Women Can’t Handle Casual Sex, Can They?

There was an article in the Huffington Post a couple of days ago questioning whether or not women can have casual sex without the emotional attachment. Although I am not a fan of casual sex I feel that the author made a very good point.

Most women can’t truly separate sex from emotion unless she’s too far down the path of just not caring anymore. God didn’t create us equal; instead he made women the more emotional of the two sexes.  That’s been scientifically proven time & time again and is evident through our hormones and mental reasoning. We use emotion a lot of times as a base for our decision making. Nothing is wrong with that, it’s just the way it is. That being said, it’s nearly impossible for a woman to emotionally dissociate herself from a man she has had sex with. (Note: There might be like 2% of the female population that was born without the “emotional gene” but for the most part, women always tend to get caught up when having sex)

We are sexual beings, but for a woman to get to the point of not caring anymore usually comes over a course of some time of being sexually active. Maybe after a bad experience, or after being with a lot of men – A woman may decide she can detach herself but unlike a dude it doesn’t come as first nature for us. Do I think a woman should be able to do what she wants with her body sexually? Absolutely! But I think it comes at a cost & for us women that’s usually an emotional one.


Read the article below –

Can Women Have Casual Sex Without a Post-Hookup Hangover?

By Christine Hassler

Is it possible to casually hook up or have sex without creating any kind of emotional response or a longing for attachment?

This is not a “one-size-fits-all” question. For the purpose of this post, I am going to speak mostly to the heterosexual ladies. So, let me get a little more specific: generally speaking, are women as able and likely as men are to have emotionless sexual experiences and still find them satisfying beyond just the in-the-moment physicality?

From my point of view, in 99% of the cases, the answer is no. I am defining “a casual hookup” as having sex or any sexual encounter beyond good old-fashioned making out with someone whom you have no mutual emotional connection or established relationship with. It’s the guy you just met who is super cute, confident and ultra-flirty. He says things to you that sound so good you intuitively know he’s had a lot of practice saying them to other girls. Or the guy you may have known for a while who only texts you to see if you want to “hang” but has never asked you out on a real date. Or the guy who you’ve had a major crush on despite the fact that he is unavailable in some way but you just cannot deny the chemistry. Or it could even be the guy you’ve been on a couple dates with and by now feel obligated to “put out” more.

Most women are not able to have casual hookups without getting their hearts involved or having any follow up expectations. Why?

Let’s start with basic biology. When we have any kind of physical exchange with a guy from cuddling to having sex, we release the bonding hormone oxytocin. When we release oxytocin, we start to feel more emotionally bonded to whomever triggered it. If you think you are totally capable of having a meaningless romp or really aren’t into the guy, oxytocin may change everything! Even if you really have no interest in seeing him again, chances are you still will want to hear from him just to have proof that it wasn’t totally meaningless. And if you had any interest in him pre hook-up, oxytocin will leave you longing for more. You will probably be checking your phone incessantly the next day for a text with a winky face and find yourself distracted by thoughts of him. This is painfully natural.

Our desire to connect emotionally is amplified when we have connected physically because of the hormonal change in our brain AND because we are emotional creatures — which is something to be cherished, celebrated and respected!

When a woman engages in a casual sexual encounter and does not ask for what she wants, stop what she doesn’t want or feels rejected in any way, she is likely to experience what I call a post-hookup hangover. This hangover stems from having a surge of bonding hormones pumping through your body without having anyone to bond to. You may feel disappointment, sadness, anger, guilt and/or shame because a ton of oxytocin has been released without any kind of emotional connection present with the other person to be a container for it.

I’ve heard a lot of “day after” stories. I see a lot of pain and upset around feeling rejected after being so vulnerable, and anytime you get naked with someone, you are vulnerable! If you relate to this, I want to tell you that you didn’t do anything wrong. Regret and self-criticism are only going to make you feel worse.

Women who are consciously walking on a spiritual path (like you!) are even more susceptible to the post-hookup hangover. When we work to become more aware, we become more open and connected. A large part of our spiritual growth is about taking down the walls that have perpetuated a sense of disconnection. We naturally become more sensitive and our ability to check out decreases. So, if you do feel more open and expansive, it is very likely that you are going to feel a desire to connect on an emotional level with the person that you are connecting with on a physical level. Physical and sexual intimacy can be an amazing part of our spiritual life if we approach it consciously and choose to engage with people that are willing and able to meet us at the level we are at. Otherwise, it can just feel empty and meaningless and honestly, is it really worth it?

