Category: Relationships

These Are The 5 Things You Should Do After Being Ghosted

Snapchat took over our phones by storm a few years ago and has had an unprecedented affect on the dating norms of our generation. Ghosting has become a ubiquitous conversation topic during Sunday brunch; nearly all of my girlfriends and many of my clients (I’m a professional matchmaker) have experienced this phenomenon.

For the lucky few who have yet to experience it, ghosting happens when a couple goes out on several dates, text daily and then one day — seemingly out of nowhere — that potential boyfriend abruptly stops texting, calling and making any contact via social media. All contact ceases. The woman is left perplexed and seeks my guidance to discuss what to do, what went wrong and how to ensure that kind of cruel and unusual punishment will never happen again. Here is a step-by-step guide to help you deal with being ghosted:

1. Get closure.

It is important to give this dud one last shot to explain. Maybe he was sent on a special trip for his job for the past week that banned any kind of phone usage. Or maybe, his grandmother passed away. Or, his brother’s friend’s uncle’s cousin needed a kidney transplant.

In times of a ghosting situation, it is best to give this guy the benefit of the doubt without jumping to conclusions. When we surveyed our eligible bachelors on how they would like a woman to react when they suspect that they have been ghosted, the majority of men suggested texting him a quick non-judgmental, “Hey! Is everything OK?”

2. Allow him to repent.

Allow him two days to get himself together and realize that his behavior was distasteful and relationship ending. If he wants to continue developing a relationship with you, make it clear that you have standards of treatment. This, however, does not mean instructing the guy to text you five times a day with two phone calls a week and three Skype calls a month.

If he has dated in the past century, he knows basic etiquette for courting communication, and if he doesn’t, run because he is either seriously socially challenged or not ready for a mature relationship. If he truly was bonked down with some major family, work, friend issue, you can give him a pass with the right kind of repentance. This is where the big gesture comes into play.

The big gesture depends on you. What does he need to do for you to feel comfortable continuing to date him? Must he come to your apartment window with a boom box on his shoulder begging for you to go back to him? Must he send you flowers to make up for his disappearing act? Does a simple, “I’m sorry” text do the job?

Does he need to pull a Beiber and write a song about missing more than just your body? You be the judge of it darling. He can only have you if you want him back. But remember: If you accept crumbs, you’ll end up in a crumby relationship. Why would you accept crumbs when you can have a whole, luscious cupcake?

3. Be honest with yourself.

Although being ghosted seemingly comes out of nowhere, women tend to put their blinders on when they meet a new man who they think has an iota of potential. Many women — especially during the holiday season — yearn for a Christmas tree boyfriend and are willing to subconsciously overlook a variety of red flags. He may have brought you out on several dates, but did you really feel like he was your soulmate?

You must come to terms with the reality of the majority of ghosting situations. This man’s way of dealing with an issue was dropping off the face of the universe and halting contact with you. Is this really the kind of man you want to be the father of your children? Do you want to be married to a man who bolts when things get tough or uncertain? I’m going to go out on a whim and say no way

Communication is the foundation of any relationship, especially a romantic relationship. If you didn’t feel comfortable reaching out to this man during the ghosting period — or if you did and got no response — your discomfort in the matter speaks volumes. Let it be your guide.

Although I encourage the woman to allow the man to generally be the initiator of conversation via text, after a certain amount of time spent with the man, the woman should also feel free to initiate without the fear of seeming desperate or needy. Healthy communication is vital to the longevity of a relationship. There is a fine line between playing hard to get and being a douchebag.

4. Mourn his death.

Although this may seem a bit extreme, I am a firm believer that women should simply have the mindset that he was just not that into you. Although this may sound a bit delusional, the latter way of thinking (highly publicized from the blockbuster book and movie) puts a negative spin on things.

You are fabulous honey, of course he’s into you. It is important to understand that ghosting is not a testament to how gorgeous, witty and lovely you are. Instead, this guy is simply not right for the fierce woman you are. In other words, he just died. I encourage a full-blown funeral for this man, complete with a cremation ceremony for the vintage bracelet he gave you on your fourth date (your fireplace will do) to allow his spirit to rest in peace.

Of course, we do not actually want to wish this guy any harm, but it is vital to also ghost him out of your life. Delete his number, unfollow him on Instagram, unfriend him on Facebook and stop including him in your group Snapchats. May he and his entire social media persona rest in peace.

