Excuse Me, I Just Farted!

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Everybody, I mean everybody gets gas. No matter what you like to call it – pooting, tooting, farting, passing gas, giving an anal salute, ‘dropping a bomb’, SBD (silent but deadly), cutting the cheese, letting one rip, stink bombs, breaking wind, you name it – it happens to even the most dignified and sometimes at the worst possible times. Since we can’t do anything about having gas, we can still do something with how we behave when we get gas.

As a female I was raised to never pas gas in front of others, especially around someone that I’m dating. Luckily, I’m not a very gaseous person but from time to time I may need to let one rip. What do I do? I hold it in of course. There are some people who think that’s unhealthy, however, I think it would be less healthy for me if I let it out & scared my date away. LOL!

The funny thing about gas is you just never know how it will come out – quick & painless or long & smelly. Sometimes no matter what we eat or how many antacids we’ve taken, gas can strike at any time. The question is what do you do about it? Do you blush and look away if someone suspects you? Do you try to blame it on someone else, or do you just hope no one notices? Well, here are a few ways to tactfully handle things if you are ever in that situation:

  1. Try to move the focus off of you – “So, how about those Yankees?!”
  2. Talk louder – Sometimes, you can get away with out-talking your gas. After all, if it doesn’t smell no one needs to be the wiser, right? Plus the louder you get, the more interested people will be in what you’re saying (just make sure you’re saying something interesting)
  3. Blame it on someone’s bad cooking – This makes perfect sense seeing as how gas is derived from what you put into your system. This may be bad publicity for someone else’s cooking, but at least people know it’s not really your fault
  4. Leave the room – people can’t laugh at you if you’re not in the room (at least they can’t do it to your face). Think of it as a ‘parting gift’ for them :)
  5. Do nothing – if there are multiple people in the room, there is just no need to give up your cover. Treat everyone as if they were suspects themselves

Let’s face it – everyone has gas. Since it’s an experience we all must share, why not make it as “pleasant” for other people as possible?

Do you have any good ‘fart stories’? Have you ever let one out, whether on purpose or on accident in front of someone you didn’t mean to? What did you do to cover it up? I’d love to hear! Feel free to share in my comments section below.

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*To learn some interesting facts about passing gas, read here!

There’s Voodoo at Target, Ya’ll!

Seriously, there has GOT to be some sort of voodoo at Target. That is the only explanation for how that place traps the most innocent people into these marathon shopping excursions that result in overdrawn bank accounts and hurting feet.

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First of all, going to Target on a Sunday is the worst. You get there and every single space in the mega parking lot is full. ARE PEOPLE CLUBBING IN THERE??? Is there a drink special??? Am I underdressed in these Uggs and sweatpants? Do I need a neon green wristband to get in? Why is it so full at 11am on the Lord’s Day??? “Club Target” is POPPING!

Then you play “scope that spot” and find one (after losing 3 to people who can turn sharply faster) and you end up at the farthest end of the lot. You walk the three blocks to the door, dipping and dodging cars that are coming both ways to play the same game you just finished, and finally enter Target.

What greets you is chaos. It’s a shopping amusement park. And if you weren’t high on whatever oxygen they must pump through the vents to keep you on a high, you’d turn right around. But you don’t. We don’t. We never do. They must pump the same air they pump into casinos in Target. I just know they do. We go right in, jolly, because Target has got voodoo.

You walk into Target with your shopping list ready. You’ve written down 10 things you need. YOU ONLY need 10 things, you’ll pick them up and you’ll leave. That’s the plan. But it fails. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

You go into Target sometimes just because you need some glue and you walk out with a new cabinet, a dorm refrigerator and 4 new lamps. But you forgot the glue and you have no explanation for it.

You GOTTA pay your bills before going to Target. Otherwise you’re gonna be homeless with a nice body pillow and 3-tier clear cart. It is NOT a game!

I once went to target for a travel size toothpaste. I came out with hair oil, shoes, fruit roll-ups, tape. And forgot the toothpaste, of course! I got home like “CRAP! Now I don’t have toothpaste for my trip!” I had to buy toothpaste when I got to the airport. BUT I HAD TAPE!

But you haven’t seen temptation until you’ve gone to a Super Target. You try not to spend at least $200 under that pressure of a Target that is laid out like the bricks of the pyramids. Those Targets are TWO or THREE floors. You walk in, breathe in deeply and whisper “I’m home.” You get a cart and start dicing between the aisles like the pro you are.

