Things Men Just Don’t Do Anymore (But They Should!)

8 Things Men Just Don’t Do Anymore (That They Should!)

The Feminist Movement along with several Beyonce songs turned Suzie Homemaker into Ms. Independent. And in today’s generation, there are at least 8 Things women just don’t do anymore (that they should!). But the independent woman didn’t just affect women. Naturally, it changed the way men did things in relationships too! The chivalrous gentleman is rare, if not, non-existent because women claim they can do things on their own. But maybe there are a few things that men used to do, that they should bring back.

Open doors & pull out chairs

Open doors & pull out chairs

Young men used to be raised to open the door for a lady. Especially the young lady you’re courting. Now it seems like some young men aren’t taught that at all. And some of those that were taught that, have stopped doing so because women tell them they don’t have to do all that. There was a time when a woman’s hand did not touch a door handle! But that is not the case today. And maybe it’s not necessary to go to the extreme  today, but the gesture is still nice. Maybe it’s too far for you to get both sets of doors if they are back to back (like in a mall). Maybe you get the first door and she gets the next for you (instead of waiting there wasting time and looking crazy. But just because a woman can open the door for herself and pull out her own chair, doesn’t mean you should stop. She will appreciate that you were brought up with good manners. Watching a man run to hold the door open for an elderly woman is just so sexy!

Pay for date

Pay for meals

Men used to pay for all of the meals. But now it’s a complete toss up if the meal will be his treat, her treat, or dutch. There is nothing wrong with a woman paying for the meal. And there’s nothing wrong with going dutch! There is, however, something wrong with the man that never pays for a meal. Some men take the independent woman thing way too far and use it as an excuse to get free meals. Especially if she usually cooks at home, it would be nice to treat her to a night out on the town every now and then.

Bacon

Bring home the bacon

Men used to be the primary breadwinners. According to the Pew Research Center, women are the primary breadwinners in 40% of households with children under the age of 18, up from 11% in 1960. The family dynamic is changing and there is nothing wrong with that! There’s nothing wrong with men being stay at home fathers. There is nothing wrong with women making more than men. The issue comes in when a man does not want to work and is not willing to contribute to the household at all.

Related Article: Why women should date men in suits.

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Fix things around the house

Men used to be able to fix anything around the house, put anything together, and then change the oil! Maybe you don’t have to be the handyman, but you need to be useful around the house. At the very least, you should be able to put things together with her (for all of those trips to Ikea). Every man should have a screwdriver (a phillips and flathead), a hammer, and a basic ratchet set. If you own a car, you should know at least five things about how to fix it. You don’t have to know everything about car maintenance, but it would be nice if she could have a man’s opinion every now and then since mechanics typically tend to take advantage of women.

Courtship

Court her

Back in the 50s there were so many levels to the dating game. Nowadays, guys just text back and forth and then one day you get “hang out” or “watch a movie” text. And that pretty much sums up the dating process. Maybe you don’t have to go so far as the Duggar’s (waiting to hold hands), but maybe there should be some levels to this stuff. Maybe you should take the time to treat her like a lady.

Related Article: Men: Learn how to plan a date.

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Stand when a woman leaves the table

Stand when a woman leaves the table… walk on the street side when you’re walking with a woman… There are a few chivalrous things that used to just come naturally to men. Now it’s so rare that it’s noticeable when men actually do do them. But those little things, that may seem small, are the little things that demonstrate how much you love and respect and are willing to protect her.

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Surprise her

Men used to do things just out of the blue. Surprise her with flowers, just because. Run her bubble bath. Plan a weekend getaway. Some men still do these things, but it’s very rare. You’d be surprised how much it means to her. Even the woman that says she doesn’t likes surprises loves thoughtful, romantic surprises.

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Ask for her hand in marriage

Asking for her hand in marriage used to be step one in the proposal process. Before you even buy the ring, you needed to make sure it was okay with her father. But nowadays, the marriage process has become less about involving the parents and more about whatever the couple wants (since they’re more than likely paying for it). But perhaps asking for her hand in marriage is one tradition that shouldn’t be tossed aside. Even though you may have talked about marriage together as a couple, it’s still a good idea to talk to her parents before you get down on bended knee, if nothing else, as a sign of respect.

