Tag: Advice

Girlfriends ARE Sexier Than Wives

Chocolate Vent

This is an interesting article that I read this morning, written by Gina B. from Six Brown Chicks. I must say that I agree with her wholeheartedly. Of course, sexy is in the eye of the beholder but you can’t argue that once you’re married the “chase” is gone. There are many, many benefits to marriage but the element of keeping it sexy is easier without the “burden” of being a wife.

Maintaining your sexiness takes work after you get married and is probably less of a priority than when you were single. When you throw children into the mix, a mortgage and other family needs, things like shaving your legs everyday or wearing lingerie to bed usually take a backseat. I’m all for keeping things hot and perhaps the definition of sexy changes once you get married, but you can’t disagree that it is easier to keep it…

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7 Reasons I Don’t Post About My Relationships On Social Media

People always ask me who am I dating and why am I not married yet. Usually these questions are accompanied with the connotation that something must be wrong with me since I am still single. The reality is my real reality isn’t posted all over social media.

I’ve dated, been in a relationship, had my heartbroken and went through an ugly custody battle all without sharing any of it on social media.

The most challenging part about it is being with someone who you truly love and care about that doesn’t understand why you don’t profess your love for them on social media. It seems like in 2014, people value what you do on social media more so than what you do in real life!

In my experience posting about your relationship only causes a lot of issues, here are the first seven I could think of. Feel free to leave any I forgot to mention below.

1. It gives haters and frenemies an opportunity to “prey” on your significant other – Once you upload an “usie” and you’ve tagged your “bae” your followers go follow and friend request your new boo. Now they are looking through photos of him/her making an assessment of who they are, trying to find something bad to say about them and finally some may go to the extent of flirting with them online to try and get them to engage!

2. It makes public what is meant to be private – In my opinion romance is one of those things that is meant to be private! Of course, to each their own, but it just seems that once you change your relationship status the force of Facebook is against you.

3. It promotes drama! Yes the drama, it gets deep and messy! – Even if you only have a few Facebook friends, You never know who is friends with your Facebook friends or who might take a screenshot of something you post and share it. I knew Facebook was a hot mess when I seen an old friend from my childhood posting photos with my friend from high school’s baby daddy. I didn’t pick up the phone to talk about it but later on in my timeline the two girls were going back and forth! Needless to say, if she would have kept her relationship off of Facebook they may have made it! #DoinTooMuch

4. It invites your ex’s into your new relationship – Once you put your new relationship online your ex’s are bound to catch wind. Yea, of course you may want to rub it in their face especially if you’re doing better. But do you really want your ex inboxing your new significant other? Do you really want to taint your new relationship with that type of negativity and chaos?

5. It can cause a competitive element in your relationship – A friend of mine got into an argument with his girlfriend because she claimed he didn’t post as many pictures of them together on his page as she did. Really?

6. It can harm your following – If the primary use of your page is to promote your career (like mine) your supporters may have mixed feelings about you posting “usies” with your new boyfriend or girlfriend. I have even seen up and coming artists and athletes lose followers over this. Let’s just be honest, especially for artists, a lot of your fans don’t care to see all of that mushy stuff!

7. It creates a major dilemma if you break up – Do you keep the pics up or do you take them down? Now you have a permanent online footprint that you were with this person. How do you explain them to the next person you are with (trust they will ask about them!) and finally, how tacky is it to showcase your new relationship every 6-12months? What? I’m just sayin’

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*Article originally published on Georgia’s Juice.

Preparing To Become A Husband – 10 Tips For Single Men

Found this great article geared towards men. It seems to be some much-needed and very good advice!

Last week’s article,  Preparing To Become A Wife ““ 10 Tips For Single Women, gave great tips for wives-to-be and inspired me to sit down and write out my thoughts on being a great husband. In no way am I proclaiming perfection in any of these areas, but like any relationship you have to work hard on the positives in order to become an ideal partner.

Prior to my marriage I would’ve never been able to construct a list like this and I hope my experiences can influence someone to develop positive habits prior to saying “I do.”

1.  Develop An Intimate Relationship With God: (as seen on Preparing To Become A Wife ““ 10 Tips For Single Women)
You cannot enter into a successful covenant with a husband wife if you don’t first have one with God. Seek biblical wisdom, study the word, develop a life of prayer and be dedicated to living for God. This will strengthen the marriage covenant when God allows you to walk into that season. A three-cord strand is not easily broken (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

2.  Be Faithful:
Being faithful isn’t just restricted to being a “one-woman man.” You have to be faithful in every aspect of your marriage. Be faithful in the way you budget your finances as well as the time you spend with your wife and family. Your wife will always respect you when she’s able to trust you to be faithful to the life that you’re trying to live together.

