Category: Single Black Women

7 Reasons I Don’t Post About My Relationships On Social Media

People always ask me who am I dating and why am I not married yet. Usually these questions are accompanied with the connotation that something must be wrong with me since I am still single. The reality is my real reality isn’t posted all over social media.

I’ve dated, been in a relationship, had my heartbroken and went through an ugly custody battle all without sharing any of it on social media.

The most challenging part about it is being with someone who you truly love and care about that doesn’t understand why you don’t profess your love for them on social media. It seems like in 2014, people value what you do on social media more so than what you do in real life!

In my experience posting about your relationship only causes a lot of issues, here are the first seven I could think of. Feel free to leave any I forgot to mention below.

1. It gives haters and frenemies an opportunity to “prey” on your significant other – Once you upload an “usie” and you’ve tagged your “bae” your followers go follow and friend request your new boo. Now they are looking through photos of him/her making an assessment of who they are, trying to find something bad to say about them and finally some may go to the extent of flirting with them online to try and get them to engage!

2. It makes public what is meant to be private – In my opinion romance is one of those things that is meant to be private! Of course, to each their own, but it just seems that once you change your relationship status the force of Facebook is against you.

3. It promotes drama! Yes the drama, it gets deep and messy! – Even if you only have a few Facebook friends, You never know who is friends with your Facebook friends or who might take a screenshot of something you post and share it. I knew Facebook was a hot mess when I seen an old friend from my childhood posting photos with my friend from high school’s baby daddy. I didn’t pick up the phone to talk about it but later on in my timeline the two girls were going back and forth! Needless to say, if she would have kept her relationship off of Facebook they may have made it! #DoinTooMuch

4. It invites your ex’s into your new relationship – Once you put your new relationship online your ex’s are bound to catch wind. Yea, of course you may want to rub it in their face especially if you’re doing better. But do you really want your ex inboxing your new significant other? Do you really want to taint your new relationship with that type of negativity and chaos?

5. It can cause a competitive element in your relationship – A friend of mine got into an argument with his girlfriend because she claimed he didn’t post as many pictures of them together on his page as she did. Really?

6. It can harm your following – If the primary use of your page is to promote your career (like mine) your supporters may have mixed feelings about you posting “usies” with your new boyfriend or girlfriend. I have even seen up and coming artists and athletes lose followers over this. Let’s just be honest, especially for artists, a lot of your fans don’t care to see all of that mushy stuff!

7. It creates a major dilemma if you break up – Do you keep the pics up or do you take them down? Now you have a permanent online footprint that you were with this person. How do you explain them to the next person you are with (trust they will ask about them!) and finally, how tacky is it to showcase your new relationship every 6-12months? What? I’m just sayin’

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*Article originally published on Georgia’s Juice.

Are Women The ‘New Men’?

Are men becoming the “new women”?

With so many women out of the home & in the workforce making more than ever before it brings into question how important marriage really is to women. Why sacrifice your career, your youth & your emotions just to get hurt by a man who may cheat on you, make less money or not value what you bring to the table? Grant it, there are still SOME good men out there but if more & more women aren’t seeing the value in marriage, then what good does that do for any of us?  I think it’s up to the men to make marriage appealing to women again, otherwise we are ALL in trouble!

Read below & share your thoughts in the comment section –

Some revolutions happen in a single day; others over decades. The rise of the voluntarily single woman has been happening in Western societies slowly, over time, concomitant with well-paying jobs, legal protection from economic or physical abuse, reliable birth control and the possibility of fulfilling careers and adventures.

Women are marrying at a later age these days, cohabiting with their partners or going in and out of short-term relationships without ever walking down the aisle.

Currently, 53% of women over 18 are in the singles column. Put another way, women now have choices that allow them to customize the arc of their lives and some of them find that it is best for them to put marriage aside.

Is this natural? Is this bad? Is this cause for alarm?

We have long counted on women’s sacrifices and the compromises they’ve made to lift societies all over the world. We are worried that if women delay or forgo marriage, the all-important family unit will suffer.

As much as I admire happy couples and families, I think this may be one of the few times in history when so many women could choose from such a full range of life choices without penalty or stigma. Since few people “have it all,” why not choose being single if that’s the best option?

