I Think I’m Ready…

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I’m going to a wedding next week and I’m not necessarily looking forward to it. The bride met her groom online, of all places, so now she’s a huge advocate for online dating.

Dating on the internet has never really been my thing. I’ve heard nothing but bad things about it. I’ve always been one of those people who thought online dating is for people who are desperate, but if ‘regular dating’ hasn’t been working, then I guess it’s time to try something else, no?

It’s not that there’s a shortage of men. Well there it is but no shortage of me getting a date, just a shortage of me finding quality men. So that oftentimes leaves me empty handed when it comes to finding that someone special. I’d like to think that I may meet my future husband while going to church, running my usual errands or even at a house party given by one of my friends, but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case thus far.

So what’s a woman to do? Continue to hope & pray that her knight in shining armor will come knock on her door? We know that’s not gonna happen so I guess one of the only things left is to try something unconventional like online dating. Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that I think I’m ready to enter into the world of online dating!

I’ve heard so many horror stories. Yes, there are some success stories but those are very few & far between. I’ve heard far more negative than positive. But maybe there really isn’t anything to be scared of. I mean what’s the worst that can happen? I meet a couple of crazy guys or worse yet, get bored out of my mind during a first date? Perhaps the men I meet will not be 100% enthralled by me either, so I guess it’s safe to say that disappointment can go both ways with online dating.

Over the next month or so I plan on setting up an account with an online dating service. I’m not sure what to expect, or even how to go about this. But I do know one thing, I’m tired of having no one so hopefully opening up myself to meeting someone online might net me different results.

Have you done online dating before? Any suggestions? Which sites do you think are the best? Please share your experiences below

 

My Car Runs A Whole Lot Better When It’s Clean. Doesn’t Yours?!

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I’ve seemed to notice that every time I get my car washed it seems to run a lot smoother than it did when it was dirty. Why is this? Surely it’s all mental or is there some mysterious or even scientific explanation as to why this is? I’m sure there isn’t one but it got me to thinking about other things that seem to improve for no particular reason:

  • I am more likely to go out when my gas tank is full – Have you ever gotten an invitation to go somewhere but before you accepted you stopped to think about whether or not you had any gas in your car? Well, I have! Hanging out with my girlfriends is sometimes dependent on how full my gas tank is. It’s not that I can’t afford to put more gas in my car & I know at some point I’ll have to replace the gas I’ve already used but it’s just that stopping at the gas station is such a hassle. A necessary hassle, but a hassle nonetheless. So if I wanted to meet my friend for a movie, that’s really like making 2 stops instead of 1. Sometimes, I don’t mind especially if I’m already out & about but there are some days when that extra stop at the gas station just isn’t worth it.
  • I smile more when after getting my teeth cleaned – Not that my teeth looked bad before, but there’s just something about getting that bi-annual cleaning that leaves me grinning from ear to ear. It’s like my teeth are suddenly made of silk, and who doesn’t want to show off silk teeth? I always smile a lot harder leaving the dentist than going in to the dentist.
  • There is always more ‘pep in my step’ when I get my hair done – One of the easiest ways to make a woman look even more beautiful than she already is, is for her to get her hair done. I honestly look like a different person when I leave the beauty salon! Even if I have on a cute outfit or am already in a good mood having a beautiful, healthy, shiny, bouncy hairdo can cause me to stand up a little bit straighter and will put a ‘glide in my stride.’
  • I’m more at ease when my kitchen is fully stocked There is nothing more relaxing than coming home to a clean house & a refrigerator full of food, is there? To know that just about any & everything you could possibly want to eat is at your fingertips (and that it’s already paid for) is an awesome notion! For me it’s the perfect setup – I can cook anything I want, or I can just snack on a little bit of everything. It was one of the best things about being a kid; there was always food in the house & all the afterschool snacks I could ever want for and the best sweets after dinner. Now as an adult, I love keeping the kitchen full of treats!

 

  • I wear more perfume whenever I’m trying a new fragrance – Isn’t it exciting to get new things? Especially when it’s something you like, something that makes you feel good & even more importantly, something that smells good! Well, every time I buy a new bottle of perfume I tend to spray on a little bit more than I normally would. It’s like me saying “Hey world! I smell extra good today and I want you to notice.” Sounds corny, I know, but who wouldn’t want to share a good thing?!

Are there any idiosyncrasies you may have noticed about yourself whenever something good happens to you? I’d like to think I’m not the only weird one out here, so please do share….