Related articles: How to wait on the ring.

 

*Article was originally published on Examiner.

Men, It’s One Thing To Ask Me Out On A Date, It’s Another Thing To Plan The Date

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I don’t know how many times I’ve been asked out by men who have no idea where to take me on a date. While I appreciate the opportunity to have an equal say in where we go & how we spend our time together, I would appreciate it even more if a man took the time to actually plan our dates on his own.

Just to be clear, I’m only talking about men who have no specific plans for our 1st, 2nd or 3rd date. Once we get comfortable, I am more than happy to share in the responsibility of planning our dates. But in the beginning (especially our very first date), the words “What do you want to do?” should never come out of a man’s lips. Okay, maybe if the guy is new to the city or something like that but otherwise, why not take the time to plan a nice evening or a fun activity for us to do?! As the man, you saw fit to ask me out in the first place surely you don’t think your job ends there, do you?

I hear that some men like to take a woman’s suggestions into consideration before deciding on where to take them. That’s all fine & good but you should still provide her with options. That’s like going to a car dealership and asking the salesman what type of car you should buy. Or walking into the grocery store & asking the clerk what you should buy to eat. Who does that? Before going to a make a purchase your decision should have already been made. No woman wants to date a man who can’t be bothered to do some research ahead of time. All I’m saying is that we women would like you to have a plan before taking us out.

Not sure what to do on a date? If you’ve done all the research you think you can do, here are some ways to get more ideas:

  • Try asking one of your friends (male or female) for some suggestions – surely you’re not the 1st person to EVER go out on a date
  • Check your local community listings for low-cost and sometimes free events around town
  • Go to Ticketmaster – it seems like 99% of concerts, plays, etc. go through this website to sell tickets. If you don’t want to use them, try StubHub.com or BrownPaperBag.com
  • Do something outdoorsy – This is a great way to get the blood pumping and shows that you can think outside of the “1st date box”
  • Find out what your date likes to do or eat & plan an evening around that. During your first few initial phone calls with her you should have figured out what she likes to do, so just go from there….
  • Show your date the kind of things that you like to do & plan an evening around that. It’ll probably be one of the best ways for her to get to know you
  • If all else fails, hit up the internet. You can always find activities, events, shows & more ideas on there

These were just some general ideas to get you going. Still not enough? Not to worry, I will write a post with specific date ideas later on. But if you do happen to use any of the suggestions I mentioned above, let me know? Let me know; I’d love to hear what worked & what didn’t……

Date Plan

When Does Being Single Become My Issue Instead Of Everyone Else’s?

I was talking to a friend earlier today about how I don’t think most people are willing to change until they meet someone worth changing for and not a moment before. He tried to convince me that women need to “fix” themselves first if they wanted to attract the right man. Specifically, I needed to fix the things that aren’t right with me or at the very least the things about me that haven’t worked in the past before starting a new relationship. The problem I have with his argument is that if I haven’t met anyone I want to be in a relationship with, why on earth would I want to change now?

Of course, the argument could be that I might not meet a man I want to date until after I “fix” myself. But unless I was a pathological liar, highly unattractive or just plain crazy, I don’t think that “fixing” myself will help me find a good man any faster. I look at everyone I know who is married & they all have plenty of flaws! They just found people that could deal with them all. It seems to me that having flaws shouldn’t prevent anyone from finding a good mate; after all, how many people in this world are perfect?!

I have no problem bettering myself. I have no problem acknowledging my flaws & working on them. I don’t even have a problem listening to others tell me about my flaws (I may not believe them, but I’ll at least listen). The problem I have is making a bunch of changes that aren’t necessary. Would you throw away a completely delicious meal just because it wasn’t perfect? Or would you allow someone to taste it first, see if they like it & then make improvements only IF they didn’t like it? Well, that’s how I feel about relationships. Why correct anything until you know it needs to be corrected?

