This topic has been addressed many times before online, in the news and everywhere else, I know. But I thought I would add my perspective to this ongoing conversation. There are many reasons why I don’t want to be with a man who has children (or even just 1), so I thought I’d share my perspective from a more logical approach. I’m gonna break it down for you –
- More money coming out of my household: Most men aren’t making enough to support multiple households. Some are, but most aren’t. The more child support and daily expenses that come out of our (yes our, because it’s my money now too) household is less money for any children that we may have together. I would treat his child as my own, but it’s not really fair that I have to help finance someone else’s child (or children). Why should my hard earned money go towards college tuition for another woman’s child?
- I only want what I have to offer – I don’t have any children, so I’m not asking for anything that I don’t have to offer myself. I’m not a millionaire so I don’t expect to marry one. I’m no Halle Berry, so I don’t expect my man to look like Idris Elba. I don’t have a Ph.D., so I don’t expect him to have one either. You get the picture. I understand that it gets harder to find a man over a certain age with no kids, but couldn’t the same thing be said for me? If I can “beat the statistics” (over the age of 30 and still childfree), then certainly there are men that have as well.
- Discipline – I don’t want any kid in my house that I can’t discipline how I see fit. I don’t need my stepchild going back and telling their real mother that I spanked them, she comes after me & we end up getting into it. And I shouldn’t have to always rely on my husband to do all the disciplining. They may be his children, but it’s still my house. However, when you’re dealing with someone else’s kids it’s tougher to “lay hands” on them without it being an issue.
- Logistics: I think it’s too much trouble having to plan & coordinate holidays, weekends, etc with a whole other family. Not to mention it may limit my career mobility (unless my husband retires me!), in the event that I need to move, etc. I would feel like I’m competing for his time/attention for special occasions. Not only do I have to coordinate with the mother of his children, I will also have to coordinate with another set of grandparents. What if I have a big corporate event or throw my mother a big surprise birthday party that I need him to attend with me but his kid has a big championship game the same night? The kid will probably win every time. It may not seem like such a big deal but I can only imagine how all of those missed events will add up. No one wants to feel like they are second best, especially not to a child
- Not equally yoked – Even though I would be the wife, I wouldn’t have an equal say in raising his child. Most decisions would be made between the real mother & the real father with some consideration to how I feel, but how can I love someone as my own but still not have equal say in what happens in their life or how they are raised? Also as the wife, I don’t want to hear the words “But she’s my sons mother” because to me that means a compromise will have to be made on my end the majority of the time. No bueno 😦
- I want to be his first – I want be the 1st woman to bear his children. The 2nd or 3rd time around is never quite the same. I’m sure being with the right woman makes all the difference in raising children, so in a way it would be his “first time”, but that’s still not the same thing.
- Baby mama jealousy – Let’s face it, no matter how good the relationship is between my husband & his ex, there is always a possibility that she may get jealous after she sees that he’s moved on. Jealousy is a completely normal emotion to feel when it comes to having another woman in your children’s life.
- I don’t want to be judged – I don’t want my parenting skills to be called into question. I may not be the best stepmother, but my learning curve would be a lot steeper. As the father, he’s been there since the beginning of his children’s lives & has had more of an opportunity to figure the whole parenting thing out.
- Please hold the guilt trip – Even though it wouldn’t be my fault that my husband & his ex weren’t able to make their relationship work, I would still feel somewhat guilty that his children wouldn’t be able to be with him 100% of the time. Any children we would have together would, by default, spend more time with their father under the same roof. I would feel a little bad that the children from his previous relationship get caught in the middle. Although they wouldn’t be treated as outsiders or like “evil stepchildren”, this could still potentially cause tension between them & my own children. At the end of the day, I don’t have a problem with the actual child(ren) it’s just the circumstances surrounding it all.