Tag: Babies

Should I Really Have A Baby?

She asked me the question because she was on the fence about whether she should have a baby. I remember that time in my life. I think I’m still at that time in my life. Should I have kids? But she was asking me seriously. I was her closest friend with real baby insight. What was the deal? Do the heart-melting moments outweigh the bad stuff and make it totally worth it?

Well… Yesno.

As usual, I am a focus group of one. There seem to be a lot of people out there who think having (and rearing) babies is The Most Fun Ever. They are all like, “Oh my God! And then I get to quit my job and FINALLY buy that house in the ‘burbs and make crafts All. Day. Long. and sing songs and, OMG, I cannot wait!” And I think those people are incredible. (Don’t get me wrong, I love crafts as much as the next gal. I just like to do adult crafts. Alone.) Those people have a different genetic makeup than I do. I think my kid is awesome. All two hours a day I spend with him after living the working mom dream. And then I like to put him to bed and think about how I can’t go anywhere because it’s basically illegal to leave the house. JUST IN CASE. (There’s a lot of “just in case” in parenting. I want to tell people to go ahead and stop talking to me, just in case I get violent.)

But when posed the question, “It is totally worth it?”, I really can’t answer simply. On the one hand, I have a tiny

person: I own a 28-inch human being. He has tiny human pants and little New Balance sneakers and he thinks I am awesome. Like, really awesome. He sees me and he’s all, “Oh thank God it is you! I have been waiting on you since forever and I have no concept of time so that’s basically my whole life!” And he smiles and makes “ahhoooohhh” noises that are pretty funny because he thinks I’m absolutely following what he’s telling me. Mimic him and his mind is blown. We speak the same language!

No, shrunken human, I have no idea what you’re getting at.

But then other times he is a tiny life terrorist. He’s the biggest, most selfish ass in the history of the world. He wants what he wants when he wants it and that’s exactly 30 seconds before it’s humanly possible for me to have it. All the toys in the world are meaningless compared to an outlet or a live wire or anything else that could instantly kill him. He stole everything I knew: my life, my professional life, my social life, my sex life. I now spend evenings putting meat into a blender and then tasting it. Pureed meat! Sh*t ain’t right. He’s turned our cat into a manic-depressive who no longer stares out the window, but rather throws his body against the screen in an attempt to break through and plunge to his death.

And some of those things, like slaving over homemade baby food and losing the love of the family cat, are OK. His cuteness does make those things worth it. But the other stuff? The loss of anything that resembles my former life? That’s where things get complicated. When he wakes up screaming bloody murder just moments after I put him down, right as the wine is about to hit my lips, only to smile and laugh when I go into his room, I frankly think him a deviant little f*ck. A tiny human who was sent to this earth to make me think long and hard about who I am and what I believe.

But that’s not an answer. So I answer like this:

Having a baby is like losing your leg and winning the lottery. Winning the lottery does not make it OK that you’re without your leg, but it does give you enough of a distraction that you don’t completely lose your mind. Yes, your leg is missing, but you’re on a yacht. Would you rather be in a trailer with a leg? Who knows. Guess it depends on whether you felt like going for a jog.

My leg is gone. Blown to smithereens. I have to relearn to walk and dance and run and do everything else I used to know how to do, but I won the lottery, so that’s going to help.

Of course I miss not having a baby. When people say things like, “I don’t even remember what it was like!”, I cannot relate. I remember exactly what it was like. IT WAS AMAZING. I drank in real bars on weeknights. I made last-minute plans. I could get on an airplane without two Xanax and a booster brew and a sincere prayer that the small boy doesn’t freak out at 30,000 feet. When I made a decision, it was with very little other than my own comfort and convenience in mind. Those things come dead last now. If they come at all.

I can’t tell you whether having kids will be worth it for you. And that whole, “We are waiting until we’re ready” thing? Right. You are never ready for this. When the tiny human cometh, all bets are off. And from then on, the question is never again whether or not it’s worth it. The question is how you make it worth it for them.

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*Article originally published on Huffington Post.

READERS: Question of the Day – How Old Is Too Old To Make A Baby?

David Letterman had his first child at 56 years old. The average life expectancy of a male is 76 years old. At what age should a man stop having babies?

DL

Things That Make My Teeth Itch – Aauugghh!!!

There are a few random things that are going through my mind right now. Again, these things are very random but I still thought I’d share:

