Tag: Dating

Sex Doesn’t Produce Intimacy, Otherwise Prostitutes Would Be Out Of Business.

When Cindy met Rob, she knew that even though he attended church, he didn’t share her convictions about premarital sex. Rob thought it was OK—and even good for dating couples to engage in—and Cindy believed it was wrong from a Christian perspective.

As their friendship progressed, Cindy and Rob’s opposing viewpoints caused some hot debates. It also forced them both to take a second look at their convictions. As a result, Cindy developed a deeper understanding of truth, and Rob was forced to face the lies he’d always believed.

If you’re like Cindy or Rob, and you’ve taken a stand for (or against) premarital sex, but you’re not sure why, here are some things to consider.

Scripture is Outdated, Right?

Like many singles, Rob thinks the Scriptures on sexual purity are outdated and archaic. “Those parts of the Bible aren’t relevant to today,” he told Cindy. “After all, when the Scriptures were written, the people during that time got married when they were teens; so they didn’t have to struggle with sexual temptation like we do now.”

In response to Rob’s argument, Cindy found Scriptures about sexual purity and showed them to him. When Cindy read 1 Corinthians 6:9, 2 Corinthians 12:21, Galatians 5:19, Hebrews 13:4 and Deuteronomy 22:13-28, all which condemn sex before marriage, she asked Rob, “Are these Scriptures relevant to today?” “Nope,” Rob responded.

“Do you have a pair of scissors?” Cindy asked.

“Why?

“Because I think we should cut those Scriptures out. After all, if they’re not true because people can’t control their desires, why not completely eliminate them? After all, we can just pick and choose the parts of Scripture that we want to believe on sexual purity, right? Give me your scissors,” she said.

“You’re crazy,” Rob responded.

Crazy or not, Cindy had made her point—there are holes in Rob’s it’s-not-true-because-people-can’t-control-their-desires theology. Why? Because, if his beliefs were based on truth, they would stand up in every circumstance, but they don’t.

For example, if sex before marriage is okay because people supposedly can’t control themselves, then it must be okay to engage in pornography, too, right? After all, the temptation to watch and participate in porn abounds like it didn’t in Bible times.

Not surprisingly, when Cindy asked Rob if it was OK to engage in pornography, his theology changed. “Pornography isn’t okay because it’s damaging to the people who are doing it, and it’s not very Christian.”

Why does Rob have a schizophrenic view of purity and of the Bible’s commandments?

Additionally, if scriptures in the Bible became untrue because people can’t control their desires, then we’d also have to cut out the commandments on stealing, lying, cheating and having affairs.

Sure enough, there are holes in Rob’s sex-before-marriage theology, just like there would be holes in his Bible if Cindy cut it up.

Doesn’t Sex Produce Intimacy?

During their discussions about premarital sex, Rob insisted that it was good to engage in sex with a dating partner because “it brings you closer.”

Cindy believes that this is true, and not true. On one hand, the Bible says that sex causes “two people to become one.” Therefore, it’s more than just a physical act, it’s also a spiritual encounter (Mark 10:6-9).

Additionally, Dr. Patricia Love, the author of The Truth About Love, writes that a feeling of intimacy is created by a “chemical cocktail” that is produced in the brain during sex and stays with each person for up to 24 hours after intercourse. Perhaps this physiological bonding is what Rob was referring to.

On the flip side, having sex is no guarantee that the deep emotional intimacy that everyone longs for will develop.

Alice Fryling, in an article titled, “Why Wait for Sex?” writes:

“Genital sex is an expression of intimacy, not the means to intimacy. True intimacy springs from verbal and emotional communion. True intimacy is built on a commitment to honesty, love and freedom. True intimacy is not primarily a sexual encounter. Intimacy, in fact, has almost nothing to do with our sex organs. A prostitute may expose her body, but her relationships are hardly intimate.”

Some experts even report that premarital sex short circuits the emotional bonding process. Donald Joy, a writer for Christianity Today, cited a study of 100,000 women that linked “early sexual experience with dissatisfaction in their present marriages, unhappiness with the level of sexual intimacy and the prevalence of low self-esteem.”

