Category: African American Relationships

Do You Keep Track Of Your Friends Dates?

Dating is not a competition, I know. But most of my single friends are dating and it’s hard keeping track of all their different dates and different men. Every time there’s a new guy in the picture I have to remember to ask them how their date went, what  happened since the last date and when the next date will be. It’s a lot to remember especially when you multiply that by different friends who have multiple dates.

Think about it: If your friend meets a new guy she’ll tell you all about him including his background, anything about his friends that she’s met and of course the many details about her dates with him. Over time, the dates will start to add up and she may reference something from their earlier dates that you’re expected to remember. Not to mention if she’s dating multiple men at the same time, the things you have to remember grow exponentially.

Not only do you have to hear all about her dates, you must remember to ask about them. Women love discussing their dates with their friends but we love it even more when our friends ask about our dates first. Just like any exciting occasion, it says a lot about your friendship when your friends think to ask you about something before you can even start to tell them about it. Plus these are good details to keep in mind so that if there is a wedding later down the line, you’ll have some great memories to share at their wedding reception (I’m always thinking ahead).

What about when your friends get into a fight with their significant other? I think part of a friend’s job is to keep score whenever there’s an argument. Why? Well, in the event my friend is in the wrong then I need to share with her why  I think she is the one that needs to apologize. When there is an argument, I need to remind her of her boyfriend’s good qualities and why they fell in love in the first place. So you see, it really is important to keep track of your friend’s dates, after all.

All in all, it’s a great when your friends remember the special moments in your life. It’s even better when you don’t have to remind them.

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Men, Show Me Your Summary Judgment

Just about every woman I know has been hit on by a married man. Myself included. I can’t respect a man who cheats on his wife plus I’m afraid of bad karma. I would hate to have a torrid love affair with someone who is married, only for my husband to do the same thing to me.

Recently a married man connected with me wanting to hang out. I didn’t know that he was married at the time I gave him my phone number, but I think it slipped it out during one of our subsequent conversations. When I asked him outright he said he wasn’t really married. When I pressed the issue, he stated that his divorce just wasn’t final yet. I told him that without a divorce decree in the eyes of God & according to the state of California that means he’s still married. In other words, a separation is equivalent to being married but it does not equate to being divorced. I also told him over & over that I don’t deal with married men but he just didn’t seem to get the point.

But why would a woman want to date a married – albeit separated – man? I know of plenty of women who wouldn’t mind, but I don’t get why. I mean, wouldn’t they still be considered an adulteress? Or is it considered okay because the man has already left his wife (noticed I said “left” her, not yet “divorced” her).  Remember, legally adultery includes men who are separated. Reconciliation accounts for about 20% of all separations* and messing with a married man diminishes these chances. That’s like me spending my dad’s life insurance money because he’s been told he has a 20% chance to live. Just because a man has chosen to walk away from his marriage doesn’t mean you have to play a part in him staying away from his marriage.

According to the latest research the majority of couples who separate end up getting divorced (that’s a no brainer, right?). But what about the couples that actually work things out during their separation and get back together – that 20% I talked about? What if one of the married men that have asked me out falls into this category? I don’t want to get emotionally invested in a man only to find out that he’s going back to his wife. Not to mention that men who are in the middle of a divorce are not emotionally available, let alone ready to get into a serious relationship right away. That’s like going from the “frying pan to the fire” and what man wants to get involved while they’re still involved with their own marriage?  These are just some of the reasons why I can’t get involved with married men.

So married men before you hit on me show me your judgment, please!

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*Source: www.usatoday.com

Why Do We Keep Friends That We Shouldn’t?

How many friends do we keep that we shouldn’t? In other words, do you have people in your life that you confide in, hang out with or keep in touch with that do things that you disagree with morally?  I do. And I have friends that do as well (hopefully I’m not the friend that they shouldn’t be keeping around!).