What it comes down to is people get married when it’s a good deal. The question is why isn’t marriage a good deal anymore? Here are some considerations.

1. A useless husband

If a woman is poor and only meets equally poor or poorer men, she’s in a tough spot. It is no secret that many women do not choose to marry if the available partners will make their economic situation worse.

In some of these cases, even if a woman has a child, she may be better off with government help than a nonworking, noninvolved husband.

2. Success changes everything

When a woman is very privileged or highly successful, marriage could come very easily — or not. Think of the likes of Elizabeth Taylor, who was married eight times. Or Oprah Winfrey, who for personal or professional reasons, is not married.

Moreover, a woman doesn’t need a husband who is a high-powered corporate attorney if she is a high-powered corporate attorney. Taking advantage of economic and professional opportunities could be undermined by committing to a partner with an equally ambitious, or different, life agenda. This kind of woman may wake up every day to new and exciting challenges and think, “best to wait.”

3. Unwilling to make traditional compromises

A woman who doesn’t want to settle for cooking and cleaning and being the primary parent that society prefers. She is not meeting guys who want the kind of woman she is.

4. The marriage penalty tax

Some women are in an income bracket where marriage inflicts economic costs. She would have to pay more taxes if she marries someone who earns approximately what she makes or more.

5. Avoiding cheating men

A few years ago when I was in China, I had a conversation with some very beautiful female Chinese TV personalities about their personal life. I asked them why they were single and if they wanted to get married.

The three women all said they didn’t want to marry because “the men of our class will all expect to have mistresses, and it is better not to marry than have to put up with that.” I have no idea if this was an exaggeration or not — but they believed it.

6. Waiting for the “one”

These women wait for the perfect guy, or the guy who they would fall in love with and love them back just as much. If that man doesn’t come along, they prefer to go alone. As women get pickier, more factors enter into the marriage equation.

They may find someone who doesn’t quite go the distance even after years of dating. They cohabit with someone and it doesn’t work out. Singlehood, never intentional, becomes a fact. But they will not marry just to marry as their mothers or grandmothers might have.

In social psychology, there is a classic theory called “exchange theory.” It is a bit cold-blooded, but it predicts that a person’s actions will be based on trying to find a balance of give and get. Each person’s resources — of all kinds, including money, looks, background — are traded back and forth for a “good deal.” For example, a “good deal” scenario could be a woman who makes an excellent living pairing up with a man who is a writer and is willing to work at home and be the primary child care person.

When women’s life choices were highly constrained, they had little negotiating power. They had to marry or were seen as damaged. A few got away with being “free spirits” but usually they were exceptional in wealth or lineage — and even so, it wasn’t easy.

It’s different now. While most women still want marriage, they don’t want it at just any price. They don’t want it if it scuttles their dreams. Marriage is not dead — not by a long shot. It is still, to most of us, the house we wish to build for our love, our lover and our children.

But women want to craft a life instead of having it pressed upon them. And that means some of us will be single for a long time, and some of us will be single for life.

Begg

*Article originally written by Dr. Pepper Schwartz on CNN.

It’s Not Who You Know; It’s Who You Are: Advice From One Woman to Another (Part 1)

