Men With Kids Need Not Apply: Why I Prefer To Date Men Who Don’t Have Children

This topic has been addressed many times before online, in the news and everywhere else, I know. But I thought I would add my perspective to this ongoing conversation. There are many reasons why I don’t want to be with a man who has children (or even just 1), so I thought I’d share my perspective from a more logical approach. I’m gonna break it down for you –

  • More money coming out of my household: Most men aren’t making enough to support multiple households. Some are, but most aren’t. The more child support and daily expenses that come out of our (yes our, because it’s my money now too) household is less money for any children that we may have together. I would treat his child as my own, but it’s not really fair that I have to help finance someone else’s child (or children). Why should my hard earned money go towards college tuition for another woman’s child?
  • I only want what I have to offer – I don’t have any children, so I’m not asking for anything that I don’t have to offer myself. I’m not a millionaire so I don’t expect to marry one. I’m no Halle Berry, so I don’t expect my man to look like Idris Elba. I don’t have a Ph.D., so I don’t expect him to have one either. You get the picture. I understand that it gets harder to find a man over a certain age with no kids, but couldn’t the same thing be said for me? If I can “beat the statistics” (over the age of 30 and still childfree), then certainly there are men that have as well.
  • Discipline – I don’t want any kid in my house that I can’t discipline how I see fit. I don’t need my stepchild going back and telling their real mother that I spanked them, she comes after me & we end up getting into it. And I shouldn’t have to always rely on my husband to do all the disciplining. They may be his children, but it’s still my house. However, when you’re dealing with someone else’s kids it’s tougher to “lay hands” on them without it being an issue.
  • Logistics: I think it’s too much trouble having to plan & coordinate holidays, weekends, etc with a whole other family. Not to mention it may limit my career mobility (unless my husband retires me!), in the event that I need to move, etc. I would feel like I’m competing for his time/attention for special occasions. Not only do I have to coordinate with the mother of his children, I will also have to coordinate with another set of grandparents. What if I have a big corporate event or throw my mother a big surprise birthday party that I need him to attend with me but his kid has a big championship game the same night? The kid will probably win every time. It may not seem like such a big deal but I can only imagine how all of those missed events will add up. No one wants to feel like they are second best, especially not to a child
  • Not equally yoked – Even though I would be the wife, I wouldn’t have an equal say in raising his child. Most decisions would be made between the real mother & the real father with some consideration to how I feel, but how can I love someone as my own but still not have equal say in what happens in their life or how they are raised?  Also as the wife, I don’t want to hear the words “But she’s my sons mother” because to me that means a compromise will have to be made on my end the majority of the time. No bueno 😦
  • I want to be his first – I want be the 1st woman to bear his children. The 2nd or 3rd time around is never quite the same. I’m sure being with the right woman makes all the difference in raising children, so in a way it would be his “first time”, but that’s still not the same thing.
  • Baby mama jealousy – Let’s face it, no matter how good the relationship is between my husband & his ex, there is always a possibility that she may get jealous after she sees that he’s moved on. Jealousy is a completely normal emotion to feel when it comes to having another woman in your children’s life.
  • I don’t want to be judged – I don’t want my parenting skills to be called into question. I may not be the best stepmother, but my learning curve would be a lot steeper. As the father, he’s been there since the beginning of his children’s lives & has had more of an opportunity to figure the whole parenting thing out.
  • Please hold the guilt trip – Even though it wouldn’t be my fault that my husband & his ex weren’t able to make their relationship work, I would still feel somewhat guilty that his children wouldn’t be able to be with him 100% of the time. Any children we would have together would, by default, spend more time with their father under the same roof. I would feel a little bad that the children from his previous relationship get caught in the middle. Although they wouldn’t be treated as outsiders or like “evil stepchildren”, this could still potentially cause tension between them & my own children. At the end of the day, I don’t have a problem with the actual child(ren) it’s just the circumstances surrounding it all.


122 thoughts on “Men With Kids Need Not Apply: Why I Prefer To Date Men Who Don’t Have Children

  1. Dear, Rob!

    You sound like an entitled man (spoiled much by your mommy!?) who’s always right and what woman wants – is not that important.

    You quickly manage to call her selfish or shallow, when she isn’t rushing to share your burden and take on your made ‘mess’, failed marriage in aftermath, not only that – but all the complications that will inevitably come up in the future.

    Basically, woman not only gets you (while you get only her), but the whole ‘undesired’ package (pre-made family on the board!) with all the possible problems many decades ahead, ohhh…

    See, it is not a woman without children who is selfish, it is the man with his kids who is! He expects a complete stranger (this new woman) to share his burden willingly, take part in raising his kids, without any significant payback…

    Bear in mind, to be a stepmom is more of an altruistic position/experience, while being a parent is more of, well, pretty much a selfish one in comparison.. Sure, parenting is a hard work, no doubt, but being a parent can be a delightful task too – it is your own blood, DNA you pass on with a pride! Your kid loves you unconditionally, even when you are a bad parent, still, kids keep loving you regardless..! Nice position, huh…!?

    While stepmom is just an another story, you are the ‘hated’ one, and you will never be a mommy, step-kid aren’t obligated to listen to you, or even respect you (if step-kids do, they deserve a medal!)
    There is no love like parent-child bond, even if stepparent does his/her best to earn some love, still returns are very negligent in comparison what parent’s get without much effort! Sad, but true!

    Do you see the difference, Mr Rob?
    Before you call women selfish or shallow, take a note and think..! They aren’t the ones, at least not in this case of scenario..!

    But men, like you – with multiple kids who want it both (or many) ways working it out for them certainly are selfish!
    They want it ALL ! Retain their kids love, new, lovely lady beside – who will spread herself thin – just to be liked and not judged..!
    Nope, just nope – I’m sure many women who leave a comment here aren’t looking for man like you, so just relax…

    1. I asked the author of the article to retract my original statements, because at the time I was left in a situation that was toxic, I had little help, and my 4 year old son had malignant brain tumor, that was inoperable. He has peacefully passed, and is with God now. I honestly don’t want any women, or people relationship wise, in my life anymore it’s much more simple that way. I spend most of my time now volunteering to help those, that can’t help themselves, and doing the best I can do in this world. Everyday it’s still hard, and I struggle to keep going. I wish you peace and love. Robert.

  2. Hello I’m retracting any previous comments I’ve made on your blog, please remove all of them. I’ve made some major transitions in my life and have a completely different MO. Your opinions about not wanting men with children are yours alone, and I respect that choice. I’ve actually thought about your perspective and it really does hold a lot of merit, and would make logical sense from a single woman’s side. I hope you find that special person to make a wonderful life with, everyone deserves to be happy, and realize their highest potentials in life. Peace and love to you Robert

      1. You very much welcome. If you could please delete my previous comments, because negativity, and destructive thoughts are a part of my past. Peace Rob

  3. I only want to “date” women with kids. She’s got other things to be concerned about then being up under me. I also notice that childless people tend to ignorant of anything that is not directly related to their own situation. I lol at these mid 30s women who still want kids but are waiting for the ideal situation while their biological clock is ticking. It all seems like “hamstering” to me.