I do wonder why we keep these people in our lives. If I know that someone is doing something that is reprehensible, immoral or even illegal how can I truly look them in the eye & call them my friend? Should I cut their friendship off? Or make some new friends that share my morals?

I’ll give you a prime example: I have a friend who has admitted to cheating on her husband. Now I don’t condone anyone cheating – if they’re in a relationship let alone if they’re married – but I’ve known her for a long time so why wouldn’t I want to remain friends with her? We’ve all heard the expression “birds of a feather flock together”, but that doesn’t mean I’ll commit adultery when I get married. I also have friends who know men that disrespect women or deal with ‘street pharmaceuticals’, yet they still maintain those friendships.

What gives? Do we keep these friendships out of loyalty or obligation? Or for fear that making new friends come with new risks? Is the history we have with these friends worth more than where these friendships may lead?  All I know is that I do have people in my life I probably shouldn’t keep but I am not ashamed of these friendships.

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I Want The Perfect Man, But Would He Want Me?

As I think about the type of man that I want to be with and the qualities I would like for him to have, I wonder whether or not I have the qualities that he would want. I do believe that just about every woman has some wifely qualities in her but are they the right ones? I would love to not have a “perfect man” but I man who is “perfect for me”, even though I’m not perfect.

I want a man who is –

Good with money: As the potential head of my household I want a man who is responsible with his own finances. I want a man who knows how to make money and protect the income that we have together. I want a man who not just saves money but is also financially savvy even though I’ve had my share of money problems.

Able to fix stuff: A man who knows how to fix things is sexy. Fix the toilet, change my flat tire, own a toolbox, anything – I like it! I believe that a man should know how to repair things but as a woman I’m not so good at housekeeping. I don’t like to clean & only do it out of necessity. I know a woman should be domesticated but cleaning isn’t really my forte.

Interesting: I am strongly attracted to a man that I find interesting & intellectually stimulating. And even though I’m pretty good at holding up my end of the conversation, when it comes right down to it I’m not always very exciting.

Attractive: I like men who are polished and well put together. Now, I don’t want him spending more time in the mirror than I do, but I think it is important to look as good as you feel.  I like a dapper looking dude even though I’m not always looking my best every time I leave the house.

A good listener: What woman doesn’t like a man who listens? Yes, I know we women talk a lot but it’s great to be with someone who is an active listener. But as much as I talk, I don’t always like to pay attention. I get bored when the conversation isn’t interesting enough.

Romantic: What woman doesn’t like a little romance? I expect a little romance every now & again, but I’m not very romantic myself. Why you ask? I’ve always thought romance should primarily fall on the man so that’s never really something I’ve put too much effort into.

Sane: There are a lot of weirdo’s out there so it’s not easy to find & connect with somebody who is not crazy! I am moody but I chalk that up to being a woman. J

Even tempered: I don’t want a man with a bad temper or someone that I have to argue with all the time.  I have my own attitude but I chalk that up to being a Black woman. J

A Gentleman: I like a man that opens my door (actually, that’s a requirement) & gives me compliments, even though I’m not always lady-like. For example, I talk about my menstrual cycle sometimes and have been known to put my feet up on the dashboard when I’m sitting on the passenger side.

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Shouldn’t My Future Mother-In-Law Kiss Up To Me?

Sometimes I think about what my mother-in-law will be like. Will she & I get along? Will I like her? Will I call her “mom” or by another name? (Hopefully not something that rhymes with witch) Will she teach me the family recipes or back me up when she knows that her son & I have been arguing? Will she be proud to call me her daughter-in-law? Will she & I hang out together and talk often? Or will I despise her and complain to my girlfriends about her? Maybe I’ll dread the holidays when & if I come to visit. Maybe she and I will be complete opposites or worse yet, she’ll think I’m not good enough for her precious son. Whatever the case may be I know that once I get married, I’ll have to deal with (or put up with) not only his entire family but also his mother.