  1. Expect the best – This is what you deserve! It’s easy to hold on to old baggage from a previous relationship. But all of that should be left in the past – right where it belongs. Know that the next person you date will have their own baggage & will expect the best out of you as well.
  2. Don’t chase a man; allow him to chase you – Men are naturally inclined to be the “hunters”. They enjoy chasing so you’re not doing them any favors by taking that away from them. I know some men may say they like an aggressive woman, but at the end of the day if he’s a REAL man, then as the hunter, he should NEVER want to be the hunted.
  3. Let a man know you are not JUST girlfriend material but actual, wife material – A man should be able to tell this about you right away. How do you dress? How do you carry yourself? How do you treat not just him, but others around you? Setting this standard in the beginning will save you time because he will know that you are not into dating someone who isn’t interested in marriage.
  4. Don’t deal with a cheap man – Men who are cheap need to be shipped to an island somewhere where they don’t have to spend any money & can hunt and forage for everything that they need. If a man is cheap now while you’re dating then he will be cheap during your marriage & who wants that? No one, that’s who!
  5. Don’t deal with a man who doesn’t have his stuff together – Enough said.
  6. Don’t live with a man who hasn’t given you a ring – The old adage “why buy the cow when the milk is free” still rings true even today. Even if you truly believe that you ARE wife material, why settle by playing “wifey”? There is a BIG difference between playing house & actually building a life together. After all, you wouldn’t go to your job and do the work without being hired, would you?!
  7. Learn as much as you can about as many things as you can – In this technology era, there is no reason why you can’t find out something about any & every topic there is out there. Not only can you now just “google it”, you have infographics, images, and even videos to clearly explain whatever it is that you don’t know. No one expects you to have the whole dictionary memorized but most men do find smart women to be very attractive.
  8. Treasure your girlfriends – Good girlfriends are hard to come by. So make sure you let your friends know how much you appreciate them. Be sure to celebrate their birthdays, promotions or any big events in their life. Basically, let them know that you are there for them.
  9. Put something in your name – A real woman should own something, whether it’s a car, a house or even just one stock. Every grownup (man & woman) should have their government name on at least one possession during their lifetime.
  10. Learn one signature dish – Ladies, every man likes to eat even if he doesn’t eat a lot. A good woman should have at least 1 good dish she can prepare well. There isn’t anyone who doesn’t appreciate a woman who can “burn” in the kitchen (in the good sense, that is!).
  11. Stay current with the news – There is so much going on today in the world, our country & even in our own backyards. It doesn’t hurt to stay on top of it because you’ll come across as more intelligent and you’ll also be able to contribute, or even better, initiate conversation on current events.
  12. It doesn’t hurt to know a little something about sports either – Ladies, football season is upon us! Learn about the sport by studying the teams, the team colors (I always get them confused), the coaches and the star players. Don’t have a clue on where to begin? Click on Oprah’s website to start learning. Touchdown!
  13. Take care of yourself – Aging is automatic but aging gracefully is not.
  14. Make sure you look good every time you leave the house – You just never know who you might run into. It could be an old co-worker, a longtime friend you haven’t seen in a while, your arch-enemy, or worse yet – your ex!
  15. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind – Last but not least, say what you feel. Why do you think I started this blog?! Anyone who can’t handle how you really feel isn’t meant for you. BE YOURSELF!

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Men, do you have any advice for single women? Married women, do you think I missed anything here? If so, please share in the comments below. Also if you liked what you read, please share via on Facebook or Twitter using the ‘Share” buttons below. Thanks –

What Women Really Want: 10 Traits Men Have That Make Them The Whole Package

As a matchmaker, it’s my job to meet droves of women to get a sense of who they are and what they want in a partner. I can find out more from them in five minutes than most would learn in five dates! Most women think they know what they want, but they really don’t.

If you ask a woman what she’s looking for in a man, she’ll tell you she wants someone tall, dark and handsome. If you look at her relationship history, however, you’ll see that’s not always true.

Men are visual; they fall in love through their eyes. They’re shallow and superficial. Sorry, guys; you know it’s the truth. Women, on the other hand, fall in love through their ears. We care more about the whole package; we value a man’s personality and how he treats us.

I’m here to tell you that looks aren’t so important to all women. Yes, a man’s physical appearance is important to some ladies, but most women want more than that.

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A nice looking man who is in good shape, dresses well and possesses all of the below characteristics is what we really want! Take a look:

1. Kind And Caring

Women want a man who is kind and caring. We want someone who will be our best friend, a partner and an equal. Above all, we want someone who makes us feel good.


2. Brains, Brains, Brains

Intelligence is sexy and smart men simply captivate women. Whether it’s informing us about the newest restaurant opening or teaching us something we didn’t know about baseball, we like someone from whom we can learn. Women enjoy feeling enlightened.


3. Sense Of Humor

Being funny makes men more attractive to women. There’s no science to it; it’s just a fact. One hundred percent of women appreciate a man who is witty. If you can make a woman laugh, she’ll almost always think you’re awesome.


4. Confidence

Women like men who are confident. When you’re sure of yourself and your actions reflect it, women will be naturally drawn to you. Women are attracted to men who know they’re great.