    1. Interesting perspective. You are certainly welcome to your preferences (women with children), but your assertion that women such as myself who are child-free are “ignorant of anything that is not directly related to their own situation” is completely unfounded. If anything we have more time & energy to devote to our mate than someone who comes with a ready-made family.

      It doesn’t matter what a woman’s age is or how loud her clock may be ticking – a woman who knows her value will wait for the right person. Besides, more & more women are having perfectly healthy children IN their 40s. It’s better to wait & get it right than rush because of age.

      Thx for reading

      1. People who don’t have children are MORE ignorant of anything not directly related to them. That’s the luxury you have when you are childless. When you have kids and choose to be involved in their lives, your wants become secondary. Not all times, but usually anyway.

        Why is it better to wait until your 40s? Having children is a young woman’s game. Just because you CAN do something doesn’t make it a good idea. Old eggs and sperm are not ideal. What is “getting it right”? Being married? Marriage has nothing to do with getting it right. I’ve got 4 kids and never been married. A woman I met had 2 and was divorced. She asked me why I didn’t feel the need to do things the right way and marry my ex. Its was completely lost on her that she (initiated) was divorced with children.

      2. That sounds like an assumption based on your interaction with a limited amount of people. People without children actually have more time to make an impact on more people versus focusing on just their own. We have more time to volunteer, accumulate wealth (so we can actually afford children comfortably), and gain from the experience of others who have started off too young.

        And yes, “getting it right” in this context does mean laying down the foundation of a strong marriage FOLLOWED by bringing children into this world. Things happen, but why purposely have children grow up in a broken home? There is an order for everything (whether you agree with it or not). Having a two-parent home has been proven time & time again to be more beneficial for children. Financially, emotionally & all the way around it is better to have the biological (if possible) parents in the home instead of only 1 parent (no matter how good they may be) or an every-other-weekend parent. There are consequences to not having a mother/father in the home.

    2. Ignorant!? Y’all baby daddies (No offense) are nothing but a victimizer! Calling a childless people ignorant is not appropriate. It’s their choice not to date a man has kid(s) because they don’t want to pursue a drama career on you. Should I call a man who doesn’t want transgender woman (I am transgender woman anyways) as ignorant? NO, it’s their choices!

    3. So, you “date” these women, but don’t marry them, so you’re in and out of their lives and, potentially, the lives of their child(ren). Who does that help? You speak of women and their clocks, but sound quite selfish and “ignorant of anything that is not directly related to [your] own situation” (a woman “being up under” you). And, I think, it’s better for a woman to let her biological clock run out “waiting for the ideal situation” than add a child into the world and add to the babydaddy-babymama drama.

  4. I am single without children and never had a desire to have children. I had permanent birth control surgery 11 years ago. Best decision I made!! I prefer to date someone without children and have absolutely no desire to be a stepmom. I also prefer to live alone. I’m a caretaker for my brother who is my only sibling. I don’t feel I missed out on anything by not having children. God had other plans for me and I am happy with the choices I made.

  5. I don’t understand the need for a blog to disparage men with children, other than being hateful. It’s simple if you don’t want to date men with children, then don’t. The need to post a passive-aggressive article about why “I” show’s self-centered narcissism. I hope you find exactly what you are looking for.

    1. People tend to make blogs like this to feel better about something that went wrong in their lives. Commenters who agree reinforce the narrative.

      1. Nothing went “wrong” in my life. If anything, I’ve chosen NOT to be a single-mother statistic, or a divorce statistic. How is that a bad thing?

  6. Wow. Girl, I get you (or you get me). I did a search on Google just to reassure myself that I wasn’t tripping and I’m so glad to have found someone who could express how I felt. I’m single, nearing 30, and I reeeally don’t want to date a man with kids….for all the reasons you mentioned. Could I do it? Probably. But it’s definitely not ideal. That can be a lot to sign up for, and like you said, I just want an “equal”. If I can remain child-free, disease-free, ex-spouse free, and on top of that, a virgin…the leeeast you can do is respect my standards and come child- and disease-free… I don’t think that’s asking too much…’cause remaining that way sure isn’t/hasn’t easy. #HeNeedsToBeACatchToo

  7. Below, in quotes, is the main reason for me…

    When both people dating already have had a child with someone else, the situation is more equal, but still, the main thing that it all boils down to is, “Is it good for the children?”.

    It often is not, but many “adults” rationalize things for their benefit & tell themselves it is… I had a “dad” & step-“mom” that would say it was, but I was the child in that situation & I can tell you it wasn’t: it was life-destroying.

    Once you have children, your life is never just yours anymore.

    “Please hold the guilt trip – Even though it wouldn’t be my fault that my husband & his ex weren’t able to make their relationship work, I would still feel somewhat guilty that his children wouldn’t be able to be with him 100% of the time. Any children we would have together would, by default, spend more time with their father under the same roof. I would feel a little bad that the children from his previous relationship get caught in the middle. Although they wouldn’t be treated as outsiders or like “evil stepchildren”, this could still potentially cause tension between them & my own children. At the end of the day, I don’t have a problem with the actual child(ren) it’s just the circumstances surrounding it all.”

    1. Probably not; I’ve never had any interest in being anyone’s stepmother (no matter the age of the child). It’s still an added responsibility (albeit less)
      Perhaps when I get to be 40 I’ll reconsider….

      Thanks for the question! 😉

      1. I couldn’t agree more with this excellent article! I was married for 15 years, divorced, and we didn’t have kids because we did a lot of traveling. I tried it out, to be fair, by dating a guy with two kids, and we broke up after less than a year (totally due to issues regarding the kids). I’m glad to have had the experience, and learned from it, since I married in my 20s and had never in my life dated anyone with kids. Now I’m 45, and I will only date guys with NO kids. NO exceptions! Since I have employed this rule, my life is much smoother.

        It is wonderful to date someone who has lots of time for me, doesn’t have to be on the phone all the damn time to the ex-wife, her parents, the kids, the kids’ babysitter, the kids’ teachers, etc. That got old real quick. The guy I’m dating now took a while to find–I’ve been divorced 5 years, but it is an awesome relationship because he has time, money, and attention for me. And I have those exact same things for him! Like you said, we both bring the same thing to the table. Also, we’re both pet lovers and have them, so we get to enjoy each others’ pets.

        It’s a good time, but if we break up, I will go right back to the same requirements. There *are* people out there like us, even in their 40s and 50s! And if I don’t find someone right away, I will be happy to wait. Would much rather do things on my own terms, with my own money, than have to negotiate with 5 different other people about every little thing. And what I’ve learned from my older-than-me friends, is that it doesn’t matter if the kids are in their 20s, 30s, or whatever. They still need their parents’ time and money, sometimes they want to come back home due to divorce, problems, etc., and now they may be bringing grandkids too. Hell to the no.

        It’s single, childfree men for me, or NOTHING. NO COMPROMISES!

        Stay strong and thanks again for a great article! 🙂

      2. I LOVE YOUR COMMENTS! Thanks so much for sharing, as sometimes women lose hope as they get older in finding Mr. Right with NO children. But, I too, believe it is possible.

