes for anyone who is looking for that “special someone”. There is nothing wrong with you (everyone has issues – EVERYONE), it just may not be your time yet. Some people meet the love of their life younger, some older. Some people have tons of dates, some hit it off right away with one of the first people they go out with. I say all of this to say that THERE IS SOMEONE WHO WILL APPRECIATE YOU!

Continue to be yourself. Continue to do you. There are taller people, shorter people, less attractive, very attractive, smart, not-so-smart, educated, not educated, successful, not-so-successful women who get men every day. You don’t have to be anyone *special* to attract a good man. You just have to be you. Single men say they have a difficult time finding good women (although I’m sure it’s not nearly as hard as it is for us single women) so when they meet a good woman, they can be just as excited as we are to have found someone great. So don’t be discouraged….someone is looking for YOU!!

So ladies, it’s important to remember that even if you don’t have that special someone in your life right now, that doesn’t mean they’re not ON THEIR WAY.

He Is ‘Uncallable’!

I love a good conversation! A really good conversation can go a long way with me, but unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of men who can really hold my attention over the phone (in person is a completely different story). A lot of conversations I have are rote so it’s difficult to get excited about talking to someone over the phone when I know that it will probably be a boring conversation. On the rare occasion that someone can actually hold my attention, I relish in the opportunity to talk to them.

But, there are some men that are not worth talking to, not because they’re bad, but because they’re just “uncallable” –

A guy who is boring – there is nothing worse than trying to hold a phone conversation with someone who is B-O-R-I-N-G. Someone who doesn’t have an opinion about anything, doesn’t ask me questions back, or doesn’t have a life outside of work so he has nothing to contribute to the conversation.

He only talks about himself – arrogance is not an attractive quality on a man. What’s the point of calling someone if you don’t want to talk with them? Even people with a very interesting life realize the importance of sharing & that they are not the only ones with something to say!

He talks too dang much! – It’s good that you like to talk but know your limit! Over-talking can mean one of three things: 1) you share too much of your business which means eventually you could be sharing too much of my business or 2) you don’t have enough friends so I’m the only person you have to talk to, or 3) when you talk too much at some point, I’ll start to lose interest in the conversation. We wouldn’t that, now would we?!

If you fall into one of these categories, then you are automatically “uncallable” to me. I’m not saying I won’t pick up the phone when you call but don’t hold your breath waiting for me to call you.

Dating: The Hardest Part About Being Single

  1. Share what’s on your heart, then receive what’s in theirs.
  2. All forgiveness does is accept the person for who they are and release them from the judgment of who we think they should be.
  3. Right, wrong, real or imagined people cheat for reasons that are true and rational to them even if their reasons are factually or morally flawed.
  4. Without context an affair is nothing more than an act committed by two consenting adults who happen to be married to other people.
  5. People don’t step outside the marriage to cheat, they do it inside the marriage.
  6. Both parties need to own up to the pre-cheating that takes place in their relationship before the affair.
  7. The only thing more pathetic than a bitter woman in her 30s is one in her 40s.
  8. The inability to maintain one’s self-respect in a relationship can make one ‘lost’.
  9. People get distracted in ways that either prolong or hinder their recovery process after a breakup.
  10. Limit the opportunities for the unnecessary escalation of drama and hostility.
  11. Adopt an attitude that promotes authentic expression from a place of personal dignity.
  12. Forgiveness benefits the person who is doing the forgiving the most.
  13. Managing things & people rather than feelings are NOT what foster intimacy.
  14. Forgiveness and mercy play a vital role in the recovery process.
  15. The goal is to take the focus off the things we THINK should have happened or NEED TO happen and put the focus on WHAT IS happening.
  16. Those stuck in grievance tend to stay in conflict.
  17. When we practice forgiveness and mercy it helps us make the transition from ‘posturing’ to ‘partnership’.
  18. Forgiveness addresses the evil intent we create when we turn someone else’s behavior into a story that tries to explain their intent.
  19. To fully forgive someone you must come to terms with the personality & character of them not just their behavior.
  20. Holding someone up to standards they can’t keep is unloving.
  21. Forgiveness does not release a person from their responsibilities it just gives them more opportunities.
  22. You must create a level playing field and take the frustration of unrealistic expectations & the shame of judgment out of your relationship.
  23. Forgiveness takes place when you can acknowledge each other’s strengths & weaknesses w/out all the judgmental blaming that causes you to compete for the moral high ground.
  24. It’s not the presence of conflict that escalates or deescalates a situation, it’s the absence of honor.
  25. Honor is the foundation every stable relationship rests on.

