Category: Dating

Wanna Make Him Swoon? Here’s How…

  • Ask him to teach you something – it really doesn’t matter what it is. Most men like to be empowered and when a woman defers to their knowledge or expertise it makes them feel “smart”. So even if you don’t think there is anything you can learn from your man, ask him for his help (especially if it involves him working with his hands).
  • Have an interest in sports – what man doesn’t watch sports? While you may not want to sit & watch the entire game with him, it wouldn’t hurt to know a little bit about his favorite sport. Ask questions, watch a game or two & maybe even wear some sports gear around him. It’ll make his day! 
  • Smile at him – men love it when women smile at them. It means they “did something right”, which always boosts a man’s ego. It also makes a woman look 100% better when she smiles.
  • Catch him by surprise – try something fun, like putting an ice cube down his back or squeezing him around the waist. These types of playful activities not only lighten up the mood, they also help create intimacy. Things can get stale in a relationship but when you are playful, he is more likely to be playful right back! 
  • Be friends with his friends – it’s always nice when different groups of friends can hang out together. Being comfortable hanging out with his friends & even getting to know them (and their girlfriends too) might actually show your man how into him you are.
  • Tease him – who likes to be teased?! No one, but when it’s done in jest (like when you stick your tongue out at him while he’s talking, or you have funny nicknames for each other) then it’s okay. Guys “tease” each other all the time, so when you do it to him he’ll just think you’re one of the guys. 
  • Nurse his wounds – contrary to popular opinion, men have feelings too. When a guy’s feelings get hurt or his ego is wounded, his woman should be the one to help make him feel better. Ladies, when he comes to you for comfort be there for him & he’ll want to continue to come back to you again & again for your support.

 

ISO: Head of Household

My parents have been married for over 30 years. Correction: My biological parents have been married for over 30 years. Although their marriage hasn’t been perfect and I’m sure there were times when one or both of them wanted to call it quits, they were committed to their marriage. They were committed to their commitment. And that’s exactly what I want in my mate.

Unfortunately, coming from a two-parent home seems to be a rarity these days (especially within the African American community and there are various reasons for that, all of which will have to go into another posting). Because of this it seems that a lot of men are not equipped for marriage, let alone to be a good husband or father. Now of course, there are some exceptions to this rule (President Barack Obama, for instance) but for the most part in order to be a good leader, you need a good example of leadership.

Sure, it’s nice to have a strong male example around like a grandfather or an uncle. But an example is not the same as the real thing. That’s like saying a substitute teacher is just as good as a regular teacher. While both might be good at teaching, it is always best for the students to have their full time teacher in the classroom.

Now don’t think I’m saying that having a bad father in the home is better than no father at all. But the argument for having a bad father in the home is that you can at least see what not to do. In other words, you are able to see how to overcome adversity when the strife is right in front of you. People always say that it’s not healthy for children to see their parents argue. But if you’ve never seen your mother & father argue and then make up, how can you possibly know how to handle arguments as the head of your own household? Yes, you don’t have to see an argument to know how to handle one, but it’s always better to learn by example rather than by trial & error.

Men like to think that they have so much to lose when they get married. But as a woman I have to give up a lot as well, particularly letting a man take over my household. I want a man who knows what he is doing. And if a man has never seen an example of how to lead how can I trust that he will know how to lead our household?

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When Is It Time To Give Up On Love?

I know that you can fall in love at any time during your life, but what if that time never comes?

Can you really go your entire life without meeting “the one?” Some would argue that everyone gets at least one chance at love but may miss out for one reason or another (for instance, the timing just wasn’t right, etc.). Is it possible that we can have true love right in front of us and not realize? Or perhaps we just rationalize that it was never really love to begin with.

I’m not sold on the idea that you need to be in love to have a successful marriage (that’ll be another post, for another day). But I am starting to wonder whether or not it’s worth holding out for love to get married. I think that marriage is more about compatibility than anything else. So if I meet someone that I’m completely compatible with but don’t love why wouldn’t I consider marrying that person? I can’t tell the future (of course), but I’m willing to bet that it’ll be a lot easier to find someone that I’m compatible with versus someone that I truly love.

So with that line of thinking, I sometimes wonder if it’s best to just give up on finding love. Plus, everyone wasn’t meant to be married. There are more women on this earth than men and from what I hear it gets harder to meet someone the older you get. With all of these things working against women, maybe it is a waste of time to think that we’ll find true love.