        I will continue to stay strong in my quest for a child-FREE man. THANKS!!!!!! 🙂

    2. I would,so long as the adult children are lucratively, independently financially solvent; have their own lives and families; they aren’t criminals, have substance-abuse issues, and the like. This situation is an uncommon one, though.

  8. Amen and amen! And, you’re much kinder than me… I just don’t want to be bothered. Unless and until we have children together, count me out.

    Either I’m first, in ALL things and all ways, or I’m nothing (ghost). Since I have that to offer (no children in the way of putting my man first), I deserve nothing less than the same… Namasté

  9. I completely agree with that all. Not to mention I’m a bit of a selfish girlfriend. I want to be the one with the primary attention but I understand as a father he has to put his kids first when dating someone. Kids deserve that but it doesn’t suit my needs. If a kid gets the attention it better be ‘our’ kid. I’m so glad to see so many women on the same page. I am in my early 30’s and do get nervous that fewer men are out there especially since I know several women who have 2-3 kids from different fathers all of who have only children with her. But if I am childless and looking I’m sure there has to be good men who are also childless and looking also.

    1. AMEN sister!! I’m in my mid-30’s now & I know how hard it can be to find a good man without kids. BUT they are out there. Don’t give up hope 🙂
      (I haven’t!)

      P.S. – Let me know when you get a good guy without kids; I need to hear all the testimonies I can!

      1. I recently broke up with a guy who had two children. I loved him more than I loved anyone else in the past, but it still didn’t work out because of everything you said in your post (how true they are!). I had concerns when I started going out with him, but I wanted to give it a try since I really liked him, and now looking back, I really shouldn’t have done that, I got deeply hurt after this experience as I felt I couldn’t be with someone I loved because of all the issues relating to the kids. I wish I didn’t know him in the first place. I’m now having to get over him and start looking again, and I know my bottom line now, no kids, no matter how tempted I might be. I, too, worry about finding the man of my dreams as I’m getting older, and I’m also in my mid 30’s, the pool of men with no children are getting less and less, but I have to tell myself not to lose hope. Thank you for your post confirming I’m not along in feeling this way with men with kids!

      2. Thank you for reading & sharing your experiences! There are men out there who don’t have kids (in our age range) looking for a good woman. My really good guy friends are childfree, so I know they exist.

        KEEP THE FAITH! The right man will come along at the right time. And when he does, I hope you email me back & let me know (it’ll give the readers hope!) And when I find the right one, I’ll be sure to write about it 😉

      3. So Chocolate Diva, why aren”t you dating one of your good guy friends, who is single and child-free like you?

    2. There are…

      I married and divorced a men with children and while I still talk with my step children my ex was such a loser… It’s too much to explain. I never had kids and married and divorced young. After my divorce I concentrated even more on my career and do very well for myself now and father a bit but no single dads… Never again… It seemed bleak but if you’re in a city is easier… So I eventually met my bf will is 33 with no children. He’s smart… College educated… Kind… He was a marine… He’d strong and sexy… And we fit perfectly… We both work for the same company but I work directly for the coo and he works as a assistant project manager.. I am a project controller and coordinator… We have a nice life and even though I make more were very evenly yoked… You can find great men who didn’t have kids if you’re willing to keep looking. There are plenty who are waiting until they meet a woman they feel is as good for them as we think they are for us…

      Keep your head up

  10. Words cannot describe how grateful I am to know I’m not alone! I believe both of your post described my feelings perfectly! Thanks for your honesty. I’ve had this debate with too many people to count and often get a resounding “you’ll learn someday”, “everyone has kids nowadays” (not me), or some other discouraging comment because I don’t want to deal with the things you mention above. Also, with the “you’ll learn someday”, I haven’t quite understood what I’ve misunderstood about my own personal presences I’ve been developing for 30 years. If anything, I should be the first to learn about what I do and don’t like. Anyway, stay encouraged, keep the faith, and please don’t feel like you have to “settle”. As you stated in the other post and I’ve told people a thousand times, “I only need one.”

    1. Why, thank you for reading!

      Since I don’t have any kids myself, I believe that there are men out there who don’t either. I don’t want to have to take into consideration someone else’s child when it comes to my time, finances or anything else. There are still some good men out there who are childless. Just hold on!

      1. I totally agree with you, Chocolate Diva. I single and childless as well, and I pray that God will send me a wonderful man that can deliver the same!

  11. I know this is old, but this sounds exactly like my thoughts. I can’t believe how spot on this is of my own feelings towards men with children. No shade to the women who don’t mind this type of situation, but men with children aren’t for me, and these are the reasons why. Thank you for posting this in such a tactful way.

  12. I know this is an old blog post, but I think a woman should be open to the man that God has for her. In that case, whatever package deal the man may come with (kids or anything else for that matter), at least it’s a sure bet that you will be incredibly happy, especially with God’s seal of approval on the relationship. Because there’s also the possibility of marrying a guy with no kids who you are not meant to be with being absolutely miserable.

    1. Yes, thank you for reading & commenting on this post! I agree, but I know that we all have preferences. I have since opened myself up to dating men with kids, but there is a greater expectation that I have of them because they are bringing “baggage” more to the table. I do pray that God’s will be done in my life – not my will – but I do know that He grants us the desires of our heart & for some people that would be a spouse with no existing children.

      Come back again!

    2. How do you know exactly if you have “god’s seal of approval” on a relationship?
      I think children are the most divine thing, so I’d actually think someone wasn’t for me if they already created (what gods do) a child with someone else.

      1. If you have a good relationship with God then you should be able to know when He is pleased with the person you’re dating. Things will feel easy & uncomplicated. There will still be challenges but a sense of peace about facing those challenges together should prevail. Things should just flow….

  13. My issue is that marriage and children are something special and not something you do or have with just anyone. It is so hard and different being with someone with a child when you are childless.

    You miss out on it just being the two of you and no matter how the man may try or how open minded you are it’s not the same. It’s never gonna be just you and him. It’s you, him his kid (s) and ex and guess what? You’re 3rd and will always be.

    Some people don’t mind and can deal with it but others can’t.

    I know that I want to build a relationship with someone without any outside interruptions and go through being their first in the journey of a lifetime together.

    I want to offer only having married one person and all those experiences that you go through, having children and all those first but I just want the same in return. It’s not fair to me to be the only one experiencing it. Marriage and children are something special and I want to have that with someone that only has that with me. It’s not fair for me to settle and offer something I won’t get in return

  14. I agree with your points not wanting to date men with kids. I’m in my late 30s, I have a son and do not want to date men with kids so like me, it’s not only childless people who don’t want to date someone with kids. I have past experience..I hated all the baby mum drama, giving money to her (she should get off her lazy backside and go find work), different parenting styles, I don’t genuinely care about someone else’s kids, the fact that I would not be giving my partner his first child and many other reasons. I believe I’m entitled to want the best for myself and my child, it’s my life and i’m the master of it. I’m educated, supporting myself and confident I will meet the man of my dreams..without kids.

  15. Its your story. We all have the right to want what we want. My experience marrying a man with children was very expensive. Courts demanded my pay stubs in a child support hearing. Long story short. We know pay 1700 a month to a my husband jobless sons mom. Sucks I feel punished for being successful. Its a lot to think about when dating men with children. Yes, you should focused on you first. Excuse the typo’s please. Be blessed.