So what does this mean? If Rob tries to convince Cindy, or any woman, that sex will actually help their relationship, she might want to think again before consenting. While premarital sex does produce a short-lived chemical cocktail in the brain, there is no guarantee that it will produce long-term emotional closeness or relational satisfaction.

Can’t Sex Help You Determine Compatibility?

Rob told Cindy he felt it was unreasonable to expect him to abstain from sex before marriage because no one would buy a car without test driving it; so he couldn’t imagine committing to marriage without taking a “sex test drive.”

When Cindy suggested to Rob that his “test drive” mentality could lead him to compare his wife’s sexual performance with his other partners, he denied it. “No, I wouldn’t,” he adamantly said.

However, his logic is faulty. Here’s why: If it was true that Rob wouldn’t struggle with comparison, why would he need to “test drive” anything? After all, if he’d never had multiple partners, he would automatically think his wife the best. For example, the man who hasn’t ever seen or driven more than one car doesn’t know what other cars are like; therefore he would be satisfied with his automobile.

Partners can also feel threatened if they think their mate could be comparing them with previous partners.

When Cindy randomly asked 10 women at work if they would be worried that their husband was comparing them if he’d had intercourse with multiple women before marriage, 80 percent of them said yes.

This provides a strong argument to abstain from sex before marriage to protect the emotional safety that your spouse will need to feel in marriage.

Hope and Restoration After Premarital Sex

Perhaps you’re asking, “What if, like Rob, I’m guilty of sexual sin?”

The first thing to remember is that no sexual sin is beyond God’s forgiveness. Thankfully, He doesn’t withhold forgiveness or grace from those who ask for it.
1 John 1:9 promises that if you confess your sins, that He is faithful to forgive and to cleanse you from all unrighteousness. Note: This includes all sin, and does not exclude sexual sin. Psalm 103: 12 also promises, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions [sins] from us.”

In addition to forgiveness, God wants you to embrace His grace that will help you move forward in life and embrace the promises He has for you with joy. In spite of your choices, God wants to bring you relational fulfillment.

*Originally published on Focus on the Family.

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Is Changing A Man Such A Bad Thing?

I know, I know. I’m not supposed to get into a relationship with the expectation of changing the person I’m with. However, as a woman, it is instinctual to see potential in someone and want to help them reach their fullest potential. So as a “helpmeet” (check the Bible if you don’t know what that word means), I desire for the man I’m with to be better off with me than he is without me. And sometimes, this requires change.

Let’s face it – if someone you care about is operating at 70% but they really could be operating at 100%, wouldn’t you want to help them get to that 100%? I would! And to help them go from 70% to 100%, they either need to do something differently or completely change their behavior. It could be re-evaluating the way they do certain things or listening to some genuine feedback that may help them get to where they wanna go. And if the way he has handled things in the past hasn’t worked out for him, then perhaps I can introduce a new way of doing things. That’s not such a bad idea, is it?!

This happened to me not too long ago – a guy I know in his mid-40s had a situation with one of his friends and instead of talking it out (and don’t tell me that only women talk things out), he simply went OFF on his friend. Here was the situation: His friend owed him money and had yet to pay him, so he felt like he was being taken advantage of. Even though he didn’t *need* the loaned-out money, I could tell in his voice that he was outraged. But I asked him, “Before you loaned him the money, did you give him a deadline?” Of course, his answer was no. He hadn’t taken into account the fact that he failed to set any expectations of when the money was due back before going off on his friend. He expected his money back but gave him no timeframe. How does that make any sense? So, the next time he planned to help a friend out, he knew that he needed to have a conversation first & set his expectations up front.

But had I not suggested this, he more than likely would not have thought about it in this way. So in this particular instance, I tried to change his mindset & his behavior so that he would have a better outcome in the future. Is that so wrong?!

Guys, what kind of changes would you let a woman make in your life? Let me know in the comments section below –

Someone Is Going To Like THE HECK Out Of You!