3.  Plan Together:
Your wife is counting on you to have a realistic vision for the rest of your lives. Your marriage should include goals and a purpose that you two can openly discuss and achieve together. For example, if you two are planning to buy a house, how are you going to do that? To get the ball rolling, try writing down some short-term goals and post them on the fridge. When a goal is achieved you should acknowledge and celebrate it together.

4.Constantly Remix Your Love Language:
Your wife will appreciate your creativity when it comes to showing her how much she means to you. Remember to date your wife and always keep her guessing when it comes to how you show her that you love her. Get clever with the gift giving and remember that even though it’s the thought that counts they can always tell just how much thought went in to a gift.

5.  PDA Is Much More Than Being “Hands-On”:
Express your feelings for your wife in public often. PDA is more than just locking arms or lips at the mall. When you’re around your friends give compliments to your wife, praise her cooking, her outfit, or how proud you are of her recent accomplishment. Use social media to tell your wife and the world how much she means to you. (I love you @lcnurse10).

6.  Be a R.E.A.L. Man:
Realize that you have a responsibility to set the standard of living inside your household.
Earn the right to call yourself a man by displaying Godly standards of headship.
Always put your marriage first.
Love unconditionally and eternally.

7.  Make Sure Your Roots Are Solid:
Having deep roots makes you dependable and gives your wife assurance. Be rooted in your faith, marriage, and job. Your wife should know how dedicated you are. Having deep roots will show that you are committed and reliable even during adversity. The trees that survive a storm are the trees with the deepest roots. As your roots deepen, your branches will grow and you will bear nothing but good fruit.

8.  Adapt To Your New Environment:
When you’re married the adjustment from the single or dating life can be a challenge. You’re going to be spending more time (a lot more) with your wife than with your friends. Leaving your gym shoes in the middle of floor might have been ok at your bachelor pad but with marriage comes new rules on household etiquette. Adapting smoothly into married living will make your wife more comfortable and ease any nervous feelings that she may have. Discuss with your wife on how your household should be run. This will help alleviate future arguments.

9.  Be A Leader:
As a husband it is imperative that you demonstrate the characteristics of a good leader. You must be patient enough to listen, confident enough to decide, and worthy enough of submission. If you don’t have the right answers, seek them out. If you can’t find the right answers, ask for help. Your wife is your helpmate and her opinion and input is just as important as yours. All decisions should not be left up to you alone. Tag-team often on problem solving and decision making with your wife. Be a president and not a dictator.

10.  Pray Out Loud:
Here’s a quick secret: one of the sexiest things you can do is randomly grab your wife by the hand and say, “Let’s pray.” Having a bold prayer life shows your wife that you’re not the end-all-be-all and that though you are the head of the house you still answer to a higher calling. Your willingness to pray out loud will inspire and increase the faith of your entire family.

What tips would you add to the list for single men?  

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*Article originally published on Black and Married With Kids.

Travel Tips – Part 2

I recently published a post on travel tips & things you can do to make your travels go a whole lot smoother. As a follow up to that post here are some additional travel tips:

  • Dress business casual when you fly – Although we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, you’ll be surprised at how much better the flight crew and airport staff address you if you’re dressed up versus dressed down.
  • Want to keep your shoes on & skip those long TSA lines? – Sign up for TSA Pre and you won’t have to remove shoes, belt, etc. It’s available to USA citizens & all you have to do is simply fill out an application, pay $85, and wait. This is definitely worth it if you’re a frequent flier. Check out the website – http://www.tsa.gov/tsa-precheck/application-program.
  • Pack important things in your carry-on -If you’re checking your bags, be sure to bring all of your medications, expensive jewelry and chargers on the plane with you. Make sure you have a change of clothes (including undergarments) and anything else you’ll need right away in case your checked luggage gets lost.
  • The less stuff hanging off your luggage the better – Straps and nametags can get caught on conveyer belts which can cause jams. This in turn ends up with your bag being crushed by any bags behind yours, all because of a couple of straps.
  • Freeze your liquids – If you freeze a liquid completely solid it can go through the checkpoint (because it’s no longer a liquid – duh!). Just make sure it’s completely solid before you go through screening.
  • Need some alone time in between flights? – If you have ample time between connections and need a place that’s peaceful or a place to be calm, most airports have a chapel. They are usually not very well marked so be sure to ask where it’s located.
  • Flight attendants love chocolate – Sshhh, this is a well-kept secret but you should try to carry a bag of chocolates and give them to the flight attendant when you sit down. Let that flight attendant know that it is for the entire crew as appreciation for what they do. I’m sure they’ll love the gesture!