    1. Did you ever stop to think that maybe he married you because you were successful and he was probably broke? A lot of these single dads are doing this now; they date or marry women who is doing better than them in life….

  16. I’ve been thinking about my position and I have to say I am a bit hypocritical, because I don’t date fat women. I have valid reasons and it’s not because they just disgust me visually. It’s like dating someone with children you know you can’t treat them poorly, or discipline them just because they are fat.

    Even if they are healthy you know that one day extreme health issues will arise and cost lots of time, money and heartache, so what’s the point?

    No equality, they’ll typically eat more than a non-fat person, and hide their issues like a closet junkie and like in denial, so there’s very little in common with these types of people.

    I don’t want to be judged because I’m living with an over-weight person with little self control, and the fact that I have to lie to her to make her feel good about herself.

    So I guess we have a lot in common. I guess we all have our issues.

  17. I’ve been on both sides of this:(I’m male)
    I married a woman with kids, divorced, and now I have 2 of my own full time; dating a woman with no kids.
    I thoroughly regret getting involved with a mother. It blew a hole in my life, destroyed my chance at dreams, stalled my emotional growth, and the drama with her ex controlled my life for 10 years.

    I have no ex drama, yet dating a childless woman is a challenge for ALL the reasons stated. While I’m thrilled that she chooses to spend time with me, I live in fear that she may someday regret giving up so much to join my family. She would be giving up the life -I- wanted AND the life -she- wanted.

  18. At the end of the day, everyone has a dating preference. How is this any different than a White man not wanting to date an African-American woman, or a thin woman not wanting to date a 350 lb man? What about a short man not wanting a tall woman? I suppose you would “shame” them as well?

    You haven’t given any reasons as to why you feel the way you do; at least my article defended my stance on the matter.

    1. Ah ha ha ha. In addition to the staggering amount of “I” & “me” you seem to base your expectations on your ideas while reality doesn’t get any consideration. You’re over 30 right? Your chances of getting married are about 1 in 6. Here in reality men don’t go looking for women older than 30 if they want kids, not to mention who wants their kids mother to be self centered & demanding.

      1. Not sure what country or part of the world you’re in but statistically you are incorrect. The average age for a woman to be married is approx. 28. Plenty of men want women who are 30 (or 30+) – check the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics before you make those types of comments.

        And if you thought there were a lot of “I’s” & “me” in my post, guess what? It’s MY blog so of course I’m gonna write from MY perspective & MY opinion.

        Check ya later…..

  19. How is not wanting to take on someone else’s responsibility showing a “lack of depth”? While everything is not about the money, why should I HAVE to share my hard earned resources with a child I did not help create? You bash my post, but offer no answers. You provide ZEERO insight as to why a childfree woman such as myself should be willing to date men with children. What reasons do you offer? Where are the benefits?

    I actually plan on writing another article soon with more reasons NOT to date men with kids, or divorced men for that matter. We all have issues; I’d just rather not deal with any that have to do with someone else’s children.

    I don’t mind men with children running from me, like you – that’s the whole point of my article:)

    Thanks for reading. Stop by again real soon!

    1. Wasn’t there a ancient saying or proverb that says not to argue with a fool?

      Chocolate Vent save your wisdom for someone who is objective enough to see that blended families and/or relationships with step-kids involved are more complex than nuclear ones.

      If a childless woman or man doesn’t want to date someone that already has offspring, wish them well. They don’t have any friggin’ kids!!! It appears to me that anyone that has this perspective is NOT honest, self-aware, or objective at ALL!

      I mean, most folks don’t want to date and/or marry someone with a bunch of debt or level of unattractiveness (ugly) that is unequal to theirs. So, I guess, it’s okay for a person with kids to say, “I want someone in shape, tall, blonde, etc…” ?

      Yet, when a childless person happens to add, “I want a mate who is also childless” to their lists, some parents want to cry foul.

      Hmm….so, it’s ok for YOU to desire what YOU want in a mate, but a childless person is painted as selfish, self-centered, or superficial because desire their EQUAL??

      Who sounds more selfish? Be honest! Tell yourself the truth.

    2. Again, you haven’t given ANY reasons why it’s “okay” or even better to date a man with kids. An explanation, something. All you said is that I am wrong for the way I feel – but no “proof” as to why it’s such a bad/negative stance to take.

    3. I COMPLETELY understand and applaud your post. I am currently in a relationship with a 33 year old man who has a 9 year old daughter. Let me tell you it is definitely not something I signed up for. I am 20, childless, & still figuring out my life plan. From the moment he told me he had a daughter; The first thing that came to my mind was “oh hell no do not settle”! Of course, I gave him a chance just to experience how things would go. We’ve been together for a year now & honestly I love his daughter like she’s my own. She has never been nasty, rude or disrespectful towards me so she is not really an issue. The issue surrounds his finances & child support payments. It irritates me that he pays his babymama weekly; Yet she still wants more money. Funny thing is she is married & has two other children with her husband. Two incomes and you’re still asking for more money? I just don’t get that. Then, when my boyfriend vents to me about his babymama, I’m almost always speechless. I really feel for him. I can see the regret in his eyes when he talks about her; In reality there’s nothing I can say or do to change the fact that he has a babymama/child. He made the decision to lay down with her & create a child. I’m not the one who procreated so it’s not my fault his child is a burden.

      It is not my duty to care for his daughter. Although, I love the fact that his daughter loves & respects me. She is still not my child so I don’t feel that “9 month connection”. I really dislike the whole “stepmother” role. At times I feel bad for feeling this way but it’s the truth. When my boyfriend talks about his daughter’s younger years & future; Sometimes it annoys me because I feel that he’s already experienced parenthood & while I’m still childless I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent. Also another issue is the fact that he’s expressed that he wants more children which I do want some day but… with him being 13 years older than me; He has already said he wants another child & marriage at least in the next 2-3 years. He feels his time is “ticking” but that’s not my problem.

      I will still be in my early twenties and I do not want to rush into marriage or motherhood. I am not ready for all of that. Hell, I’m not even established yet myself so I know I’m not ready to be a wife or mother. I also think about if we do stay together & have children, will his daughter become jealous that he’ll spend more time with our children? Will there be tension between her & her new siblings? There are so many questions that run through my mind about this relationship. I’m unsure if I want to continue being with him. I do deeply care for him & his daughter but, I’m getting more than I bargained for.

      I am soooo happy I found your blog! You’ve listed so many valid reasons as to why dating single fathers are a no go! I agree 100% with what you’ve said. I’ve been contemplating if this is something I truly want. You are NOT selfish at all for not wanting to date a single father. We are childless ourselves so what’s so bad about wanting a childless man? I am looking forward to your post on more reasons why dating a single father isn’t a good idea. Thank you!

    4. I’m in my early 40s, great looking, educated, with two older/grown (educated) children. I’m also a divorcee. There’s no way I’d date a man — a middle-aged man — with school-aged children. Just no way. I state very, very strictly that I date men whose children are grown and independent or who’s childless. NO EXCEPTIONS.