It’s tough being single. They say marriage is hard work, but it’s almost like those married people forgot what it’s like to be single (and I’m sure they wouldn’t want to trade places in a million years). As a single woman who wants to be married, it’s easy to get discouraged when time continues to pass & you still haven’t met the man of your dreams.  Waiting for “Mr. Right” can be difficult and even though dating can be fun, it can get old really fast.

“Why doesn’t anyone like me?”

“When am I gonna meet someone special?”

“Is there something wrong with me?”

These are all typical thoughts of a single woman who can’t figure out why she’s not married yet. It can cause you to spiral out of control mentally & really question yourself and what you have to offer.

Fortunately, I try not to let this get me down. I know that when the time is right I will meet the right person. The same goes for anyone who is looking for that “special someone”. There is nothing wrong with you (everyone has issues – EVERYONE), it just may not be your time yet. Some people meet the love of their life younger, some older. Some people have tons of dates, some hit it off right away with one of the first people they go out with. I say all of this to say that THERE IS SOMEONE WHO WILL APPRECIATE YOU!

Continue to be yourself. Continue to do you. There are taller people, shorter people, less attractive, very attractive, smart, not-so-smart, educated, not educated, successful, not-so-successful women who get men every day. You don’t have to be anyone *special* to attract a good man. You just have to be you. Single men say they have a difficult time finding good women (although I’m sure it’s not nearly as hard as it is for us single women) so when they meet a good woman, they can be just as excited as we are to have found someone great. So don’t be discouraged….someone is looking for YOU!!

So ladies, it’s important to remember that even if you don’t have that special someone in your life right now, that doesn’t mean they’re not ON THEIR WAY.

He Is ‘Uncallable’!

I love a good conversation! A really good conversation can go a long way with me, but unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of men who can really hold my attention over the phone (in person is a completely different story). A lot of conversations I have are rote so it’s difficult to get excited about talking to someone over the phone when I know that it will probably be a boring conversation. On the rare occasion that someone can actually hold my attention, I relish in the opportunity to talk to them.

But, there are some men that are not worth talking to, not because they’re bad, but because they’re just “uncallable” –

A guy who is boring – there is nothing worse than trying to hold a phone conversation with someone who is B-O-R-I-N-G. Someone who doesn’t have an opinion about anything, doesn’t ask me questions back, or doesn’t have a life outside of work so he has nothing to contribute to the conversation.

He only talks about himself – arrogance is not an attractive quality on a man. What’s the point of calling someone if you don’t want to talk with them? Even people with a very interesting life realize the importance of sharing & that they are not the only ones with something to say!

He talks too dang much! – It’s good that you like to talk but know your limit! Over-talking can mean one of three things: 1) you share too much of your business which means eventually you could be sharing too much of my business or 2) you don’t have enough friends so I’m the only person you have to talk to, or 3) when you talk too much at some point, I’ll start to lose interest in the conversation. We wouldn’t that, now would we?!

If you fall into one of these categories, then you are automatically “uncallable” to me. I’m not saying I won’t pick up the phone when you call but don’t hold your breath waiting for me to call you.