What do you think of these suggestions? Do you think any of them would work for you?

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Travel Tips – Part 1

Vacation season is almost upon us (well at least for some of it is). I plan on taking a trip or two this summer myself and understand the importance of having smooth travels. Whether you travel by plane, train or automobile there are always little “travel tips” to help make your trip more enjoyable.

Here are some tips on how to have a good travel experience if you’re traveling by plane:

  • Before taking off, check out which seats are best – Go to http://www.seatguru.com and for every airline and plane type you can find out the best place to sit.
  • If your flight is cancelled or overbooked call the airline’s 800 number – Don’t join the long line of people harassing the gate attendant. There might be a long hold time, but keep in mind that the operator can do just about anything the gate agent can. Sometimes it will save you from standing in line with tons of other people by calling the airline instead.
  • You know those ugly luggage carts near baggage claim that cost $2, $3, $4 or even $5? – Avoid paying for one of those carts indoors by going outside to the pickup area. There are usually a few outside at the curb that people abandon when they get picked up. (And don’t forget – Bonus: SmarteCart gives a $.25 reward from the machine when you return a cart. Don’t let someone else get your quarter!)
  • Feel thirsty, but don’t want to pay $5 for a 2-ounce bottle of water in the airport souvenir shop? – Bring an empty water bottle with you to the airport in your carry-on bag. Fill it up at a water fountain once you get past security & now you don’t have to pay $100.00 for something you already have – bottled water!
  • If you over-packed (or bought too many souvenirs during your trip), don’t worry – Just go to any Hudson News Group airport gift shop and ask any one of the staff to give you a big shopping bag. You can put all your crap in there and the airline can’t tell you it’s an additional carry on because it’ll look like you bought it from the airport gift shop. The tricky part is getting all that “extra stuff” through security to make it to the Hudson News store!
  • If you lost your phone charger just go to the lost & found – There are hundreds of them at the lost & found (from travelers JUST LIKE YOU!). It might help if you say something like “it’s a bit frayed near the top” or something to add believability. This also might work in some hotels (no guarantees though)
  • If you’re renting a car put your flight number somewhere in the car rental reservation – If you’re flying into a smaller regional airport later in the evening & renting a car, be aware that most of these smaller airports close after the last flight lands. Also, some rental agencies don’t require their employees to stay for late flights if they don’t have someone on the flight so better safe than sorry.

What’d you think of these tips? Did you find any of them helpful? I have several more that I’ll be sharing over the coming weeks. Happy travels!

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Holding Out For Something Better

Have you ever been told that you’re too picky and that’s why you’re single?  I have.  But I don’t think I am, I think I’m being selective.  I’ve found myself asking the question “To Settle or Not To Settle” every time I meet someone new.  I always choose not to settle.  Why? Well, that’s how I got into the wrong marriage and wrong relationships before.  I knew what I wanted and needed in a partner but I ignored it because I didn’t want to be alone.  Settling was the wrong decision for me and I’m not going to make that mistake again.

Is There Something Better?

There definitely is.  As hard as it is to imagine, especially if you’re single and having a hard time finding someone, there is something better out there.  There has to be.  Why settle for less?  It’s not worth it.  I truly believe that anyone can have just any significant other in their life if they are willing to forego their standards.  Is that really worth it? I’m not saying be picky, but each and every one of us has certain things that we won’t budge on and that’s OK.  There are also things that are “nice to have’s” that might be seen as superficial, like hair color or even baldness that perhaps we should overlook but, really, that’s up to you.

Finding the right someone is definitely much more difficult than finding just anyone.  These days it seems like it’s becoming even harder, or is it just me?  It seems that many who SAY they want a real relationship much prefer casual relationships rather than something real.  There are also those who are looking for the thunderbolt kind of love that they won’t settle for less.  Not sure who’s right or who’s wrong here, all I know is that I am holding out for something better than what’s I’ve gotten so far.  Although I love being single and enjoy dating tremendously, I really want to find a partner, but the RIGHT partner, not just any partner.

What Is Happiness Really?