Of course, if my mother-in-law (MIL for short) & I don’t get along I would think that it would greatly affect my relationship with my husband, especially if he’s close to his mother. I wouldn’t want him to be stuck in the middle but that just may end up being the case. Who should a husband side with – his mother or his wife? I say his wife, because according to the Bible, “…shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.” (Gen 2:24) Plus we all know the saying: Happy wife = Happy life. Not to mention as his wife I am the one that is committing to him for the remainder of my life, sticking by his side through sickness, times of poverty, bearing & raising his children and will be there for him when he puts his mother in the grave. Yes, that’s morbid I know but that’s all a part of being a wife. So with that said, if I happen to have a MIL that I don’t get along with wouldn’t it be in her best interest to make a special effort to get along with me?

Just think about – if I knew that someone had the power of possibly putting me in a senior home once I got older or letting me move in with them instead, I would try my best to be on that person’s good side. If I knew that someone else was largely responsible for my child’s happiness and my grandchildren’s wellbeing, I would do everything in my power to build a good relationship with that person, especially being as the elder. Sure, there needs to be mutual respect between me & my MIL, and deference on my end since this is the woman that created the man I love & have pledged my life to be with. But don’t think that just because I tolerate you that I like you because those are two totally different feelings.

Until I get married or have children of my own that one day get married, I won’t know what it’s like to have a mother-in-law or to be one. Hopefully I’ll have a good relationship with my own mother-in-law but if not, I may have to prepare to not have a relationship with her at all.

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Would I Be A Good Mother?: Maybe You Don’t Know What Kind of Parent You’d Be Until You Are One

On the heels of Mother Day, I started wondering whether or not I would make a good mother. I mean, I’m not sold on having children in the first place but in the event that the Lord sees otherwise I don’t even know how the whole motherhood thing would work for me.

I have so many hangups on what motherhood is supposed to be like that I don’t even know if the actual role would match up with the job description I have in my head. From what I can tell raising a child properly takes a lot of ingredients that I don’t have:

  • Patience – This is probably the largest trait that I’m missing. I have patience for children (after all, they’re just kids and they don’t know any better) but I don’t have patience for adults with kids. How am I supposed to deal with all of the parents of my children’s friends? What if I don’t get along with the other parents in the PTA or on the playground? I can’t deal with people who aren’t good mothers.
  • Housekeeping skills – I’m just going to come out & say it: I don’t like to clean. I do it out of necessity but don’t really enjoy it. I feel like there are so many other things I’d rather do with my life than to clean up after a kid and their friends (after a large birthday party or sleepover)
  • Time management – I usually have a pretty crowded schedule. Where on earth would i find time to include a child’s activities? I know, I know, I would HAVE to adjust my schedule and sacrifice some of my activities because we all know that children should come first. It seems so much easier said than done though. Seriously, after a long day at work, going to the gym, running errands and cooking dinner I just don’t see how I would have time to be a good mom to my kids by doing things such as checking their homework, reading to them, after-school activities and the like. Because we all know husbands aren’t good for much around the house (lol)!

Would having these things make me a good mother? No of course not, but I do think that you need more than just “love” to be a good parent. So how is someone supposed to know if they would be a good parent? There’s no checklist or survey to fill out. There’s no application required or background check that will determine whether or not you’ll be a good parent. Do people think that just because they consider themselves a good aunt or a good uncle that they would make a good parent even though having nieces & nephews is nothing like having your own children?  How is a man supposed to know if the woman he wants to marry will make a good mother? How does any woman know that she’ll be a good mother to all of her children and not just her favorite? The conundrum is that you don’t know what it takes to be a mother until you are one. But the problem I have with parenting is that once I decide to become a mother, I can’t take it back.

So all in all, I guess I’ll never really know what kind of mother I’ll be until I become one (Jesus, help me!).

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I Don’t Do Residential Dating

Just because it is 2013 doesn’t mean that men are allowed to slack off on chivalry or courting a woman properly. Apparently, there are a lot of men out there who prefer “residential dating”, meaning cooking dinner or watching movies at home, rather than taking a woman out on a date.