  • From time to time I do a random phone sweep where I clean out phone #’s that I haven’t called in a while. I hate it when someone calls me out of the blue after I’ve just deleted their number
  • Don’t be mad at me if I can’t tell whether your baby is a boy or a girl. The sex of your baby might be obvious to you but not to other people. If your baby has on blue, I’m going to guess it’s a boy every time.
  • I hate it when I only have 2 or 3 items in my shopping cart but the person in front of me with a  full cart of groceries won’t let me go ahead of them
  • I hate it when I try to return something only to realize that I just missed the deadline per the store’s return policy
  • You’d think that because football season is over there would be more men grocery shopping on Sunday afternoons
  • I hate that cell phones are getting more expensive but the battery life keeps getting shorter & shorter
  • I hate that I have to check my drive thru order before I drive off because of 1 time a McDonald’s cashier forget to give me my fries and I didn’t notice until after I drove off
  • I hate it when people walk in the middle of the parking lot knowing that they hear my car engine right behind them trying to drive past them
  • Even though I get tired sometimes, I hate that I can’t take a nap in the middle of a Sunday afternoon because it will through off my sleep pattern for the rest of night
  • I hate putting on pantyhose for church & getting a run in them before I even get to the church
  • I hate offering people mints for their bad breath & they decline
  • It’s only when I need to wear a certain pair of shoes, I realize that they either need to be polished or need a heel replaced so I can’t wear them after all & it screws up my whole outfit

 

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All Newborn Babies Look Alike (so I don’t need a picture of yours)

My friend recently gave birth and while I’m happy for her, I’m a little annoyed with all of the pictures she’s been sending of her newborn baby. I understand her excitement, this being her 1st child & all but still…..I don’t need another text message of her baby. I know this may sound mean (especially if you’re a mom), but it’s how I feel.

I just don’t understand why people think that everyone outside of their immediate family wants to see 10 million pictures of their baby. Especially as a newborn! Newborn babies don’t really look like much, at least not to me. (Can you tell I don’t have any kids?) To me all, and I do mean ALL newborn babies look pretty much the same. The only difference is the eye color and some have hair and some don’t. I never understood why people say “He looked just like his father when he was born.” Really? C’mon people, none of us looked like anyone when we were 1 hour old. Even my own mother says I looked like her when I was born but I compared my newborn picture to another Black baby picture and I gotta tell you, I couldn’t even tell the difference. I looked like every other newborn baby out there (I did have plenty of hair, though).

It is my friend’s first baby so I understand why she wants to share her pictures with the world. I just think that pictures of babies should be confined to family members and people who have actually asked for them.

At some point in the near future I will have to go visit her & the new baby but I am not looking forward to it. Similar to baby showers, I just don’t know how many times I can “oh & ah” over someone’s baby. (That’ll be another post, I’m sure)

Because I’m her friend, I did send her congratulatory messages but I think I may have to turn off my phone for a while so I don’t get any more of her baby pics.

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(You can not tell me that all these babies don’t look very similar)

Eat, Pray, Love? Nah, Eat, Spank, Love.

So, I’m not understanding why parents allow their children to tell them what they will & will not eat. When I’m in a restaurant I can’t stand to see kids start acting crazy because they don’t want to eat what’s on their plate. When I was little (back in the 80’s) I had to eat everything on my plate or I wasn’t allowed to leave the table. And when I tried to act slick by trying to “outsit” my parents at the dinner table, my mom would just put it in the refrigerator & the same food would be put in front of me to eat the next day (and the next day, and the next day until I ate it). Nowadays kids get away with things like this by throwing a temper tantrum.

I remember when I was younger my little cousin refused to eat the peas that were on her plate. My aunt didn’t say anything but took the plate away and let my little cousin go off to watch TV. My grandmother, who was in the kitchen with us, asked my aunt why she allowed her 7 year daughter to leave the table without eating her vegetables. My aunt said, “Oh, she doesn’t like peas so I don’t make her eat them.” My grandmother simply replied, “So which one of you is the parent and which one of you is the child?” For me, that was enough said.

Now admittedly, I am a little bit of a picky eater. For example: I don’t like my food touching, if it’s a liquid like gravy or syrup because I don’t want my other food to get soggy. Also, I won’t eat mushrooms and not a fan of most green vegetables (except greens & broccoli). But I am an adult, so I can decide what I put into my body. But children shouldn’t have that privilege.

So adults, please “man up” and stop letting your children run things (especially when it affects their health)….

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Baby Showers, Eh Who Needs Them?

I really hate baby showers. Just because you & your husband decided to make a baby, I don’t understand why I should have to pay for it. I’ll already be stuck paying for your child to go to public school for the next 12 years, so now I’m supposed to buy a rattle & some diapers on top of that? Plus, the games at these parties are really wack. And how many times can you “Oh” & “Ah” over a onsie?!

Apparently a bunch of women getting together and eating cake and opening up gifts has been around for a while, although I couldn’t find exactly when or where this tradition got started. I mean, if you chose to get pregnant than you should be in a financial position to take care of your newborn baby. That being said – why register for gifts? If you didn’t plan to get pregnant, that’s a whole different enchilada, but still….you get my point.

If anything, the celebration should come after the baby is born. Why do we celebrate beforehand? The real celebration is not the pregnancy itself (anyone can do that), but the fact that the baby has been born and is (hopefully) healthy. Besides, that’s really when the mother-to-be is in a better position to determine what gifts & accoutrements are truly needed. Before the baby comes, the mother is just taking a stab in the dark as to what she’ll need for her unborn child.

I do feel sorry for the fathers though; they always get left out of the parties. What do they get for planting their seed? Nothing. Nothing at all…..

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