When you’re done with floor 1, you gleefully place your cart on those cart escalators and clap your hands like a drunk seal because it amuses you so much. And then you proceed to do damage on floor 2. Four hours later, you walk out with a bank account that’s $500 poorer and tons of time that you can’t account for in your day. And you get home to find that you just bought a new computer chair, 15 2-pocket folders, a wrench, several picture frames and a bucket hat. Then you put your face in your palms and tell yourself this will never happen again. And you go back the next Sunday for a repeat and cry on your couch again about how you’re such a failure.

This is me every time I walk into Target:

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It’s just such an experience that we seem to enjoy failing at. One day I went into Target rocking a red shirt and tan pants. Someone asked if I could help them pull something from a shelf. And I did. I even told them what aisle to go for the next thing they needed. Listen, when in Rome… be helpful. Or something like that.

And since Target has restaurants in it, when you get hungry you ain’t don’t have to leave. I LOVE getting a personal pizza from the Pizza Hut there. I sit down, reload and start shopping again. This is how one trip becomes a full day event. I walk in at noon and walk out at 6pm wondering what I did with my life.

TARGET HAS VOODOO, Y’ALL! That red sign with a bulls-eye is a conspiracy to hypnotize us and make us do things like spend all our money and time. You can’t tell me otherwise. (-__-)

Ugh. I love that store and I can’t help myself.

So, am I the only one? I’d love to hear your Target stories below.

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*This article was originally published on AwesomeLuvvie (edited for brevity).

Rubin “Hurricane” Carter Dies

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Rubin “Hurricane” Carter, the boxer whose wrongful murder conviction became an international symbol of racial injustice, died Sunday. He was 76.

He had been stricken with prostate cancer in Toronto, the New Jersey native’s adopted home. John Artis, a longtime friend and caregiver, said Carter died in his sleep.

Carter spent 19 years in prison for three murders at a tavern in Paterson, N.J., in 1966. He was convicted alongside Artis in 1967 and again in a new trial in 1976.

Carter was freed in November 1985 when his convictions were set aside after years of appeals and public advocacy. His ordeal and the alleged racial motivations behind it were publicized in Bob Dylan’s 1975 song “Hurricane,” several books and a 1999 film starring Denzel Washington, who received an Academy Award nomination for playing the boxer turned prisoner.

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Carter’s murder convictions abruptly ended the boxing career of a former petty criminal who became an undersized middleweight contender largely on ferocity and punching power.

Although never a world champion, Carter went 27-12-1 with 19 knockouts, memorably stopping two-division champ Emile Griffith in the first round in 1963. He also fought for a middleweight title in December 1964, losing a unanimous decision to Joey Giardello.

In June 1966, three white people were shot by two black men at the Lafayette Bar and Grill in Paterson. Carter and Artis were convicted by an all-white jury largely on the testimony of two thieves who later recanted their stories.

Carter was granted a new trial and briefly freed in 1976, but sent back for nine more years after being convicted in a second trial.

“I wouldn’t give up,” Carter said in an interview on PBS in 2011. “No matter that they sentenced me to three life terms in prison. I wouldn’t give up. Just because a jury of 12 misinformed people … found me guilty did not make me guilty. And because I was not guilty, I refused to act like a guilty person.”

Dylan became aware of Carter’s plight after reading the boxer’s autobiography. He met Carter and co-wrote “Hurricane,” which he performed on his Rolling Thunder Revue tour in 1975.

Muhammad Ali also spoke out on Carter’s behalf, while advertising art director George Lois and other celebrities also worked toward Carter’s release.

With a network of friends and volunteers also advocating for him, Carter eventually won his release from U.S. District Judge H. Lee Sarokin, who wrote that Carter’s prosecution had been “predicated upon an appeal to racism rather than reason, and concealment rather than disclosure.”

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Born on May 6, 1937, into a family of seven children, Carter struggled with a hereditary speech impediment and was sent to a juvenile reform center at 12 after an assault. He escaped and joined the Army in 1954, experiencing racial segregation and learning to box while in West Germany.

Carter then committed a series of muggings after returning home, spending four years in various state prisons. He began his pro boxing career in 1961 after his release, winning 20 of his first 24 fights mostly by stoppage.

Carter was fairly short for a middleweight at 5-foot-8, but his aggression and high punch volume made him effective.