The Place of Blessing

Today’s Scripture

“Then the word of the Lord came to Elijah: ‘Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan. You will drink from the brook, and I have directed the ravens to supply you with food there.’” (1 Kings 17:2–4, NIV)

Today’s Word

As a child of the Most High God, your steps are ordered by Him. He has a specific place of blessing prepared for you. When you live a life of obedience to the Word of God, He promises to supply every one of your needs. Just as God directed Elijah to his place of blessing, God is directing you, too. He’s aligning the right opportunities for you and causing the right people to come along your path to help you. He’s constantly working behind the scenes. But in order to get to that place of blessing, you have to do your part to keep your heart open and stay in step with Him.

A major key to keeping your heart in the right place is choosing peace and unity in Christ. The Bible says that when we live in unity, there He has commanded the blessing. When your heart is in the place of blessing, then the rest of your life will be in the place of blessing, too!

A Prayer for Today

“Father, I come to You with a grateful heart. Thank You for leading me and directing my steps. Draw me close to You so that I can live in unity with You all the days of my life in Jesus’ name, Amen.”

bless

— Joel & Victoria Osteen

I “Feel” Like Being Suicidal

To Whom It May Concern:

I’m suicidal. And no, it’s not what you think. I am safe. I am not harming myself. I do not have a plan, and I do not plan on doing anything. But I’m suicidal. And I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t.

People think of things like suicide in such black or white terms. But much like everything else we are so quick to place into categories, being suicidal falls into a gray area for me. Sometimes, I wonder if it does for anybody else. See I can be in a really great mood, right? I could be having the best day of my life. Still, suicidal thoughts will linger. I don’t have to be in a bad mood to be suicidal. I will still have those thoughts if I’m surrounded by the people I love, or if I’m doing something I’m passionate about.

I wake up most mornings thinking I’d be better off dead. But I’m quickly distracted by my husband and son, who are sound asleep next to me. I still feel it, but I try not to give power to it. Throughout the day I am faced with challenges that directly affect my subconscious. Either the suicidal thoughts get louder, or they remain just a feeling.

I should explain better; sometimes being suicidal is different than suicidal thoughts. It’s an actual feeling. The feeling that you have an itch you can’t scratch, that a dark cloud is shrouding you. It’s anxiety and depression, it’s mixed state. You’re drowning, there’s no air, and coming down from that feeling takes so long you think it’s impossible. You have blinders on and you don’t know what’s going to happen next. You just have to push through. And while this feeling is happening, you go through your day, as normal as you can, without feeding the feeling.

Some days are harder than others, and today happens to be one of those days. I know I’m not feeling good, and I’ve taken that into account. But I woke up thinking my family is better off without me. Then I started thinking about finances and my heart sunk a little more. I started thinking about my parents and my depression got worse. And I started thinking about everything my husband does so I can test a career in writing, and God, he can do better than me. It’s not fair to him. If I can’t impress the people surrounding me now, can I face how my son will inevitably feel about me? And I just start crying, because it’s all too much, and I’m just a joke. I feel like I’m drowning, over and over and over again. It would be so much easier to end things, and my family could finally get away from how terrible I am.

The way I feel isn’t a reflection of reality though. I know I have things to live for, I know things will get better. I know my family loves me, and the people who don’t like me don’t matter. In fact, they probably don’t give a shit. I know this feeling will pass. I just wish my mind and my body would work towards getting better.

I’m not bad yet. I haven’t made any attempts in almost two years, and I’m really proud of that. Every attempt I’ve made to take my own life ends the same way; I fade into a sleep, and I do regret my actions. I think I used to romanticize my own death back when I had nothing to lose. Now everything is on the line, and I’m terrified of the day my thoughts will become louder than my voice. But I know realistically it may not always be this way, and I may need to admit myself to the hospital again someday.

I have great plans for my future and for my family. So please don’t worry. I don’t intend to end my life and I’m not self-harming. And if I was, I’d go to the hospital. I wanted to write this so people better understood feeling suicidal. It’s so much more than just one day someone decided to end it. It goes deeper than that. It’s years of torment, even on good days. It mostly doesn’t happen randomly — it’s a build up. I don’t want to die; my subconscious and my illness may disagree, but today my voice is louder, and I will not succumb to the evils of my mind.

People with mental illness live in dark places and gray areas. It’s not something that shuts off and on — it comes in waves, it peaks and it fades. But these feelings are never gone. And I wish more than anything in this world they would disappear. I am a warrior of my own mind, and I will continue defending my inner peace. Every day may be hard; but it makes me stronger every day.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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*Originally published on The Mighty.