Now, I’m not saying I’m ready to crawl into a cave just yet but in the back of my mind I wonder if I’m wasting my time hoping for something that will never come…..

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Girlfriends ARE Sexier Than Wives

This is an interesting article that I read this morning, written by Gina B. from Six Brown Chicks. I must say that I agree with her wholeheartedly. Of course, sexy is in the eye of the beholder but you can’t argue that once you’re married the “chase” is gone. There are many, many benefits to marriage but the element of keeping it sexy is easier without the “burden” of being a wife.

Maintaining your sexiness takes work after you get married and is probably less of a priority than when you were single. When you throw children into the mix, a mortgage and other family needs, things like shaving your legs everyday or wearing lingerie to bed usually take a backseat. I’m all for keeping things hot and perhaps the definition of sexy changes once you get married, but you can’t disagree that it is easier to keep it sexy because you want to, not because you have to.

Read the article below –

               Wife Versus Girlfriend — Who Is Sexier?

I’ve been in a relationship for a while now, which means that everyone demands to know when we’re getting married.  Oddly, that question bothers my boyfriend FAR less than it annoys me.  I avoid the question for a few reasons.  First, my decision to change my marital status is nobody’s business.  And if I’m being honest? I don’t think that the concept of being a wife is all that sexy.

To be clear . . . I’m not talking about women who choose to be the girlfriend, as in “other woman.”  I’m referring to a monogamous relationship where there is a consideration to make the transition from girlfriend to wife.

My opinion has been shaped by watching good friends and colleagues evolve from single to married, and how their lives and perceptions of their spouses have changed over the years.

My theory is unsettling to several people – especially the couples who disagree, and those whose lifelong ambitions have been to say “I do.”  But before becoming offended, I invite you to really think about it.

Here are the differences, as I see them:

Girlfriends are fun.  When a man goes public with a girlfriend, everyone is happy for him.  “Finally!”  they exclaim, “he has someone to have fun with, who’s good for him.”  If they like her, his friends will be excited to witness the relationship unfold and see where it leads.  The couple hangs out together and they play together — all efforts to get to know each other and maximize their experiences.  It’s very exciting and suspenseful – especially for the couples’ family and friends, who are voyeuristically sitting back with bowls of popcorn, watching, wondering and making suppositions as to whether or not the couple will “make it.”

Wives are serious.  Wives run households and take care of all of the people who reside within the four walls of their homes.  Wives have responsibilities and they sacrifice.   There’s no mystery.  The couple has crossed the marital finish line, and it’s time to start building a life together.  In some cases, date nights have to be created to keep the spark.  Nothing to see here, folks.  Keep it moving.

Girlfriends are voluntary.  There’s nothing that keeps a man there, except that he wants to be there.  There are no legal obligations.  No fear of financial ruin.  In most cases, there are no children to remain for.   It’s pure desire.

Wives are perceived as obligation.  I really REALLY hate hearing a man refer to his wife as “the old ball and chain,” or complaining because his wife is keeping him from doing something he’d rather be doing.  Yet I hear those things all of the time.  I’d be a gazillionaire if I had a dollar for every time I heard “I can’t that night.  There’s an event that my wife is making me attend” or “I’d better not, or my wife will kill me.”  Unfortunately, I rarely hear a married man say “I can’t WAIT to get home to my wife.”

Girlfriends are keeping it sexy.  As a girlfriend, there are a few things you know for sure:  1) Your man can leave you at any time, so you have to maintain your hotness.  2) If he does leave you, you’ll need the ability to attract a new one.  Most girlfriends stay on their game.

Wives?  Well . . . according to several men, many women make a distinct shift after getting married.  There’s less of a commitment to sexiness, and the complaint is that the “girlfriend version” is much hotter than the “wife version.”

Girlfriends are pursued.   Men enjoy the hunt, and girlfriends are the prey.  Men are known to make grand gestures to further engage a woman.

Wives are no longer pursued.  Men aren’t interested in pursuing what they’ve already won.  I’ve known men to completely change their behavior and demeanor once they’ve “closed the deal.” (To be fair, men don’t typically pursue any girlfriend they’ve had over six months.)

Girlfriends are supposed to be treated like princesses, who are youthful and to be indulged.

Wives are the queens, and while that is a revered position, hers is a more stately and administrative role.

As far as sex is concerned?  Well . . . we’ve all heard the complaints that the frequency of married sex is WAY slower than dating sex.