I know I’m not perfect – I don’t have a lot of patience, I’m not the best housekeeper & I like my alone-time a little too much to be in a relationship sometimes – but these are the types of things that I don’t  necessarily think should be changed. A lot of people struggle with not having patience. Not saying I shouldn’t work on it but it shouldn’t be a deal breaker. I’m not a good housekeeper, but so what? Isn’t that what maids & housekeepers are for? Surely, a man wouldn’t get rid of a good woman just because she leaves a few clothes & shoes lying around the house. And yes, I like my alone time but that just means I’m not clingy, which I thought most men don’t like anyway. My point is this – why should anyone “fix” themselves when what they’re already doing may work for the right person that just hasn’t come along yet?

My friend argued that as long as I wasn’t working to fix myself then being single will continue to be my problem and no one else’s. I can’t blame being single on not finding a good man because when I meet him I wouldn’t be ready anyway. I can’t blame my ex’s for things not working out because I didn’t do what it took to make myself a better girlfriend. After all, men want what’s already fixed not what’s already broken.

I’m not saying I should never strive to be a better woman, but what should that motivation be? A man shouldn’t be the reason for me to change who I am, so if I am comfortable in my own skin then why change? My future husband may be perfectly fine with me not cleaning so why bother changing that about myself? He may not care how tidy our house is and would much rather pay a housekeeper than to have me stressed out over cleaning up all the time. Because I don’t know what my future husband will & won’t like about me, I prefer to stay as I am.

So, is my friend right? Should I “fix” myself first & then concentrate on finding ‘Mr. Right’?

Or do you agree with me? Should I stay just the way I am and not worry about changing myself until I meet a man worth changing for?

Please share your comments below -

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Seeking Love ‘Single Style’

Whatever do I mean by that?  Well, Seeking Love Single Style means that you are looking for love, but, more importantly you are enjoying your single life immensely.  You don’t NEED someone, you WANT someone.  There’s a big difference.  I was recently asked if I never met the one I was looking for would I still be happy.  After giving it a moment’s thought I said YES! Of course I would still be happy.  Why? Because I am fulfilled in every aspect of my life – physically, mentally and emotionally.  Would I prefer to be with a partner? Yes, of course I would.  When men say “you seem great, why are you still single?” I tell them “I am still single because I want the right man, not just any man”.  That should be the case for every single person.  No settling, just holding out for the right one.  Be true to you.

Single Isn’t a Bad Word

More often than not, people see being single as a death sentence.  You know the deal.  You see all your friends in relationships, getting married, having kids and you feel like the only person in the world who is single.  We’ve all been there.  The older you get the more this is a reality.  I know personally, I find it hard to get together and relate to the lives of my closest friends because they are in a different place in their life, and, forget about trying to arrange something to do, especially if they have children.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for them.  It’s just that where they’re at isn’t where I’m at.

Single really can be fun.  It’s all about perspective.  This whole “finding my second half business” is incredibly damaging to the single psyche.  You don’t need a second half! You are whole on your own.  You need to be proud of who you are and confident about what you have to offer or else your dating life will be a disaster.  Being with you should be a privilege for the other person, not the other way around.  Remember, 1 + 1 = 2, it doesn’t equal 1.  That’s what “seeking love single style” means.

Seeking Love Single Style

So now you know what it is, then how do you do it?  Seeking love single style means doing your own thing and letting love come organically, don’t force it.  Here are some things to keep in mind:

  • Be happy in your own skin without worrying about what others think and how they perceive you.
  • Always put your best foot forward wherever you go and with whoever you meet.
  • Be confident, not cocky, in who you are and always walk with your head held high.
  • Take care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally.
  • Keep your schedule full of activities that you love to do and with people who love to be with.
  • Do things on your own like eating at a restaurant and travelling.

If you are happy alone you will make a great partner for someone else and they will be in your life because you want them there, as a companion, not because you need them there to make you whole.  You are whole without anyone else.  Now go out there and begin seeking love SINGLE style!!

Single

*Originally published on Single Dating Diva

18 Ugly Truths About Modern Dating That You Have To Deal With

1. The person who cares less has all the power. Nobody wants to be the one who’s more interested.

2. Because we want to show how cavalier and blasé we can be to the other person, little psychological games like ‘Intentionally Take Hours Or Days To Text Back’ will happen. They aren’t fun.

3. A person being carefree because they have zero interest in you looks exactly like a person being carefree because they think you’re amazing & are making a conscious effort to play it cool. Good luck deciphering between the two.