It seems that these men would rather eat-in towards the beginning of the courtship and go out to dinner more frequently once they are in a committed relationship. Their rationale is that they shouldn’t invest in someone until you know for sure whether or not you want to be with them. But I think that thought process is backwards and that a woman shouldn’t be cooking in the beginning of a relationship but going out to eat more instead.

The problem with the stay-at-home date is that you don’t get to see how your date interacts with other people and it invites intimacy (read: sex) into the relationship a lot sooner.  Yes, it shows a lot of thought & effort when someone cooks for you but the whole point of dating is to get to know someone not impress them with your cooking skills. There’s nothing wrong with grabbing a beer (or in my case, a glass of wine) and hanging out at a sports bar or getting appetizers at a local spot. Plus now that it’s Spring and daylight savings time is here, why would you even want to be indoors? Take me to the lake for a walk or the beach for some sun. We could even hit a sporting event & order hot dogs, or you could let me beat you in a round of miniature golfing (lol!)

Personally, I’m not impressed by a man’s extravagance, but more by his resourcefulness. So if you can’t think of ways to get to know me outside of your house, then we can’t date.

I already know that men complain that dating is expensive but I would like to know that I am worth your hard earned dollars.

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I Don’t Want A Retired Ho

Research indicates that the average man has slept with almost twice as many women as women have with men. Supposedly the average is around 7 women and 4 men. First off, I do not know who they surveyed – clearly no one in my circle! I joke, but those numbers seem awfully underwhelming. Based on conversations I’ve had with acquaintances, friends, relatives and even co-workers it seems that men have way more sexual partners than the average woman.

Not only do men have more sexual partners, it also appears that they stay single longer thereby justifying the higher quantity of sexual partners. It is not until a man is ready to settle down & get married that he can appreciate a woman who has not been around as much as he has. But once he’s had all his fun, why would I want him? What’s so appealing about a man who has slept around, played every trick in the book and is finally ready to settle down? That’s called “sloppy seconds” in my book.

Ah, the all so famous double standard: men can sleep around & women can’t. Yes, I’ve heard this so many times growing up – that it’s okay for guys to do what a young lady shouldn’t. Here’s the flaw with that posturing: a respectful young woman (such as me) doesn’t want a man that has been around the block a whole lot. If you weren’t thoughtful enough with your own body, and your health for that matter, why should I trust you mine? I know that we can’t change our past by erasing our sexual history. And while it may not be fair to judge someone on a past they can’t change, isn’t that just a part of life? We’re all judged on our pasts, whether we like or not.

You may be wondering what I think is an acceptable number of women for any man over 30 to have slept with. There is no magic number, but it should definitely be respectable. Of course it’s hard to find a man with a modest sexual history, but it is certainly a “bonus” for me!

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Girlfriends ARE Sexier Than Wives

This is an interesting article that I read this morning, written by Gina B. from Six Brown Chicks. I must say that I agree with her wholeheartedly. Of course, sexy is in the eye of the beholder but you can’t argue that once you’re married the “chase” is gone. There are many, many benefits to marriage but the element of keeping it sexy is easier without the “burden” of being a wife.

Maintaining your sexiness takes work after you get married and is probably less of a priority than when you were single. When you throw children into the mix, a mortgage and other family needs, things like shaving your legs everyday or wearing lingerie to bed usually take a backseat. I’m all for keeping things hot and perhaps the definition of sexy changes once you get married, but you can’t disagree that it is easier to keep it sexy because you want to, not because you have to.

Read the article below –

               Wife Versus Girlfriend — Who Is Sexier?

I’ve been in a relationship for a while now, which means that everyone demands to know when we’re getting married.  Oddly, that question bothers my boyfriend FAR less than it annoys me.  I avoid the question for a few reasons.  First, my decision to change my marital status is nobody’s business.  And if I’m being honest? I don’t think that the concept of being a wife is all that sexy.