The Science Of Attraction

When you experience those initial feelings of attraction, it can knock you off your feet. More often than not, those first feelings you experience for someone you’re attracted to seem inexplicable and maybe even nonsensical.

The truth is, attraction isn’t random. Science can explain a lot of why we feel what we feel for a person who catches our eye.

As it turns out, even when they aren’t aware of it, many men are looking for certain things in the women they get romantically involved with.

He may think he is simply on the hunt for his next date, but thanks to evolution, he is also subconsciously looking for a partner for his role in the survival of the human race.

This innate drive to recreate can explain these nine things men are hardwired to look for in a potential love interest.

1. It’s in her hips.

Even though an argument could probably be made that most men aren’t thinking about their future as a father when they ask someone out on a date, they seem to be biologically predisposed to be attracted to women who have a certain body shape associated with fertility.

2. It’s all about symmetry.

Although you probably learned all about it in art class or geometry, men’s biology seems to be fixated on symmetry. Symmetry is the idea that—when divided in half—each side of an object, person, or image mirrors the other.

Of course, men aren’t simply attracted to any symmetry they see. We are all specifically wired to look for this characteristic in other human beings and use it a subconscious tool for rating attractiveness, according to the journal Symmetry.

There are a few different theories about why this in the case. Some researchers think symmetry is believed to be an indication of overall health.

There are others who believe that because symmetrical images are easier to process visually, our brain is wired to show preference for this characteristic.

3. Let your hair down.

If you have ever suspected that men prefer women with longer hair, you were totally onto something.

The way a woman wears her hair does influence how the opposite sex sees her, according to a 2004 study in the journal Human Nature. This survey found that women with longer hair were rated by male participants as appearing healthier and more attractive.

Admittedly, hairstyle seems to have a very small influence on the attractiveness of women. In fact, if a woman was already viewed as attractive, her hair length didn’t really influence how men viewed her in a study by the Scandinavian Journal of Psychology.

It was women who were rated as plain who were deemed more attractive when shown with long hair.

4. Throw on some red lipstick.

Women have long painted their lips red or added blush to their cheeks to make themselves more attractive to men, but it wasn’t until 2008 that we got an understanding of why men seem to prefer the color red.

It was women who were rated as plain who were deemed more attractive when shown with long hair.

4. Throw on some red lipstick.

Women have long painted their lips red or added blush to their cheeks to make themselves more attractive to men, but it wasn’t until 2008 that we got an understanding of why men seem to prefer the color red.

Additionally, the same attraction was observed when men were presented with pictures of women wearing red lipstick or a red shirt.

5. The Way You Smell

As bizarre as this may sound, men may be attracted to you because of the way you smell. Even though a lot of people know that pheromones are a hormone with a very specific scent, the science behind the attraction isn’t common knowledge.

Research has found that a woman’s cycle directly influences the pheromones she emits. Depending on where you are in your cycle, men may find you more attractive simply because of the smell of the pheromones you are giving off.

6. Bright and Healthy Eyes

When you ask any man what he finds attractive about a woman, it is almost expected for him to comment on her eyes.

There is a real reason we place so much emphasis on the eyes people we’re attracted to, and it isn’t because the eyes are the window to the soul.

Men are more attracted to women with clear, bright eyes, according to The Harvard Brain. It isn’t necessarily about color, either. It is the overall brightness of the entire eye that matters. This is believed to be all about evolution, since bright eyes are viewed as healthier, whereas dull or dry eyes are associated with aging.

7. Those Luscious Lips

As silly as it may sound, all those teenagers posting duckface selfies on social media might be onto something, since fuller lips are seen as an attractive trait on women.

We already know the color of a woman’s lip matters, but that isn’t the only thing that men are looking for in the mouths of a potential love interest.

One Manchester University study found that after meeting a new woman, men spend about half of the interaction looking at their lips. And when it came to the attractiveness of the women they met, men rated women with fuller lips as more attractive.

The science behind this attraction follows the theme we have been seeing so far—men are attracted to the appearance of health, and full lips are viewed as a physical characteristic of a healthy woman.

8. You sound good to me.

It isn’t all about the way you look. A man’s ears also play a role in determining just how attracted he is to a woman. Just like with males, females’ voices change as they age.