      A man in his late thirties haggled me for NOT wanting to date somebody younger than 40 and who’s saddled with responsibilities, especially financial responsibilities. (I was there, done that, don’t want to do it, again.) Alas, I told him this:

      –My preferences are stated on my profile and I’ve said NO to you, in e-mail.

      –I’m not interested in subsidizing your child-support, either by affordable housing/bills/interest-free loans via me or me splitting the dates bills so you can save somewhere else. (I’d guarantee that if he met somebody considerably younger than him, he’d blow off child support, to support her, so much for the “my kid(s) come first and they’re my world.)

      –I’m uninterested in your baby-momma’s drama. (Save it for Maury.)

      –Availability: You have none!

      –I’m finished raising my kids, and I don’t want to do it, again.

      –It’s my life (body, finances, et al) and I decide who gets to share it with me.

      He insisted I should make an exception, that it’s my loss and I’m missing out. I told him he wasted his time annoying a woman who isn’t interested in him. BLOCKED.

      Men have all of the privilege of swiping by a profile of a woman with children they don’t want. Why am I not entitled to the same? Just because I have (grown and older) children doesn’t mean I’m obligated to date somebody with children (or younger children).

      You’ve the right to decide who shares your life, sleeps in your bed, eats your food, enters your body, and occupies your space. When I was your age, I sure as hell didn’t date men at any age with children. No blooming way!

      1. I still prefer not to date men with ANY kids, but if they do it needs to be an older child which means NO child support! If men have the option of dating younger women, then yes – we have the option of dating child-free men.

        There are still some good men out there who don’t have kids. Keep the faith 🙂

        (And thanks for reading my blog!)

    5. I am absolutely flabbergasted at the arrogance of Robert. He has the nerve to judge women that don’t want all the issues as stated from other posters here, and describes people like us as “shallow” and he has just gone on about how he doesn’t date fat women. You can’t get more shallow than that – your hypocrisy is hilarious! Probably half of women these days are overweight to some degree. I’m a size 16 therefore you’d probably avoid me like the plague. But I’m attractive and healthy and don’t have self control issues. Likewise I’d avoid you like the plague cos you have kids – for all the reason that others have pointed out. Why does that make me any more shallow than you?! And why do you have any more right to state what you want in a partner than us?!!

      You say that people are saying me me me, I don’t see that at all. And you’re not saying me me me in that your kids come first and your ex wife and your kids sports day and your kids maintenance etc. Open your eyes, the whole thing is revolving around YOU! and all the concessions you assume people will accept readily.

      How dare you say people who don’t want kids lack depth. I have plenty to offer and I’m sure the others do too. You don’t know us. I have friends I’ve had for years and I have loyalty, integrity and many other qualities – just cos I don’t want someone else’s kids doesn’t make me a horrible person you idiot!

      And the end of the day, we all have deal breakers and know what we want and don’t want and no one has any right to tell us what we can demand and what we can’t. A man that only wants a woman who is a size 10, and a woman who only dates men 6 foot and above may find their choices limited and may be labelled as shallow, but at the end of the day it’s their life and why should they settle for less than what they want. Likewise people who don’t want kids should deserve the same respect for their choices. And personally, I think it’s a much bigger deal. We all see life from our own lens and YOU are being just as selfish for not understanding the very valid reasons that everyone has pointed out. You fail to realise that the childless person is doing ALL the compromising, all the accepting, all the giving up while nothing changes for you, and you just expect that they’ll fit in with all of those conditions and compromises cos you’re the one with the kids. Well life doesn’t work like that. It’s about give and take. No one has mentioned inheritence. Why on earth, of someone has money, should they leave all their wealth to someone else’s kids.
      I think this argument is such a big one that people just need to accept others view’s bit as always people are blinkered.

      I’d rather be single that date someone with kids for ALL the very valid reasons above.
      Don’t you dare call people selfish or shallow cos that don’t want kids. That argument never ceases to infuriate me.
      Ladies (and men), don’t take any notice of people like this. You hold out for what you want. There must be plenty of other people in our situation.

  20. I’m a single woman in her 30’s who shared the same views all my life. But in time I found that most of the single guys I’ve dated with out kids never seemed to work. I’m now engaged to the love of my who happens to have 2 children by 2 different women who he hasn’t been “with” in years and everybody knows and understands this. Now at first when he told me he had kids I was like GIRL RUN!!!!! but I just couldn’t…. this man was amazing and treated me better than any single man I’ve ever dated without kids he doesn’t even curse. As I got to know him I learned that he made poor decisions when he was young and irresponsible which lead him to be a father 2x. Then he introduced me to his kids and when I saw how he interacted with them it made me fall deeper in love with him because to me he was a man who loved his kids and just doing the best he can to make sure that they know their father loves them no matter what happened between and their mothers. I know what my fiancé wants most of all is to have another shot at having a “real” family where Mom and Dad are married living under the same with the kids while at the same time including his 2 daughters which he should. I love his daughters like my own and there really innocent in all of this. None of his children’s mothers are interested him in “that way” one is a happy relationship and has since had more children his 2nd child’s mother has burned all bridges with the family and has cause him so much embarassment and pain that their both just done with each other and she’s moved. I’ve said all that to say that not all men with kids are drama and some are really wonderful guys who made some poor decisions and have even grown from them. The man my fiancé is today is not the man or “boy” he was back then. These life lessons if anything has helped him become the best man he can be. I know he will be a great father to our children. I may not be his first but I’m certainly his last and that means something to me. No matter who you meet, It will be impossible to be their “first” at everything. Also it’s all on the guy, my fiancé makes me feel loved and I never feel like I’m competing with anyone for his love and affection. Kids are a package deal …..just like when you marry someone you marry their family. So if you truly love the man you will assist him in Anyway thats IF he even needs your help. My fiancé provides for his children and has a great family who has strong family values my “finances” are not drained Like I use to fear they would be. There’s hope. Also remember some of these men could be single fathers or men who can’t see their children because their child’s mother won’t let them. Each situation is different I love my fiancé and I’m proud of the man he is today hes taught me a lot about love and I can’t imagine my life without him. You guys should watch Daddy’s Girls by Tyler Perry as a positive perspective to finding true love with a man with kids

    1. Hi, thank you so much for reading! I really enjoyed reading your love story; it’s very inspiring 🙂

      My own friends tell me the same thing – I should consider being open minded. As a matter of fact, I’m headed to a wedding this summer of a friend who is marrying a divorcee with 1 child (who she absolutely adores!). I know that it can work for some people, I just don’t think I’m there yet. 😦

      I wouldn’t know how to deal with the financial aspect – most men don’t make enough to FULLY support 2 households. Plus I can’t fathom that my paycheck would go to support someone else’s child going to college. Not to mention how do you handle the discipline aspect? I guess it all depends on the age & temperament of the child but I feel like I should be able to “properly” discipline any child that is under my roof. How do you manage those conversations with your fiancé & those other 2 mothers? What happens if you don’t get along with your stepkids mothers?

      I think it would bother me because he’s bringing something “extra” into the relationship & I’m not. Yes, you accept the total package and I’m no saint, I guess I would expect him to go above & beyond because of his children, knowing that it can sometimes complicate things.