Disclaimer – if you’ve been in a long-term relationship for several years, you might have defaulted to spouse status without the legal paperwork.

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The direct link to this article can be found here: (http://www.chicagonow.com/six-brown-chicks/2013/04/wife-versus-girlfriend-who-is-sexier)

How Much Is Still Not Enough?

So my girlfriend called me crying because the man she was dating doesn’t make enough money. I know what you’re thinking – who complains about how much money a man brings to the table unless they’re superficial? Well, when you have aspirations of being a stay at home wife & mother and you’re with someone whose finances can’t support that you’re not being superficial at all. You’re being realistic.

So how much money did this man make? I asked my friend exactly how low this man’s salary was and she told me that he only made $150,000 a year. Yes, only $150,000. At first I laughed (at my friend) for being so ridiculous. But then I really thought about it. To a lot of people, that may seem like a lot of money. And considering that the median household income in this country is around $50,000, a $150,000 salary is a lot. But is it enough?

You see my friend is a highly educated, attractive, down-to-earth woman with a career of her own. Her dream has always been to build her career but slow things down after getting married. She has wants to trade her briefcase for an apron after settling down. She has also maintained that she does not want a life where she has to “settle” or sacrifice just to be a stay-at-home mother. With that said, it is very important that she find someone who can support her current lifestyle and still have enough income to raise a family.  Not to mention that she lives in Los Angeles where the cost of living is extraordinarily high (the average house costs over $400,000 – and that is just for an small to average size home). And while $150,000 may seem like a hefty salary, once they purchase a home & have a few children, it’s really not that much money after all.

Is my friend wrong for complaining about his salary? Is she wrong for wanting to maintain the lifestyle that she has already developed for herself? Is she wrong for relying on his salary to support their future family? Or is she just wrong for questioning when that salary just isn’t enough?

After all, sometimes even a lot just isn’t enough.

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Single Black Woman: Not Desperate But Definitely Picky

This past weekend I attended a party where I saw a lot of my old classmates from grade school. It was a good catching up with them since I hadn’t seen most of them since Kindergarten, which for me was over two decades ago. And even though we were all the same age most of my old classmates were married or had children or both, which led them to ask me why I was still unmarried with no children. I gave them the response that I always give: “I just haven’t found Mr. Right yet.” One of my more outspoken classmates (who is married with 2 kids of his own) looked me up & down and quickly told me that my problem was probably that I was “too picky for my own good”. But how can anyone be too picky when it comes to marriage?

WHAT DO I REALLY WANT?

The conversation with my classmate got me to thinking – am I too picky? Maybe I just don’t recognize it. Could I be unwilling to see that the things I desire in a husband are not reasonable after all? Maybe I need to re-evaluate my needs & just stick with the things that are deal breakers. Should I reconsider what’s important to me & pursue a relationship with someone who is a good man even though they don’t have everything that I want or need in a relationship? Older women always advise me to focus on the important qualities in a man like good character, honesty, open communication, trust & whether or not he’ll be a good father to our children but I want to know when does attraction and chemistry come into play? When do romance and a sense of humor come into play? I know that those qualities aren’t what keep a marriage together but they do account for a lot in a relationship, especially during the rough times. If I have to deal with someone that I’m not attracted to (intellectually, spiritually or emotionally) then it makes dealing with that person a lot more difficult. Don’t get me wrong – integrity, trust and good character are all great things to have but if there’s no attraction then what good does it do?

THE LIST

Yes, I have requirements of certain characteristics that I am looking for in a mate. Unfortunately, I have yet to find all of these characteristics in one man but that’s the real reason for me being single. A lot of us women were told to have a list of qualities that we would like in a mate and to be very specific with this list. I wrote my list out and ended up with about 20 qualities that I’d like in a husband. Some people have told me that this list is too long but I contend that while not all of these qualities are mandatory, they are what I truly desire in a mate and are all important to me. Of course, it is still up to me to exercise good judgment with which qualities are most important to me.