Perhaps you draw the line at having casual sex, but consider whether drawing it even sooner could be an act of self-love and self-honoring. Rethink your boundaries and consider how your choices with men are affecting you and contributing to the type of men you are attracting. The next time you are about to get horizontal with someone, please ask yourself these things:

1. Am I just doing this because I think it’s time to or because he seems really into me and I don’t want him to lose interest?

2. Am I doing this hoping it leads to a relationship?

3. Am I engaging in a casual hookup to prove something to myself or someone else?

4. What are my boundaries and do I state them and honor them?

5. Am I doing things that I really don’t want to do or don’t feel good?

6. Am I allowing him to lead and maneuver through a bunch of moves rather than really being in tune with me/my body?

7. Am I more focused on performing or pleasing him rather than on my own physical pleasure?

8. Will I be totally OK and not disappointed AT ALL if I don’t hear from him tomorrow or ever again?

Be honest with yourself. I totally get that when hormones start firing (and especially if you add any kind of alcohol into the mix), your mind is not always that clear. Trust that the guy who is truly your match will go at your pace. Please discard any limiting beliefs that there is some “putting out” timeline that you are supposed to adhere to other than your own inner voice. Wait for the guy who takes you out on real dates, asks you questions about your life and remembers that you really love Diet Dr. Pepper.

All that said…. there are two conditions in which casual hooking up could be possible without the hangover:

The first is when a woman is 100% comfortable and empowered in her own sexuality, totally asks for what she wants and honors her boundaries, has zero expectations and is not looking for a relationship of any kind. The second is when the guy is WAY more into her than she is into him. If a woman feels smothered by a guy she does not really like all that much, she is more likely to chalk it up to a good time and move on. Both of these situations are rare. More often, I see women regretting casual hookups when they attempted to convince themselves they were OK with it (when they weren’t).

Ladies, your body is sacred and your sexuality is an extension of your Spirit. Both are here for you to enjoy and express in ways that feel nourishing and pleasurable. Your heart is connected to your sexuality, so when you open yourself up sexually, know that you are putting your sweet, loving and tender heart on the line. My encouragement to you is to explore ways to experience sensuality and express your sexuality in ways that don’t make you feel bad about yourself! Have fun, date, flirt and make a commitment to be self-honoring and authentic when it comes to hooking up.

ph 3

8 thoughts on “Women Can’t Handle Casual Sex, Can They?

  1. hi there! my friend posted this on her fb recently and i just wanna say thank you! it’s beautifully written and so valuable! I was reading in this dating book once that talking about your boundaries around sex too early on in dating comes from fear..and that one should voice their limits when it comes up (when the guy wants/tries to have sex w you). What are your thoughts? If someone is clearly sexually attracted to you (and has told you), and has mentioned the “s” word (via text) , even before the first date, when would you tell them?

    1. Thank you so much for reading!

      As adults, I definitely think that people should not be afraid to discuss sex. But I don’t think that sex should be mentioned via text message because it is a very intimate topic. Unless you’re just trying to “hook up” sex is something that needs to be thoroughly discussed but definitely not before the first date. That’s way too soon! It means they only have 1 thing on their mind.

      If a man really likes a woman, sex shouldn’t be brought up too soon (like before the 1st or 2nd date). He should be getting to know her instead.

      Hope that helps! Thanks again for stopping by 🙂

  2. I know this post is old, but I just had the opportunity to read it. I just turned 28 and realized I am not good with casual hookups. I usually hook up with someone telling myself I just want sex but a day maybe a week later the emotional part of me desire more. Gosh this post was meant to reaffirm what I already know. Thank You!!!

    1. Hi, thanks for reading! I’m glad you were able to reaffirm what you already knew.

      Personally, I’m not a fan of casual sex so it always amazes me when I hear of people who can do it & be alright with it.

  3. I have made a point to read back through your posts, and found this one. I was always one of those guys who could not take sex casually. If I went to bed with a girl I somehow felt I had just committed myself to her. And because of the mental makeup of the female, usually it ended up in a relationship, with one ending in an actual marriage. Most did not end well, including my first marriage. When I finally recognized that sex was something I had to take far more seriously, my next two marriages were far better. Unfortunately, my second wife, who I loved dearly, died of cancer at 45. And as was my deceased wife, my present wife of fifteen years is a gem. But both were because I learned that loving the woman for who she is as a person is far more important than what is seen physically. Of course I would be lying if I didn’t say, looks doesn’t hurt.

  4. “sexuality is an extension of your Spirit” True True True! I’ve done casual sex and I have lived to regret it. Not because I got attached (which I did) but because I felt like I didn’t honor who I truly am….like i went against my spirit.
    Great post! Thanks for sharing 🙂

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