      I know that there are plenty of good men who have children from previous relationships but helping to raise/co-parenting someone else’s kids at this point in my life would be an issue for me. I still hold to the notion that if I have made it this far w/out having children, surely there is a man out there who has done the same.

      I am curious though: How did you get over it initially? I mean what made you NOT run? I understand once you got to know him, you fell in love but what made you continue to go out with him in the 1st place? Most people mention their kids in the 1st or 2nd phone call (or date) so that’s when I get my running shoes out. Lol!

      Thanks for movie recommendation. I’ve seen Daddy’s Girls before, but it was ions ago – maybe I’ll check it out again!

      1. It’s easy for your friends to say that when they’re probably not in the situation. I have a childless friend that’s getting married next year, to an equally childless man, and she also told me to be open minded. With advice like this, I’ll take with a grain of salt….

  21. It’s sad that prople assume a woman over 30 without kids is strange. I’m guessing there’s no side eye if she’s nog married, just that she didn’t have kids “outside of wedlock” (as my mother says). Anyway these people must not get out much, of deal with other cultures. I look around at my kids’ school and many of these parents didn’t start having kids until after 35, and they only had two, with a spouse. And they are well off. It takes time to build a career. Having children young, especially alone or not in a committed telationship — it seems to affect earnings. There are plenty of folks who don’t have kids before 30. Plenty. Especially men. Hell some of the dads at my kids’ school didn’t even marry until 40. So though it may be strange to some people to be childfree after 30 but that may speak to their circle of friends and not to national averages. And there is an economic and educational component. Doctors and lawyers, business people — they’re still in school at 25-30! I have a group of friends who either didn’t have kids at all, had kids late or only had one or two. People of color. I find it strange when 40 year olds are grandparents. It’s just not what I’m used to seeing. Sometimes i get asked if I have kids. It offends me if they haven’t first asked if I’ve been married.

    I refuse to expect that single men havd kids. I might not be surprised, but I will not expect it. And If you don’t want to date them, that’s fine. There are consequences to having kids.

    1. Yes, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am over 3o with no kids, and most of my close friends don’t have any either. And none of us are married. I think it’s unfortunate that people are getting married later & later in life, but that’s still no excuse to have kids outta wedlock. I am willing to wait it out until I meet someone without a kid.

      P.S. – There will be a pt. 2 to this post, so stay tuned!

      1. Great..I’m also waiting for marriage but it’s been a bumpy road and pressures from family members to just have a baby because I am getting older smh

      2. I hear ya! I’m a few years older than you & I know the pressure is REAL. Statistically speaking, it is quite hard to find a good (and attractive) man without kids the older you get but DON’T give up hope. Just like we “beat the odds” by not having kids yet, there are some good guys that don’t have kids yet either. He’ll come…..

        Thanks for reading! =)

      3. It’s not unfortunate that people are getting married later in life; they’re doing what’s best for them and shouldn’t be judged because of that!

      4. Yes, but everybody is coming into these marriages with “baggage” the later in life they get married. 😦
        Why should I have to put up with someone else’s kids?

      5. No one is suggesting that you put up with somebody else’s kids; I don’t want to put up with somebody else’s kids either but the point you made about people getting married later in life means maybe they’ve tried to work on themselves before they settle down with somebody and have a family. I’m in my forties now and more than likely I will be one of the ones getting married “later in life.”

  22. I happened upon this blog tonight, and I’m so glad I did! I found myself saying, “Yes! Oh my god, yes!” to every point you made! You explained so well a lot of the feelings I’ve had lately. I recently turned 40, and it’s getting harder finding men who don’t have children, but I’m determined to at least try.
    My last three relationships have all ended at least vaguely because of child issues. The first was mama jealousy, the last because he has his kids so often it was impossible to actually date. The 2nd was the love of my life, who I was with for 7 years. He has 2 kids with 2 women, the older of which was an honor student who came home to live with us when she got pregnant her sophomore year. She made our lives miserable, and I ended up raising that baby practically by myself for almost three years. (On top of him paying $1k a month in child support for child 2) Our relationship never recovered from the stress.
    I hope that’s not TMI, just illustrating that there are so many things that can go wrong, and it’s not limited to any race or class level. It’s across the board! (These 3 were Asian, white, and biracial). So, thank you again for writing so perfectly what I have struggled to really explain to my friends this past year..

    1. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog!

      I’m glad you were able to relate to what I wrote. I am in my early 30’s and am holding on to hope for a man with no children. I know it’s possible at any age as I have many older gentlemen friends who are childless (they are not my type of course).

      Your dream man is out there somewhere! Not all men after a certain age of children. Too bad that the love of your life, guy #2, wasn’t able to make things work with you despite the issues with his own child. Some men don’t realize what they have until it’s out of their life & I’m sure he’s missing you now. I’ve dated a guy like your #3 and it really sucks being placed on the backburner just because he has a child. (And no that wasn’t TMI; thank you for sharing!)

      I find it quite unfortunate that it is “normal” these days to expect that most single men will have children. What has happened to our society? I refuse to settle or compromise, as this is one of my non-negotiables.

      Stay tuned, because I plan on writing a Part 2 soon!

      Thanks again for reading 🙂

  23. Your reasons for not wanting a single father are more than enough and wholly valid. I would like to add also that the reasons you listed are the same ones that a lot of us – men who’re single and childless – do not chase after single mothers, not even for dating. We’d rather wait for that one woman who has no kids, since there are many out there.

    I would not accept a woman with children under ANY circumstances. And if my life-soulmate (whoever she may be) happened to have one with some other man I guess we’d both die without having our love life fulfilled lol. But then again I don’t believe in the concept of having someone out there tailored just for you, so I’ll be fine.

    Life’s too short to settle for less ladies, get what you rightly deserve or die trying.

    1. “If my life-soulmate happened to have one with some other man I guess we’d both die without having our love fulfilled”

      That’s hilarious!!!! But oh, so true! I think once I get to be 45+ years old I’ll make some exceptions, but even at that point his kids need to be older (meaning grown & AWAY in college or something).

      I can’t understand why anyone would want someone with kid(s) when there are so many people without kids who are available. I have heard that some men who grew up in a single-parent household have the utmost respect for single moms & would be more than happy to be with a woman who has a kid because of their own background. But other than that it just doesn’t make sense. Would I rather have someone with ‘baggage’ or ‘without baggage’? Hhhmmm…

      Don’t get me wrong, I have my own issues but if I can bring a little less “baggage” into the relationship then I’d like to think that the man who marries me is winning! Lol!

      Now, I need to write a post about people who think there’s something wrong with women/men who are over 30 & don’t have any kids yet. It’s almost like I’m an alien because I haven’t gotten knocked up yet. Geesh!

      Anyhow, thanks for reading!

    2. I totally agree about the soul mate… If they were your soul mate they would have the same feelings about dating someone with children and wouldn’t have any until they meet you if that’s even something y’all wanted

  24. I somehow just stumbled upon your blog and I think you have been reading my mind as well. You have perfectly stated my sentiments! I am also in my early thirties and just recently back into dating scene after being with a black mand that is emotionally immature. All the men except one white guy has at least one child if not more and never married. I do not want to be a second best at all. Im glad I found this blog for moral support, having a hard time accepting this.