Dating: The Hardest Part About Being Single

  1. Share what’s on your heart, then receive what’s in theirs.
  2. All forgiveness does is accept the person for who they are and release them from the judgment of who we think they should be.
  3. Right, wrong, real or imagined people cheat for reasons that are true and rational to them even if their reasons are factually or morally flawed.
  4. Without context an affair is nothing more than an act committed by two consenting adults who happen to be married to other people.
  5. People don’t step outside the marriage to cheat, they do it inside the marriage.
  6. Both parties need to own up to the pre-cheating that takes place in their relationship before the affair.
  7. The only thing more pathetic than a bitter woman in her 30s is one in her 40s.
  8. The inability to maintain one’s self-respect in a relationship can make one ‘lost’.
  9. People get distracted in ways that either prolong or hinder their recovery process after a breakup.
  10. Limit the opportunities for the unnecessary escalation of drama and hostility.
  11. Adopt an attitude that promotes authentic expression from a place of personal dignity.
  12. Forgiveness benefits the person who is doing the forgiving the most.
  13. Managing things & people rather than feelings are NOT what foster intimacy.
  14. Forgiveness and mercy play a vital role in the recovery process.
  15. The goal is to take the focus off the things we THINK should have happened or NEED TO happen and put the focus on WHAT IS happening.
  16. Those stuck in grievance tend to stay in conflict.
  17. When we practice forgiveness and mercy it helps us make the transition from ‘posturing’ to ‘partnership’.
  18. Forgiveness addresses the evil intent we create when we turn someone else’s behavior into a story that tries to explain their intent.
  19. To fully forgive someone you must come to terms with the personality & character of them not just their behavior.
  20. Holding someone up to standards they can’t keep is unloving.
  21. Forgiveness does not release a person from their responsibilities it just gives them more opportunities.
  22. You must create a level playing field and take the frustration of unrealistic expectations & the shame of judgment out of your relationship.
  23. Forgiveness takes place when you can acknowledge each other’s strengths & weaknesses w/out all the judgmental blaming that causes you to compete for the moral high ground.
  24. It’s not the presence of conflict that escalates or deescalates a situation, it’s the absence of honor.
  25. Honor is the foundation every stable relationship rests on.

The Science Of Attraction

When you experience those initial feelings of attraction, it can knock you off your feet. More often than not, those first feelings you experience for someone you’re attracted to seem inexplicable and maybe even nonsensical.

The truth is, attraction isn’t random. Science can explain a lot of why we feel what we feel for a person who catches our eye.

As it turns out, even when they aren’t aware of it, many men are looking for certain things in the women they get romantically involved with.

He may think he is simply on the hunt for his next date, but thanks to evolution, he is also subconsciously looking for a partner for his role in the survival of the human race.

This innate drive to recreate can explain these nine things men are hardwired to look for in a potential love interest.

1. It’s in her hips.

Even though an argument could probably be made that most men aren’t thinking about their future as a father when they ask someone out on a date, they seem to be biologically predisposed to be attracted to women who have a certain body shape associated with fertility.

2. It’s all about symmetry.

Although you probably learned all about it in art class or geometry, men’s biology seems to be fixated on symmetry. Symmetry is the idea that—when divided in half—each side of an object, person, or image mirrors the other.

Of course, men aren’t simply attracted to any symmetry they see. We are all specifically wired to look for this characteristic in other human beings and use it a subconscious tool for rating attractiveness, according to the journal Symmetry.

There are a few different theories about why this in the case. Some researchers think symmetry is believed to be an indication of overall health.

There are others who believe that because symmetrical images are easier to process visually, our brain is wired to show preference for this characteristic.

3. Let your hair down.

If you have ever suspected that men prefer women with longer hair, you were totally onto something.

The way a woman wears her hair does influence how the opposite sex sees her, according to a 2004 study in the journal Human Nature. This survey found that women with longer hair were rated by male participants as appearing healthier and more attractive.

Admittedly, hairstyle seems to have a very small influence on the attractiveness of women. In fact, if a woman was already viewed as attractive, her hair length didn’t really influence how men viewed her in a study by the Scandinavian Journal of Psychology.

It was women who were rated as plain who were deemed more attractive when shown with long hair.

4. Throw on some red lipstick.

Women have long painted their lips red or added blush to their cheeks to make themselves more attractive to men, but it wasn’t until 2008 that we got an understanding of why men seem to prefer the color red.

It was women who were rated as plain who were deemed more attractive when shown with long hair.

4. Throw on some red lipstick.

Women have long painted their lips red or added blush to their cheeks to make themselves more attractive to men, but it wasn’t until 2008 that we got an understanding of why men seem to prefer the color red.

Additionally, the same attraction was observed when men were presented with pictures of women wearing red lipstick or a red shirt.

5. The Way You Smell

As bizarre as this may sound, men may be attracted to you because of the way you smell. Even though a lot of people know that pheromones are a hormone with a very specific scent, the science behind the attraction isn’t common knowledge.