To be clear . . . I’m not talking about women who choose to be the girlfriend, as in “other woman.”  I’m referring to a monogamous relationship where there is a consideration to make the transition from girlfriend to wife.

My opinion has been shaped by watching good friends and colleagues evolve from single to married, and how their lives and perceptions of their spouses have changed over the years.

My theory is unsettling to several people – especially the couples who disagree, and those whose lifelong ambitions have been to say “I do.”  But before becoming offended, I invite you to really think about it.

Here are the differences, as I see them:

Girlfriends are fun.  When a man goes public with a girlfriend, everyone is happy for him.  “Finally!”  they exclaim, “he has someone to have fun with, who’s good for him.”  If they like her, his friends will be excited to witness the relationship unfold and see where it leads.  The couple hangs out together and they play together — all efforts to get to know each other and maximize their experiences.  It’s very exciting and suspenseful – especially for the couples’ family and friends, who are voyeuristically sitting back with bowls of popcorn, watching, wondering and making suppositions as to whether or not the couple will “make it.”

Wives are serious.  Wives run households and take care of all of the people who reside within the four walls of their homes.  Wives have responsibilities and they sacrifice.   There’s no mystery.  The couple has crossed the marital finish line, and it’s time to start building a life together.  In some cases, date nights have to be created to keep the spark.  Nothing to see here, folks.  Keep it moving.

Girlfriends are voluntary.  There’s nothing that keeps a man there, except that he wants to be there.  There are no legal obligations.  No fear of financial ruin.  In most cases, there are no children to remain for.   It’s pure desire.

Wives are perceived as obligation.  I really REALLY hate hearing a man refer to his wife as “the old ball and chain,” or complaining because his wife is keeping him from doing something he’d rather be doing.  Yet I hear those things all of the time.  I’d be a gazillionaire if I had a dollar for every time I heard “I can’t that night.  There’s an event that my wife is making me attend” or “I’d better not, or my wife will kill me.”  Unfortunately, I rarely hear a married man say “I can’t WAIT to get home to my wife.”

Girlfriends are keeping it sexy.  As a girlfriend, there are a few things you know for sure:  1) Your man can leave you at any time, so you have to maintain your hotness.  2) If he does leave you, you’ll need the ability to attract a new one.  Most girlfriends stay on their game.

Wives?  Well . . . according to several men, many women make a distinct shift after getting married.  There’s less of a commitment to sexiness, and the complaint is that the “girlfriend version” is much hotter than the “wife version.”

Girlfriends are pursued.   Men enjoy the hunt, and girlfriends are the prey.  Men are known to make grand gestures to further engage a woman.

Wives are no longer pursued.  Men aren’t interested in pursuing what they’ve already won.  I’ve known men to completely change their behavior and demeanor once they’ve “closed the deal.” (To be fair, men don’t typically pursue any girlfriend they’ve had over six months.)

Girlfriends are supposed to be treated like princesses, who are youthful and to be indulged.

Wives are the queens, and while that is a revered position, hers is a more stately and administrative role.

As far as sex is concerned?  Well . . . we’ve all heard the complaints that the frequency of married sex is WAY slower than dating sex.

Disclaimer – if you’ve been in a long-term relationship for several years, you might have defaulted to spouse status without the legal paperwork.

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The direct link to this article can be found here: (http://www.chicagonow.com/six-brown-chicks/2013/04/wife-versus-girlfriend-who-is-sexier)

Single Black Woman: Not Desperate But Definitely Picky

This past weekend I attended a party where I saw a lot of my old classmates from grade school. It was a good catching up with them since I hadn’t seen most of them since Kindergarten, which for me was over two decades ago. And even though we were all the same age most of my old classmates were married or had children or both, which led them to ask me why I was still unmarried with no children. I gave them the response that I always give: “I just haven’t found Mr. Right yet.” One of my more outspoken classmates (who is married with 2 kids of his own) looked me up & down and quickly told me that my problem was probably that I was “too picky for my own good”. But how can anyone be too picky when it comes to marriage?