    1. Thank you so much for stopping by & reading! It’s so good to meet like-minded women who face the same EXACT problem. I think it’s unfortunate that this is now considered the “new norm”. I, for one, do not accept that.

      I’m know there are plenty of eligible bachelors without children, it’s just a matter of meeting the right one.

      Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone – he’s out there somewhere, probably looking for you too!

  25. Coming from a woman that is dating a man that dated a single mother previously, dating a single parent affects more than one person. My husband was with his ex for 5 years. She has 3 kids by 3 men so he accepted her kids as his own. When we met, he told me he had no children. But I think I should have been more specific in my questions. He still communicates with her kids. He even has their names inked on his back. He tries to tell me he doesn’t talk to his ex at all, but I find it incredibly hard to believe to have such a relationship with her kids on a daddy level and he not communicate with her. My boyfriend tells me he loves me all the time and he’s very good at showing that. But marriage and children seems to not be in his mind. And it’s not because of me. It’s because of his ex’s kids, in particularly her youngest son. I feel he doesn’t wanna hurt them. But they aren’t his to begin with. He gets mad when I saw maybe she needs to channel that same energy to her kids daddies and not you. I love this man. But I don’t think he’s ready to let go of the past and move on. And indirectly, his “step children” have gotten in the way of our happiness and his decision to move on entirely.

    1. It’s very unfortunate that he’s not willing to let go of the past but I think it’s very noble of you to hang in there.

      He has been completely honest with you though but it still sounds like you deserve better. There is nothing wrong with expecting more or expecting better from someone who “says” they love you.

      Thanks for reading my post. Please come back or feel free to leave comments anytime!

  26. And here I thought I was the only one who felt this way! Thanks for the good read. I myself have been called selfish because of this decision, but since I’ve dated many men with children I have found the whole situation to be just plain exasperating. And dang it, life is too short for all that drama! I still keep an open mind though… you just never know what God has in store. And my God definitely has a sense of humor 🙂

  27. Hmmm…start a club? Interesting, I had been contemplating something like that. I think we women, especially black women need to encourage one another to stay strong. In the midst of a constant barrage of being looked upon as “odd” because we haven’t procreated yet. And, also have the audacity to prefer a childless man — we, most certainly, need a place to seek solace, encouragement, and a chuckle.


    1. Great article, you’ve perfectly articulated my stance on why I don’t date men who have kids or isn’t established in life past a certain age (mentally and financially).

      In response to Anna, I agree, maybe a sub group can be started on reddit.

  28. Chocolate Vent….”Girl!” You said a mouthful and I’m sitting here as the “amen” choir fully agreeing. “Can I get a witness!”

    This is a very sensitive area for me. I’m a single, never married woman of a certain age. And, I can tell you this. A man with children will NOT be my first or even second choice. Yes, I do have a belief in God and would only accept a man with kids IF he is the person God purposed for me. Even then, I’d still be praying that God made a mistake. LOL!

    It’s a lot to take on and every single one of your points resonates with me. So much so that I try not to mention that I prefer dating childless men because I know that most people will give me the side eye and call me selfish, immature, and all about self. Which is true to a certain extent, but aren’t most people this way — especially when it comes to dating? People like what they like, but when it comes to the topic of kids, if you readily admit to preferring someone without children, it is something that is almost automatically judged.

    My opinion about this has been developed over time as I listen to friend and foe talk about the complexities of dating someone with children. I also have dated someone with kids – 3 and learned from that experience that I’ll never be #1, financially I’m going to have to pull more weight, and I’m going to have to deal with multiple people in my relationship from the children, to the mama(s), to the grandparents, to the friends, etc…. WHEW! That is a lot for someone without kids to take on.

    Also, I find it fascinating that people with kids oftentimes prefer to date and/or marry childless people, because they, themselves understand kids change the relationship dynamic. While I don’t judge others for dating those with kids, I’d also like the same respect as a childless woman. It’s just not for everyone.

    Unfortunately, as a black woman over 30, finding a mate with a similar life experience is getting harder and harder, but I’m determined to find that needle in a haystack. Heck….if I can’t find it in a dark, chocolate, cocoa-smooth brutha, I’ll consider men of other nationalities. That’s how strong I feel about this subject. Why should I compromise everything? After all, this is MY life we are talking about.

    1. YES! Thank you for your comments. I’m in my early thirties so I definitely feel the pressure and it makes me sick to my stomach (even depresses me) that I “may” have to settle for someone with kids. It so upsetting to think that I did “the right thing” by waiting but there is no reward for it all. I absolutely HATE that having a child is considered the norm these days. I don’t necessarily volunteer that I’m looking for a childless man, but I do include it if someone asks me.

      I don’t want to miss my blessing, but the Word tells us that He will grant the desires of our hearts so to me that means He knows what I want & hopefully He will give it to me. Otherwise, maybe our prayer needs to be that God changes our heart. He can change the way we think & feel about men with children so that we are more open to the idea. I don’t like that solution, but it’s the only other option I can think of.

      I don’t think it’s selfish of you to want what you want. I think it’s selfish of someone with kids to expect a woman to take on the burden of stepmother, especially if she doesn’t have any kids herself. Why would you think I should have to put YOUR child first, pay for your child, help raise your child and deal with that child’s other family? The fact that I want to put my man/husband first is the antithesis of selfish.

      There is nothing wrong with going to the “other side”. I’ve dated outside the race although I’m not all that attracted to anything other than a Black man. But if that’s the route I need to take, so be it.

      All in all, don’t settle don’t even compromise. Your man will come! There are plenty of haystacks & that needle is out there somewhere. And remember, every man with kids that you reject is just one less frog you have to kiss. One less person to waste your time & energy on.

      I think it’s totally unfair what we are going through. My friends & I sometimes cry ourselves to sleep because of the situation we are in, but all I can do is keep telling myself that “The best is yet to come!”

      1. Chocolate Vent….we must be related in some way. Because everything you’ve said is EXACTLY how I feel. Thinking that I did things the “right” way and potentially still not getting any reward also sickens me and quite honestly, disappoints me. Case in point, I decided to be more proactive about finding a mate and decided to do some online dating. I can tell you that 95% of the black men that contacted me had at least 1 child. AND…get this, most of the time they were never married. Depressing! Then, I’d get questions on “why I didn’t have any kids”. SMH.

        Anyway…I won’t beat a dead horse, but I will say this. Settling is not an option. Surely, there must be someone of appropriate age walking around in this world that is a suitable mate for me withOUT any kids. LOL. #operationchildlessman

      2. THAT’S RIGHT! If we beat the statistics by not having any children then surely there are 2 men walking around this earth that beat those statistics as well. We’ll find them; No, they’ll find us!!!

        #OperationChildlessMan in effect.
        (Hey, you should start a club online. We can uplift each other, share tips on where to meet men & tell funny dating stories or something. LOL!)