You’re probably wondering what’s on my list. I won’t write out everything but some of the more important qualities include a Christian man who will be faithful, has a sense of humor, thoughtful and active in his community (or at least productive in society outside of work). I honestly don’t think that these things are too much to ask for. There are other qualities on my list such as physical features and the like, but those are mostly preferences (i.e. – complexion, height, build, etc). I was talking to an acquaintance one day (a recently married man in his 40’s) about my “list” and he told me that most of the things I’m looking for are realistic, but there were a few qualities that he deemed unrealistic. He reasoned that in this day in age, and with the age range of men I’m interested in (ages 35-45) it would be very difficult for me to find exactly what I want so I should remove certain qualities from my list. I didn’t want to get into it with him but I took what he said with a grain of salt (basically ignored him completely). The things that I want in a husband may seem unreasonable to someone else but to me they are not. Besides, how can someone else tell me what’s important to me?

A lot of my male friends tell me to get rid of my list, but the funny thing is that they all have their own list. Sure, it may not be written out like mine but it’s all in their head. Every man knows exactly what he wants in a woman and won’t settle until he gets what he’s looking for (which is part of the reason why men stay single for so long). No one ever complains that a man is being picky so why I should be concerned with that label?

IF I’M SO PICKY I MUST HAVE SOMETHING GOOD TO OFFER

I always hear that men are allowed to be picky because they have more options. Since women are starting to make more money & become more accomplished than their male counterparts there are fewer successful men to choose from. Therefore women can’t afford to be as picky as men. Although there is some truth to that, I don’t believe that I need to have a shorter list just to get a husband. Everything that I want in a man I have to offer. I want a man who is a Christian, I am a Christian. I want a man with an education, I have a college degree. And the list goes on & on. I am not a millionaire; therefore I wouldn’t expect to be with a millionaire (although it would be nice, Lol!). My point is this: I would never ask for something that I don’t have to offer myself.

AM I MISSING OUT?

Sometimes I wonder if I am missing out on my future husband because I’m holding on to a list that may or may not be realistic. I also wonder if my list should be shortened or maybe even retired.  Maybe I am too picky for my own good. But I am content to remain single until most of the items on my list can be checked off.

Besides, with so many divorces in this country people just don’t seem to be picky enough.

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Yes, I Am Using You (After All, Dating Is Practice For Marriage)

Isn’t dating just “practice” for the real thing – marriage? According to Wikipedia, dating is defined as a form of courtship consisting of social activities between two people with the aim of each assessing the others suitability as a partner & is usually a pre-cursor to marriage. Dating is an opportunity to meet and get to know different types of people. The purpose of dating is to learn who & what it is you really like in a person. Dating should expand your view of what you find attractive in a potential mate. You can observe, notice and get to know different types of people and possibly discover things about yourself that you may have never known before. You can monitor your feelings & reactions, to different personalities and character traits as you meet different people.

Dating lets you practice how to relate to people of the opposite sex. If you need to learn how to open up and talk about yourself, your feelings, and your wants, practice it in dating. If you need to learn how to confront others and deal with conflict, practice it in dating. Or maybe you need to learn how to listen to others, and be less self-centered. Dating is a place where you can improve upon your own faults as well.

I see dating as a wonderful time to find out about myself. To find out how I need to change myself to attract the mate I am looking for. Dating is give and take. Dating is a time to show others what being treated well looks like. I use dating as an opportunity to love and serve others so that when it is time for me to get married, I will be well equipped to love & serve my husband.

Dating is a place to find a mate by experiencing, learning, and growing. But until that time comes, you can learn about what it is you like and don’t like, and best of all have fun.

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Do Men Sign Prenups? Rich Woman, Poor Man – What Happens When The Woman Has All The Money?

It seems like almost every celebrity couple signs prenuptial agreements before getting married. But those are usually situations where the bulk of the money is coming from the man or both parties have individual wealth (think Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta Jones or Sarah Jessica Parker & Matthew Broderick). But I wonder what happens when the woman is the breadwinner in the relationship. Does she make the man sign a prenup before marrying him?

I started to think about all of the female celebrities that have married “regular” men (or have gotten close to marriage). Here’s the list of some of the couples that came to mind and their net worth, according to www.celebritynetworth.com:

  • Michelle Obama & President Barack Obama – As a VP of Community Affairs, Mrs. Obama was pulling in close to $300,000 / The then-Senator about $160,000 per year
  • Teresa Heinz & John Kerry – Our Secretary of State only makes about $187K, and he’s married to an heiress of Heinz ketchup thought to be worth close to 1 billion dollars
  • Oprah Winfrey & Stedman Graham – Okay, Oprah makes like a gazillion dollars a year
  • Reality TV star Bethenny Frankel & Jason Hoppy – Last year Bethenny made 8 figures; I’m guessing Jason made about 6
  • Jennifer Lopez & Mark Anthony – Jlo is worth about $250 million, whereas her soon to be ex-husband is “only” worth about $40 million (largely due in part to being married to her)
  • Songstress Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon – Mariah’s net worth over $500 million, compared to a “paltry” $15 million for Nick