4. Making phone calls is a dying art. Chances are, most of your relationship’s communication will happen via text, which is the most detached, impersonal form of interaction. Get familiar with those emoticon options.

5. Set plans are dead. People have options and up-to-the-minute updates on their friends (or other potential romantic interests) whereabouts thanks to texts & social media. If you aren’t the top priority, your invitation to spend time will be given a “Maybe” or “I’ll let you know” and the deciding factor(s) will be if that person has offers more fun/interesting than you on the table.

6. Someone who hurt you isn’t automatically going to have bad karma. At least not in the immediate future. I know it only seems fair, but sometimes people cheat and betray and move on happily while the person they left is in shambles.

7. The only difference between your actions being romantic and creepy is how attractive the other person finds you. That’s it, that’s all.

8. “Let’s chill” & “Wanna hang out?” are vague phrases that likely mean “let’s hookup” — and while you probably hate receiving them, they’re the common way to invite someone to spend time these days, and appear to be here to stay.

9. Some people just want to hookup and if you’re seeking more than sex, they won’t tell you that they’re the wrong person for you. At least, not until after they score your prize. While human decency is ideal, honesty isn’t mandatory.

10. The text message you sent went through. If they didn’t respond, it wasn’t because of malfunctioning phone carrier services.

11. So many people are scared of commitment and being official that they’ll remain in a label-free relationship, which blurs lines and only works until it doesn’t. I’ve said it many times before, I’ll say it again – “we’re just talking” is opening the door for cheating that technically wasn’t cheating because, hey, you weren’t together together.

12. Social media creates new temptations and opportunities to cheat. The private messaging and options for subtle flirtation (e.g. liking of pictures) aren’t an excuse or validation for cheating, but they certainly increase the chances of it happening.

13. Social media can also create the illusion of having options, which leads to people looking at Facebook as an attractive people menu instead of a means of keeping contact with friends & family.

14. You aren’t likely to see much of someone’s genuine, unfiltered self until you’re in an actual relationship with him or her. Generally people are scared that sincerely putting themselves out there will result in finding out that they’re too available, too anxious, too nerdy, too nice, too safe, too boring, not funny enough, not pretty enough, not some other person enough to be embraced.

15. Any person you get romantically involved with you’ll either wind up staying with forever or breaking up with them at some point. These are equally terrifying concepts.

16. When dating, instead of expressing how they feel directly to you, a person is more likely to post a Facebook status or Instagram a Tumblr-esque photo of a sunset with a quote or song lyric of someone else’s words on it, and while it may not mention your name, it’s blatantly directed at you.

17. There are plenty of people who’ll have zero respect for your relationship and if they want the person you’re with, they’ll have no qualms with trying to overstep boundaries to get to ‘em. Girl code and guy code are wishful thinking and human code isn’t embedded in everyone.

18. If you get dumped, it’s probably going to be pretty brutal. People can cut ties over the phone and avoid seeing the tears stream down your face or end things via text and avoid hearing the pain in your cracking voice and sniffling nose. Send a lengthy text and voilà, relationship over. The easy way out is far from the most considerate.

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*Article was originally published on Thought Catalog.

A Man That Is Easy To Please Is Hard To Be With

It’s always refreshing to meet a man who is easy to please. One that doesn’t require much, has low expectations and who is okay with me just the way that I am. On one hand it makes me want to do more so that he’ll be even more impressed with me and on the other hand, it makes me want to do less because what I was already doing was probably more than enough! It’s good not to have high expectations, but what if they’re too low?

If someone doesn’t expect too much from me, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Someone who has low expectations may cause me to get bored with them or worse yet, breed resentment for not expecting more (or better) from me. Think of it like a student who is not being challenged in school – if getting straight A’s comes too easily, then that student will get bored and may potentially find themselves distracted with the wrong things outside of the classroom. In the same sense, if a man is satisfied with me doing the bare minimum, I may get bored and look for a distraction or some excitement outside of our relationship.

Besides, how am I supposed to be a better woman when the man I’m with likes me just the way I am? There’s no incentive to be better, do more for him or work harder in the relationship when what I’m already doing works just fine. It’s good that I don’t need to change but who couldn’t stand to be improved, even if it’s just in some areas? Why should anyone be happy with the way they currently are? Or be happy enough to stay the same? Why wouldn’t you work to improve who you are, the way you look or the way you treat your significant other? We should all want to be better, not stay just the same.

