Tag: Chivalry

Men, You Want Me To Pay For What?!: Why Women Should NEVER Pay For A Date

It’s time to talk about dating again. Particularly how women shouldn’t have to pay for dating. I wrote a piece a while back asserting that dating is more expensive for women than it is for men, but now I want to touch on why a man should ALWAYS pay.

Personally, I don’t think a woman should EVER have to pay for a date. Particularly when we are just dating & not yet in a relationship. My brain can’t comprehend how a man can truly court me if I’m paying for myself the whole time, or even some of the time. If I’m in a relationship then I would chip in because at that stage, I can begin to “invest” in him because he has proven his interest & has already hooked me at that point.

Some argue that so many African American women are single because we are “stuck in our ways”. We shouldn’t mind treating because another woman will. Times are different, yes but that doesn’t mean I change what I believe in. That’s like saying if the new norm is having sex on the 1st date instead of the 4th then I should conform, lest I find myself single. Some values you stick to, regardless of what other women are doing. 

I have yet to meet a man who is raising his daughter to believe that it is okay to pay for dating. They may tell their daughters to have their own money just in case (as did my father), but NOT that they should want to be with a man who lets them pay for stuff. It’s funny how some men say one thing but raise their own daughters to do something else. I hold to the standard “If it wouldn’t be good enough for your daughter, then it isn’t good enough for me.” If you would check a dude for treating your daughter that way, why would you try to pull it on me? Am I not someone’s daughter? Am I not worthy of the same treatment?

Some men would argue: “What if I’m low on cash? Why can’t the woman step up & pay the bill?” Well, if he can’t afford to date, he should probably focus on that part before asking you out. Fellas, being broke doesn’t give you an excuse to be lazy or uncreative. There are plenty of ways to court a woman that aren’t expensive. Point is, a man should show effort. Coming over to “chill” (or inviting me over to do the same) is NOT a date. If you’re short on funds, make a home cooked meal with a good movie & conversation, create the ambience and voila! you’ve got a “real” date. Or what about an outdoor event  – such as a picnic in the park, bowling, or karaoke – none of these outings are expensive but they are dates. So not having a lot of money is no excuse. Where I live there is beautiful weather just about all the time & beaches galore. If a man would take me down to the boardwalk & buy me a $7 corndog a $3 lemonade & hold my hand I would be just as happy. (Yes, I know $7 for a corndog is expensive, but you get my point)

I also hear the argument, “Women are making more these days so why should a man always have to pay? Don’t women want to be equal? It’s 2013 and times have changed.” That’s a specious argument to which I would counter that men are still making more money than women. Period. African American men are still outearning African American women, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. (If you don’t believe me, click here for the stats).  As for me, with the exception of 1 or 2 guys, all of the men I’ve dated made more than I do so there certainly shouldn’t be a women-are-making-more-these-days issue.

People may question why a woman would equate a man paying for a date to her worth. Well, I’m definitely worth more than a couple of dinners & a movie so self-worth is not the issue. Men & women please understand it’s not about the money, it’s about how a man values me. Considering that he is the one that asked me out, he is the one courting me, it’s up to him to show that he values my time – at least as much as I value my own time.

Now there are men that are used to women doing all types of things for them, including paying for dates (in some cases to prove their loyalty). Some men will taunt women by telling us to “Step our game up because there are other women who would shell out the dough.” And to that I say, “NEXT!” Clearly, those are not the kind of men that will truly value me or are interested in something serious. Anytime a man mentions what another woman will do, it is often a sign that he is not ready to settle down. If a man is thinking about what he can get from someone else, then he’s just not that into you anyway.

I was raised to always have my own money with me in case of an emergency, but not necessarily to pay for the date. I do agree with my father – I should have enough to pay for myself, except it would be for me to pay my own way home should a man ever expect me to pay. “Hello, operator please find me a Taxi Cab.” Lol!

There is an article that talks about this very issue (see below). The author believes that a man would never ask Beyonce to pay for herself, or even expect his own mother to leave a tip if they were dining out together. Most men would argue that the women they date certainly don’t compare to their mothers & are by no means “Beyonce”. Well, if a man doesn’t value me nearly as much as he values a heavily made up, costume-wearing, booty-shaking performer whom he’s never met & wouldn’t stand a chance with anyways, then he has a problem. And no, I may not “compare” to your mother but you also wouldn’t ask Maya Angelou or Mrs. Michelle Obama to pay either if you were to meet them for lunch. It’s a respect & value issue. It’s not about looks or vanity, it’s about how you value them as women. You offer to pay (even though they can clearly afford it themselves) because you know that they are deserving & demand the utmost respect. Well, it should be the same way for dating – I DEMAND the respect & I DEMAND to be valued. One of the best ways a man can demonstrate that early on in a courtship is by paying a woman’s way.