WHAT DO I REALLY WANT?

The conversation with my classmate got me to thinking – am I too picky? Maybe I just don’t recognize it. Could I be unwilling to see that the things I desire in a husband are not reasonable after all? Maybe I need to re-evaluate my needs & just stick with the things that are deal breakers. Should I reconsider what’s important to me & pursue a relationship with someone who is a good man even though they don’t have everything that I want or need in a relationship? Older women always advise me to focus on the important qualities in a man like good character, honesty, open communication, trust & whether or not he’ll be a good father to our children but I want to know when does attraction and chemistry come into play? When do romance and a sense of humor come into play? I know that those qualities aren’t what keep a marriage together but they do account for a lot in a relationship, especially during the rough times. If I have to deal with someone that I’m not attracted to (intellectually, spiritually or emotionally) then it makes dealing with that person a lot more difficult. Don’t get me wrong – integrity, trust and good character are all great things to have but if there’s no attraction then what good does it do?

THE LIST

Yes, I have requirements of certain characteristics that I am looking for in a mate. Unfortunately, I have yet to find all of these characteristics in one man but that’s the real reason for me being single. A lot of us women were told to have a list of qualities that we would like in a mate and to be very specific with this list. I wrote my list out and ended up with about 20 qualities that I’d like in a husband. Some people have told me that this list is too long but I contend that while not all of these qualities are mandatory, they are what I truly desire in a mate and are all important to me. Of course, it is still up to me to exercise good judgment with which qualities are most important to me.

You’re probably wondering what’s on my list. I won’t write out everything but some of the more important qualities include a Christian man who will be faithful, has a sense of humor, thoughtful and active in his community (or at least productive in society outside of work). I honestly don’t think that these things are too much to ask for. There are other qualities on my list such as physical features and the like, but those are mostly preferences (i.e. – complexion, height, build, etc). I was talking to an acquaintance one day (a recently married man in his 40’s) about my “list” and he told me that most of the things I’m looking for are realistic, but there were a few qualities that he deemed unrealistic. He reasoned that in this day in age, and with the age range of men I’m interested in (ages 35-45) it would be very difficult for me to find exactly what I want so I should remove certain qualities from my list. I didn’t want to get into it with him but I took what he said with a grain of salt (basically ignored him completely). The things that I want in a husband may seem unreasonable to someone else but to me they are not. Besides, how can someone else tell me what’s important to me?

A lot of my male friends tell me to get rid of my list, but the funny thing is that they all have their own list. Sure, it may not be written out like mine but it’s all in their head. Every man knows exactly what he wants in a woman and won’t settle until he gets what he’s looking for (which is part of the reason why men stay single for so long). No one ever complains that a man is being picky so why I should be concerned with that label?

IF I’M SO PICKY I MUST HAVE SOMETHING GOOD TO OFFER

I always hear that men are allowed to be picky because they have more options. Since women are starting to make more money & become more accomplished than their male counterparts there are fewer successful men to choose from. Therefore women can’t afford to be as picky as men. Although there is some truth to that, I don’t believe that I need to have a shorter list just to get a husband. Everything that I want in a man I have to offer. I want a man who is a Christian, I am a Christian. I want a man with an education, I have a college degree. And the list goes on & on. I am not a millionaire; therefore I wouldn’t expect to be with a millionaire (although it would be nice, Lol!). My point is this: I would never ask for something that I don’t have to offer myself.

AM I MISSING OUT?

Sometimes I wonder if I am missing out on my future husband because I’m holding on to a list that may or may not be realistic. I also wonder if my list should be shortened or maybe even retired.  Maybe I am too picky for my own good. But I am content to remain single until most of the items on my list can be checked off.

Besides, with so many divorces in this country people just don’t seem to be picky enough.

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