So what do I want? I want a man who is going to push me to be a better woman. A man who sees the potential in me to do more than I could’ve done without him.  Someone who doesn’t want me to stay the way I am & expects more from me. I don’t want him to be pushy or too demanding about it, but I just don’t want him to be okay with mediocrity. If I’m not okay with it from him, why should he be okay with it from me?

At the end of the day, I don’t want a man who is okay with me ‘just the way I am.’ I think I have so much growing to do & if he’s satisfied with the way I am now then things may not work out for us in the long run.

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Why Don’t Men Ask Women If They Have Any STDs (Before It’s Too Late)?

6 Reasons Men Don’t Ask Women About STD’s

In my 30+ years of living no man has ever asked me whether or not I have been tested for a sexually transmitted disease (STD), let alone if I actually have one. Can you believe that? I mean it’s not like I’ve had sex with a bunch of different men or anything, but why is it that no one has cared enough to ask?

I have to admit I feel some kinda way if a man doesn’t ask me for my “papers.”  Who wouldn’t be concerned for their own health? I know I am disease-free, but they don’t know that. Why should a man take my word for it – because I “look clean?” Even when I take the initiative to ask a man about his STD status, he still doesn’t ask about mine. And it’s one thing to ask someone if they’ve been tested, but why not get proof? With the latest technology at our fingertips, it is so easy to show anyone your medical history almost instantly. Even Kaiser has an app that sends test results directly to your phone, so there is NO excuse why you can’t prove that you’re STD free.

So what does it take for a man to actually care about his health?! I took it upon myself to ask a few of my guy friends whether or not they’ve ever asked a woman for her STD results and if no, why not. Here are some of their reasons:

1)      “I don’t really want to know” – Who wants to hear bad news? Probably not the best conversation to have right before having sex, I know.  If someone you really like (or at least you like them well enough to sleep with them) is infected & they do tell you, that would just kill the mood. But like the old saying goes, “What you don’t know, can kill you.”

2)      “I assume she’s clean because she made me wait” – Why else would a woman make you wait for sex unless she was clean? People who are already infected don’t do that, do they? Well, just because someone makes you wait for it doesn’t mean that they’re clean. For all you know they could be waiting for their herpes outbreak to clear up. Besides, it’s never safe to ‘assume’ anything, now is it?

3)      “I’m already protecting myself” – If a guy is already wearing a condom, he may think that he’s protecting himself against any disease a woman may have. This couldn’t be further from the truth. For one, there are always bodily fluids that can be spread from a women’s vagina down to any exposed area on a man’s body. Not to mention, herpes can be transmitted through skin to skin contact. Sorry guys but condoms don’t protect you from everything.

4)      “I don’t really care” – I actually had a guy tell me that he would take whatever disease I had as long as it could be cured with a shot or a pill. He said other than HIV or AIDS, he could handle any other STD. He actually said this to me. Can you believe it? Well, if he didn’t care whether or not I had a disease, he probably felt the same way about other women he’s slept with. No thanks; next!

5)      “Wouldn’t you be offended if I ask you?” – Who cares if I am?! Seriously if a woman is offended by you asking if she’s been tested & to see a copy of those test results you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with her in the first place. I mean, how dare you try to protect your own health?!

6)      “I’m just happy to be getting some” – This seemed to be the most common response from my informal survey. At the end of the day most men are just trying to get some so the thought of STDs either completely kills the mood or sometimes may not even cross their minds. I don’t get it – Is sex that hard to come by that you would put your own health at risk just to get some? Nobody (guy or girl) should be that desperate to have sex that they are irresponsible with their own well-being.

The rates for STDs, particularly among African Americans, are staggering. According to the CDC, in 2012, the overall rate among African Americans with chlamydia was 1,229.4 cases per 100,000 people. Also, 63% of all reported gonorrhea cases & 39.7% of all syphilis cases were African Americans.  Not to mention, we are the most affected by HIV, representing over 40% of all new infections. At some point in our lifetime an estimated 1 in 16 African American men and 1 in 32 African American women will be diagnosed with an HIV infection. That’s pretty scary! With these tragic statistics, why would you not shield yourself from something that can be easily prevented?