5. Build a bridge, and get over it.

You deserve better. Every woman deserves a man who is excited to contact her no matter how busy work or life gets. You deserve a man who will treasure his interactions with you and will look forward to your texts as much as you look forward to his. You deserve a man who incorporates you into his daily life with no prompting or plotting on your part. Own the fact that you are a fabulous vixen who has the ability to bring any man to his knees.

Mope, then cope. Be the star of your own life, go out with your girlfriends and find a man who would rather cuddle by the fireplace then disappear in six seconds.

This article was originally published on Matchmakers In The City.

 

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Wise Reactions to Criticism

How should we face the upsetting comments of other people? What is the right response to criticism?

 

First, when criticism arises, maintain a quiet spirit. Do not become defensive or loud, and restrain any outburst, though that may feel right at the moment. Some people will use the excuse, “I just have a short fuse. That’s how God made me.” This is a poor argument; we can’t blame the Lord when we fail to control our own bad temper. Such responses are unhelpful, unhealthy, and unacceptable.

 

Second, we should not attempt to defend ourselves immediately. Pride, not genuine honesty and reflection, usually motivates this response. Whenever possible, it’s wise to allow time for the initial shock and irritation to pass before offering any defenses or theories.

 

Third—and this is a tough one—we must ask the Holy Spirit to show us if the problem is our fault. Are the accusations true? Is it possible that a loving friend was led by God to reveal something unpleasant about us? We do not like to think that we are ever wrong; however, we know that as sinful men and women, we cannot be right all of the time. For this reason, there is always a chance that a conflict in our lives may actually be our fault. When people care enough to confront us in this way, we should be gracious about receiving and considering their perspective.

 

The Lord often speaks to us through other people. If He is trying to communicate something to you through a brother or sister in Christ, challenge yourself to be open to His message—even if it hurts.

 

*Originally published on In Touch Ministries, Inc.

ISO: Head of Household

My parents have been married for over 30 years. Correction: My biological parents have been married for over 30 years. Although their marriage hasn’t been perfect and I’m sure there were times when one or both of them wanted to call it quits, they were committed to their marriage. They were committed to their commitment. And that’s exactly what I want in my mate.

Unfortunately, coming from a two-parent home seems to be a rarity these days (especially within the African American community and there are various reasons for that, all of which will have to go into another posting). Because of this it seems that a lot of men are not equipped for marriage, let alone to be a good husband or father. Now of course, there are some exceptions to this rule (President Barack Obama, for instance) but for the most part in order to be a good leader, you need a good example of leadership.

Sure, it’s nice to have a strong male example around like a grandfather or an uncle. But an example is not the same as the real thing. That’s like saying a substitute teacher is just as good as a regular teacher. While both might be good at teaching, it is always best for the students to have their full time teacher in the classroom.

Now don’t think I’m saying that having a bad father in the home is better than no father at all. But the argument for having a bad father in the home is that you can at least see what not to do. In other words, you are able to see how to overcome adversity when the strife is right in front of you. People always say that it’s not healthy for children to see their parents argue. But if you’ve never seen your mother & father argue and then make up, how can you possibly know how to handle arguments as the head of your own household? Yes, you don’t have to see an argument to know how to handle one, but it’s always better to learn by example rather than by trial & error.

Men like to think that they have so much to lose when they get married. But as a woman I have to give up a lot as well, particularly letting a man take over my household. I want a man who knows what he is doing. And if a man has never seen an example of how to lead how can I trust that he will know how to lead our household?

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When Is It Time To Give Up On Love?

I know that you can fall in love at any time during your life, but what if that time never comes?

Can you really go your entire life without meeting “the one?” Some would argue that everyone gets at least one chance at love but may miss out for one reason or another (for instance, the timing just wasn’t right, etc.). Is it possible that we can have true love right in front of us and not realize? Or perhaps we just rationalize that it was never really love to begin with.

I’m not sold on the idea that you need to be in love to have a successful marriage (that’ll be another post, for another day). But I am starting to wonder whether or not it’s worth holding out for love to get married. I think that marriage is more about compatibility than anything else. So if I meet someone that I’m completely compatible with but don’t love why wouldn’t I consider marrying that person? I can’t tell the future (of course), but I’m willing to bet that it’ll be a lot easier to find someone that I’m compatible with versus someone that I truly love.

So with that line of thinking, I sometimes wonder if it’s best to just give up on finding love. Plus, everyone wasn’t meant to be married. There are more women on this earth than men and from what I hear it gets harder to meet someone the older you get. With all of these things working against women, maybe it is a waste of time to think that we’ll find true love.

Now, I’m not saying I’m ready to crawl into a cave just yet but in the back of my mind I wonder if I’m wasting my time hoping for something that will never come…..