 

Surely, some men are willing to sign a prenup to be with the woman they love. They recognize that bringing less money into the marriage doesn’t make them any less of a man, and that money isn’t everything. But don’t men hold all the cards? For example, on the television show Real Housewives of Atlanta, Grammy award winning singer/songwriter Kandi Burruss has stated repeatedly that she believes in prenups. However, this was before she got engaged. Now if Kandi’s fiancé (Todd) doesn’t want to sign a prenup, then she may lose him altogether. There are plenty of women who would love to be with Todd and wouldn’t make him sign a prenup (grant it, most of these women aren’t millionaires but still, you get my point).

So if you are a rich woman, do you take the risk of losing a good man by making him sign a prenuptial agreement just so you can save some money? Or, do you follow your heart and marry the man of your dreams knowing that having money can’t replace a having a husband?

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Why Show Up On Time? Top 10 Reasons Why I Like Showing Up Late

I understand the importance of showing up on time. Whether it’s heading to church, work or a social outing, arriving on time (or even early) shows respect for other people’s time and allows you to get the most out of the event that you’re attending.

With that said, I actually think that there are many more benefits to showing up late than most people think.  Here are my top reasons for showing up late:

  1. I don’t have to deal with awkward chit chat with strangers. I don’t have to mix & mingle with anyone before the event begins if I’m not there
  2. I get a lot of exercise. Arriving late forces me to park in some obscure parking space far away from the event. The further I have to park, the more I have to walk and the more exercise I get
  3. I get better seats. Late people always get ushered directly to the front of the room since all of the other seats are usually taken
  4. Arriving late means that there’s a possibility that there are no more programs or handouts, so I’m not stuck with any flyers that I’ll end up throwing out anyway.
  5. I miss the non-essential parts of the program. All of the announcements & introductions, etc. have concluded by the time I arrive
  6. There’s no waiting to be seated. Since the program has already begun, I’m usually shown to my seat right away
  7. I get to show off my outfit. Everyone is looking me up & down as I walk down the aisle to my seat (in the front, no doubt)
  8. I get to make new friends when I am forced to squeeze by you to get to an empty seat. Since it’s the perfect opportunity to make eye contact, I usually greet these people and offer a friendly greeting right before I step on their toes
  9. No one ever expects me or asks me to take notes because they know that I won’t be there to hear the program in its entirety.
  10. Other people show up late too. And I wouldn’t want them to feel bad, now would I?

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Dating Is More Expensive For Women Than It Is For Men

A male friend of mine was telling me of a conversation he had with one of his guy friends about the cost of dating. He figured that in one year he spent close to $10,000 in dating alone, between dinners, the movies, taking trips, black-tie events, gifts, concerts, etc. Now he may have been exaggerating a bit, but the discussion continued on about how expensive dating can be and how women don’t have to spend hardly anything. I adamantly disagreed with this and explained to my male friend that women have to spend money too. Dating isn’t free for us either.

After this conversation, I started to really think about how much I spend on dating. On average, men spend around $50 on a date – depending on where he lives – give or take. As a woman, my money is mostly spent on preparing for the date not to mention the dates that I do occasionally pay for. Hair appointments and nail appointments can cost over $100 easily. Not to mention new outfits, shoes & accessories. My friend was quick to point out that buying new clothes for a date isn’t necessary; therefore I couldn’t count that as a “dating expense”. I told him that it does count because although we women can wear the same clothes after a date, the new outfit would not have been purchased had it not been for that date. For example, if a man takes a woman out to dinner & spends $25 on her meal & $25 on his meal he won’t say the date only costs $25. Instead, he’ll say that the date was $50 – the total cost of the dinner. The argument is that he would not have spent $25 on his meal unless he was out on that date. So, it’s the same thing with a woman buying new clothes for a date. And as for getting my hair & nails done, it may not be necessary but it’s something that men certainly enjoy seeing.

And there’s more to it than just money. Women take a lot of time getting ready than men (between hair, makeup and the like) so not only does it cost us more money, we lose more time preparing for the date. And we all know that time is money.

So gentlemen, yes dating is expensive for women too!

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