I recently was listening to a TED Talk by Psychologist Barry Schwartz about the “Secret of Happiness” and what he said resonated with me.  He said that “the secret of happiness is low expectations” (huh!?), then after all the laughs he said that, really the secret to happiness is realistic and modest expectations.  I have to say I agree with him.  How many times do we invest too much, too fast into something we think we want and then dump a truck full of expectations on an unsuspecting potential partner only to scare them away?  I know I’ve done it, and, I know you’ve done it too.  He goes on to say that the reason we’re unhappy is because we have too many choices and we don’t know what to choose anymore because what if something better comes along.  All these choices allow us to do better, but, ultimately, make us feel worse because our expectations increase and this produces less satisfaction with the results we do get.  He says that “with so many options to choose from, people find it very difficult to choose at all.”  I think this definitely rings true in the dating world.

Expectation is the Root of all Heartache ~William Shakespeare

The Cost of Holding Out For Something Better

I recently read this and found it profoundly true … I just had to share it with you as is …

“Men frequently refuse to commit to one relationship because they don’t want to limit their choices. Often they will be in the midst of spending time with and enjoying a particular woman, and don’t have any other opportunities to consider. Still, they are eager to remain uncommitted on the off chance that a better alternative will soon present itself. In an era when it’s not difficult to hookup with strangers, that better option may be only a weekend away. Of course, he won’t commit to that woman either, and on and on it goes.

Women fall into a variation of the same trap. We meet a guy, enjoy his company, want to like him. But we find we just can’t make it happen. He may have lots of good qualities, but he’s not the catch we dreamed of as we watched The Notebook again last weekend. We want an all-consuming, passionate love, but how many couples do you know like that? How many couples have been brought together by a powerful romantic destiny? In my own life, I don’t know any. I know many happy couples, but they’re not storybook relationships. They’re imperfect, messy, real and rewarding.”

So there you go.  Holding out isn’t always the best choice, but you need to decide for yourself if you are being reasonable and if giving that certain someone a chance is worth it for you.  Maybe it is.  Maybe they are the right someone but you just haven’t seen it yet.  It’s really your decision and yours alone.

Are you holding out for something better? How has that worked for you? Do you feel you’re being reasonable? Is the secret to happiness low expectations?  I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments!!

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*This article was originally published on Single Dating Diva.

Women Can’t Handle Casual Sex, Can They?

There was an article in the Huffington Post a couple of days ago questioning whether or not women can have casual sex without the emotional attachment. Although I am not a fan of casual sex I feel that the author made a very good point.

Most women can’t truly separate sex from emotion unless she’s too far down the path of just not caring anymore. God didn’t create us equal; instead he made women the more emotional of the two sexes.  That’s been scientifically proven time & time again and is evident through our hormones and mental reasoning. We use emotion a lot of times as a base for our decision making. Nothing is wrong with that, it’s just the way it is. That being said, it’s nearly impossible for a woman to emotionally dissociate herself from a man she has had sex with. (Note: There might be like 2% of the female population that was born without the “emotional gene” but for the most part, women always tend to get caught up when having sex)

We are sexual beings, but for a woman to get to the point of not caring anymore usually comes over a course of some time of being sexually active. Maybe after a bad experience, or after being with a lot of men – A woman may decide she can detach herself but unlike a dude it doesn’t come as first nature for us. Do I think a woman should be able to do what she wants with her body sexually? Absolutely! But I think it comes at a cost & for us women that’s usually an emotional one.

 

Read the article below –

Can Women Have Casual Sex Without a Post-Hookup Hangover?

By Christine Hassler

Is it possible to casually hook up or have sex without creating any kind of emotional response or a longing for attachment?

This is not a “one-size-fits-all” question. For the purpose of this post, I am going to speak mostly to the heterosexual ladies. So, let me get a little more specific: generally speaking, are women as able and likely as men are to have emotionless sexual experiences and still find them satisfying beyond just the in-the-moment physicality?

From my point of view, in 99% of the cases, the answer is no. I am defining “a casual hookup” as having sex or any sexual encounter beyond good old-fashioned making out with someone whom you have no mutual emotional connection or established relationship with. It’s the guy you just met who is super cute, confident and ultra-flirty. He says things to you that sound so good you intuitively know he’s had a lot of practice saying them to other girls. Or the guy you may have known for a while who only texts you to see if you want to “hang” but has never asked you out on a real date. Or the guy who you’ve had a major crush on despite the fact that he is unavailable in some way but you just cannot deny the chemistry. Or it could even be the guy you’ve been on a couple dates with and by now feel obligated to “put out” more.