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Girlfriends ARE Sexier Than Wives

This is an interesting article that I read this morning, written by Gina B. from Six Brown Chicks. I must say that I agree with her wholeheartedly. Of course, sexy is in the eye of the beholder but you can’t argue that once you’re married the “chase” is gone. There are many, many benefits to marriage but the element of keeping it sexy is easier without the “burden” of being a wife.

Maintaining your sexiness takes work after you get married and is probably less of a priority than when you were single. When you throw children into the mix, a mortgage and other family needs, things like shaving your legs everyday or wearing lingerie to bed usually take a backseat. I’m all for keeping things hot and perhaps the definition of sexy changes once you get married, but you can’t disagree that it is easier to keep it sexy because you want to, not because you have to.

Read the article below –

               Wife Versus Girlfriend — Who Is Sexier?

I’ve been in a relationship for a while now, which means that everyone demands to know when we’re getting married.  Oddly, that question bothers my boyfriend FAR less than it annoys me.  I avoid the question for a few reasons.  First, my decision to change my marital status is nobody’s business.  And if I’m being honest? I don’t think that the concept of being a wife is all that sexy.

To be clear . . . I’m not talking about women who choose to be the girlfriend, as in “other woman.”  I’m referring to a monogamous relationship where there is a consideration to make the transition from girlfriend to wife.

My opinion has been shaped by watching good friends and colleagues evolve from single to married, and how their lives and perceptions of their spouses have changed over the years.

My theory is unsettling to several people – especially the couples who disagree, and those whose lifelong ambitions have been to say “I do.”  But before becoming offended, I invite you to really think about it.

Here are the differences, as I see them:

Girlfriends are fun.  When a man goes public with a girlfriend, everyone is happy for him.  “Finally!”  they exclaim, “he has someone to have fun with, who’s good for him.”  If they like her, his friends will be excited to witness the relationship unfold and see where it leads.  The couple hangs out together and they play together — all efforts to get to know each other and maximize their experiences.  It’s very exciting and suspenseful – especially for the couples’ family and friends, who are voyeuristically sitting back with bowls of popcorn, watching, wondering and making suppositions as to whether or not the couple will “make it.”

Wives are serious.  Wives run households and take care of all of the people who reside within the four walls of their homes.  Wives have responsibilities and they sacrifice.   There’s no mystery.  The couple has crossed the marital finish line, and it’s time to start building a life together.  In some cases, date nights have to be created to keep the spark.  Nothing to see here, folks.  Keep it moving.

Girlfriends are voluntary.  There’s nothing that keeps a man there, except that he wants to be there.  There are no legal obligations.  No fear of financial ruin.  In most cases, there are no children to remain for.   It’s pure desire.

Wives are perceived as obligation.  I really REALLY hate hearing a man refer to his wife as “the old ball and chain,” or complaining because his wife is keeping him from doing something he’d rather be doing.  Yet I hear those things all of the time.  I’d be a gazillionaire if I had a dollar for every time I heard “I can’t that night.  There’s an event that my wife is making me attend” or “I’d better not, or my wife will kill me.”  Unfortunately, I rarely hear a married man say “I can’t WAIT to get home to my wife.”

Girlfriends are keeping it sexy.  As a girlfriend, there are a few things you know for sure:  1) Your man can leave you at any time, so you have to maintain your hotness.  2) If he does leave you, you’ll need the ability to attract a new one.  Most girlfriends stay on their game.

Wives?  Well . . . according to several men, many women make a distinct shift after getting married.  There’s less of a commitment to sexiness, and the complaint is that the “girlfriend version” is much hotter than the “wife version.”

Girlfriends are pursued.   Men enjoy the hunt, and girlfriends are the prey.  Men are known to make grand gestures to further engage a woman.

Wives are no longer pursued.  Men aren’t interested in pursuing what they’ve already won.  I’ve known men to completely change their behavior and demeanor once they’ve “closed the deal.” (To be fair, men don’t typically pursue any girlfriend they’ve had over six months.)

Girlfriends are supposed to be treated like princesses, who are youthful and to be indulged.

Wives are the queens, and while that is a revered position, hers is a more stately and administrative role.

As far as sex is concerned?  Well . . . we’ve all heard the complaints that the frequency of married sex is WAY slower than dating sex.

Disclaimer – if you’ve been in a long-term relationship for several years, you might have defaulted to spouse status without the legal paperwork.

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The direct link to this article can be found here: (http://www.chicagonow.com/six-brown-chicks/2013/04/wife-versus-girlfriend-who-is-sexier)