Men don’t be afraid to ask for a woman’s test results. I’m sure women will respect you even more for prioritizing your health as well as theirs. After all, she may not even know she has an STD. And ladies, if you’ve never been asked before then don’t be afraid to offer. The best ways to reduce your risk of catching an STD are: 1) Practicing abstinence, 2) Using condoms (female or male) and 3) Vaccinating yourself against the spread of any disease. Good health should be your priority, not good sex.

What do you think? Ladies, don’t you think a man should make sure you’re disease-free before trying to sleep with you? Men, have you ever considered asking for proof that a woman is clean before sleeping with her? And more importantly, will you do it going forward?

*For more information on STDs:

CDC National Prevention Information Network
Phone: 1-800-458-5231

Division of STD Prevention – Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

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*Originally published by Chocolate Vent (me!) on Single Black Male.

My Guide To Dating Ugly Men

Last year I wrote about how hard it is to find attractive looking men (click here to read that post). As tired as I am of dating average-looking men, I realize that as I get older more men are either losing their hair or growing a gut, so that may be all that’s available to date. With that said, I decided to write a little guide on how to date “ugly men”.

1. Be grateful for his ugliness – When you’re dating someone who is less attractive than you are, you should be grateful that no one else will want him. This means you won’t have to worry about other women plotting to get with your boyfriend. He won’t face the same temptations as a man who has more options and may even be more humble because of his lack of good looks.

2. Appreciate him for who he is & not what he looks like – Surely if he’s worth dating he has a lot of other good qualities to offer. Be sure to appreciate his talents whether he has a great work ethic, a sparkling personality or is highly intelligent. There are so many things that can make a man wonderful, other than the way he looks.

3. Realize that they ARE attractive, just not in the face – Recognize that they are attractive in some way – their personality, style of dress, sense of humor, etc. – and appreciate those qualities. Besides the better a man treats you, the more attractive he may seem to you later down the road.

4. Remember that you’re no Halle Berry –Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know I’m not ugly but surely there are people who may think that I’m unattractive. It’s important for me to remember that ugliness is relative. Besides who knows, your “ugly” boyfriend may not think you’re all that good looking either!

5. He’ll love you even more – Most people who know that they are dating someone better looking than them will appreciate the fact that they’ve been given a chance to ‘date up’. They’ll love you even more because they know you’ve brought their stock up (which is particularly helpful for them if you two ever break up).

Do you have any advice on dating ugly people (other than “Don’t do it”)? If so, I’d love to hear it….

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Do We Really Want To Know WHY They Broke Up With Us?

I recently had the pleasure to watch an Independent Film/Documentary out of the UK called “A Complete History of My Sexual Failures” and I found it brilliant!  The director and main character of the film had the idea of going around to all his ex-girlfriends to see why they all broke up with him.  Needless to say the majority of them didn’t want to speak with him, but some did and went on to tell him why he was a selfish ass and not an ideal boyfriend at all … oh and he was awful in bed.  That’ll do it! It’s hilarious, awkward and strange all rolled into one.   You should watch it if you have the chance, it’s on NetFlix.  Anyway, it got me thinking, would I want to know why all those men broke up with me?  I have to say I have done my fair share of dumping too, would I tell them why?

Why Do People Break Up?

People break up generally because they are no longer happy in their current arrangement.  Their needs aren’t being met and things just aren’t moving in a positive direction.  Obviously it’s better when it’s mutual, but typically it isn’t and the other person is left feeling confused and upset, especially if there is no closure.  Sometimes there’s no real reason for breaking up, just the end of feelings or not wanting to be with the person anymore and there’s nothing wrong with that.  But, people always want to know why.  They want answers.  But we all know, the truth hurts, so is it worth it, or, is ignorance bliss?

I polled my Twitter and Facebook followers a couple of times to see what they thought and almost everyone who responded wanted the closure that came with knowing WHY.  However, some really didn’t want to know and others didn’t have faith that they would get the real answer anyway. Like the protagonist of the movie I mentioned, they wanted to know what happened.  What do I personally think?  I think I would want to know why.  I need that closure or else it’s just an open wound festering for longer than it needs to.  If it was mutual then no need to for answers, we both didn’t want to be together, but if someone up and disappeared on me, or hurt me badly I want to know why.  I always extend that courtesy to someone I’ve broken up with.  It’s only fair that they know and more often than not it goes well.

