With Father’s Day behind us, I’ve been able to reflect yet again on why I don’t want to be with a man who has children (or even a child). I’ve talked about this before, but the sermon in church last Sunday was on the importance of men in their children’s lives. The pastor spoke on active parenting and how much children need both a mother & a father in the same household.
I really want a solid family – a whole family, not a ready-made family where my husband would still have obligations outside of our household tending to his other kids. When a man has a child, that means permanent ties to the mother of his child. Ties that are impenetrable. Who am I to get involved? There are parenting issues that I won’t be a part of and have no say in simply because I’m not the mother of that child. I’ll never understand what it’s like to be a parent to his child nor will I equally share in the responsibilities of raising his child.
I’m really not interested in co-parenting or step-parenting or any other kind of parenting to someone else’s child. The bigger question is: Why would I be? What’s in it for me? What are some of the benefits of taking on someone else’s kids? Especially when there are single men who don’t have any children (just like I don’t)!
This is what I always hear whenever I mention not dating a man with kids. People tell me –
“Oh, it’s not that bad” – What’s not that bad: the kids themselves, the child support, the child’s mother, the shared holidays & vacations, the extra-curricular activities you’ll be forced to attend or the fact that his child is his priority not you? I’m unclear as to how any of this is “not that bad”.
“Be open-minded” – Why is it assumed that having a preference of one thing over another is being closed-minded? I know what I like & what I don’t like so purposely selecting someone who has children doesn’t make me open-minded, it makes me indecisive.
“Everyone in your age range has kids, so good luck finding one without any” – Statistically speaking, I should have a kid by now (or two). But I don’t. So if I don’t (at my age), then surely there are men who don’t either. It’s not impossible to find a good man who happens to be childless. Sure my options might be a slightly limited but remember, I only need one!
“No relationship is perfect” – True, but why start the relationship with unnecessary drama? I do expect to face adversity in any relationship but I want it to be between me & that 1 person, not me & 2 people (him and his child).
What do you think? Why should I WANT to date a man with kids? Is it unreasonable to expect to date someone without a child when you’re in your 30’s? What are some of the reasons that people give for you to consider dating someone who already has a child? I’d love to discuss in the comments section below –