His shaved head and menacing glower gave him an imposing ring presence, but also contributed to a menacing aura outside the ring. He was also quoted as joking about killing police officers in a 1964 story in the Saturday Evening Post which was later cited by Carter as a cause of his troubles with police.

Carter boxed regularly on television at Madison Square Garden and overseas in London, Paris and Johannesburg. Although his career appeared to be on a downswing before he was implicated in the murders, Carter was hoping for a second middleweight title shot.

Carter and Artis were questioned after being spotted in the area of the murders in Carter’s white car, which vaguely matched witnesses’ descriptions. Both cited alibis and were released, but were arrested months later. A case relying largely on the testimony of thieves Alfred Bello and Arthur Bradley resulted in a conviction in June 1967.

Carter defied his prison guards from the first day of his incarceration, spending time in solitary confinement because of it.

“When I walked into prison, I refused to wear their stripes,” Carter said. “I refused to eat their food. I refused to work their jobs, and I would have refused to breathe the prison’s air if I could have done so.”

Carter eventually wrote and spoke eloquently about his plight, publishing his autobiography, “The Sixteenth Round,” in 1974. Benefit concerts were held for his legal defense.

After his release, Carter moved to Toronto, where he served as the executive director of the Association in Defence of the Wrongly Convicted from 1993 to 2005. He received two honorary doctorates for his work.

Director Norman Jewison made Carter’s story into a well-reviewed biographical film, with Washington working closely alongside Carter to capture the boxer’s transformation and redemption. Washington won a Golden Globe for the role.

“This man right here is love,” Washington said while onstage with Carter at the Golden Globes ceremony in early 2000. “He’s all love. He lost about 7,300 days of his life, and he’s love. He’s all love.”

But the makers of “The Hurricane” were widely criticized for factual inaccuracies and glossing over other parts of Carter’s story, including his criminal past and a reputation for a violent temper. Giardello sued the film’s producers for its depiction of a racist fix in his victory over Carter, who acknowledged Giardello deserved the win.

Carter’s weight and activity dwindled during his final months, but he still advocated for prisoners he believed to be wrongfully convicted.

Carter wrote an opinion essay for the New York Daily News in February, arguing vehemently for the release of David McCallum, convicted of a kidnapping and murder in 1985. Carter also briefly mentioned his health, saying he was “quite literally on my deathbed.”

“Now I’m looking death straight in the eye,” Carter wrote. “He’s got me on the ropes, but I won’t back down.”

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 *This article was originally published on USA Today.

From The End To The Beginning – Jesus Is Risen!

Today is the most important day in Christianity! Easter represents the day that Jesus rose from the grave with ALL power in His hands. According to Matthew 28, after being crucified and dead for 3 days Jesus Christ rose from the dead. He gave His life so that we may have life more abundantly not just here on Earth but also after we die.

From the beginning of his life to the end, Jesus Christ was the prime example of ‘beating the odds’. The odds were against him from the day He was born – He didn’t even have a bed; instead he was born in a barn and placed in a manager. He had enemies that had never even met him before and knew that His destiny was to die. How many people know that their destiny is to lay down their life for everyone else?

If someone were to place a bet on your life, what would the odds be? Would you be a success or a failure? It’s easy to think you have your act together now and that the odds are in your favor, but things have a way of falling apart. Look at King Nebuchadnezzar – he thought he was “all that” and even had other people worshipping a fake god but then he found out that there was a God who was much greater than him and changed his tune altogether.

We know that life can go wrong. As a matter of fact, we’re prone towards doing wrong but that doesn’t mean you should give up or stop trying to do what’s right. When we are out of God’s will the odds are never in our favor. Even when we get what we want, it may not turn out to be what we thought we wanted. So what do you do when you’re faced with insurmountable odds? Ask God to help you bear that cross. Even Jesus was humble enough to let Simon help Him carry the cross that He was forced to carry that ended up saving us from eternal damnation.

At the end of it all, Jesus defeated death. No other leader, god, president, prime minister or deity can say that. If He can defeat death, He can do anything for you. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m sure you have been too but NEVER count a believer out. Just like everyone thought Jesus was dead for good but he rose up to give us eternal life. God can turn things around for you. So go ahead Satan, hit me with your best shot. I know Jesus and if He can rise from the dead, than surely He can beat you!

Remember, Jesus Christ beat the odds for you. Are you beating the odds or getting beaten by the odds?

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