5. Charisma

Charisma is defined as having swagger, being spunky and possessing a certain je ne sais crois, or just not being “vanilla.”

Whichever definition you prefer, all women love a charming man. When you have a big personality, women find you irresistible.


6. Balance

Leading a balanced lifestyle is important. Women enjoy dating a man who can do it all. We want to date someone who can prioritize his job, family, friends and a relationship.

We’re drawn to men who make time for us and who show us that we’re an essential part of their lives.


7. Good Listener

A man who is a good listener is a true catch. Because women are more emotional than men, we love to share. We can talk for hours.

We have tons of stories to tell and we want you to listen to all of them. If you can listen to a woman, and I mean genuinely listen, pat yourself on the back.


8. Thoughtfulness

Thoughtful men are enticing for women. Being thoughtful doesn’t mean whisking us away to Miami on a third date, either. Although we’d certainly love that, it isn’t necessary! Rather, being thoughtful means showing us that you care.

If we mention we love a certain restaurant, surprise us and plan a date there. If we say we love a particular flower, bring us flowers on the next date. If we tell you we’re eager to see a specific movie or play, get tickets and take us. A man who’s considerate is very sexy.


9. Go With The Flow

We want to date someone we can bring anywhere. If we’re at a business dinner, we want to date a man who can go with the flow and be fancy. When clients invite us to a box at a sports game, we want to date someone who can keep up with the lingo.

Quite simply, we enjoy dating men who can be comfortable in any situation.


10. Presentable

Being put together and looking presentable is essential. Women want to date men who are well dressed. A nice outfit can make men so much more attractive! I’m a sucker for a man in a nice suit or button down with a sweater.

If you’re well dressed and put together, you’re showing the world that you value yourself and your appearance. Ultimately, women want to fall in love. We want someone who makes us feel special and important.

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*Article originally posted on Elite Daily.

Is There A Strong Black Woman Trapped Inside Of Every White One?

Lifetime’s new show Girlfriend Intervention is not subtle about its message. Its premise is four black women giving a makeover to a white woman on the theory that, as they put it, “Trapped inside of every white girl is a strong black woman ready to bust out.”

They don’t even have to say “weak white girl” or “lame white girl” or “ugly white girl” or “unfashionable white girl” or “boring white girl,” because all those things are, before long, implied.

The four makeover makers are Tracy Balan on beauty, Nikki Chu on “home and sanctuary,” Tiffiny Dixon on fashion, and many-many-many-time reality star Tanisha Thomas (most notably of Oxygen’s Bad Girls Club) as your — this is real — “soul coach.” Thomas lays out her philosophy early in the first episode, saying that black women are taught that no matter what else is going on in your life, “as long as you look fabulous, that’s all that matters.” On the other hand, she says, “with Caucasian women, you get married, you marry the man of your dreams, you have his children, and now it’s time to stop taking care of you? Girl, I missed that memo.”

Are you a black woman? You might find this offensive. Are you a white woman? You might find this offensive. Are you neither? You might be thinking at this point that you’re lucky to be left out of the entire thing. (Be aware, though, that no one is safe. Near the end of the first episode, Thomas exaggeratedly compliments the hotness of the made-over white woman by yelling, “Muy caliente, salsa picante mucho!”)

Like so much of makeover television, this is shaming dressed up as encouragement (they actually call the segment where the makeover candidate shows them how she currently dresses the “catwalk of shame”). It’s conformity dressed up as individuality, and it’s submission to the expectations of others dressed up as self-confidence.

Only now, with obnoxious racial politics slathered all over the entire thing!

It is not like those politics need to be introduced by the viewer, either: They are the premise of the show, and they are repeated over and over. Black women, we are told in so many words, are unerringly confident, gorgeous, stylish, unflappable, and — ah, yes — better at pleasing men, especially black men. In the first episode, the target, Joanie, has a good-looking black husband, which the women make clear makes sloppy dressing a worse crime than it would be otherwise. “A black woman would never let herself go with a man like that,” the soul consultant announces. The second episode, in fact, also features a woman, Emily, whose partner is a black man. “Now, I know there’s a hot mama hidden in Emily. After all, she got a black man!” says Tracy.