As their estrogen levels decrease, their tone lowers and deepens. Men are more attracted to women with a higher tone to their voice, according to Smithsonian Magazine. This preference is all about youth, because younger women tend to have higher-pitched voices, and the perception is that a younger woman is healthier (and likely more fertile).

Of course, don’t be too quick to assume the importance of each of the physical characteristics and the role they play in a romantic relationship. The way you look, smell, and sound is just one piece of the puzzle.

 

*Originally published on Healthy Way.

Men, Where’s Your Sense Of Urgency?!

lazy-dating

If a guy asks a girl out, I would like to think that means he’s into her. But when he doesn’t follow up that ask with an action (like actually taking her out) then that leaves the question, is he really all that interested?

There’s a guy who I met a few months ago who asked me for my number and has been calling me pretty regularly ever since. He’s done a good job of staying in touch over the phone but we haven’t gone out since the day we met. He works long hours so he’s very busy, not to mention we live a pretty long distance apart. Days turn into weeks, weeks have turned into months and here we are in a new year and still there’s been no date set.

He has talked about taking me out. Lunch or dinner, he’s always telling me we should “hang out”, but never actually sets a date. Whenever we do talk about actually getting together he always laughs and says that he “owes me a lunch” but never actually follows it up by making plans. And since I’m not one to chase a man, I let it slide.

He’s nice & all but I don’t even know if I’m interested in him. We have good conversation (which is pretty hard to come by) but I’m not sure if I see a future with him. Of course it would help if we actually went out on a first date, right?! I’m certainly not going to press the issue, after all, he was the one that approached me, asked me for my phone number, called me up, and even asked me out. He just hasn’t followed it up yet. But if he really wanted to take me out, he would’ve done it by now right?

All of this leads me to wonder, why are men so slow when it comes to the dating process? If they meet someone they’re interested in, wouldn’t they ask them out quickly and then actually follow that through with a real date? Why risk her losing interest, or being put in the friend zone? I know that’s what I do – if I have a great conversation with a guy who says he likes me but never actually takes me out, he gets “friend-zoned”.

I’m sure he’s busy, but I’m busy too. When a man wants a woman he makes time for her. And he makes time sooner rather than later to spend with her. I certainly can’t think that a man is interested in me if he keeps talking about going out but never actually makes plans with me.

Men, dating shouldn’t be this confusing. If you’ve met a woman and you like her and ask her out then ACTUALLY take her out! So unless you just want another female friend on your roster, you’re going to lose our interest if you don’t ask us out on that first date.

Guys, what stops you from planning a date with us when you are the ones who asked for our number?

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Either You Like Me Or You Don’t……Right?!

like-2

They say that men are more logical and women are more emotional. Sometimes this can cloud our judgement (for both men & women) depending on the circumstances. A man can arrive at a very logical conclusion without context, making their decision more objective but perhaps cold & even unfair at times. Similarly, a woman can add too many of her personal feelings into the equation, making her decision irrational & biased. When it comes to dating & relationships, this can backfire in a woman’s face even when she tries not to get too emotionally attached.

Personally, I try not to get too emotional over a man until I know his true feelings for me. Unfortunately, people do lie so it’s not always easy to find out whether or not a guy is telling the truth about his feelings. However, a man’s actions should back up his words. If a man tells me he likes me & sees a future with me (and even talks about planning a future with me), I would like to take him at his word. But when a man lies to me, there’s only so much I can find out. Women tend to go off of their gut feelings and deduce when they can’t. This is not full-proof, of course, but if a man doesn’t follow up on his words, what is a woman supposed to think?

Take, for instance, a guy who has declared an interest in me but his actions aren’t consistently following suit. He’s saying all the right things, making me laugh and even doing things that cause me to think about him when he’s not around. Early on he called multiple times a day & I seemed to be a priority. He led me to believe that his intentions were what he said they were – to pursue a relationship leading to marriage. But within several months, the phone calls slowed down. Not just a little, but a lot. The conversation still flowed easily & was full of substance (he was still telling me that he liked me & was looking forward to a future with me), he just started calling less. When I asked him about it, he claimed he hadn’t noticed the difference in his call pattern. But how can a man not notice when he’s calling a woman he says he likes less & less? Of course, the excuse of “I’m not really a phone person” was his response but, if he didn’t have a problem calling me more frequently in the beginning then why all of sudden now? And because I’m not the kind of woman who chases a man I certainly wasn’t going to pick up his slack by calling him even more. As a matter of fact, I took a step back (and even told him I was doing so) to see if he was going to “step it up” or if he was going to let things stay status quo.