Is There a Benefit to Knowing Why They Broke Up With Us?

I really do think there is a benefit to knowing why they broke with us.  I’ll tell you why.  Getting constructive feedback from others benefits us greatly, not only are we able to correct our actions, we can learn about what works and doesn’t work with us.  Let’s admit it, we don’t always like hearing it, because, you know, we’re perfect and we were the ideal partner … or were we?  Just doing self assessments I see lots of things I did wrong and things I could have done differently in relationships, imagine what THEY were thinking.  I know depending on what stage of my life I was in I could have been unknowingly clingy, distant or even bossy (cue friends saying “Suzie bossy? Never!).  We’re not perfect, we all make mistakes.  The important thing is to LEARN from them, so getting constructive feedback after a breakup is beneficial.  That’s what the protagonist in the movie learned as well.  He didn’t realize how horrible at relationships he was until he heard it from several of his exes.

How To Give Constructive Feedback

Gently!  In order for it to not look like criticism or attack, you need to be kind and gentle about it.  It also has to be information specific and related to the relationship, don’t bring in outside influencers or events.  So here are some points to remember:

  • Keep it on topic.
  • Base it on truthful, factual observations, not suspicions or hearsay.
  • It has to benefit them in some way.
  • Say how the action made you feel (“when you did this I felt that”)
  • Speak about what you liked about them not only what you didn’t.
  • Be direct and get to the point quickly.
  • Don’t send mixed messages that might be interpreted differently.

These points are also beneficial when you’re in a relationship and want to discuss an issue before it becomes a big problem.  These techniques have worked for me both in my personal and professional life and I think can benefit you too.  Try it, what have you got to lose?

So, do you really want to know why they broke up with you? How do you do it? Let’s discuss in the comments!!

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*This article was originally published on Single Dating Diva.

February Is Officially Over

Black History Month is officially over (boo!) & I hope that you were able to learn something new from my daily Black History posts. I know I did. I mean who knew that a Black man was the first one to make it to the North Pole? Or that African American man couldn’t vote until almost 100 years after this country was founded? I certainly didn’t. Even though February is over, I’ll continue to slip in some Black History factoids throughout the month. So stay tuned!

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March is here and I have a lot, and I do mean a lot, of new topics. I will continue to include articles of interest that I find on other websites and try to plug other writers; however, I am going to include a lot of issues as it relates to what’s going on in my life. Issues of dating, marriage, having children (or not), friendship, motivational topics, working out, church, etc. will continue to be the most popular topics on my blog.

Oh yeah, and don‘t worry – the Question of the Day is back! I’ve got plenty of great questions that I’m going to throw out there so please Respond, Like, or Re-blog (or all 3 if you can)!

Also, I know this blog looks rather plain. I actually like it that way – it’s less distracting.  But I’m going to play around with some new looks to make it a little more visually appealing, so please bear with me.

I’m also planning on adding a new feature:

  • CV Chronicles: My girlfriend & I made a pact to go out multiple times a week so that we can network, meet new people (hopefully some good looking men!) and enjoy new hot spots in our city. From time to time I will ‘chronicle’ these outings by sharing where I went, who I met and what, if anything, came out of it. So, when you see the heading “CV Chronicles” you’ll know what to expect!

So here’s what Chocolate Vent will look like:

  • Sunday: I’ll continue with my weekly scriptures, however, there might be some musical clips from time to time. Since the beginning of the year, I have been keeping track of my weekly blessings. Bad things always happen, so sometimes it’s nice to just sit down & appreciate good things as they happen.
  • Question of the Day: They’re back! Don’t be afraid to Respond, Like, or Re-blog
  • Monday – Friday: These posts will be my usual mix of crazy!
  • Saturday: I will post previously published articles that I think you may find interesting (like I did today)
  • Facebook: Articles about any & everything will be posted here. I’m also going to start posting some funny pics that will be sure to make you laugh!
  • Twitter: My usual “randomness

 

Happy reading & feel free to leave comments at any time!

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