(By the way, just when you think the show can’t get more awkward, the second episode brings a moment in which Emily explains that she met her husband when she reached out and, fascinated, touched his hair. Do we need to talk about how one does not do that? One does not do that. This goes unmentioned.)

Black women are also presented as more fundamentally honest. Your white friends are lying to you: “With Caucasian women, everybody’s afraid to say how they really feel.” Your new black friends, on the other hand, are here to save the day: We are told that they “have the guts to tell you what everybody is really thinking.” But they’re not mean! “We do it out of love. Tough love, as a sister to another sister.”

All of this is overtly about the manipulation of identity. It is made clear from the beginning that dressing in the way these consultants suggest is, to them, fundamental to being truly black if you’re black, and to bringing out your inner black woman (who is presumed to be superior to your outer white woman) if you are white. The fashion consultant, as she observes Joanie’s clothes, says, “No self-respecting black woman would ever hide herself in this if she wants to keep her black card.” And the hits go on and on: In the second episode, Emily is taken to a studio to rap. And she’s given a gold chain. And a hoodie. For the empowerment, you know.

On this show, all toughness, and in fact all showing of spine among women, is associated with being black, as we learn when Joanie shoots one of the consultants an unhappy look about an unflattering outfit in which they’ve placed her, and they immediately seize upon how easy it was to bring out her “black woman.” With all due respect to these particular four women, I learned the throwing of a proper stink-eye from my mother, thank you very much, and I would put my stink-eye up against anyone’s.

The casually insulting way these consultants approach their white … clients? … is unappealing, certainly, but the show’s approach to the consultants themselves, and to black women in general, is hugely problematic, too. The black women on Girlfriend Intervention, like the gay men who did the work on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, are supposedly being saluted for their (stereotypically) superior style and knowledge and backbone, but are cast as helpers and facilitators for the benefit of, respectively, white women and straight men, valued for what they can offer and required to display sass at all times in sufficient amounts. (Among other things, it’s unfortunate that other than Thomas being the loudest, they don’t much distinguish the four stylists from each other, either.)

Popular entertainment targeted to white women is thick with obnoxiously other-ish fairy godpeople: the gay friend, the keeping-it-real black friend, the Latina neighbor, the wise black boss. There’s always some earthier, real-er, truer person whose task it is to flutter around to provide perspective, to fix what’s broken, and often to embarrass you for your foolishness. This is problematic for white women who don’t care to be cast as badly dressed, helpless dummies who need constant life coaching, but it’s no better for black women who don’t care to be cast as flashy-dressing, finger-waving, fast-talking fixers whose mission is making Cinderella presentable for the ball, or for gay men who don’t care to be asked to tag along on shopping trips.

It’s not your black friend’s job to tell you how to believe in yourself and keep your man (the concept of not having a man one is desperate to keep is seemingly foreign to the interventionists); it’s not your gay friend’s job to style you. Friendship is not quite so transactional.

(It must be said, too, that one of the show’s challenges is a simple and serious one: at least in the first couple of episodes, the woman doesn’t look very good or very comfortable in the things they choose for her. It’s one thing to be in charge of sewing Cinderella’s dress, but if she looked better when she was cleaning out the fireplace, you have a problem.)

What makes this particularly disappointing as a Lifetime show is that Lifetime is a network that has actually tried to appeal to more diverse audiences, as NPR’s Priska Neely reported just last month. It’s entirely possible, moreover, that there’s a good show to be made in which black women and white women talk about beauty, confidence, self-care, and how they may see and experience some of those things differently. There’s such a thing as the politics and emotional weight of hair, of style, of body image. But you don’t get there by appointing black women as essentially beauty and style assistants to white women they treat like dolts.

Speaking personally, I walked away unconvinced that I have an inner black woman. I probably have an inner white woman who’s more confident than the outer one. I probably have an inner white woman who’s better at dressing myself, and I probably have an inner white woman who’s better at interior decorating. I definitely have an inner white woman who wears better shoes. But no matter what women I manage to raise from within, they will all be white women. Nothing I say, nothing I do with my hair, no color I put on my walls, will make that any less true. And frankly, I feel neither entitled nor required to act otherwise.

Black woman

*Article originally published on NPR.