I must say that although the phone calls started to fall off, he was still making plans to be with me. Trips, birthdays, etc. were always a topic of conversation (when he did call). This baffled me. As a woman, my emotions told me that he was still interested in me – after all, why continue to call me? Why did he need to “pretend” that he wanted to spend time with me (withstanding a sexual relationship, mind you) if he really didn’t mean it? What does he have to gain by feeding me empty words (again, especially with no sex involved)? Did he think I was going to “give it up” if he kept telling me things he thought I wanted to hear? Was that his way of “wearing me down”? I know that as a man, he always has other options but why waste time pursuing me when he could just move on & be with someone else? He must like me, right?!

But that’s the way I thought of things – through the lens of a woman (of course). But since we know that men think differently than women, I figured I better try to think of this situation through a man’s eyes. And any guy will tell you that if a man is interested, it will show. This means phone calls, dates, cards, gifts, etc., you name it; if a man wants to assure a woman that he’s into her, he will do whatever it takes. So logically speaking, if a man isn’t doing all of these things, that should be enough to tell me that he’s not into me, right?!

I know that that may sound like the only logical conclusion but as a woman, I stuck by my emotions. “Why else would he talk about future plans with me unless he was really interested?” That sounds logical, right?! But if he’s really interested in me, why isn’t he calling me like he used to? That sounds logical too, right?! As a woman, this can all get very confusing. If I’ve already told him how I feel, do I still take his phone calls? Should I have an attitude when he does call because I’m mad that he’s calling less even though he’s telling me he’s still into me? Or should I play it cool so that he doesn’t know it bothers me?

I guess at the end of the day, if a man is into me I shouldn’t have to question it. It’s easy to walk away, I just wish I knew why men do what they do.

Men, We Love It When You….

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  1. Have confidence this is what we call “swag”, so turn it up!
  2. Being thoughtfuleveryone wants to know they are being thought of.
  3. Are interesting no one wants to date someone who is boring. The more interesting you are, the more interested we’ll in you.
  4. Buys us gifts It’s nice to have a man treat us to little presents every now & then so we can show off what great taste you have
  5. Compliment uswhat woman doesn’t like a few good compliments? Women like, no need, to be complimented regularly. The whole reason we dress the way we dress is to impress you, so it really makes us feel good when you acknowledge our efforts.
  6. Have an impressive vocabulary I like a smart intelligent man. A large vocabulary is typically representative of a man who reads a lot, which is a great turn on for a lot of women.
  7. Make us laugh who doesn’t love a good laugh? When we are stressed, a hearty laugh may be just what we need.
  8. Are a good dancer even if we don’t go dancing often, it’s nice to know that a man has skillz on the dance floor.
  9. Get along with our friendsit is very important when you get along with the people we love the most. Studies show that what our friends & family think of you plays an integral part in how much we like, and even how the relationships progresses. So don’t just impress us, “impress” them too!
  10. Are a good conversationalista good scintillating conversation goes a long way with me! I love a man who can hold my attention with his words. When we are old & gray, this is all we’ll have anyway!
  11. Put effort into our dates one of the best ways to capture a woman’s attention is to put some planning into the date you take her on. Men can lose some serious points if there’s not some obvious thought put into the date you asked to take us on.
  12. Have some bite having “bite” is a bit like having “swag”. Sometimes it’s just not enough for a man to have confidence; he has to be able to back it up with his actions.
  13. Cookwhile this is not mandatory, it is nice to date a man who knows his way around the kitchen.
  14. Remember what we say & ask us about it later the best way to tell if someone is truly listening to me is based on whether or not they can recall the information later. If a woman tells her man about a big project at work then it would be nice if he follows up by asking how the project is coming along. Don’t just listen, listen actively.
  15. Don’t text us too much I’ve talked about this before. I hate it when a grown man texts me too much; it’s juvenile. The only typing a man should be doing on his phone is entering my phone number to call me. I prefer a talker, not a texter.

He May Not Know How To Skate, But That Doesn’t Mean He’s Not On Thin Ice

thin-ice

There comes a point in every relationship or dating situation when a woman knows that it’s over. Whether it’s his fault or hers, there comes a point when she knows she’s not interested anymore. So, it’s only a matter of time before she breaks things off with the guy that she seeing.