Every time me & my friends talk about this issue I have to remind them that paying for a date is like opening the door for a lady – it doesn’t matter that I can open the door for myself, I still expect the man to do it for me. Chivalry is chivalry is chivalry.

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Here’s the article I mentioned from Six Brown Chicks that speaks out on this issue as well. Read below –

I know that for some folks, the recession is in full swing and all, but make him pay for the date. Yes he has bills, but so have you.

Make him pay.

What’s that you say? “Is it alright for you to handle something small, like the tip?” NO. Make him pay for that, too. Do you think he’d ever take his mother to dinner and ask her to leave the tip? Hmmm, probably not, right?

I know I may sound harsh. But let me tell you, I’ve been there. I’ve helped finance a couple of dates in my lifetime; I understand the reasoning of opening your wallet. You like him. You know he’s not a wealthy man and you’re not a gold digger. Besides, you had a nice time, too, so you don’t see the harm in making a contribution to the date. Chipping in on the evening just feels like the right thing to do.

I’m urging you to FIGHT. THAT. FEELING and MAKE HIM PAY.

It’s a terrible idea to open your wallet and here’s why:

First of all, you like this guy, so, are you just going to show up in a sweatshirt with your hair in a scrunchy?! Heck No! You went out and bought a dress; you got new nail polish AND touched up your highlights. Now, tally all of that money you’ve spent to look good for him. Do you realize you’ve already paid for the date before he even got to your door? So why would ever consider going back into your wallet to help finance the evening? That’s madness! Save your dignity (and your money) and let him pick up the tab.

And if he won’t cough up the cash, kick him to the curb. Why? Well, because of a very cool study released by St. Andrews University that reveals that men are more likely to pay for dinner if they think the woman they’re out with is pretty. That’s very telling; it suggests that men are willing to pay when they are in the company of a young lady they value. If he’s asking you to pay, then he probably sees less value in your company than he would see in some other woman’s company.

Call me crazy, but I don’t think you must be Beyoncé or Kate Upton in order to get a free meal. We can’t all be Beyoncé but, we all deserve a guy who thinks we’re as wonderful as she. We all deserve to be with someone who is in awe of us. We are all worthy of someone who will do whatever it takes to make us happy; someone who cops an attitude when the bill comes is probably NOT that guy.

In conclusion, I’ll keep it simple: There’s a difference between being in a relationship and being valued in a relationship. The best way to discern your future role is to MAKE HIM PAY.

Truly,

Sylvia

Sylvia Snowden is a fabulous Chicago-based journalist, the President of Always Onyx and Director of Community Engagement for the Six Brown Chicks. Follow Sylvia on Twitter @TrulySylvia; reach her at Sylvia@SixBrownChicks.

Is Chivalry Dead Or Just On Life Support? (Revisited)

I’ve addressed the issue of chivalry before (click here to read it). However, as I continue to date and have friends that date I think this issue will probably need to be addressed again from time to time. First, let’s be clear on the purpose of dating – dating is an important step in finding a spouse. But this definition primarily deals with people who are dating seriously. In this post, I’d like to address chivalry as it pertains to your first couple of dates.

As you read this, please bear in mind that the 1st date is the time where the man is appealing to the woman. His whole goal is to get to know the woman and express his interest in her so it is up to the man to make the right impression. With that said, we all know that a man should open the door for a woman and pay for the date. It amazes me how many women don’t enforce this. I understand that this is 2013 & women are making more than men these days, but still! Ladies, let a man be a man and pay for the date; after all he asked you out. (More about this in another post)

Okay, so now let me address a few other things I think a man should do:

1)      Don’t play loud music in the car: So you’ve picked me up and I’m sitting in your passenger seat. This is the perfect opportunity to have conversation, not listen to whatever play list you have in your stereo. Listening to music can be a nice ice breaker but this early on in the date you shouldn’t have run out of things to talk about already.