      3. I’m in my early thirties so I definitely feel the pressure and it makes me sick to my stomach (even depresses me) that I “may” have to settle for someone with kids. It so upsetting to think that I did “the right thing” by waiting but there is no reward for it all.”

        THIS! There’s a guy, T.J. that loves me that we just don’t have a connection, but he’s childless, like me. The man I love, J.R., (who also loves me) has 5 children by 3 women (he’s also 7 years older than me). I’ve been going back and forth with the thought of being with him in an actual relationship. We’re just friends at this point. I even tried to do the mature thing and meet with the mother of the last 3 (ages 2-9) and she is about that selfish, drama life (she quit her job to pursue a ‘career’ in entertainment. Mind you, she has a 17 year-old whose father raised him). I’m not for it, so I’m torn. I feel like I’ll have to either settle with my heart or settle with the drama. I’m really just trying to hold onto faith, but it’s getting harder because I do want my own family.

      4. Yes, it is hard to find a decent guy without the extra “baggage”. People continually tell me to settle, but I’m not gonna do it! I don’t think it’s too much to ask for (especially considering I don’t have any & I am 30+), so I have to maintain that God knows what’s best for me & what it is that I desire in a mate.

        Stand strong sister!

  29. I know some people may disagree with your decision and reasons, but I support the fact that you have every right to want what you want. Of all your reasons, “I Want To Be The First” is one that child-free women should think about and might not. It’s not the same the second or third time around, even if your relationship is much better and healthier than previous one he had with the mother of his child(ren). If you haven’t had children yet it’s fine to hope for a clean slate when you do so. That’s not to say that some wonderful man who has children might not end up being the one, I’m talking about having preferences and sticking by what you (as an individual) want. As your new baby cries and you go to soothe him/her and see what’s wrong, it would hurt to hear your husband say, “We used to do it like this. This works.” It’s a little thing, but if it matters, it matters. You have the right to want to be the only mom. (I have a friend who has had her first baby, his second. It’s not the same. She’s not married so technically she’s baby mama number two. And both kids are the same gender and only a few years apart age. And the older kid was at the shower and she has to “get along” with the mother of the child — forever.) Oh and you’re absolutely right about the ability to move. Not having mobility is something that plagues us (black people) in general, I think. You might not be able to pick up and move across country or the world if he’s got kids.

    To me, I also think that the men out there need to have someone tell them or actually have some consequence from having become a father. For women, having children changes things –our body, our desirability to some other men, jobs we can take, etc. and all the practical things you listed above. But for men, they can make kids and it certainly doesn’t affect their body, even temporarily, and if the children are living with the mom, then he still has a measure of freedom, even if he sees the kids often. If all women will still date him and not care that he has children, there’s no reason not to make a couple of babies during your twenties. And I feel that some of these women, especially the very young ones, have his additional children for the unstated reason that she wants to be on the same level as the mother of this first children. (Shhh that’s one of those things you’re not supposed to say out loud. But I bet it’s hard to just be the girlfriend when the other woman is the mother of his kids.) It’s a slippery slope. Plus, there is no incentive for a man to put off having children until he is sure (and sure he wants to live with them), financially stable, maybe married (though I guess most don’t feel this is a necessity), have savings, insurance, etc. or simply to put off having children until he is sure that this is the only woman he will ever have children with. If he can have children (irresponsibility — meaning, no life partnering was even contemplated, yet the child was not a high school mistake) and still be able to expect to attract a never married, child free woman who has herself together? That kind of upsets the balance.

    I wish some men would realize that if they start making babies with women who just want babies but who are not potential life partners they might miss out on a woman like you. That’s not dissing black men, it’s valuing yourself and telling the men that they need to think before procreating. And as women, we can be good people without having to accept everything into our lives. And thirty years old?, for a guy? to not have kids is not too much to ask or expect. What, in our culture, makes it so we accept, even expect and enable a never married man to have had children before 30? Especially considering the lower income levels among black people? Having kids early doesn’t help our ability to save, own property, be educated, mobile, etc. (It’s the same for women but women do have a biological clock that kicks in, but not at 30 though.) On online profiles it almost seems mean and superior to check the box that says you are looking for a man without children. Yet, no one (men or women) has a hard time checking boxes related to religion or body type or pets. As a woman, if you’ve waited to have children you should not have to deal with someone else’s kids if you don’t want to. It’s okay. Hell, if you’ve had children, you don’t have to deal with someone else’s kids.

    I think it’s okay to want what you want.

    1. Thank you for your response!

      I think there’s a lot of merit to what you said about the men with kids missing out on women without kids. I think the same can be said about women with kids who expect to have a Prince Charming. The balance is definitely thrown off, and I hope that I (or women like myself) don’t have to end up compromising. =(

    2. Thanks so much. I simply could not understand why men got mad at me when I said I was looking for a man who did not have any children. I in no way feel superior to a woman who has them I just feel like why should i have to deal with it if I chose not to have any. I have been told “have a fun being alone for life.” “enjoy your vibrator.” and I find them kinda mean spirited. I don’t understand it because I imagine that same person isn’t interested in someone 600 pounds and would think nothing of checking that box. So stupid what the hell is wrong with them. I was just sick and tired of men contacting me just by a picture as opposed to what i am putting in my profile. I even put a note in that i am looking for a person who enjoys a childfree lifestyle. It seems to be to be very simple.

      1. Yes, I understand what you are talking about – it is very difficult to find a God-fearing man without children. I am in my early 30’s but find myself dating men 10+ older because at that age their children are already grown & child support is no longer an issue (ha!). I think having children & being divorced is the “norm” nowadays so it’s considered unreasonable to desire someone without all that “baggage”.

        There really is nothing wrong with being single. Even if your desire is to be married, it doesn’t mean that you still won’t meet that ‘special someone’. Although being single is not my 1st choice, I realize I’d rather be “alone” than to deal with being with someone who doesn’t really meet my dating requirements. That man would know that I’m unhappy being “2nd best” and it could possibly cause me to be resentful, which is not healthy.

        Just like I’m single with no kids, I know there’s someone out there for me with no kids too. We just have to patient!!

  30. I used to feel as you do in not getting involved with a man with children. All points made are valid points. I live some of those points, fortunately for me, not all. What trumps everything though is that I have a wonderful husband and I would have missed out on a great friend and partner had I stuck to my original decree. I do respect your thoughts on the subject and my intention is not to change your mind. I do want to offer the fact that our marriage is better than any of the circumstances that surround it.

    1. That sounds very encouraging, but I guess I would always wonder if there is another man out there who doesn’t have kids that would be a better fit for me.

      I would be scared that I would end up resenting my husband or his kids every time I watch our bank account dwindle. Lol!

      Thanks for the response 🙂

    2. I’m not missing out when I don’t wish to relate/date a man with minor children (and who’s adult children aren’t adjusted and independent).

      I raised my family and I refuse to help anybody else raise their family. I’m not willing to endure their lack of availability and the constant phone/calling/arguing with birth mothers — no way. Though I do indicate that I might want another child (though at my age and how I feel, it may not be the best choice), it’s still my preference as it pertains to my life.

      I don’t have to make dating considerations for men with children. (And I don’t expect men to date women with children when they don’t want to – their choice.)

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