Research has found that a woman’s cycle directly influences the pheromones she emits. Depending on where you are in your cycle, men may find you more attractive simply because of the smell of the pheromones you are giving off.

6. Bright and Healthy Eyes

When you ask any man what he finds attractive about a woman, it is almost expected for him to comment on her eyes.

There is a real reason we place so much emphasis on the eyes people we’re attracted to, and it isn’t because the eyes are the window to the soul.

Men are more attracted to women with clear, bright eyes, according to The Harvard Brain. It isn’t necessarily about color, either. It is the overall brightness of the entire eye that matters. This is believed to be all about evolution, since bright eyes are viewed as healthier, whereas dull or dry eyes are associated with aging.

7. Those Luscious Lips

As silly as it may sound, all those teenagers posting duckface selfies on social media might be onto something, since fuller lips are seen as an attractive trait on women.

We already know the color of a woman’s lip matters, but that isn’t the only thing that men are looking for in the mouths of a potential love interest.

One Manchester University study found that after meeting a new woman, men spend about half of the interaction looking at their lips. And when it came to the attractiveness of the women they met, men rated women with fuller lips as more attractive.

The science behind this attraction follows the theme we have been seeing so far—men are attracted to the appearance of health, and full lips are viewed as a physical characteristic of a healthy woman.

8. You sound good to me.

It isn’t all about the way you look. A man’s ears also play a role in determining just how attracted he is to a woman. Just like with males, females’ voices change as they age.

As their estrogen levels decrease, their tone lowers and deepens. Men are more attracted to women with a higher tone to their voice, according to Smithsonian Magazine. This preference is all about youth, because younger women tend to have higher-pitched voices, and the perception is that a younger woman is healthier (and likely more fertile).

Of course, don’t be too quick to assume the importance of each of the physical characteristics and the role they play in a romantic relationship. The way you look, smell, and sound is just one piece of the puzzle.

 

*Originally published on Healthy Way.

Men, Where’s Your Sense Of Urgency?!

lazy-dating

If a guy asks a girl out, I would like to think that means he’s into her. But when he doesn’t follow up that ask with an action (like actually taking her out) then that leaves the question, is he really all that interested?

There’s a guy who I met a few months ago who asked me for my number and has been calling me pretty regularly ever since. He’s done a good job of staying in touch over the phone but we haven’t gone out since the day we met. He works long hours so he’s very busy, not to mention we live a pretty long distance apart. Days turn into weeks, weeks have turned into months and here we are in a new year and still there’s been no date set.

He has talked about taking me out. Lunch or dinner, he’s always telling me we should “hang out”, but never actually sets a date. Whenever we do talk about actually getting together he always laughs and says that he “owes me a lunch” but never actually follows it up by making plans. And since I’m not one to chase a man, I let it slide.

He’s nice & all but I don’t even know if I’m interested in him. We have good conversation (which is pretty hard to come by) but I’m not sure if I see a future with him. Of course it would help if we actually went out on a first date, right?! I’m certainly not going to press the issue, after all, he was the one that approached me, asked me for my phone number, called me up, and even asked me out. He just hasn’t followed it up yet. But if he really wanted to take me out, he would’ve done it by now right?

All of this leads me to wonder, why are men so slow when it comes to the dating process? If they meet someone they’re interested in, wouldn’t they ask them out quickly and then actually follow that through with a real date? Why risk her losing interest, or being put in the friend zone? I know that’s what I do – if I have a great conversation with a guy who says he likes me but never actually takes me out, he gets “friend-zoned”.

I’m sure he’s busy, but I’m busy too. When a man wants a woman he makes time for her. And he makes time sooner rather than later to spend with her. I certainly can’t think that a man is interested in me if he keeps talking about going out but never actually makes plans with me.

Men, dating shouldn’t be this confusing. If you’ve met a woman and you like her and ask her out then ACTUALLY take her out! So unless you just want another female friend on your roster, you’re going to lose our interest if you don’t ask us out on that first date.

Guys, what stops you from planning a date with us when you are the ones who asked for our number?

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