2)      Walking on the outside: So now we are walking towards the restaurant and there is no way that I should be on the sidewalk closest to the street. I know, I know – that tradition may be a little old school and maybe even a little outdated, but nonetheless – there isn’t a woman I know who doesn’t appreciate this small gesture of chivalry. Some men have argued that this shouldn’t be a big deal anymore so I say to them, if it’s not a big deal, then why not just do it?

3)      Open the door for me: I cannot emphasize this enough. I know that most men already do this but I need to clarify: Don’t open the door for yourself, walk in & then hold the door behind you for me to walk in after you. That’s not how chivalry works. Being a gentleman means that the lady goes first through the door. My ex-boyfriend used to do the whole ‘hold the door open after him’ routine & I quickly put him in his place. No woman wants to be an afterthought, and when you hold the door open after you’ve already walked through it then that’s exactly how we’ll feel – like an afterthought.

4)      Let me order first: The golden rule of any date is to let the woman go first. If you follow this while you are ordering your dinner there shouldn’t be any problems. Your server should know to look at the woman first when taking the food & drink orders, but in the event that they don’t men please let her order first! I’ve had guys order their drinks before me & it was an instant turnoff. A while ago, I went out with a guy who interjected his order before mine. I quickly put him in check, “Oh, I see you’re not the type to let a lady go first.”  This was a double entendre (if you know what I mean) but he got the hint and quickly apologized.

(When ordering this is especially helpful when you are trying to gauge how much money you can spend that night – if you let me order first, you’ll know how much you have left to spend. Hello!)

5)      Who goes first on the escalator/elevator?: The elevator is easy – always let the woman enter & exit the elevator first. Plus, you get to see how cute my outfit is if you let me go ahead J    The escalator is a little different, though, and here is where it gets tricky. In theory, a man should always go first on an escalator that is headed down. However, on an escalator ride going up the man should be behind the woman. Here’s why: if I am headed uphill and lose my balance, I am more likely to fall backwards. Therefore the man should be behind me. If I somehow trip on a descending escalator, then the man should be in front of me to catch me if I fall. Makes sense doesn’t it?

6)      The good night kiss: Ah, going in for the dreaded good night kiss. Should you ask her first or just go for it? I think there’s no right or wrong answer for this one. Men, you have to gauge your date to see what’s best. I’ve had men ask if they could kiss me first and sometimes I say yes & sometimes I say no. I’ve also had men who just go for it & I am not afraid to reject them. I either turn my head (so they get my cheek instead) or I pull away altogether. Yeah, that makes things a little awkward sometimes but a kiss isn’t any good unless we are both feelin’ it. So guys, before you try & kiss your date start with a hug and try to determine if she’s comfortable enough to kiss you back. Some girls actually think it’s cute when a guy asks them first before trying to kiss them. I know I do J

At the end of the day, men, all of these things will impress your date and put you ahead of any other man that she’s dating. Not to mention, it doesn’t cost you anything to be a gentleman!

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Is Chivalry Dead or Just on Life Support?

How many things do you see wrong with this picture?

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I see at least 2 things wrong: Why on earth isn’t he holding her bags, or walking on the side of the street closest to the cars? (And she’s pregnant at that!) This picture just goes to show that chivalry is dying a slow & painful death.

Men aren’t gentlemen anymore and women aren’t ladies anymore. A real lady allows a gentleman to show acts of chivalry. This includes:

  • Opening doors – Any & all doors
  • Giving up your seat for a female – Especially for elderly women
  • Carrying bags – Especially the heavy ones
  • Walking on the outside of the sidewalk – Even if you think this is an outdated notion, it still holds value
  • Paying for dates – A lady should never have to come out of pocket
  • Helping a lady put on her jacket or her coat

Ways a woman can show her appreciation towards a gentleman:

  • Saying thank you to a man who holds the door open – Saying thank you goes a long way
  • Offer to pay for things from time to time – If he buys the movie tickets, offer to buy the popcorn
  • Serve a man – When eating at home, serve him his plate and don’t eat until he starts eating

Why aren’t men as chivalrous as they used to be? Have men gotten lazy? Or is it because women have fought so hard to be independent so men feel it’s not necessary anymore? Unfortunately, along the way a lot of gentlemen seem to have lost their charm. But there are plenty of women out there, like me, who still deserve (and expect) to be treated like a lady.

So to you gentlemen, even if you feel like some women are not deserving of your chivalrous efforts, please keep them up. The right lady will appreciate them.