Most women are not able to have casual hookups without getting their hearts involved or having any follow up expectations. Why?

Let’s start with basic biology. When we have any kind of physical exchange with a guy from cuddling to having sex, we release the bonding hormone oxytocin. When we release oxytocin, we start to feel more emotionally bonded to whomever triggered it. If you think you are totally capable of having a meaningless romp or really aren’t into the guy, oxytocin may change everything! Even if you really have no interest in seeing him again, chances are you still will want to hear from him just to have proof that it wasn’t totally meaningless. And if you had any interest in him pre hook-up, oxytocin will leave you longing for more. You will probably be checking your phone incessantly the next day for a text with a winky face and find yourself distracted by thoughts of him. This is painfully natural.

Our desire to connect emotionally is amplified when we have connected physically because of the hormonal change in our brain AND because we are emotional creatures — which is something to be cherished, celebrated and respected!

When a woman engages in a casual sexual encounter and does not ask for what she wants, stop what she doesn’t want or feels rejected in any way, she is likely to experience what I call a post-hookup hangover. This hangover stems from having a surge of bonding hormones pumping through your body without having anyone to bond to. You may feel disappointment, sadness, anger, guilt and/or shame because a ton of oxytocin has been released without any kind of emotional connection present with the other person to be a container for it.

I’ve heard a lot of “day after” stories. I see a lot of pain and upset around feeling rejected after being so vulnerable, and anytime you get naked with someone, you are vulnerable! If you relate to this, I want to tell you that you didn’t do anything wrong. Regret and self-criticism are only going to make you feel worse.

Women who are consciously walking on a spiritual path (like you!) are even more susceptible to the post-hookup hangover. When we work to become more aware, we become more open and connected. A large part of our spiritual growth is about taking down the walls that have perpetuated a sense of disconnection. We naturally become more sensitive and our ability to check out decreases. So, if you do feel more open and expansive, it is very likely that you are going to feel a desire to connect on an emotional level with the person that you are connecting with on a physical level. Physical and sexual intimacy can be an amazing part of our spiritual life if we approach it consciously and choose to engage with people that are willing and able to meet us at the level we are at. Otherwise, it can just feel empty and meaningless and honestly, is it really worth it?

Perhaps you draw the line at having casual sex, but consider whether drawing it even sooner could be an act of self-love and self-honoring. Rethink your boundaries and consider how your choices with men are affecting you and contributing to the type of men you are attracting. The next time you are about to get horizontal with someone, please ask yourself these things:

1. Am I just doing this because I think it’s time to or because he seems really into me and I don’t want him to lose interest?

2. Am I doing this hoping it leads to a relationship?

3. Am I engaging in a casual hookup to prove something to myself or someone else?

4. What are my boundaries and do I state them and honor them?

5. Am I doing things that I really don’t want to do or don’t feel good?

6. Am I allowing him to lead and maneuver through a bunch of moves rather than really being in tune with me/my body?

7. Am I more focused on performing or pleasing him rather than on my own physical pleasure?

8. Will I be totally OK and not disappointed AT ALL if I don’t hear from him tomorrow or ever again?

Be honest with yourself. I totally get that when hormones start firing (and especially if you add any kind of alcohol into the mix), your mind is not always that clear. Trust that the guy who is truly your match will go at your pace. Please discard any limiting beliefs that there is some “putting out” timeline that you are supposed to adhere to other than your own inner voice. Wait for the guy who takes you out on real dates, asks you questions about your life and remembers that you really love Diet Dr. Pepper.

All that said…. there are two conditions in which casual hooking up could be possible without the hangover:

The first is when a woman is 100% comfortable and empowered in her own sexuality, totally asks for what she wants and honors her boundaries, has zero expectations and is not looking for a relationship of any kind. The second is when the guy is WAY more into her than she is into him. If a woman feels smothered by a guy she does not really like all that much, she is more likely to chalk it up to a good time and move on. Both of these situations are rare. More often, I see women regretting casual hookups when they attempted to convince themselves they were OK with it (when they weren’t).

Ladies, your body is sacred and your sexuality is an extension of your Spirit. Both are here for you to enjoy and express in ways that feel nourishing and pleasurable. Your heart is connected to your sexuality, so when you open yourself up sexually, know that you are putting your sweet, loving and tender heart on the line. My encouragement to you is to explore ways to experience sensuality and express your sexuality in ways that don’t make you feel bad about yourself! Have fun, date, flirt and make a commitment to be self-honoring and authentic when it comes to hooking up.

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