Personally, I was seeing a guy & in the beginning, everything was great. He called often, texted on occasion & we spent quality time together. But for some reason, things started to taper off. I believe in communicating my expectations with the person I’m dating so I told him that if he was truly interested in me he needed to step things up. If he wasn’t interested in me, there would be no hard feelings but there really wasn’t any point in wasting my time or his. He claimed that he understood and that he would do better because he wanted to continue to see me. I felt comforted by his words and even more comforted when the phone calls started to pick up after this conversation.

But it was only a matter of weeks before he went back to his usual non-calling self. The phone calls became infrequent again but now even the text messages weren’t enough to hold my interest. I believe in giving a man a chance but if he has been made aware that there’s a problem and chooses not to correct it then my problem becomes our problem. And our problem can lead to our break up.

Not too long ago he sent me a picture of him dressed in a suit. And anyone who knows me knows that I am a sucker for an African American man in a suit. He looked really good but I didn’t know how to respond. I hadn’t heard from him in nearly a week and now all of a sudden I get a random photo? Well this may not seem like a big deal (and it really isn’t), but I knew the writing was on the wall: I was no longer a priority of his.

Of course, this didn’t sit well with me because I really liked this guy and I thought things with him would actually take off. But now that I have confirmed that he’s just not that into me, I have a decision to make. I either need to just keep hanging on or let him go and move on with my life.

The funny thing is he doesn’t even realize that he’s skating on thin ice. He probably thinks everything is okay between us because he just sent me a fine looking photo and what woman wouldn’t want that? But I need more than just an occasional picture, call or text message to feel special. Little does he know that he will soon be crossed off my list of potential suitors to make way for men who actually want to date me. If he doesn’t get it together & start showing me more attention, he is at risk of me dropping him altogether.

A man should never be a priority in my life when I am not 1 in his.

Do You Have Any Friends That Could Be Lovers? (Pt. 2)

friend-zone

I recently wrote about guys who have been “friend zoned”. It’s not because they’re not nice guys, unattractive or disinterested in marriage – instead these men have been friend zoned because they are just not my type.

Some of these men are really good guys (and why wouldn’t they be if they were my friends), but does that mean they would be good “lovers”? Perhaps there should be more to our friendship than just being friendly. Would any of my guy friends make good boyfriends?

Here are some more of my guy friends with reasons why they just didn’t make the cut. (And of course, I didn’t use their real names):

  1. Chucky – Chucky is my kinda guy. He’s tall, attractive, fun-to-be-around and is quite intelligent. The only problem with him is that he is not interested in marriage. As he likes to put it, “Been there, done that.” As a 1-time divorcee he did not have a good experience. His was married for about a decade and things ended somewhat badly. So while Chucky is marriage material, he is not marriage-minded.
  2. Ray – Ray is a workaholic. He works for a high-ranking public official & has to pull long hours a lot. He does have some down time, but that is mainly used for resting and spending time with his own family so he doesn’t have a lot of time for dating or intimacy. There would be no consistency with him & I can already see myself putting in as much work into our relationship as he puts into his job.
  3. Marcus – Marcus has got baggage. A lot of baggage. There’s no other way to put it. He’s got kids, baby mama’s, child support plus a divorce under his belt and he is no way interested in doing any of that all over again. Although he indicated that he might be willing to settle down again, he already has so much on his plate that I don’t see a future between us.
  4. Leonard – Leonard is a great guy but has zero personality. He’s a got a good heart & will make a great husband one day to some lucky woman but he certainly doesn’t have enough personality to hold my interest. He’s nice to have as a friend but he’s borderline “boring” to me and not nearly as cultured or exciting as I would like. I know that life will bring enough excitement so I’m not looking for a guy who’s totally “out there”, but I do need someone who is interesting enough so that I’m not tempted to get that elsewhere.
  5. John – John is a straight player. He’s got a good job, a nice car, a charming personality & no drama (that I know of). He’s tall, pretty good looking and everyone likes him. He’s a fun person and loves being around people. When I first met him, I thought he had a genuine interest in me only to find out that he was also genuinely interested in lots of other women too (much to my chagrin!). So while he may be a good guy to date, he certainly wouldn’t be a good guy to marry.

Do you have any friends who can be more than just friends?! How can you be so sure that they would make a better boyfriend than friend?